stoneymirror Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Okay so my ex broke up with me almost 6 wks ago. The breakup was very contradictive, and she ended it saying she'd call me in 2 months. Very confusing, like she wanted to leave the door open just a crack. If anyone wants to read the backstory here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170757 I've gone NC this whole time. So I've met someone new and things are gettin to be serious. Should I call or txt my ex and let her know that if she ever wants to talk to me, now would be the time? Or would it be best to just continue my NC? The last thing I want, is to get a phone call from the ex a month from now, and I'm already invested in this new relationship. At that point I know I most likely won't be open to any sort of reconciliation with the ex. And I probably won't even pick up the phone. I don't want to hurt this new gf of mine, but at the same time I almost feel guilty that I haven't shown my ex any sort of indication that I'm even still interested in working things out. Yay or nay
Star Gazer Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 You shouldn't even have a new GF if you're still wanting to work things out with the ex.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 When NC was put in place, did your ex know that it was 'over' or were things left with the door open a crack? Maybe send her an email to tell her during the NC time you've realized that it's time to close the door and move on. Tell her to take care and have a good life. No need to tell her you've met someone else.
Author stoneymirror Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 She dumped me, and I'm suppose to wait around for her to decide to be with me. I don't think so. I'm no doormat boytoy. All I'm saying is that this breakup was really wishy washy. She asked me to not to contact her, so I haven't. But now I'm ready to really move on, and I never found out how my ex really felt. All I heard during the breakup was a bunch of stuff that was blown out of proportion and most of it seemed to be a result of anger and frustration. Now that she's had 6 weeks to think about things, I wonder if those frustrations and feelings of insecurity have passed and now she's wishing she hadn't ended things. I don't know, and that's just it, I have no idea what's going on with her. And to be honest I don't even know if we spoke that I'd go back to her. I loved this girl and spent almost every waking moment with her for 2 yrs. I wasn't the one who wanted to give up, but having been dumped out of the blue, it's really made me question her love and honesty with me. Those issues would have to be addressed and then I could really access if I want to be with her or not. At this moment in time, I don't want to be with the person she showed me the day she broke up with me. and that's been enough to not want to contact her at all. So I've come to a crossroad. I'm ready to move on completely from the ex, but at the same time I almost feel like I should give my ex one last chance to reconcile. Yeah I know she has my phone number, and could have called. But I know this ex of mine, and she isn't one to call me in these situations. She broke up with me last yr this same time, and she started hanging out with my best friends girls to get back with me. Even if she wanted to get back with me, I think she's probably too scared to admit it and call. Am I just being too nice here or what?
Author stoneymirror Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 When NC was put in place, did your ex know that it was 'over' or were things left with the door open a crack? Maybe send her an email to tell her during the NC time you've realized that it's time to close the door and move on. Tell her to take care and have a good life. No need to tell her you've met someone else. She broke up with me, so I have no idea if she knew things were OVER. I let her know then that I didn't want to breakup, and that's it. And I wasn't plannin on tellin her I met someone new. That would be downright mean in my opinion. All I would say is: "Now would be the time to talk if you wanted to talk. otherwise don't call me in a month or whenever. I won't be open to working on us at this point."
BCCA Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Ok, what I think youre doing is almost like giving her an ultimatum: we talk now or never. No one likes to be put on the spot like that, and truth be told, if she wanted to talk your phone would've rang by now. I think you shouldn't get too serious with someone else unless youre 100% positive that if your ex came back you would tell her no thanks. Otherwise, youre essentially using the new girl to hold you over and/or make your ex jealous. Thats not fair/nice, and will bring about a lot of bad karma. And what if you actually liked this new girl, and you take your ex back and she dumps you again? Do you think this girl is ever going to want anything to do with you after that? No. I wouldnt even bother saying a word to your ex. You have someone new, and you seem happy, so just go with that. Why even worry about what someone who dumped you thinks? She doesnt need to know your business, and if she calls in a month, you can let it go to voicemail. I'll be honest though, like most of us have realized, that "I want you back" call will probably never come. Enjoy the new, let the old go. No need to dwell on the past when the present is brighter.
