wackygirl72 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Hi all, This is my first time posting here. I need some advice. I'm a 36 yr old female, living in NYC. I started dating a guy that I met on match.com about 3 months ago. He is a 38 yr old divorcee. We've been seeing each other 3/4 times a week and things are going great. We had one talk a month back about the possibility of being exclusive (of course, I brought it up). At that time he admitted that he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship and though he's not sleeping with anyone else, still wants to "meet people". I figured that I would just give him some time and that he would eventually come around. I don't want to pressure him because I think that will just scare him off. Here's s the problem - recently over the past 2 weeks or so, he's been logging into match.com every day. I know this because of the evil "active within" status that appears on everyone's profile. You can see this in a public view, so I don' t need to log in myself to see that he's logged in. I think that things are great between us and only getting better - am I naive? Why is he still logging onto match? My cynical side thinks he's just biding his time with me until something better comes along. Can I/Should I confront him? I don't want to seem like a crazy stalking psycho. HELP. I am afraid I'm going to get my heart broken by this man.
Gremio Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 My cynical side thinks he's just biding his time with me until something better comes along. Ding ding ding. That isn't cynical, it's common sense. I'm a male, mid 20s. If I am interested in a woman, she has my undivided attention.
berrieh Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 He's just not that into you. If you want him to get more into you, you're going to have to become less available. Even that might not work. If it does, you're in for a long game of cat-and-mouse at best (you up for that?) or an eventual him leaving at worst. You're not being cynical to think he's just biding his time with you. There's no "ready or not" to be exclusive -- if you like someone and they ask, you say 'yes' because you're more worried about messing things up with them than you are about meeting new people. He's more interested in meeting new people than making you happy. And he's actively persuing it. Your days are numbered.
BenefitOfTheDoubt Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Tread carefully with this one. On one hand, I dated a guy for a year who continued to check his profile the entire time. Yet there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that he was 100% committed to our relationship. I don't know, just got the feeling it boosted his ego or something to see if girls had checked him out. I do know for certain that he had cancelled his membership, so perhaps that's part of the reason I was so cavalier about his checking his profile? Whatever though. I never had any concerns about his commitment, and in the end, it was actually me who broke up with him because he wanted more from the relationship than I did. That said, the fact that your guy told you straight up that he wasn't ready for commitment and still wanted to meet people is a huge, waving red flag if it's an exclusive relationship you're looking for. Especially after three months and especially if you're having sex. Also, has he been checking his profile all along, or did this just start up two weeks ago? For some reason it strikes me as a worse sign if he wasn't checking before and is now. Bottom line though: protect yourself both emotionally and physically (condoms). You can revisit the exclusivity question at this point if you'd like, but I'd recommend deciding beforehand how you will react to various responses he might give (i.e., I will end the relationship or stop having sex with him or whatever you're comfortable with if he says he still wants to see other people.) and then follow through! Good luck though! I'm also a single 30something in NYC, so I know how tough it is out there!
Ruby Slippers Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Ding ding ding. That isn't cynical, it's common sense. I'm a male, mid 20s. If I am interested in a woman, she has my undivided attention. Agreed. He's just not that into you. Sorry.
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