4 year relationship ending, and i dont know how to act...

[MiaMia]

Hi,

this is my first time here, and i really need some advice....

 

I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years with a man who i planned on marrying. About 6 months ago we moved in together, even though i have been having serious concerns for over a year and a half now.... yes i know, that was a bad move on my part.

 

We have been having the same fight now for about a year- he is completely emotionally stunted, and has a hard time expressing anything but anger openly (NOT how it was the first 2-3 years)... It had become SO pronounced once we moved in together that i have sunken into the deepest depression i have ever felt, and have developed an anxiety disorder that has begun to affect my health.

 

Our fights went something like this,

ME: I am not feeling loved anymore.... You never kiss me, tell me you love me, or show me any type of affection without my specifically asking for it.

 

HIM: (not making eye contact, in an infuriating monotone 'i dont give a ****' voice) Yes i DO, youre being ridiculous, why are you always bitching at me? (at this point he is usually raising his voice, getting extremely angry, and rolling his eyes, making sarcastic facial gestures etc.)

 

- let me emphasize that i am in NO way raising my voice, whenever i have mentioned my concerns to him. They come from a place of hurt, and i merely want him to understand that he is hurting me by acting like i dont exist.

 

This is a guy who has planned his life with me in mind. Even since he has been acting this way, he still expressed his desire to be with me forever (although lacking emotion) and it was him who wanted to move in togethr, despite my hesitation.

 

what it basically comes down to is that i am an extremely giving person in a relationship- and i often become a doormat. Well, i may as well have footprints on my face right now, because i am completely used and unappreciated, but i never stop trying- a serious fault of mine in times like these.

 

I know that i have encouraged him to treat me this way by not demanding that he give me the respect i deserve, and continuing to be loving a supporting of him regardless of how horribly he treats me.

 

Here is the Current Issue.....................

 

about two weeks ago, during one of our typical fights- something that should NEVER escalate into a fight, if he would control his anger, and openly communicate- I was so hurt and frankly pissed off after he began personally attacking me as he usually does in an effort to avoid addressing me concerns. saying things like " youre a f-ing bitch, you have nothing of value to say in my opinion. Everyone hates you, im not the only one. Why dont you see that when you start having the same conversation with me again, i am NOT LISTENING to you. Ill say whatever i have to in order to shut you up" he then continues his tirade by telling me his mother and sister (whom i had become very close with over the 4 years) think im 'crazy' .... this was the final straw for me, and so i told him i wanted a break, because i was not even getting the most basic respect that i deserve.

 

he has a way of manipulating people that we both know (friends, family etc) with his "good innocent boy" act.... likely a product that he was EXTREMELY spoiled growing up- always outright told that he was the favorite child, and that he was the one they knew would 'do things' with his life. He has become so good at manipulating people... he has ALMOST EVERYONE FOOLED. It is infuriating. He comes off as this happy-go-lucky guy who jokes around, doesnt take anything too seriously, and loves the important people in his life very much.

 

He matured very VERY late- because of his upbringing mostly, i suspect. Basically, he is 25, and only now going through the " me, me, me, i dont care about you" rebellious, selfish phase that most go through in highschool. But he saves it all for ME. likely because he knows i will take it- my fault for letting him think that for so long.

 

since the "break" he hasnt acted affected one way or another- which i expected, since he always acts severly unaffected/indifferent/apathetic when it comes to anything of an emotional nature.

 

I know this man inside and out, and i know that he is dealing with some personal demons now and for the last year- something i have tried to express loving concern for- though he usually just said in an arrogant tone "there is nothing wrong with me, i am not angry" About three nights ago he opened up to me, telling me that he has been dealing with these issues and wants my advice about going to talk to someone about it. So at least i know im not crazy, and that he really is aware of the negative shifts that he has made in recent years in terms of his personality.

 

MY PROBLEM:

I love him. I hate him. I dont know how to handle him.

 

I know that he is a good person at heart, and that he will likely at some point come to a realization that he needs to work on himself in the way that he treats others. The way i look at it is, we made a commitment to eachother, and i was in it for the long haul, as he said he was. I am in no way delusional about the effort that is required in a long term relationship. When problems arise, i dont throw up my hands and say "well, theres a bump in the road, better abort the mission"... i am willing to put in the effor to calmly discuss our issues, and mutually come to an agreement on the things we will both work on so that we can be happy together. I know that i am in no way perfect, and am more than willing to hear what he has to say about the things he would like for me to work on, provided he does so in a respectful and loving manner.

