Has anyone broken up with their bf/gf because it was the easiest stressor to remove f

[justletgo07]

Has anyone broken up with someone during a time of high stress, where you had many sources of stress, but your SO seemed to be the biggest source (arguing, needy, etc.), or was just the easiest source of stress to eliminate? I'm not talking cheating or abusive, but just lots of nagging or irritating things...

 

Part of my ex breaking up with me was due to the fact that she and I both were going through a high stress period in our lives, and naturally, were both looking to each other for support. I became needy, or at least, never seemed to feel loved or appreciated, which ended up putting tremendous pressure on her. It got to the point where she would react very angrily when I would bring up how I was feeling.

 

While we certainly had other issues, the break up actually occurred after a fight caused by me being needy and overly-sensitive to her. She said "she couldn't take it anymore". I guess, without meaning to, I pressured the love right out of her...

 

Anyone had a situation like this? How did it turn out? If you were the dumper, did you ever look back once the dust had settled and your life was less stressful, or do you always tend to associate your ex with the stress of that time of your life? I suppose that is what I'm most afraid of. Kinda wish I had been able to pull it together so I could have been more supportive...

 

I know many people will say that it means we are just incompatible, but is it ever possible that it was just bad timing, rather than incompatibility? I just think it is the most challenging situation when both you and your partner are dealing with so much stress outside of the relationship...it's hard to keep it out...or to always be strong for the other. I don't know. Maybe we are just incompatible and I don't want to admit it...

[You'reasian]

.

 

I know many people will say that it means we are just incompatible, but is it ever possible that it was just bad timing, rather than incompatibility? I just think it is the most challenging situation when both you and your partner are dealing with so much stress outside of the relationship...it's hard to keep it out...or to always be strong for the other. I don't know. Maybe we are just incompatible and I don't want to admit it...

 

Yeah, I broke up with my ex because we were ultimately incompatible. We were great at times, but she'd probably be happier with someone whose a little more passive, sensitive - probably a more liberal, touchy-feely type.

 

I think she was constantly trying to peg my personality but was constantly confused.

 

Anywho, I don't think negatively of her at all.

[carhill]

Anyone had a situation like this? How did it turn out?

 

Sure. I bought her a house

 

Translated: You're incompatible

[Eyeofthoth]

I don't think this necessarily spells incompatibility, but I do think that when there is a lot of stress in even one person's life, the relationship gets much harder to hold together. It happened with me. I was in the middle of a long drawn-out but amicable divorce and very happy in a new relationship. When my divorce blew up and I started to have a breakdown about all the major issues this caused for me, my beautiful new relationship walked right out the door.

 

This was not the only factor, but it was a big one. I think that people need to realize how important it is to have other people to talk to and lean on and other ways of dealing with stress besides just unloading it on their SO. Relationships are fragile. They need constant nurturing and feeding and cannot withstand too much stress and drama.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[kizik]

This is what it comes down to:

 

if she really loves you, she will be kind to you and treat you right.

 

If she really cares about you, high-stress times will not cause her to lash out on you.

 

Yes - you're incompatible. My guess is that you're pretty young too. One has to go through breakups and sh*t in order to become stronger and know what they want.

 

My perception is that your girl doesn't treat you very well, but that you're kind of a whiner too, which turns her off.

 

You have to break up, be alone for a while, and regain your masculinity.

[carhill]

Stress and life-altering events either bring a couple closer together or tear them apart. The pivotal factor is their innate compatibility, IMO. A couple has to function as a team, as one, to face such challenges.

 

I could accept and validate my wife's stressors and complaints and problems until the day we die. My love began to die when I realized she could never be that person for me. I still have the capacity, but am more selective now. YMMV, of course

[justletgo07]

Yikes. Appears the general concensus = incompatible. Bummer.

