shylight200 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Is this the right forum to post this? Basically, pretty much every week for the past year my mom has been telling me that I should start thinking about getting married and having kids, that I shouldn't wait too long to start looking for a bf, that once I get out of college, all the men would be married with families, etc. I'm 22, a senior in college, and while I am dating, there hasn't been anyone serious for a while now. Which is perfectly fine with me, I figure, as long as I keep looking, eventually Mr. Right will show up. But her comments are making me feel really panicky. I know alot of people, maybe half of my friends, are engaged already to guys they met in college. They're not planning on getting married as soon as they graduate or anything, but at least they know they want to spend their life with each other. I don't have that, not even close. It definitely is alot easier dating boys in college since there are so many of them all in one place. Where am I going to meet guys in the real world? I don't know, maybe my mom is right about that. But still, I don't appreciate the pressure at all. All that its doing is making me nervous and panicking. Were any of your parents like that?
Julesx0822 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 have you had a conversation with your mom about how pressured you're feeling? there are so many factors about marriage these days. the divorce rate is slowing, but is still high and on the rise, and more people are practicing cohabitation. but getting married isn't really the answer to your life's happiness. you'll meet someone great doing something you love: a service project for a cause you love, going out with friends, even through friends, at work, etc. and if push comes to shove, there are always sites like match.com which you might not be ready or open to checking out now, but it's there... as for your mom, you should tell her how it's pressuring you. you are 22!! that's a young age to get married (especially these days when people are tending to wait longer to get married) and you have plenty of time to play catch up. just keep living your life, do things that make you happy and talk to your mom... that's just my advice.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 They just want you to be happy. It can be annoying, but don't take it all that seriously.
Author shylight200 Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Talking to her about this doesn't do any good cause she'll agree with me, then just bring it up again another day. It all goes in one ear and out the other... I realize she just wants me to be happy and see me settled down and all, but still, it's really annoying having to listen to it day in and day out.
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Were any of your parents like that? Definitely not. But, then again, my mom was 33 and my dad 39 when they got married. Not exactly fresh out of high school My advice, after college, is to move at least one day's plane flight away from parents
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 A few of my close friends got married in their early 20's.... And ALL of them are divorced. I got married at 30 and am now divorced- I question even now in my later 30's if it's something I am ready for. You're only 22!!! I am perplexed why your mother feels the need to pressure you when you are so young. That's crazy! I'd ignore the pressure as much as you can. Be firm with her that it's not a topic for discussion- and be consistent with your firmness.
CommitmentPhobe Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I don't understand how this can be an issue for someone of your age. I started breaking away from my parents when I was about 13, by the time I was 18 they had no say in my choices. This doesn't mean I don't listen to their opinion but if I don't agree I tell them and that's that. Have you realised this is your life and not theirs? Or do they constantly "invest" in you and expect their return on investment is to have some say over it? If it's the latter then I suggest you break those apron strings and stand on your own two feet. Maybe after that they'll realise that their investment is a two way deal.
quankanne Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Were any of your parents like that? yes and no – my dad wanted me either hitched or in the service when i graduated from high school so that I'd have "someone to take care of" me, but my mother understood my dream to go to college and stood behind me the whole way. Other than that one period, my dad never really bugged me about getting married, I guess because he realized that I was interested in my career. And neither of them bugged me about dating, I'm thinking because they understood I was not like my sisters, who married right out of the chute when they graduated high school. a suggestion? When Mom starts going on about you needing to be settled down, gently but firmly tell her it's your hope to one day be married and mommied, but you want to meet the right person who will have that same desire so that you can build a life together for years on end. That you don't want to just jump into a marriage to make everyone happy, then end up divorced because YOU aren't happy. I'm hoping that she will understand that you realize what kind of commitment she's asking you to get into, and that she will be pleased to know that you are looking at it with a mature approach. however, if all else fails, you can do what I've done with nosy relatives who bug me about why I never had kids: "When God's ready for me to have them, he'll send them." Because how can you argue with that kind of logic, esp. if you profess to subscribe to God's will?
