Terrible Situation: Guilt, Paranoia, Pain, Anxiety & Depression

[DSM-IV Tom]

Some of you are familiar with who I am.

 

But let me clarify to everyone else.

 

My name is Thomas, and I care about people more than I care about myself 99% of the time. I care about myself a lot though. But I care about other peoples feelings a lot. If it were up to me I'd save the world.

 

No really, I really would. I'd take away everyones pain. And in a way that makes me feel selfish, because I know it would make me happy with myself to know I could remove everyone elses pain. That makes me think that I only want to help others for my benefit.

 

 

But let's get down to business.

 

 

I dated my ex for about 12 months. (I say 10 months, but we were together more or less for 12).

 

Everything was perfect towards the beginning. But towards the end, things began to fall through. She complained a lot about certain mannerisms of mine, WHICH I THINK SHE HAD EVERY RIGHT TO. (I.e., I care too much about looks, and I can say mean things about random people. I hate this trait about me I really do and I don't know why I do it. Insecurity I think).

 

Anyways, she said she wanted a break out of nowhere on November 4th. She stated she never see's her friends anymore, and that basketball is coming up, and work and school... she said she doesn't have time to balance it out.

 

Honestly though I feel like she just wanted to be away from me for a while. WHICH I UNDERSTAND. I sure as hell would want to get away from me for a while too. I made mistakes with her. (Never cheated or lied though about anything big).

 

Anyways, yeah, it ripped me apart when she broke up with me. She was rude to me too when I tried to talk through it and asked for help in changing some things about me.

 

So I understood the futileness of the situation and told her it'd be best to not speak to me.

 

She stopped talking to me but before long, she started txting me again saying she misses me and what not. But she was holding solid to not getting back together so I held solid to not talking to her.

 

We went through this about every other week, but then she really began to break and say how much she misses me... and she said she wants to be together as soon as she isn't so busy anymore...

 

I asked for a time but she wouldn't give me one.

 

Well, another week or two passed.

 

I decided to spend the night with another girl last night. (NO SEX INVOLVED. I knew right off the bat that there would be no sex. I couldn't do that). I warned her I was NOT over my ex and that I still had feelings for her. This girl wanted to hang out still anyways...

 

So we drank and then she did kiss me and fool around with me a little. (But I didn't do anything to her).

 

Anyways, I woke up with severe regret and guilt. I hated myself and felt 100% like a player. I felt so guilty...

 

And then **** hit the fan, because I got a txt from my ex... she said her feelings for me haven't and could never change, and she wants to get back together 100% the second basketball finally ends in February. She said she hasn't been with any guys and can't even look at them..

 

So that intensified the guilt... I've never felt so horrible. I felt so horrible about myself that I went into numb mode. Now I feel nothing...

 

That's how bad it is. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I don't want to talk to any girls now..

 

 

 

I wish I could just go back to when I was a little kid... where the only thing I worried about was how far I would get on my Final Fantasy 7 Playstation game...

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Well you really don't have anything to feel guilty about in my opinion. But I could see where you feel guilty anyways. Here you are trying to be a decent guy and yet still start to move on and it all backfired. There really is only two ways to hand it. You either tell her flat out that you spent the night there but didn't do anything, or you say nothing. Now judging by the fact that you posted you probably feel really guilty. I know that can't even tell you what I personally would do in that situation. A part of me says be completely honest about everything, but then the other side says you really didn't do anything wrong. If the girl knew there was nothing happening then that part really didn't have to mean anything. You were lonely and wanted some companionship for the night. You might want to even leave it as that. Nothing bad happened and she helped me when I was really feeling down and needed someone to be around.

[DSM-IV Tom]

That's solid Gone, and thank you for the time and reading through that.

 

You have helped.

 

Really.

 

I used to tell myself I didn't feel any pain and I had no conscience. I guess I was only trying to protect myself. Because now I see how much I really care about the people I care about..

 

I don't think I could ever bring myself to tell my ex about this girl because:

 

A). I know it would kill her

and

B). I know it would ruin my chance to ever be with her again.

 

I feel so selfish by wanting to not hurt her, because I feel like I'm REALLY only not saying anything so I don't lose her. What a mess.

