audrey_1 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Some backstory, though all of my threads are about him, so take your pick: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145580/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163246/ I haven't posted in a while about my situation; I actually thought we had cleared all our hurdles over the past couple months, despite the mess that is an LDR, but I was sorely mistaken. I dropped by his house when I got into town the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and there was another girl there. He had recently injured his lower back, and she was giving him a massage. So I was a bit devastated and left, realizing that I was too invested for a "casual relationship," and that once and for all, I needed to go NC. We had been spending a lot of time together, so I didn't even fathom he was seeing someone else, too. So we sent a couple emails back and forth via Facebook, and I learned that he had not had "feelings" for me since very early on, which would be OVER A YEAR AGO. I sent him an email when I was in "sabotage" mode, when I realized how much I cared for him and was panicking, and apparently it worked. So if you're ever thinking of sending a letter for ANY reason, I would think twice. You may get what you think you want. But honestly, I thought we had gotten past it. I thought he understood I was gun shy, and we had moved on. Apparently not. After I asked him about the girl at his house, he said they had plans Saturday, as she'd asked him to hang out a week prior. That day was his birthday. We were to have plans that Friday and Sunday. Here's some of what he said… "You weren't a backup to anyone and I've never treated you like one. There has been several times that she wanted to spend some time with me, but I had already committed to hanging out with you, so I turned her down. Maybe it makes you feel better to see me as a player because maybe it makes it a bit easier for you to dislike me, simply to get over all of this. I'm not surprised because typically the ability to begin to hate someone makes it that much easier to get rid of having personal feeling for me. I care about you very much as you've become a meaningful person in my life- but my feelings simply don't run as deep as yours. It's not that they never did, but early on in our re-acquainting with one another- you did some things that really made me look at you with concern. I wouldn't talk to you for a few days and you'd fly off the handle in a long email rant filled with passive-agressive anger towards me." So he got a cold and ended up staying home. I went over to his house on Friday, and we sat on the couch talking for about 3 hours. He turned the TV off and gave me his undivided attention, despite the fact he was pretty miserable with his cold. I explained to him that having strong feelings for someone, and my fear of intimacy, was wrong, and that my sending that email was wrong. I apologized more than once, and I even teared up at one point, admitting how difficult it was for me to let him see me that weak. It was SO HARD for me to be that vulnerable, but our last chance was flashing before my eyes. So I figured it was time to go. He had brought up the relationship stuff. We talked about it. We talked about some other things, and then I thought I should just go and not keep hanging around. I got up, told him to take care, and walked toward the door to see myself out. He walked outside with me, which is out of the ordinary. He asked me for a hug, which confused me. He had told me he didn't want any more physical contact with me, so I expected that to include hugs. I asked him why hug me? And he said I was going. I said yes, I'm going. He asked me would I call or text when I was headed out of town. I reminded him he had plans with the other girl, to which he responded, uh, oh, well that's sometime tomorrow afternoon, like it was no big deal. Then he asked was I going to call him when I came into town. I told him no, and he looked confused. He hugged me very tight. I looked him in the eye, and told him I loved him, which I had not done before. Then I turned and walked away. He was still standing on his porch as I drove away. I could see him in my rear view mirror, and that was a first for him. He never watches me leave. As far as I'm concerned, that is our last contact on a personal level. So – we are still linked together on Facebook, and we still have some business together that requires a meeting in March of next year. This is a lucrative possibility for both of us, and I'm going to see it through, trying to keep it separate from our personal crap. How should I handle NC or LC going forward over the next few months? I'm not sure I can be his platonic friend, but I wish I didn't have to cut him completely out of my life except for our pending business proposal. Thoughts?
LikeCharlotte Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 In order to get some sort of control over your feelings and to move forward you have to keep walking away like you did from his door... mentally, physically and emotionally. You might be much stronger when you see him again. If you feel differently at that time cross that bridge. You can't continue to validate him in any way now that you know your feelings are not reciprocated. The sweet thoughts you have are now reserved for someone who thinks you are beautiful AND has the wherewithal, strength and integrity to allow himself to want you. Your posts are thorough and thoughtful. You know what you want... go find a match and keep walking away from Mr. Wishy Washy. Don't engage him in anything from here forward except the project - and keep that professional and minimal. Come to LS if it gets hard. Dance in your underwear, eat junk food and sing loudly when all else fails. GL Audrey.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 I will wait until sometime in February/March to see if he contacts me about our meeting with potential buyers; if he doesn't, I will be contacting him. I already know I'm invited to the dinner. I wrote all the correspondence/proposal that will be referred to in the meeting. I have to see this through. I will try my best not to engage him any other way. I know that I can't. Since I will be traveling to where he is more than usual over the next month, with the holidays, it will be very, very hard to forget about him. He lives in the same town as my parents. I'm stronger than this.
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