D-Jam Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 My parents never put any pressure on me...only because they see how many couples fail out there and have even seen the bad examples of women who used men and then raped them in divorce court. I'm not saying all women are like that, but you can see why they would pressure me to take my time. Upon observation of women I've known and seen grow from teens to 30s, I will say not to wait too long. Seen many women believe they have plenty of time, assuming a plethora of marriage-minded men would be there for them at their late 20s. Most of these women hit their late 20s and had a big problem getting any man to commit. Some of these men were the disgruntled "nice guys" who aren't very nice anymore...but more now feel cheated in the game of love and thus won't trust women, or even decided to become jerks to get laid. The rest were men who didn't grow up thinking of looking for a wife and family...so they're now in contemplation if they want to marry now or wait or stay single and bang women up until the women seen them as "old". So where are the marriage-minded decent men? They all married their High School sweethearts or college girlfriends. They didn't wait, because they had no interest in "playing the field". This is why I tell women not to wait too long. Not to think there's a great crop of men to marry when they hit 26, 27, or 28. Pretty much all of those females I know are in their 30s now, frustrated, and feeling like marriage and family are becoming a lost dream. My advice is to keep your eyes open on the men you know. It's ok to fall in love, get serious, and no one said you had to marry quickly. This goes back to how I think it's silly that people think 6-9 months of dating is enough before getting engaged. Date the guy for a few years...be a girlfriend...enjoy it all...then get engaged and married.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Heavens no. My mom always told me growing up that people don't really figure out who they are until about 27 years old, so it's kinda silly to get married before that. I mean, you change a great deal in your 20's (and I really agree with this as I have seen in myself). So yes, it is possible for people to grow TOGETHER during that self-discovery time, but I think it's more likely that they'd grow apart. Have fun, live your life, see the world - do all the things that will be harder to do once you get married. There should be no rush for a decision like this.
fral945 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Right now you are young. I can’t really say you’re in a rush. Sound like your mom wants grandchildren. But realize that after age 30 if you want children childbirth becomes riskier and more complicated. Odds of complications, birth defects, etc. increase significantly. Not that women over 30 can’t have healthy kids, just realize it is significantly riskier. So I would recommend if you want children that you should find someone while you are in your 20s. Or if you want to wait until older or beyond childbearing years adoption is always an option. I'm sure the 30 something single women will tear me a new one, citing examples of their 30 something friends who have perfectly healthy children. But do your own research and you'll find out what I'm telling you is true. The same applies to men, however, the complications tend to start in their 40s, so they have a bit longer. Other than that, enjoy your 20s. They won't last long.
Author shylight200 Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 She definitely wants grandkids. She uses that very often in her arguments, that as I get older, changes are my kids won't be as healthy, etc. I understand that and all, but I don't want to have kids with the wrong guy, that would suck. She agrees with me, that I shouldn't settle...however...if I don't find the right one by a certain age...I should lower my standards. And by a certain age, she means 25. BTW, my mom got married when she was 27, had me when she was 29. She thinks 27 is wayyyy too old for me....
fral945 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I can understand the mixed feelings. It's difficult because odds are you'll have a better idea of where your life is going and make a better choice in a partner the older you get. Most people in their 20s don't get it right the first time when it comes to relationships. You're an adult, and assuming you pay your own bills, it's up to you to decide how to live your life, not your mother. You are old enough to make your own decisions, whether they are right or wrong.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Hehe... yeah it can be frustrating. As I posted before they mean well, but it does get annoying when they try to fix you up on dates. Ugh... IrishMom: "I just ran into Mrs. Havisham at the supermarket! Ya know... her daughter is a looker! And, ya know... she is single and not doing anything this Saturday. Why don't you call her! I made sure to get her number xxx-xxx-xxxx." Irish: "Did you just say Mrs. Havisham's daughter is a hooker?!?" IrishMom: ". . . . grow up." Irish: "Love you too, Mom."
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I know a heck of a lot of couples who were "childhood sweethearts" or "college sweethearts" and are no longer together. People grow and change a lot in their 20's. The men I dated when I was your age would have been absolutely wrong for me, but i could not see that then. Everyone talks about the "right" age to get married, or the "right" age to have children. You can't plan your life that way, because you don't know what is ahead of you. Maybe you will meet the man of your dreams when you are 23, get married at 25, and have your first kid at 27. That's great if it's a great partnership. But what if you don't meet that special guy? You end up marrying someone else because it is the "right" time to do it. Then you've got a couple of kids, and the marriage is dead, and life doesn't look so great anymore. I'm also really tired of guys saying that so many of us women are just wanting to party, or date around, and that we are turning down all these great guys only to find ourselves old, alone, and unwanted. I don't now many people like that. A lot of us would have been perfectly happy to get married at a younger age if the right guy came along. It's not like Mr. Perfect was on our front door step and we turned him away because we didn't want to settle down yet.
