Losing My F'N Mind!

[californiadreaming]

Wow, so if ruining things last weekend wasn't enough, I almost did thee most retarded thing last night/today.

 

I have access to my ex's e-mail, It's an active e-mail in which she checks daily. It is filled with lots 99% spam from all the stores she shops at, and other mailing list. For some sick reason I know that I am not going to find anything( I honestly don't think there is another guy involved) but going in the account sort of makes me feel closer to her.

 

All this week since Sunday, I have been GREAT! had an interview Tuesday, woke up Monday accepting alot of the break up, and was good until I went into her e-mail yesterday and started snooping through old e-mails.

 

You may ask, why snoop? Well I know she has other e-mail addresses in which I do not know, She told me the name of them back in the day, but because they were business e-mails, and not personal, I never saved or wrote them down. Well while snooping yesterday, I found one of the e-mail names, and I was like " oh yeah that's it" , So I went into yahoo to try to guess her password, no luck. Got to the password recovery page, and instead of her hint being like your dogs name or moms maiden name it was a 10 letter or digit yahoo name, and I am like what the heck, another name? The yahoo name that I was trying to get into she made, around June or July, so that means this other name had to be made then or before then. I know she had been looking for other names, so idunno if she made a few or what.

 

But....

 

That lead me to a search that started from daylight at 3pm to 4am. I mean my mom called and was like honey you haven't come out since I been home you ok. I was on it hard. I first started looking for yahoo hacks, that eventually got me locked out of her account for 24hrs, because I guessed the wrong code too many times. That led me to a remote keylogger, and boy did I stay up all night trying to figure this out. Well now that I finally got it something is telling me to not do this. For one, I downloaded the wrong version 2x in a row, and now strike 3.. I know how to do it but the software is not showing on my desktop. I know its a little configurationing, and I can get it, but like everything in my life up until this point, I am looking at the 3 strikes like ugh maybe I should leave this one alone, because It can be harming me. For all I know she is bargaining, and almost in acceptance, and ready to call and talk to me within the next week or two, and that e-mail for my own selfish reasons can ruin it all.

 

idunno guys, having 24hrs, and no job to think about this all is insane. I feel stronger right now I do. I am not sad, and I haven't cried. But I am fighting with my conscience on what to do. Should I e-mail her and install a keylogger, get all of her passwords, see her every type? Or should I live in the fog, continue to look for work, pray that she comes back, and stay focused on reading the 5 languages of apology, and heal your heartbreak?

 

That's the problem. I guess as a dumpee, it is natural to assume millions of thoughts from a possible other, to whatever. The thing that bites is not knowing anything, and that is whats bothering me. I feel that if I install this I will have everything I need to know at my hands and I can then make a better decision on if I should be hopeful of her coming back, or not.

 

I am going nuts, help!

[IcemanJB]

Um, I'm going to be brutally honest with you, but it's for your own good. You sound like a stalker; snap out of it! Get a grip! NOTHING good will come out of what you find in her emails. I would highly suggest staying out of her personal stuff.

 

If my ex (hell, anyone!) were snooping through my emails, I would be PISSED. Not that I have anything to hide, but that's MY stuff. You need to back off before something bad happens.

 

You two are NOT together. That means you have no business knowing anything about her right now anyway, unless she is open about it.

[californiadreaming]

Um, I'm going to be brutally honest with you, but it's for your own good. You sound like a stalker; snap out of it! Get a grip! NOTHING good will come out of what you find in her emails. I would highly suggest staying out of her personal stuff.

 

If my ex (hell, anyone!) were snooping through my emails, I would be PISSED. Not that I have anything to hide, but that's MY stuff. You need to back off before something bad happens.

 

You two are NOT together. That means you have no business knowing anything about her right now anyway, unless she is open about it.

 

I know, and man, I have been strong for so many days, but, I am just so sad right now, I haven't cried until now, but my hearts so bad. I am so sad.

 

I will never be the same again, I know you people say that time will make things better, but I can;t see that. I don't think I will ever be the same. I had someone who was so good to me, and I ruined it. I can't think of being with someone else because I have built so much with this woman in 5 years.

I don't want to love another.

