lexi29 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I seem to have this mental problem (no offense to those with true mental illnesses) when it comes to receiving gifts from family, friends, boyfriends. I am a spoiled brat about receiving gifts sometimes but I am very generous at giving gifts. I love to find the perfect present for someone and it makes me feel good that they like it. I don't expect a gift in return from everyone but from family and SO's I do. I don't exactly know why I feel this way. I don't remember being like this as a kid. But it seems as I grew up I took on this attitude of being very hurt when my family (mom, dad) or boyfriend did not get me a nice gift. I feel the same way about receiving cards for christmas. I would rather get a card for my birthday or xmas than a gift. I love cards and probably still have every single card I've been given since I was about 13 years old (I'm sentimental). For some reason I equate gifts with love or appreciation. I give others gifts for xmas because I want them to know how much I value them, love them etc. I always (even when I was in high school and college and had to work two jobs to pay for presents) try to get something that my family, friends, SO will really love. Doesn't mean it has to be expensive but I will take the time to consider their interests etc and pick out something great for them. My former boss once gave me some cat treats for my cat (we shared a love of animals) and a gift certificate for my favorite place to eat lunch. Now I'd never had any boss give me anything for christmas and this touched me so much that I almost cried. It was just such a sweet thing for her to do. But I have been very upset with some situations- for example one christmas when I was 18 my dad got fired from his job about two months before christmas. My parents had no savings and I was worried about my sister (who was 12) not having a nice christmas because they didn't have much money. So I worked as many hours as I could at my part time job and paid some of my parents' bills without their knowledge (my christmas present to them) and I bought a lot of stuff for my sister and told my parents they could give most of it to her from them. I was terrified the whole time (I still lived at home) that my dad wouldn't find another job and we'd have to move (out of the home I grew up in that my dad built)Well my dad found a job about two weeks before christmas and went out and splurged on presents. Bought my sister a ton of stuff and me a few things. Now I realize I was 18 and my sister was younger but I felt like they didn't appreciate me helping them out and were just worried about spoiling my sister and making sure she got everything on her christmas list. A few years later (think I was 21) I was away at college and came home on the weekends to see my family and to work. I was working two jobs (one of which I HATED) so I could buy christmas presents for everyone and it was the first year that I could really afford to get my family something nice. Now i was under some additional stress because my boyfriend of 3 years was moving five hours away for a job and we were going to be LD and he was leaving right after christmas. So I was already a little depressed to start with. But I was excited I was going to get to spend a month (christmas break) with my family. Christmas eve, my parents said they wanted us to open one present. My dad hands my 16 yr old sister this box and its a really nice camera really fancy with all the extras. She loves it. Then my dad hands me this little package and I open it and it is a screw driver! I was like ok, thanks, and my dad says maybe I can use it at my apartment. My boyfriend was there at the time and was like wow are your parents trying to say "screw you" by getting your sister this great gift and giving you a tool you won't even use? Anyway, christmas morning, my mom, dad, and sister get up and go downstairs and leave me upstairs sleeping and they open up ALL their presents. Including everything I had gotten them. So I didn't even get to see them open the gifts I'd bought them. I woke up and was upset because they had acted like I wasn't even a part of the family because they didnt' wait for me to open gifts. My mom was like oh, sorry we didn't think you'd mind. Ok, for the last 20 years we've always opened our gifts together. My sister was showing me everything she'd gotten- ALOT of stuff, cds, a new cd player, a new cell phone, a vcr, clothes and some other stuff I can't remember. Pretty much every single thing she'd asked for and that was a long list. My parents said oh, here's your gifts and handed me a pile of maybe four things. They'd gotten me a blanket, a pair of jeans, and maybe two other little things that I don't remember. I thanked them and tried not to be upset but I really was because it seemed like they went all out for my sister and I was an afterthought. They literally bought my cousin (same age as me) more than they bought me that year. My mom even commented that I had a very little pile of presents and she was sorry but they had no idea what to buy me (I'd lived with them for 20 years!!) and I didn't give them much of a list (well, I gave them a few things but they didnt' buy any of them and I'm not one to make a huge list- a list is just for ideas not a demand list). I just started crying and was a total brat. Told her to just take everything back and that I didnt' feel like I was treated like a member of the family anymore. WHen my boyfriend came over later I literally had a nervous breakdown around him. We were outside and I was telling him how I felt about my parents leaving me out of christmas morning and I just fell to my knees and started bawling (he'd gotten me a new coat for christmas and he was just like "dont' sit on the ground you'll get your coat dirty". but all of this over christmas presents!! Now, I really don't care what my parents get me but this behavior has carried over to SO's. My ex, the first year we were dating (we had been dating only 2 months by christmas) bought me this $100 necklace (I