Miranda1 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Is this the right forum to post this? Basically, pretty much every week for the past year my mom has been telling me that I should start thinking about getting married and having kids, that I shouldn't wait too long to start looking for a bf, that once I get out of college, all the men would be married with families, etc. I'm 22, a senior in college, and while I am dating, there hasn't been anyone serious for a while now. Which is perfectly fine with me, I figure, as long as I keep looking, eventually Mr. Right will show up. But her comments are making me feel really panicky. I know alot of people, maybe half of my friends, are engaged already to guys they met in college. They're not planning on getting married as soon as they graduate or anything, but at least they know they want to spend their life with each other. I don't have that, not even close. It definitely is alot easier dating boys in college since there are so many of them all in one place. Where am I going to meet guys in the real world? I don't know, maybe my mom is right about that. But still, I don't appreciate the pressure at all. All that its doing is making me nervous and panicking. Were any of your parents like that? Both of my parents had been pressuring me to get married and have kids until I made it clear to them that it just would not happen for me, when I was about 22, actually! Haha...Maybe 22 is the magic number, or something. It was actually worse for me, because I'm an only child, so of course, my dad wanted grandkids, and all the rest of it. But I just do not get along with guys at all, never have, so I've always known it wouldn't happen for me. I'm 34 now, and they've finally accepted I won't be getting married and having kids, and they're fine about it! Mind you, I distinctly remember having a shouting match with my mother, about how all my role models never got married! Haha, I remember listing all these women, everyone from Jane Austen to Debbie Harry to Oprah! Hehe...
Jims555 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 shylight, i can't offer much in the way of fixing the situation, but i do know many of my female friends get the same grief from their families. as a male, my family told me the opposite. "Don't get anyone pregnant!" there seems to be a special unwritten clause that daughters are suppose to pump out grandkids once they're in college. only thing i can say from what they have told me is that they just put up with it as well. maybe if you keep confronting your family about it, or totally ignore them each time they start to talk about it again, it will sink in that you're not ready.
rod_in_gtown Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 It sounds like she's trying to correct the frustrations on her own life out on you (e.g. she feels she married too late at 27 and had kids at 29), this may have been a regret for her but SHE has to deal with it, not make YOU take a different path. I understand parents wanting grandchildren but if she needs company that bad, get her a puppy or a cat, that's no reason to push you to get married and start breeding for the sake of breeding. Marriage is hard enough without all the added pressure of in-laws butting in, I say you should move away and establish yourself as an individual when you graduate, that way you can start a healthy relationship with a man and THEN, if it feels right, you can think about marriage. Just remember, just because you get married doesn't mean the pressure will be off. if anything she'll start pressuring you even more to have kids after you marry and THAT will put a strain in a relationship specially if you haven't had the time to enjoy yourselves as a couple. You need to build a foundation because when the kids come, you won't have time for each other. Everything you can and will do will be in function of providing for them and raising them. My advice, Take it easy, enjoy yourself, go join the workforce if you haven't already, get to know your co-workers, do some sports or hobbies, life after studying is a lot of fun, and when you're working in your field, you'll meet more like-minded individuals that will possibly make better partners than you could find in school. Good luck, and don't give in to peer (or parent) pressure. BTW, where are you? Utah? it seems to me that a lot of my friends from there have experienced similar circumstances.
Ross PK Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 My mum seems to be oblivious to the fact that I'm Incel.
Author shylight200 Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 I'm the only child so I get all their attention and I'm their only hope of getting grandkids. Her concern is that when I'm working, all the men I'll meet will be married. She's worried that when I'm out of college, all the good ones will be taken by someone already and I'll be all alone. I'm in PA
Miranda1 Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I'm the only child so I get all their attention and I'm their only hope of getting grandkids. Her concern is that when I'm working, all the men I'll meet will be married. She's worried that when I'm out of college, all the good ones will be taken by someone already and I'll be all alone. I'm in PA Yeah, I'm an only child, too...There's definitely more pressure on us. In a way, she's right, that 'all the good ones are taken,' but that's at any age, not just mid-20s. There definitely seems to be more women than men in most populations. But I don't really mind that at all, since I get along better with women, and I don't want to get married and have kids!
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