 

I sure did wait until the wrong time to figure all of this out, but, atleast I did. I go to bed and wake up everyday, and I pray, and hope she calls or comes, and nothing. It has been 18 days since we split, 21 days since I saw, and kissed her, 27 days since she came to my house and slept with me, 11 days since we spoke, I attempt contact Sunday, and last weekend but she was still rejecting.

 

I am just hurt. I am working on accepting it all, but even though I have accepted it all, this is still a roller coaster ride, one day I am good to go, focused, living life, reading books, hopeful,, and understanding, and the next day I am a wreck, like today.

 

Why? Why? Why? did I ruin something so good. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this with out breaking completely down.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Iceman is right on this one. You need to back off completely. There is no information that you could get that would be helpful to you. Even if it says she loves you with all her heart it doesn't mean that she wants to get back with you. If she says she hates you and never loved you then it's just going to cause deeper pain. Again, THERE IS NO INFORMATION YOU COULD GET THAT WILL BE HELPFUL TO YOU! If she wants to come back to you then she will. Let her make the first move. Anything that you do, other than move on, will just make things worse. By taking control of your life and turning everything into a positive there are only two possible outcomes. She comes back to the new and improved you and you get to be a better person because of this. Or she never comes back but you still get to be a better person because of it all. Chances are she is not coming back. Hoping and wishing will do nothing. You need to work on you. I know it has been said a lot here, but you have to love yourself first. Could you really love yourself if you want to resort to installing malicious (yes it is malicious and probably illegal) software?

[Dmoney28]

Cali...just calm down and breathe. This whole e-mail thing is a act of desperation. This is one of those "VERY BAD" things i told you about in your last post. I mentioned about making changes in your personality...positive changes. Changes that will stick and make your ex say "wow...i cant be believe you are the same guy". Part of these changes DO NOT include snooping through your ex's e-mail account.

 

1. it reaks of dishonesty and insecurity. What if she found out. Or was alerted by the yahoo login/password admins. You would have your hopes and progress during NC dashed to pieces in a matter of seconds...not worth it bro

2. Suppose you did get in her account? If you are this disraught over the breakup, what if you found some e-mails to/from a guy?..yo'd flip out, call her 15 times. for all you know the email could be from a friend, co-worker or friend of a friend( depending of the content of the e-mail of course). Even if she was e-mailing another dude....she has every right to. You as of right now, you are not her man anymore. She is single.

 

If she found out, you would look so insecure, needy, pathetic and any respect she had from you would thrown out the window....please, for your own sake STOP, CEASE and DESIST.

 

I know the thoughts of "who is she with"..."who is she talking to"..."who is she going out with"...are running through your mind. Its natrual. But you cannot let these idea run wild. If you do, they will turn into "real" life senarios in your head. Then those thoughts will start to governing your behaviour from now til the time she contacts you. If you guys talk...then all these feelings of insecurity and jealouslly will flow from your mouth like sewage. Destroying any progress you can or have made.

 

What i did to get through these thoughts is think about my ex's character. She was 100% loyal when we were together. She has never had sex with just anyone. She told me (although she fought tooth and nail to say it) if she descided to talk or persue another person she would let me know way in advance and we would stop talking. You know your ex better than anyone. So ask yourself..."would she sleep around so soon after our breakup with just anyone".

 

if you have any pics, items...anything associated with her...take them, box them up. Put in your closet or the garage. Get it out of sight. Right now you shouldnt be looking at anything that reminds you of her. DO NO look at her myspace page...do not look at her facebook. If you see pics of her with male "friends"...you will bug out. As time during NC passes by, the above mentioned will make her become a memory, not a person still in your life. Just keep reading, and learning about yourself. Keep striving for those personal changes. Time is your best friend in this situation. Its the only friend you have in this situation, lol. Patience....you have to be patient. This type of thing is deliacate and requires a great deal of time.

Just keep reading and looking for work. Work is THE most important thing anyway. Thats problly one of the changes that will be the biggest impact on her. I was laid off...so i know it sucks right now. Every time i talk to my ex she always ask "you found a job yet?..i know its hard but you have to stick with it.....have tried doing..etc..ec..etc.."....um yeah. I'm busting my @$$ like every other joe that got laid off or because job cutts. But anyway, i digress. Keep up the NC....stay away form her e-mail account.

