sedgwick Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Suddenly in the past week I've gotten two myspace friend requests from friends of Joe's. I was getting close to both of these women and really loved hanging out with them, but when he dumped me, I completely cut off contact with all his friends. I deleted anyone who had anything to do with him off my friends lists on myspace, facebook, etc. Well, one of them has now realized (a year and a half later!) that she is no longer on my friends list, and just sent me a message with her phone number telling me she missed me. I don't know what to do. I miss her too but if I even saw one of Joe's friends I'd burst into tears. I live in fear of running into them on the street. Do I tell her that? Do I ignore her? I don't know what to do.
northstar1 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Suddenly in the past week I've gotten two myspace friend requests from friends of Joe's. I was getting close to both of these women and really loved hanging out with them, but when he dumped me, I completely cut off contact with all his friends. I deleted anyone who had anything to do with him off my friends lists on myspace, facebook, etc. Well, one of them has now realized (a year and a half later!) that she is no longer on my friends list, and just sent me a message with her phone number telling me she missed me. I don't know what to do. I miss her too but if I even saw one of Joe's friends I'd burst into tears. I live in fear of running into them on the street. Do I tell her that? Do I ignore her? I don't know what to do. If it's going to stress her out, just ignore it. She might have missed you, but it's been a year and a half, maybe best to leave it in the past.
Just_dealin_with_it Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I agree with northstar. If it's still that tough for you, I'd leave it alone. If you really want a friendship with this person in the future, and you don't want to offend them by not responding; you could try to explain that it's still tough to see people associated with Joe but that you'd like to hang with her sometime in the future. The only risk here is that they may tell your ex about your feelings. So you have to decide how you feel about that.
Author sedgwick Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 That's the thing, I don't want him to know anything about me, and I don't want to know anything about him. I'd rather she tell him she tried to get in touch with me and I had fallen off the face of the earth. If he chooses not to know me, he chooses not to know me all the way.
PinkToes Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Maybe you could send her a message and tell her it was great to hear from her, that you're doing well but are incredibly busy at the moment, and that you'll give her a call when you get a chance. She doesn't need to know that might not happen for months (or years). You get be gracious and sound happily involved with life, without having to deal with her directly.
LiveandLearn Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 For your own sake, I wouldn't bother responding. She'll understand. I know they've become your friends, but they were his friends first. Don't be buddy-buddy with them yet since you're obviously not ready. It'll just remind you of him and the pain you went through/are going through.
darnay Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Sedgwick, I am in exactly the same situation as you. I basically cut all contact with my ex and his friends. I didn't want them talking to him about me, passing him snippets of information (which I knew they would) and I also knew they wouldn't be able to resist telling me about him. It was hard and bloody painful to walk away from my ex and the life we had built together, but it would've been harder to stay and die a slow lingering death of drip-fed information.. I haven't spoken to any of his friends since, and nor do I intend to. They have emailed me and text me a few times but I need some considerable space to sort myself out and move on before I can even think about resuming any kind of relationship with them.
Ingenue Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Sedgewick, if you're not ready to be friends with this woman, than do not undertake a friendship out of a sense of obligation. This doesn't preclude the possibility of a friendship in the future, but for the time being, you are, for whatever reasons, unwilling or unable to have a friendship. If being friends with this woman will stress you out because she might reveal something about the ex or she might reveal something about you to the ex, don't go that route. You could drop her a quick line to say that you're really busy but look forward to connecting with her in the future at some point. This leaves the door open for friendship when you are ready on your terms and also does not reveal anything about you or your life to the ex or his friend.
frd150 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I would just ignore it. Same thing happened to me about 6 months and I felt it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. Honestly I would be more offended if someone told me "hey thanks for the message but Im to busy to talk to you" than just ignoring it. I guess if you cross paths in the future you could explain your position. If she cares for you then she'll understand.
sunshinegirl Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Sweets, I'm going to suggest something different, which is to face your fear and re-friend these women. I went through agonizing moments of spending time with my ex's good friends, and felt like crying more than once when I was with them, because they still had connections to him... I was dying for information about him but wouldn't let myself ask. Anyway, long story short, I worked through the discomfort and anxiety because ultimately I wanted these people in my life and I wasn't going to let my ex exert that much control over me. In time, the associations with the ex have faded and I have RECLAIMED these people. [same process also goes for reclaiming places you went together, activities you did together, etc. that you don't want to throw away. The first few exposures hurt, a lot, but you get through it and realize it hasn't killed you. and that's how you rebuild your life.]
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