 

Basically, i am willing to put in the work, because i am looking toward the future. He is NOT willing to put in the work, but is more than willing to accept my kindness, and the benefits of my personal efforts, without gratitude.

 

In the past 3 or 4 days, we have gotten into a few arguments when i have asked him if we could calmly talk about what is going on, and where things are going in the future. He is unwilling to broach the conversation, saying things like "youre not my girlfriend, i dont have to listen to you bitch at me".... this is how he always refers to my attempts to lovingly discuss anything that isnt lighthearted, or sports related... i am automatically bitching.

 

He doesnt seem to understand that we still live together, and will be living together until the end of our lease in about 12 months. He doesnt feel that it is necessary to be respectful towards me, nor show me any evidence that he has cared for me at all, or that the past 4 years have meant anything to him..... when he acts like this, it BREAKS MY HEART. I feel betrayed, and confused as to whether he ever cared at all.

 

I havent really talked to anyone about this, so excuse the length of this post, i hope that people will read it and respond, despite its lengthy nature.... i need to get this off my chest and get some advice. The two people i have talked to about this, both said "just act like you dont care.... mirror back to him how he is to you".... in theory this sounds fair.

 

the problem with this is, I DONT KNOW HOW TO ACT LIKE I DONT CARE, WHEN I DO. I am not the 'tit-for-tat' type of person.... When i love someone, i can never consciously chose to be mean, or act like i am not hurt by the way he treats me.

 

I can see that i am pushing him away by showing him that i care, but because we live together, and i am constantly exposed to his indifference, i cannot avoid the pain it brings me, and dont think that i can walk around 24 hours a day pretending i am unaffected.

 

IS THE ADVICE OF MY FRIENDS REASONABLE?? SHOULD I JUST STOP BEING SO CONSIDERATE OF HIM, HELPING HIM WITH WHATEVER HE NEEDS MY HELP FOR, ETC.

 

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.... HOW DO I DO THIS WITHOUT BEING A BITCH????

 

please please please give me some advice.... i have never been able to do these things, and i have no idea what types of things i should be doing.

 

Overall, i still believe that he is supposed to be in my life in the long term. But how am i supposed to help him change? and how long am i supposed to try to help him, even though he resists it??? I knwo that i am being unfair to myself by putting up with it, but i just want to believe that our love is strong enough to overcome the hurdles that life will inevitably present. We have in the past, and i would like to continue to do so. But i just cant figure out if he is willing to put in the mutual effort, or if he simply expects me to adapt to his negative changes, without complaint.

 

I dont know what to do, i am heart broken here.... please help me, give me some advice.... any advice at all.

 

I hope to hear back from someone soon, as the situation is rapidly approaching the point of no return, and i will end up being the one who is hurt, not him. He will be able to shut it off, lock away the pain, and move on.

 

 

-thank you in advance-

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Is taking a vacation away from him an option? Grab a friend and go away for a week or even a weekend. It will help you get a chance to get away from the hostility. Also, it will give him time to think. I don't know about all guys, but I know that a lot of us tend to really start thinking more when we are alone. If there is other stuff going around we can easily be distracted from deeper thoughts. Guys tend to be more visual as opposed to verbal. Shiny objects can keep guys entertained for hours.

 

If you do go on a small vacation or something just leave a note. Say you love him dearly, but slowly you are losing your sense of self worth and dignity. You do not feel right in doing that. Relationships are two people. Not one person and someone for them to use. Explain that you need the feeling of companionship, not all the time, but sometimes without provocation would be more than enough.

[MiaMia]

i so very much appreciate your response.....

 

actually, we are both in our final year of college together right now, and in a few days we will be on christmas break....

 

he will be going home to see his family and friends, and i will be doing the same.

 

the problem is, i am so worried that if we spend that time apart, and i dont talk to him still, he will forget about me.

 

i am scared that i will want to call him, and if he doesnt want to talk to me, i will be so hurt.... and i know i will likely ask him "why wont you talk to me, please dont act like this" or something like that, which will only push him away more, or make him angry.

 

If it were any other person, i would be inclined to think that time apart would lead them to think about the situation more clearly.