 

I wish I never did anything. Even though I didn't think I'd see my ex again at the time... you're right man it backfired.. couldn't have worded that better..

 

Thanks again for your time for reading and replying to what I had written.

[SRV]

I would suggest that you take the time apart and really work on yourself for YOU to make you a better person. This should be a time spent on introspection and maybe avoid having the girls around for clarity of your emotional as well as rational well being.

 

Good luck!

[GoneButNotForgotten]

I'm going to use a quote from my favorite tv show House MD

"It's noble to want to confess ... but if the result is just damage and pain, that's not noble. It's selfish," I can tell you that guilt will subside. And it fades a lot faster than heartbreak. Granted if you truly did something wrong it may not. But I had a girl kiss me at a party once while I was dating my ex. I didn't do anything for it, just happened to be sitting at the wrong place at the wrong time. I did not tell because I didn't do anything and did not even kiss back. I did feel bad and guilty for a while. After a point I realized that even telling her was not going to help anything. I did not put myself in a bad situation and didn't reciprocate. After I realized that and could believe it I stopped thinking about it.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Thank you both and I understand.

 

Should I feel guilty? Because I do.

 

But the conscious part of me is telling me that I shouldn't feel guilty, because I was broken up and she was rude most of the time of this break and she hurt me a lot.

 

But the other part says I should feel guilty because she said she wants to get back together.

 

*Sigh*

 

I wish I could take everything back and do it all over again better..

[GoneButNotForgotten]

There are plenty of things in life that we all wish we could get a second shot at given the knowledge we have now. I for sure would not be a 5th year senior praying to graduate by May. Its mistakes that make us who we are. When you make the right decision you never think about it again. When you make the wrong one is when you get the opportunity to second guess yourself and grow from that experience.

 

The guilt thing is different for everyone. It really depends on the person's moral grounds of what they feel is right and wrong. Life is not black and white but shades of gray.

 

Just gonna throw in a quote that makes me smile when I think about it:

"Your born cold, wet, and hungry... and then things get worse"

[EmperorR]

So wait she dumped you, and you were moving on but then she wants you back and you want her right?

 

that's a hard spot your in, because if you tell her, especially she did nothing with guys, she may just say forget it etc. you know how girls are. But on the other side what if she asks you lying is the worst thing you can do as well.

[You'reasian]

.....I decided to spend the night with another girl last night. .....I knew right off the bat that there would be no sex. I couldn't do that). I warned her I was NOT over my ex and that I still had feelings for her. This girl wanted to hang out still anyways...

 

So we drank and then she did kiss me and fool around with me a little. (But I didn't do anything to her).

 

Anyways, I woke up with severe regret and guilt. I hated myself and felt 100% like a player. I felt so guilty...

 

........I wish I could just go back to when I was a little kid... where the only thing I worried about was how far I would get on my Final Fantasy 7 Playstation game...

 

Hey DT,

 

Sorry that you feel so much guilt? Have you tried to seek help about this?

 

You were a kid when Final Fantasy 7 was a game - young dude! Go out and have some fun, get you a new girlfriend and keep up with the PS3. The graphics look nice!

[Geishawhelk]

The only reason you feel Guilt, is because you acted against your better judgement.

But you were still lucid enough (for want of a better word!) to stipulate quite clearly that you were not going to have sex.

Now, this term...."fool around"...

 

It's mainly an American term, I don't hear it used in the UK a whole lot.

But it seems to cover 'a multitude of sins'.... anything from hot kissing to just falling short of "going in with Tod in his jacket"....

I'm not quite sure, therefore, just how far your "foolin' around' went.

 

My guess is that you felt lonely, and needed a bit of intimate comfort.

 

D'you know, for a guy in your position, there really is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.

I'm always saying that "Desire is Natural. Fidelity is a Choice."

But at that specific, given moment, you actually were not under any obligation to be faithful to anyone.

At that specific given moment, you were indeed what is known as a 'Free Agent'.

 

Remorse is good.

Remorse highlights your errors, and permits you to address the problem, and redress the balance.

Guilt.

Guilt is bad.

it beats you around the head, and weighs you down.

 

Feel remorse, if feel, you must.

But not Guilt.