Stay Strong

[IcemanJB]

Yes, it is very hard (read: impossible) to see how things could get better that soon after a breakup. I remember thinking that just a couple months ago when my ex and I split. But then something happened: things DID get better. One day I suddenly had my sense of humor back and was making people laugh again. It wasn't really even a conscious effort; it just sort of happened. A week later I started realizing my dream again, and am now pursueing it full-throttle.

 

There is nothing wrong with being sad/angry/depressed/confused. It's all part of grieving. But you need to STOP blaming yourself. You can't live in the past! Just take what you can from the relationship/breakup and apply it later. I know it totally and completely SUCKS for you right now. It's like life isn't worth living. Trust me, I've been there. I'm still very very sad about my ex and I splitting, but it would be a complete lie to say I haven't gotten better and life isn't worth living.

 

If you ever have an urge to go into her email or whatever again, just come in here and post and vent.

 

EDIT: as a reference, I'm on day 18 of NC.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

More than anything you should block all the social networking stuff. You do not need ways to check up on her. What she does with her life at this point is her own business. It is a difficult time. My ex broke up with me 2 days ago. I'm hurt and although it may not sound like it, it is my way of starting to heal. I know how you hurt. But dwelling on it will not help anything. Try doing what I have been working at. When you feel you want to know something about her read a few posts on here and try and find someone that you can help. There are plenty of threads and not all of them are sad or depressing. Why not help yourself by trying to help others?

[Dmoney28]

yep, i agree. I went from a total and complete wreck month one...to a semi functioning memeber of society. It has gotten way better. I dont cry at a drop of a hat. Those love songs that saturate the airwaves of malls and supermarkets dont sting anymore. Its still sucks. If you been in a relationship over 2 years...you're in for a emotional battle to get over it.

But by month 3 you will feel a hell of alot better. If she splits for good...nothing you can do. Just heal and improve yourself. When you are ready to date again...you will. If not, wait to you are really ready. I know you dont want to hear any of this, lol...i sure as hell didnt when it first happened to me. Hang in there

[IcemanJB]

Dmoney mentioned sad songs...that was something I struggled with. Not necessarily sad songs, but songs that remind(ed) me of her. I don't start crying immediately when "Float On" comes on the radio or my iTunes anymore. I guess this goes along with boxing up everything that reminds you of her; try not to sit around listening to sad music, or music that reminds you of her.

 

...hahaha as I'm typing this one of those songs just started on my iTunes...oh well!

[Geishawhelk]

I have access to my ex's e-mail, It's an active e-mail in which she checks daily. It is filled with lots 99% spam from all the stores she shops at, and other mailing list. For some sick reason I know that I am not going to find anything( I honestly don't think there is another guy involved) but going in the account sort of makes me feel closer to her.

 

 

This is illegal.

If discovered and reported, you could land yourself with a criminal record.

[Dmoney28]

those songs can just be so nostalgic. Just takes you tp some good memories...happy ones with her. Nothing wrong with that.

[Geishawhelk]

...And confessing on here, is really smart.

[californiadreaming]

...And confessing on here, is really smart.

 

I know right? What I meant to say was I thought of entering her e-mail account. The funny thing is I get bottled up with all of this, and then I come here, post, and then go inside and talk to my g-ma about it, and eventually come to my senses.

 

I knew that I was wrong for even thinking of it, and ultimately, I don't care what none of you say about her coming back, Something in my heart tells me she will come back - That is if I don't cross the boundaries though - So my thing is, right now I need to be in control of my actions. I need to stay focused. I know with the weekend coming things are going to be hard, but I will manage.

 

I spent 5 yrs with this woman, and whether it is a month, a year, or longer, I know that we will speak again, and it will be up to me to completely show her that I have changed. - I probably seem so bipolar with my emotions. I guess it's normal though, especially for a first timer.