 

However, with him, he is typically not an introspective person- especially when he goes home. I am so worried that he will look at this time as "freedom" where he can do whatever he wants, with whatever girls he wants. And i dont know if this is a reasonable fear or not.

 

I am just scared that he is looking at this time as a welcomed distraction from me, and some of the people he will be spending time with, namely his brother, are very much the "forget about her, lets go to the bars and find you a new girl, you dont need that mess in your life" type.

 

Should i merely fight the urge to contact him over this next month??? or will that make him forget about me?

[Posco_Proudfoot]

saying things like " youre a f-ing bitch, you have nothing of value to say in my opinion.

 

He actually said this or are you paraphrasing what you felt like?

[GoneButNotForgotten]

He is an introspective person. He just doesn't share it with anyone. Everyone thinks about themselves. He will not forget that fast. It takes more than a few days to forget about someone you have spent the past 4 years with. Trust me, it just happened to me. The time apart could be a good thing. At this point all you can do is put yourself out there and hope that he really is the person that you think. I know it may sound counterproductive. But you cannot force him to open up. It will only push him farther away.

[9Lives]

Is taking a vacation away from him an option? Grab a friend and go away for a week or even a weekend. It will help you get a chance to get away from the hostility. Also, it will give him time to think. I don't know about all guys, but I know that a lot of us tend to really start thinking more when we are alone. If there is other stuff going around we can easily be distracted from deeper thoughts. Guys tend to be more visual as opposed to verbal. Shiny objects can keep guys entertained for hours.

 

If you do go on a small vacation or something just leave a note. Say you love him dearly, but slowly you are losing your sense of self worth and dignity. You do not feel right in doing that. Relationships are two people. Not one person and someone for them to use. Explain that you need the feeling of companionship, not all the time, but sometimes without provocation would be more than enough.

 

This was a very good answer. I agree. I think she needs to read this book called women who love too much. But men need time to their self. I have learned that.

[justletgo07]

This same sort of dynamic played out in my relationship with my ex, and we actually switched roles before it was all said and done. I think we both have significant issues with abandonment and with feeling pressured or as if someone is trying to control us. It often made our relationship a very delicate balancing act, with both of us trying not to ask for too much while simultaneously trying not to be ignored.

 

If your boyfriend is sensitive to feeling as though he is being pressured, he will likely react very agressively and with lots of anger no matter how you approach the subject with him. My girlfriend also had a very quick temper and was prone to become very angry when I would try to talk about problems or if I was feeling unloved, unappreciated, etc. While I think this was partially an anger management issue, I also know her to be very insecure and a perfectionist, and to her, telling her I was unhappy with how she was acting towards me was like saying over and over "You failed. You do everything wrong!" Being someone who hates making mistakes and hates feeling like she's in a situation where she can't do anything right, her reaction became one of extreme anger, even if I approached the subject calmly.

 

I too perceived her to be very selfish, and that may be partially true, but I also could have been more understanding and appreciative of the good things she brought to my life. She had a lot of stressful things going on in her life, and I ended up being the stress that was most easily removed from her life. If I had it to do over, I would have backed off, stopped being so dependant on her, and find ways to meet my needs for comfort, affection, and love from within myself and from friends. I imagine that had I done this, she would have begun giving me the attention I wanted, since it would have been on her terms.

 

I would just back off from him completely. Let him make the first moves and get used to the idea that you aren't going to pressure him for affection. If he continues to treat you the way he does (which, despite how he feels, is still unacceptable) then move on with you life.

[flyguy23]

i was the same way as your boyfriend, but my one day my gf had her breaking limit. we had a small fight and she ended up totally ignoreing me for 3 days and that really helped me see what i was doing to her. i think you should do something similar. next time he does something like that just back off and make him realize what life is like w.o you. and if he tries to "forget about you" by going to bars and meeting new women then maybe he isnt the one for you

[MiaMia]

oh he really says these things...he has developed such anger inside, that when he is aggravated by anything, he explodes.

 

he has developed this terrible habit of going straight for the jugular- he says the things that he knows will hurt me the most, and he does this pretty much right away becasue he knows it will make me shut down and not talk because i end up getting upset.

[MiaMia]

At this point all you can do is put yourself out there and hope that he really is the person that you think. I know it may sound counterproductive. But you cannot force him to open up. It will only push him farther away.