bought him a dvd, blanket, and some tool he wanted) and I felt terrible that he'd bought me such an expensive piece of jewelry (and I dont' wear necklaces) but it was very sweet of him. After a few more years, I really spoiled him one christmas (spent about $500 on him) bought him a lot of stuff he really wanted and had a blast doing it. When we exchanged gifts he'd bought me maybe four things- one of which was a pair of men's sweatpants that were huge on me, and probably spent less than $100 on me (very different from previous years). And he bought me these earrings and told me they cost $70 (i didnt' ask he just told me to be careful with them because they cost $70) and I found out they were from Kmart and cost $10. Again it wasn't really about the amount of money we spent on eachother but that he'd not put any thought into it and I felt really bad giving him all these great gifts and him loving it and me sitting there trying to feign excitment over a pair of men's sweatpants (no idea why he got me those!) while he opened a playstation 2 or something. I should point out, I am not like this with friends or other relatives. I appreciate any of their gifts and if they don't get me anything and I buy them something thats fine too. My fiance's parents gave me a $25 gift card and a christmas card last year and it made me cry because they had never given me a gift before and I was really suprised and thought it was very generous of them (they dont' have much money). But my fiance gave me a $25 gift card last year (and no christmas card) and I was very disapointed and a little irritated (I'd gotten him two gifts and one was a $100 pair of coveralls for work) and again this year I am upset with him because he bought me something I don't need (spent about $20) and I bought him and his son some nice things they both wanted. ANd if he would have spent the $20 on something I would like, I wouldn't be upset. I mean my very first boyfriend (when I was 15) put more thought into a xmas present and we had been dating only 2 months. He bought me a necklace with a heart on it, a stuffed bear and a tape of my favorite song. Really cute. If my fiance just bought me a card (or made one) and wrote something sweet in it I'd be estatic and wouldn't worry about a gift. does anyone else get this way about gifts? I know I shouldn't be like this!!! I was just raised that gifts= love. I know I should be thankful for ANYTHING. Any advice?
kashmir Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Wow, you are really high maintenance. Seriously, I stopped getting Christmas gifts when I was 14. The whole present-aspect of Christmas is meant for kids mostly. You really shouldn't care when you get older, and you shouldn't keep track of who spent how much for who. Just enjoy time off from work/school and don't take gifts so seriously. Because of the ****ty economy and some debt my parents owe, we declared this year to be a presentless Christmas, which I'm all for having. I wouldn't be surprised if your family or boyfriend is doing the same.
Geishawhelk Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Become Buddhist. Not only do they NOT celebrate Christmas, but they strive to detach from all material things which bring nothing but "suffering". Just a thought.
Author lexi29 Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Wow, you are really high maintenance. Seriously, I stopped getting Christmas gifts when I was 14. The whole present-aspect of Christmas is meant for kids mostly. You really shouldn't care when you get older, and you shouldn't keep track of who spent how much for who. Just enjoy time off from work/school and don't take gifts so seriously. Because of the ****ty economy and some debt my parents owe, we declared this year to be a presentless Christmas, which I'm all for having. I wouldn't be surprised if your family or boyfriend is doing the same. I really wish we could have a presentless christmas (except for the kids of course). It would be less stressful. No, my fiance isn't doing this because of the economy or because he just laid off. He had no problem buying a bunch of stuff for his son (and asking me to do so as well so he has lots of stuff from "santa") and then he bought himself a new coat for work, gloves, an MP3 player for himself, and tires for truck. So plenty of "gifts"for himself. He is also taking his son bowling this weekend (because his son wants to go) even though he just got laid off and doesn't have any money saved.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 He had no problem buying a bunch of stuff for his son (and asking me to do so as well so he has lots of stuff from "santa") and then he bought himself a new coat for work, gloves, an MP3 player for himself, and tires for truck. So plenty of "gifts"for himself. He is also taking his son bowling this weekend (because his son wants to go) even though he just got laid off and doesn't have any money saved. Does this make you feel excluded?
2sure Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 LOL. Well.....the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Author lexi29 Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Does this make you feel excluded? yes, it does. Makes me feel like I am not important and not a priority. Feeling this way, the only reason I can see he'd want to marry me and move in with me is for his own selfish reasons- so he can live in a nicer place, have someone to help with bills etc. Meanwhile he will probably keep putting his son and himself above "us". I won't put up with that.
shylight200 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 yes, it does. Makes me feel like I am not important and not a priority. Feeling this way, the only reason I can see he'd want to marry me and move in with me is for his own selfish reasons- so he can live in a nicer place, have someone to help with bills etc. Meanwhile he will probably keep putting his son and himself above "us". I won't put up with that. No offense...but I really think he should put his son before you...every single time. After all it is his son...