 

One of the things that has been on my mind, and I haven't found any good literature on is what to do when you get that call or have that meeting. I have spent so much time reading on how to treat a woman, that when/if she comes back, it will be extremely noticeable that I am different. I don't want to over do it though. I don't want her to think that I am trying to hard, or that it is not genuine.

 

How do you handle this?

 

With all of this said, My car is in her name, She had to pay last month, I know that me making the payment this month will be a Huge factor in a potential opportunity to prove that I am being responsible and trying. Sheesh, I hope it even gets us to start talking again. I have the money and am looking forward to putting it in her account on the 26th.

[XuserX]

..... don't be a skiddie ( i.e script kiddie, someone that downloads a "hacking" program to use it when you have no idea what is does or whats in it) this is how people end up in jail for violating the computer fraud and abuse act.... plus these programs are most of the time packed with trojans and virus's so the person that made it can get into your computer... lol, don't try and be a hacker if you don't know what your doing. now if your really that desperate to read someones email..... i always work for cash lol. but in all honesty i think you should let it go and move on. nothing good will come out of reading her email.

 

 

fyi if you get arrested for violating the computer fraud and abuse act its on your record forever! i should know its on mine lol.

[IrishCarBomb]

I don't care what none of you say

 

How do you handle this?

 

There is no point in offering advice. You are only hearing what you want to hear.

[californiadreaming]

There is no point in offering advice. You are only hearing what you want to hear.

 

awww did your feelings get hurt, lol. settle down *dip* I made that comment referring to "people/outsiders" in general. Who say "oh she is not coming back"

none of you know me, her, or our situation.

 

I wouldn't come here if I didn't think any of you guys' information was helpful. To be quite honest, I took a post that DMONEY posted, printed it out, and it is on my wall with my daily affirmations, emotional guidance notes, and a few other helpful things that I read daily, s**t to be honest I have a copy of the same posting in my car, It has helped me alot. So don't put me out to be some jerk who doesn't appreciate what has been shared with me, because I do!

 

At the same time we all have different situations, and most important different feelings towards things. I decipher what I can from here, and attempt to keep steady strides. That is all I am doing, and as you can see I do need the advice, with out alot of what I have gotten I'd probbaly be sitting at her job, waiting trying to talk to her by now.

 

Thank you to all of you who have been patient, and I appreciate all of your support!

[GoneButNotForgotten]

You are over reacting to our comments. We are not saying she will never come back. What we are saying is that you can't live your life waiting for that moment to happen. You have to work on healing as if it isn't going to work out. If things are not fixed then it will just be delaying the inevitable.

 

Most of us do know how you feel though. I know that there is a large part of me that thinks my ex will realize how much I care and did for her. We were together for a similar amount of time. From her freshman year in college until now. I want to think that it is going to work out as well. But we cannot get hung up on that. The only way to work through it is to work your issues out. And then if the situation presents itself you can work from there. If not you end up being a better person because of what you went through.

 

The people here know what they are talking about. Most have been in that position, I am in an eerily similar situation. The point is you cannot force things. We really are trying to help. I know a lot of the advise is hard to take at the moment and waiting for her to realize how much she missed you sounds like a fantastic plan. But if you jump right back into things have any issues really been solved? Use this time.

 

Time does not stop or stand still. As much as we would like to rewind the clock and make a few changes, it's not going to happen. Nor should it. Changing the past is never the answer. It is all about shaping the future.

[IrishCarBomb]

none of you know me, her, or our situation.

 

Well, then I guess there's no point in offering advice. I don't know you, her, or your situation, so nothing I could say could apply... right?

[Dmoney28]