 

any suggestions on how to do this??? haha... i have such a hard time ignoring the urge to say "whats wrong" "is everything ok?" ....

 

does anyone have some kind of personal mantra, or phrase they repeat to themself to fight this incessant urge??? ahhhhhh.... its so hard.

[MiaMia]

If your boyfriend is sensitive to feeling as though he is being pressured, he will likely react very agressively and with lots of anger no matter how you approach the subject with him. My girlfriend also had a very quick temper and was prone to become very angry when I would try to talk about problems or if I was feeling unloved, unappreciated, etc. While I think this was partially an anger management issue, I also know her to be very insecure and a perfectionist, and to her, telling her I was unhappy with how she was acting towards me was like saying over and over "You failed. You do everything wrong!" Being someone who hates making mistakes and hates feeling like she's in a situation where she can't do anything right, her reaction became one of extreme anger, even if I approached the subject calmly...

 

wow.... this is EXACTLY HIM... i had never considered it this way. He did mention the anger management thing the other night, thank god he sees it... but youre totally right. I really feel like i have become the stress in his life that is the easiest to remove.

 

Any advice on how to act so that he knows i care about him, but without stressing him out??

[GoneButNotForgotten]

I don't know your type of music or anything but I have been listening to two songs that really hit home for me. I Stand Alone by Godsmack and Tear Away by Drowning Pool. Most significantly there is a part in Tear Away where you can hear him say "God damn I love me" and that to me is exactly how you have to be in at this point. You can be alone and be strong. I fight the urge to call her every minute of every day. But I know that in order to respect myself at the end of the day I have to do what I know is right for both me and her. I to this very moment think my girl made a big mistake but the only way for me to prove that is to step back and let her see that.

[msjules]

This man is BAD NEWS. I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to let go of him and move on with your life. A friend once told me that during the dating stages you are seeing the best that that person has to offer and it doesn't get better after you are married. In fact their behavior often gets a little worse after marriage.

 

He is emotionally abusing you left and right, everyday, and you are allowing this. I know you have years of emotional investment, not to mention the time, but this is not going to bring you happiness in the long run. You cannot act in a way that doesn't stress him out. He is in control of his responses, not you. And if he can't handle his anger, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that you can do about that.

 

I am surprised that, given his anger issues and hostility toward you, that he hasn't been physically abusive. It would not surprise me one bit to find out that he has been.

 

Again, I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is probably what you need to hear. You need to give up on this man and move on. He is never going to change and he is never going to meet your emotional needs. I am sorry for that and for the pain you are going through. Take care of yourself and good luck.

[MiaMia]

see, this is what i feel like i should do. I am so damn forgiving when it comes to him... like last night he was acting in his usual way, being rude and condescending, and he didnt care that i was upset by it. About half an hour later, after i think he felt bad about it, he was trying to joke around , and be lighthearted with me (his only form of apology) ... and after he saw that those little gestures didnt really make up for the hurt, because i didnt really relent- he comes up to me and in a very bashful way says "come here," and hugs me....

 

this SIMPLE act on his part was all it took for me to, without even realizing it, go back to my normal self. When i think about it, i am CRAZY to think that a hug can make up for the awful things he says, and the way he makes me feel when he does this.

 

- but on the other hand, is it fair to hold onto my hurt, just to prove a point??? this is the only thing that keeps holding me back from totally ignoring him.

 

Everyone keeps suggesting that i should do this, and "give him a dose of his own medicine" and part of me wants to... but the other part is worried it will only make it worse??? What do you think, flyguy23? considering that you were in his place with your ex ???

[MiaMia]

thank you, i appreciate your response... That is what my intentions were, to be honest, when i broke it off a little while ago...

 

the problem is that i live with him, and cant get out of the lease- neither of us can afford it alone, we are both on the lease- and we really dont have many other options.

 

I feel like an idiot admitting to this, because i know that i am only giving him more power- but every time he acts so indifferent towards me, i almost try harder to analyze whther or not he EVER really cared. It has become kind of all-consuming, and i hate it.

 

i completely agree that this is serious emotional abuse. I realize that, and have for a long time now.... its embarrasing to admit that i am willingly subjecting myself to this, and practically encouraging it by putting up with it. Its just that i have a hard time NOT believing in someone i care about, and i Believe that he is better than that. I know that he is capable of dealing with these issues, and becoming the man he once was.

