smile711 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Well, it's been a long time since I posted on LS! I have been working through the devastation of MM saying he was getting a divorce, moving in with me, meeting my family, and then leaving out of nowhere one day 4 months into living together. I am doing better than I thought I would be in a lot of ways. I have met a very nice guy (my own age, not married, not a cheater, not an alcoholic, not a drug addict...just to name a few of the qualities that make him a better choice than xMM! ). I am about 4 months into NC, and though I occasionally see his face (as we both work for the same company in the mall) I have not spoken to him or attempted to contact him in any way. The panic attacks are fewer and farther between and when they do come, they are not as severe. So all in all, things are going pretty well! But of course, you know something's bugging me if I'm posting again! There are a couple things I need advice on. First, I am having a hard time trusting this new guy I'm seeing. Let me emphasize, he has done NOTHING to warrant my distrust-it is 100% my internal demons. He is a friend of a friend that I have known for a long time and she has known him for a long time and his history is clean and faithful! But if he doesn't text or call for a while, or when he's out with his friends, that little devil on my shoulder starts making me wonder if I can trust any guy. I hate to feel this jaded and yet I know it's just me trying to keep my distance and protect myself from the pain and humiliation I endured with the xMM. Any advice on how to proceed? Second, I still find myself thinking about xMM. I wonder what's going on in his life and if he thinks about me. And before you say it-I know it doesn't matter in my life anymore. If he is doing wonderfully or if his life is falling apart-it has no bearing on my life. Somedays I think there is no way things could be going swimmingly well for him given what he did and the fact that his wife and family know. I also think that he will probably cheat again, as I was probably his 10th affair (at least) in his 20-year marriage. But then the little devil stops by again (what a jerk that thing is! ) and says, "Well, you loser, he didn't choose you and he went back home. Life must be pretty damn good for him and his wife has forgiven and forgotten what he has done." I don't want him to be happy and content-I know it's not my business but I'm here to tell the truth. I want him to question the decision he made every day...I want him to miss me and realize that I gave so much to have him in my life and he ruined me for a time when he left. How do I get through this frustration and negative feelings? It's not healthy or constructive and I know that!
wildsoul Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Hey there! It's so great to hear you're bouncing back! I've got a little experience with your 1st point. One of my xBF's cheated on me and it messed me up pretty good. After a dating time out, I met the man who would later become my husband (now xH, but that's irrelevant here, as he was NOT a cheater.) So while every thought and intuition I had about my new guy told me that he wasn't a cheater, once in a while a bit of fear from past nagged at me. What to do? I knew it was inappropriate to hash it all out with the new guy, so when I got worried I called a girlfriend instead. Sometimes just to pass the time. Other times they knew I was anxious and helped me to let go. If it was really important, I did tell him. For example, we had a party to introduce our friends to each other, and a female friend of his was hanging all over him inappropriately "marking territory" in front of me. My guy was genuinely clueless about the girly games. On that one, I needed to discuss it. He explained that he had rebuffed her advances before (which validated my reality) and that he just wouldn't invite her anymore. Wow. And he did just that. He proved that my feelings mattered. So basically what I'm saying is you need to ride out the small stuff, but bring up the big stuff. What I found is that after us dating for 5 months or so, jealousy was a NON-ISSUE. All my residual fears from my xBF melted away as my new guy earned my trust a day at a time. Have faith that this is probably a temporary anxieity. If you find it becomes a problem, then get some extra counseling or whatever. But it's normal for you to go thru trust issues right now. As to your 2nd point, I dunno, but since you said it's a little "devil" that is talking to you, perhaps you can continue to play with that in an imaginary way. "Thanks devil, why don't YOU go hang out with old MM and leave me alone, k?" Send the thoughts away and get back to regularly scheduled programming.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 You aren't over him yet and that's why you may not be ready for this new guy. You're still in the anger stage - Instead of not caring if the ex is happy or not, you're hoping he's miserable with his choice to go back home, hoping he's missing you and regretting his decision. All I can say about the new guy is, take it slow and try your best not to let insecurity and negative thoughts take over. He is NOT your ex. Trust him until he gives you reason not to..But, if you can't handle it and you're having worrisome thoughts about him, then maybe getting involved with someone else so soon is a mistake. You can't trust your own instincts, which means you haven't healed from the pain and all the crap you went through.
White Flower Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Ya know smile711, I've met a couple of guys since exMM and I haven't had any feeling of distrust with them. Maybe the new guy actually gives off the feeling himself? I don't know, but I think it is worth keeping an eye on. At any rate, your experience will make you leery at first so just keep a watchful eye and don't jump to any conclusions. Good luck, WF.
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