[kizik]

Whatever man, only you know the truth. Don't listen to us too much. If you can salvage the relationship, I say, do it, with your best efforts. But don't let her treat you like sh*t anymore, you deserve better.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

Stress and life-altering events either bring a couple closer together or tear them apart. The pivotal factor is their innate compatibility, IMO. A couple has to function as a team, as one, to face such challenges.

Yes, but there is always that chance that the relationship is so new that those seams are not formed yet, and tearing apart is very easy to do.

No?

[carhill]

Absolutely. OP, how long have you been a couple?

[justletgo07]

I agree, and I know that in reality, there is no right answer, and I could poll the entire world and the outcome could still come out completely different. You certainly hit the nail on the head with the whiner mention, as well as the mention regarding maculinity...even if it doesn't feel so great to admit. I suppose I'm letting my feelings get the best of me this evening.

 

And yes, I do deserve to be treated better, and if nothing else, this relationship has taught me the valuable lesson of setting boundaries and not putting up with sh*t from anyone. If there ever is the possibility for reconciliation, I will definitely need some hard evidence that she is willing to give it another go as an equal partner in this, and that she's willing to be patient and work together during difficult times.

[justletgo07]

We were together almost 3 years, but as someone guessed, we are pretty young. (I'm 23 and she's 22) I've been out of college for over a year now, and she's still got over a year left, so the being in different parts of our lives thing certainly has not helped matters. It really made it hard for us to relate sometimes.

[carhill]

OP, I "needed" my wife by my side when I was taking care of my mentally ill mother and, instead of that, I got disconnection and distance. The result is I can sit here typing this with her sitting 3 feet away and feel next to nothing for her. That's what incompatibility and the realization of it will do to you. In our case, at the time the event happened, we had been together for three years and married two years, so it wasn't exactly new. Your situation is likely different, but I wanted to give an example of what I meant. We were both in our 40's so nowhere near being kids, having had a lot of life experience....

[Posco_Proudfoot]

OP, I "needed" my wife by my side when I was taking care of my mentally ill mother and, instead of that, I got disconnection and distance. The result is I can sit here typing this with her sitting 3 feet away and feel next to nothing for her. That's what incompatibility and the realization of it will do to you.

Not sure of the purpose of the relationship.

Unless it is for other reason.

[justletgo07]

I can certainly see similarities. I guess it is difficult for me to determine whether she was unable to be there for me due to our incompatibility, or because the fact that she becomes easily overwhelmed and often does not juggle multiple stressors or expectations very well. She is an incredible perfectionist, and is always concerned with letting people down and disappointing them.

 

Besides me, she was constantly worried about disappointing her parents, classmates, professors, the doctors she worked for (she's pre-med, so there's a lot of stress and expectations inherent to that career path). I imagine my repeatedly attempts to express to her "I don't feel loved or appreciated" and other forms of reassurance searching just communicated to her "You're failing. You're not meeting my expectations. Nothing you do makes me happy." Honestly, given her low tolerance for stress, perfectionism, and desire for approval, I'm sure I pushed her to her breaking point.

 

I know it takes two to tango, and she brought problems to the relationship as well, but I certainly recognize my role in its demise...

[carhill]

Not sure of the purpose of the relationship.

Unless it is for other reason.

Main purpose is, like parents with children, to get legal ducks in row to protect my ability to pay for my mother's very expensive care. Secondarily, to provide ample opportunity for distance from traumatic event, with MC, to determine if marriage is recoverable. I (and my wife) don't throw away important commitments like marriage without proper attention to salvaging them. One step at a time

[kizik]

Your GF sounds a lot like my ex: narcissistic, perfectionist, worried about pleasing people because she is so afraid to be seen as less than perfect. Your role in this R is trivial; you need to understand that you have done nothing wrong, my friend, you have not had the hand in the demise of the R that you think you have. You simply got mixed up with a woman who is CRAZY, and I am sorry for you.

 

I have been there, we have all been there, get out, get far away, regain yourself and don't let her f*ck with you anymore.

 

Someday, someday you will understand what I am saying.