 

I am jst worried that he has become so accustomed to blaming me for everything, that he is really starting to believe the things he says about me in anger. I am so insecure now in what i deserve in a relationship, that i constantly am made to feel like i am asking for too much.... even though the things i ask for are very basic principles of respect.

 

I agree with what your sister told you... i have said this on more than one occasion. The only thing is, i have seen him at his best and his worst.... and he has seen me at my best and worst....

 

i have just always believed that long term ANything takes a lot of work, and is at times incredibly frustrating, but you just have to keep your eyes on the horizon, and focus on the promise you made to one another, and know that with effort it will get better.

 

Now that i just read back over that last sentence, it does seem a bit unreasonable, but i have to believe that on some level its true.

 

i dont know.... any thoughts anyone ???

 

AND THANK YOU SO SO SO VERY MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED ME- YOUR SUPPORT IS INVALUABLE AND I AM SINCERELY GRATEFUL!

[heartbroken55]

Hi MiaMia,

 

I'm going through a breakup of a 4 year relationship myself. My fiance and I have been living together for about a year and engaged for about the same time. The whole time I thought everything was perfect until she left me one day (about 4 weeks ago) leaving a note saying I need some time to think, talk to you soon.

 

After reading your post, I sound a lot like your boyfriend. I get really uncomfortable when it comes to serious matters so whenever my fiance tried to get serious and talk about something that bothered her I would kind of skate around the issue and not really listen to her. I made her feel worse most of the time. So then she learned to just keep things to herself when something bothered her. We all know that's not healthy for anyone.

 

After about a week after she left she wrote me a really long letter explaining how she felt, why she left and why she thinks we should go our separate ways. Like you, she also blamed herself for letting me treat her that way and not saying anything. I was devastated. I could not go to work the next day. I never felt so depressed and worthless ever in my life.

 

I really started to think about how I treated her and how she deserved better. When she was there with me, looking back I took advantage of how nice she was. I would say whatever I wanted and did whatever I wanted because I knew that she would let me. Now that she left me for it... I feel like a total idiot and just want to pamper her and make her feel like a princess. How dumb of me to treat her so poorly. What was I thinking!

 

The time that she was not there with me was like hell on earth. It was total torture. Like throwing someone into a dark room by themselves. I just kept thinking of things to say and do to make her come back.

 

When I finally convinced her to talk to me in person she was so cold and apathetic, like the 4 years we spent loving each other meant nothing to her. No matter what I said and how many times I apologized she did not budge. It just made me want to try harder.

 

I think if she gave in and said sorry for leaving you I want to come back, I'll probably get mad at her for leaving me. But because she's being so firm and sticking to her decision I'm pouring my heart out and doing just about everything in the book to get her to come back so that things can be the way they were.

 

I guess my point is... If you don't show any emotions and stay firm, I think it will be torture for him and he will come around. If you show that you will just give in again, he will step all over you like I did with my girl.

 

Do what my girl did, find a friend you can stay with and leave him a note telling him how you feel and that you need time to think about your relationship. If you guys have been together for 4 years, trust me, you have a place in his heart and whatever love he has for you will amplify. When he finally realizes that hey, maybe this girl can leave me. He will wake up and apologize to you. Since I thought my girl leaving me would be the last thing that happens to me, I took advantage of her.

 

So with me my girl took all her stuff one day while I was at work... But I'm still not giving up. Everyone tells me I should give up on her and that there are plenty of other girls out there, but they don't know how much she means to me. I can't believe how cold she is being though. She is the most loving person I've ever known. I hope it's just a front and she's just trying to be strong for herself. Although I had little issues here and there,I'm a good guy and overall I made her very happy. I congratulate her as well because standing up to me like this must've taken a lot of courage on her part. Like I said, the last thing on my mind would be that she was the one leaving the relationship and that makes me want her back even more.

 

Anyways... I wish you luck.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Heartbroken,

 

Your going about getting her back the wrong way. Begging and crying do not work. They just don't. You don't need to move on right away with out her. You do need to step up and take responsibility and work to improve yourself. Forever, not just until she takes you back. That is the hard part. She proved she can leave you, but you need to prove that even though change is hard it is possible. Most people do not change. In order to really be happy with her again you have to prove that you can change. And a lot of that comes to loving yourself enough to stand up and show some pride and be able to keep living. As you back off her and focus more on your life she will probably start to wonder and think what happened. That is when you get the call that you want. Maybe not at first, she may just be curious. But you have to live life.