we are all here to support one another. So any way we can help each other is peace and love. Whether it be good or bad, sometimes its needs to be heard. When i first started to post here, i was thrown to the lions, lol. Alot of stuff i didnt want to hear. "cheaters never change", ...."she will always distrust you and it wont ever work out" So forth and so on. But these people were simply expressing thier opinon based on thier experience in life. Me personally...alot of it did sting. But in a way i needed to hear it. Because it brought me back down to earth. I didnt want to go through this ordeal with "high hopes...hot apple pie in the sky ..hopes. Because the odds are stacked aginst me in my situation...as far as her comming back. And it didnt make it better for me that we are in LC. Its something i just had to accpet. And it took MONTHS for me to finally realize nothing is guaranteed. BUT...everyones situation and life is diffrent. There is no universal template on human behaviour and reaction. What you say...how you act...and how you present yourself and how much you ACTUALLY changed will "tip the scales" towards a renewed frienship or possible reconciliation. The other person might see a heart felt genuine change for the better. In my case..my ex is constantly testing and guaging this "new me". Because she knows me. She knows what i did to her. She is curious if im still "that way". And everytime we speak, i say and do the "right" thing that end with positive dialogue and conversation......why? because everything from my heart is said with love and heart felt attitude change(you can only fake it for so long). Because for months, of personal and proffessional help i adjusted my thinking and heart for the positive.

 

Cali, i know it may seem like some people are comming off harsh. But they are just voicing there opinon. Just take with a grain of salt. If you can use thier words...cool. If not, disregard. You know your personal situation and circumstance...just have a balanced view of every possible outcome...be it good or bad. I know recently after a break up, there is alot of emotions running wild. And sometimes this might blind us to whats really happening in our lives. Just stay positive, keep making personal progress and excersise patience. I cant say if or when she will contact you. Usally a ex will contact you sooner or later. Especially after a 5 year LTR. Just be prepared.

 

And this is a warning...this course you choose is a long and painful one. Nothing is promised at the end. You will be running a race...with no clear finish line or end. She might come around...chances are she wont. Follow your heart...you will have to be 100% commited for even a sliver of a chance. Good luck

[Dmoney28]

check this out, might make you feel better....

 

 

As far as th first phone call. I used this method, and it worked for me....althuogh everyone is diffrent. I read that you have to let her lead the conversation. Feel her out. Follow her topic or points that are being brought up. And the most important thing ...LISTEN do not talk. Most guys like me made the mistake of running my mouth about how much i chnanged, bla blah blah......this is her time to express her feelings. Do not argue with her. This will get you no where...it will make things worse. The thing about human nature, is during arguments, people never want to be on the same side as the person whom they are upset with. Espeacially in a really heated angry argument. So put yourself on the same side of her own argument....because 9/10 times she is right...after your behaviour.

 

if she says ..."you where a selfish immature jerk during our relationship"...Agree with her...'"yes, i know. i only thought of my self....i wasnt being the man i should have been"....this does 2 things

1.you are respecting her feelings and understand they are valid and important

2.Puts a end to a argument that might escalate into a negative situation.

 

When the topic of why you cheated or whatever comes up....be honest, and explain yourself truthfully. Dont lie. If you lie, she will catch you on it later.

Just be respectful and use a very relaxed amd confident ( not cocky) tone of voice. DO NOT use this time to express the emotions you kept bottled up for months. This will come off as needy...and make it look like you have not accepted this break-up. This call is a oppurtunity for you to express your concern for her well being and feelings. Dont put you need for affection and reconciliation in the forefront. If you do...she will drop your call faster than heart beat.

 

I dont suggest trying to meet her if she contacts you. Do not try and ask her to hang out. If she wants to hang out, she'll let you know. Seeing her can make things more painful and complicated....

1. It will put false hope in your heart....making it 10x worse to move on

2. You might might mistake it for her trying to reconsile

 

but anyway...this is putting the horse before the cart. Just work on yourself right now. Deal with this kinda stuff if and when it comes up later.

[IcemanJB]

[quote=Dmoney28;1954840

 

I dont suggest trying to meet her if she contacts you. Do not try and ask her to hang out. If she wants to hang out, she'll let you know. Seeing her can make things more painful and complicated....

1. It will put false hope in your heart....making it 10x worse to move on

2. You might might mistake it for her trying to reconsile

 

but anyway...this is putting the horse before the cart. Just work on yourself right now. Deal with this kinda stuff if and when it comes up later.

 

First, nice Swingers reference!!!

 

Holy crap, Cali you need to listen to this advice. I thought I was over my ex, until she ran out to talk to me after I left a bar that she was at; and I agreed to talk for a bit. Big mistake, I should have kept walking. Of course the talking part was awesome, but just felt awful the next couple days...this was 3 weeks ago and I'm finally recovering.