Author lexi29 Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 No offense...but I really think he should put his son before you...every single time. After all it is his son... No, I agree his son should come first. I've never asked for it to be any other way. I meant to say him and his son as in he seems to put himself first as well. Like I'm just some disinterested third party. For example he wants to buy his son this $4000 go-kart but he really wants it himself, so he's buying it for his son. His son has never asked for one (but I'm sure he'd like it) but unless they move in with me, they'd have nowhere to ride it or store it (they live in the city). so he wants to use his tax refund to buy this really expensive "toy" but can't shell out more than $20 for a crappy xmas present for me. Oh, and he can't come up with about $500 (how much he says he needs) to go on a week long vacation at the beach with me (and my family) So what HE wants comes first and that does not work well in a partnership.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 No, I agree his son should come first. I've never asked for it to be any other way. I meant to say him and his son as in he seems to put himself first as well. Like I'm just some disinterested third party. For example he wants to buy his son this $4000 go-kart but he really wants it himself, so he's buying it for his son. His son has never asked for one (but I'm sure he'd like it) but unless they move in with me, they'd have nowhere to ride it or store it (they live in the city). so he wants to use his tax refund to buy this really expensive "toy" but can't shell out more than $20 for a crappy xmas present for me. Oh, and he can't come up with about $500 (how much he says he needs) to go on a week long vacation at the beach with me (and my family) So what HE wants comes first and that does not work well in a partnership. If he's so inconsiderate, I can't help but wonder why he's your fiance?
kashmir Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 No offense...but I really think he should put his son before you...every single time. After all it is his son... Yeah...hate to break it to you, but someone's child should always come first. That boy hasn't lived his childhood yet, though you have. It's his father's responsibility to put him above everything since he brought him into this world. There's no reason to feel threatened or excluded over this. If you ever have a child you will always put it over your boyfriend or husband. You keep saying how he's being selfish, but you're the one who's selfish. And as far as what he got himself...that's none of your business. First of all, most of those things seem like they're things he needs instead of things for pure pleasure. It's not like he went out and dropped 5k on an entertainment system for himself when that money shouldn't have been used for practical things like new tires or his kid. It sounds like you're annoyed that he doesn't spend as much as you want him to spend on you. Why don't you focus less on material possessions and more on him, his son, and your family?
Author lexi29 Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Yeah...hate to break it to you, but someone's child should always come first. That boy hasn't lived his childhood yet, though you have. It's his father's responsibility to put him above everything since he brought him into this world. There's no reason to feel threatened or excluded over this. If you ever have a child you will always put it over your boyfriend or husband. You keep saying how he's being selfish, but you're the one who's selfish. And as far as what he got himself...that's none of your business. First of all, most of those things seem like they're things he needs instead of things for pure pleasure. It's not like he went out and dropped 5k on an entertainment system for himself when that money shouldn't have been used for practical things like new tires or his kid. It sounds like you're annoyed that he doesn't spend as much as you want him to spend on you. Why don't you focus less on material possessions and more on him, his son, and your family? I'm really tired of people not reading what I wrote- I never said his son should not come before me. Of course he does- he's his child!!! I wouldn't be dating a guy who didn't care about their kid. Yes, what he buys for himself IS my business. We are about to move in together (maybe) and he wants to get married. Yes, tires he needed but he didnt' NEED an MP3 player and he bought that for himself instead of buying me a gift. Seems to be a theme in our relationship lately- that he puts himself and his wants before "us". I am not selfish in the least when it comes to this relationship. I do more for his son than his son's own mother does for him!! I focus on my fiance and his son a lot. I always do nice things for them and lately its just not being reciprocated at all and that is making me frustrated. And I appreciate your reply but if you read what I wrote- yes, basically he DOES plan to drop $4000 on a toy for himself and his son (a go kart) instead of buying things his family might need (such as FOOD) or he could actually use that money to buy a used car that would use less gas than his truck. There are a lot of things that money could be used for that are ten times more practical than a go kart. I'm upset because how does it look that he would have no problem dropping $4000 on a toy for himself and his son but won't spend more than $20 on an xmas present for me and he wants to marry me??? It's like I'm not important to him. (its not just about the money, its about where his priorities lie)
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