[heartbroken55]

Heartbroken,

 

Your going about getting her back the wrong way. Begging and crying do not work. They just don't. You don't need to move on right away with out her. You do need to step up and take responsibility and work to improve yourself. Forever, not just until she takes you back. That is the hard part. She proved she can leave you, but you need to prove that even though change is hard it is possible. Most people do not change. In order to really be happy with her again you have to prove that you can change. And a lot of that comes to loving yourself enough to stand up and show some pride and be able to keep living. As you back off her and focus more on your life she will probably start to wonder and think what happened. That is when you get the call that you want. Maybe not at first, she may just be curious. But you have to live life.

 

Thank you for the advice. I realize this and am doing my best. It's just really hard like you said. Worst Christmas ever...

[justletgo07]

MiaMia,

 

If he is reacting because he feels pressured, and particularly if you have been bringing up your concerns on a regular basis, a lot of resentment and anger could have built up on his side, and that will take some time for him to let go of. It's funny that way, the more we want certain things from people, the more they don't want to give us those things. I've read so many posts where the one who is repeatedly saying "You're not meeting my needs" finally backs off, sets firm boundaries with their partner, and starts being more self reliant...and they often say "My partner finally started giving me the love and attention that I had been longing for!"

 

You need to decide if you want to try backing off, finding other ways to address your concerns, and let him come back to you, OR, if you need something more and need to exit the situation. Whatever you do, focus on what YOU will be doing, not what he should be doing or what you want him to be doing. Eliminate all of the pressure in the relationship.

 

Just remember...we are all human...and we tend to say the most hurtful, mean, spiteful things to the people we love the most. People go through rough spots, and do things that are downright mean to the people in their lives that matter the most. It doesn't make them bad people...just people. His reaction, while unpleasant, reveals that he has very strong feelings about you and this relationship. IMHO...try backing off a bit, let him just be for a while, show him you love him just the way he is, and you might be surprised...

 

Oftentimes...relationships get ruined because people try to WORK on things too much. Talking about things too much hurts relationships. Take some time to yourself to determine which of these feelings are based on your own insecurities and expectations, decide how reasonable or fair your expectations are, and look at those areas where you feel unable or unwilling to comprimise. Don't try to control him or his behavior. Just focus on you.

[MiaMia]

Wow.... i am so so sorry for what you are going through.

 

I have to correct you a bit though, because you dont sound too similar to the way my ex acted. 'skating' around the issues is a horse of a different color- so be relieved in knowing that...

 

 

in my situation, that apathy and coldness you feel from her, is what i feel constantly. Only i dont know where its coming from. I think that he just has some inner demons to address, and that because i have always been so accepting and forgiving, and utimaltely unconditional in my love for him- i am the perfect outlet. He doesnt treat anyone else this way- so i am inclined to believe its true.

 

its just that every time i do begin to stand up for myself, he either gets angrier, or the indifference/apathy strengthens.... and every time it breaks me down, because my love for him is stronger than my anger.

 

I must sound really pathetic.

 

my advice to you is, dont give up. About 2 1/2 years ago i was in the same situation with the same guy, back when i was much more confident, and demanded that i receive the same level of respect that i gave him. After a couple of months of him treating me poorly (not nearly as bad as this time) i essentially did what your ex did, and pulled the rug out from under him.

 

I was stronger in my convictions then, and i acted exactly how you described her acting. I had just 'had it' and nothing he said or did would convince me otherwise.... Well obviously i gave in (here i am, again) a few months later, and we got back together, and things were amazing.

 

My advice to you is.... spend some time thinking about whether you WILL truly appreciate her the way you do now, in 5 or 10 years. Because in my case- he was totally convinced that he would never take me for granted in that way again, but over time, he did. Make sure, for her sake, that you are willing to constantly evaluate yourself for the rest of your lives together, to make absolutly sure that you dont unconsciously revert to that place again.

 

this is why she is acting so cold- because she is terrified of it happening AGAIN. SHe sounds a lot like me, and if she is... she is looking for some sign that you really believe what you are telling her- and if she sees that- she will let her guard down. But words sometimes arent enough when you have been really hurt... I wish i could be more specific- but she needs to feel completely confident in the fact that no matter what circumstances could arise in the future, that you would remember this feeling, and work it out with her.

[heartbroken55]

MiaMia,

 

First of all you don't sound pathetic at all. It sounds like your guy is very lucky to have someone as caring as you. As you can see, I know how it feels to have someone you loved for 4 years treat you like you're nothing. So I really sympathize for you.

 

If he really has inner demons and admits to it, maybe he needs to see a therapist or talk to a professional about it. A lot of times our personality disorders come from the way they were raised. You mentioned that he was the favorite and always got his ways. I too was the favorite and always got my ways. I was the one that everyone in the family thought would do great things. I was always complimented and told how perfect I was by my family growing up. So whenever I got any criticism from anyone, it would just get angry and say something like, you don't know what you are talking about and then call them a bitch or idiot or whatever mean thing I came up with at the time.

 

I think that is why whenever my girl told me something was wrong instead of trying to make things better I would tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about and make it so that what she thought was a problem isn't a problem at all. So that's what I meant by skating around the issue and making her feel even worse. Of course I didn't realize I was doing this until recently when she left me.

 

During the relationship I took her for granted and probably was apathetic towards her just like he is to you. During her time away she told a mutual friend that I am nice to everyone else but treat her so bad and she doesn't know why. I'm not sure why either, I think maybe because she allowed me to.

 

So I think you should find that confident person in you again and do what you did back then to make him realize what he's doing to you. It sure woke me up...

 

I know sending my girl emails and text messages begging her and telling how sorry I am, probably is pushing her more away. I'm wondering what he did that made you want to come back? I'm afraid if I do nothing that she will move further away from me... if I do too much it will push her away too. Is she just testing me you think? Or is she being so cold because she really does not care anymore... How can someone stop loving a person so quickly? When you left him were you just waiting for him to say the right things? What was it... Because right now it doesn't sound like she wants to try at all...

 

Sorry for asking you for advice but it sounds in our situations we can really help each other through this.

[Narf]

Hey, I dont really know if my advice will help but i went thru nearly the same stuff... My ex and i were together for 8 years.. 6 of which he become so hard to deal with... There was external issues and stresses that i had nothing to do with but he took them out on me... In the end he broke me I thought i could help him i thru, i thought i was strong enough to deal with his words and the pain he dished my way.. After all i loved him and just wanted to help him and i knew he loved me... but i wasnt helping at all... I was just someone that had been there all the time to vent his anger instead of fixing the problems that caused the anger

 

A year and half ago i walked away, for 8 months he wanted me back said he had changed but i had let it go to far... i was broken and the pain and anger at myself and him wouldnt go away... He has changed from what i can gather and he is a better person.. but that only happened when i walked away it really really sucks and was the hardest thing i have ever done. It has effected other relationships and continues too

I still love him and think i always will but he broke me and i dont know how to get past that with him

 

I guess my advice is maybe it isnt to late for you.. but i would get out now give him time to realise what he is doing... Dont give him unconditional love or he will continue till you break and cant take it anymore and the choice will be yourself or him

 

He wont forget you, and if he tries to escape to a bar, he will face it doubley hard in the morning when reality is back and he will face guilt too, but there is nothing you can do to stop that, if that is what he chooses. Good luck!! I hope it all works out for you.. You seem very similar to how i use to be... Sometimes you have to let go to help but it is very hard to do cause he wont understand at first but hopefully eventually he will

[MiaMia]

Narf,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.... we do sound very similar, everything that you said you were feeling, i am right now.

 

What was it for you that finally made you walk away? and how did you gather the strength to do it??

[Posco_Proudfoot]

TWorst Christmas ever...

Hahaha. I just told someone that today too !

[flyguy23]

i really sugggest you talk to him and tell him how you feel. and if he continues to act this way to you just go no contact on him. you mentioned that your on winter break so use this time to hang out with your old friends and try to take you mind off him. trust me i know its hard. i had to do this to my gf as well. she wasnt treating me right so i told her i couldnt date her if she continued her behavior. i did no contact for only about 3 days and that was enough time for her to realize what she was doing and to come running back to me. i hope the same can happen for you. i wish you the best of luck. but you should not be treated this way and your better off single if hes going to continue