Author stoneymirror Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Ok, what I think youre doing is almost like giving her an ultimatum: we talk now or never. No one likes to be put on the spot like that, and truth be told, if she wanted to talk your phone would've rang by now. I think you shouldn't get too serious with someone else unless youre 100% positive that if your ex came back you would tell her no thanks. Otherwise, youre essentially using the new girl to hold you over and/or make your ex jealous. Thats not fair/nice, and will bring about a lot of bad karma. And what if you actually liked this new girl, and you take your ex back and she dumps you again? Do you think this girl is ever going to want anything to do with you after that? No. I wouldnt even bother saying a word to your ex. You have someone new, and you seem happy, so just go with that. Why even worry about what someone who dumped you thinks? She doesnt need to know your business, and if she calls in a month, you can let it go to voicemail. I'll be honest though, like most of us have realized, that "I want you back" call will probably never come. Enjoy the new, let the old go. No need to dwell on the past when the present is brighter. Thanks BCCA. I am over my ex. And that's why I started dating this new girl. I don't have any intention to getting back with the ex really at this point cause she closed the door and asked me to walk away. And so I did. I left, told myself it was over, and started living my life again. And you're right, maybe she'll never call me. I'm okay with that. I just will never know what the hell happened between us, and that's frustrating in itself. The sad thing about all this is that my ex got overly insecure about a friend of mine that was a girl. She appeared to be hurt and basically ran to save herself. (I don't know this for sure, but it's what makes best sense to me based on previous circumstances) She very well may have ended things out of frustration and fear, and I didn't do anything after the breakup to keep reassuring her that I loved her. I just don't get it, it seems like some girls breakup to validate how secure and commited the realtionship really is. like a test. Others breakup cause they've found someone new. And others just breakup cause they don't see a future. Of all these choices I still have no clue why she ended things. She told me it was cause we were too different, but come on, it doesn't take someone 2 yrs to figure that out... I went NC to respect her space, but was that what she really wanted? It's these dumb questions I have to ask myself over and over again cause things were left so wishy washy. Oh well, I'm going out on the 4th date with my new girlie. I can't wait. And I wouldn't give this up to get back with the ex. I like this new girl way too much to hurt our chances. So why am I still writing all this? I don't know. I guess I just don't want to be that guy who basically was too hard, too prideful to contact her, and just walked away acting like I never cared. Cause that's not who I am.
BCCA Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 You'll never know why she dumped you, and really, it comes down to the basic point that she didnt want to put anymore effort into maintaining a relationship with you. Whether it was because she was scared or whatever doesnt matter. I know, we all want to act like if we knew the reasons we could better ourselves, but its honestly one persons opinion, and her reasons could make no sense to you...the probably wouldnt provide any closure, just more questions than answers. If youre happy with the new girl, enjoy your next date and never look back. If your ex told you she wanted her space and to keep your distance, than thats what she wanted. Dont fill in the blanks for her, youre not impartial and will make yourself crazy. Walking away has nothing to do with caring, its self preservation and respect. You want to keep your dignity, and you want to respect her wishes. It sounds silly, but if she wanted to talk to you, she would make an effort. I would be you wont hear from her again, and even if by slim chance you do, she'll most likely just want a friend.
Author stoneymirror Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 friend, ha, that's rich. Ain't gonna happen. My friends are dependable, and I can rely on them for support, truth, and honesty. I couldn't get that while I was dating her, how the hell could she give me that as a friend later on? No way
samspade Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 If you're getting serious with a new girl, why do you care about your ex? Let it be. There is no need to tell her anything - you don't owe her any explanations about how you moved on with your life. And I don't care what the back story is, if she wanted to be with you, she would not have broken up with you. It's that simple. Calling and telling her will make you look petty and manipulative.
Oscar51 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Why even bother telling her a damn thing. She dumped you. You owe her nothing. If you feel you tried everything to keep that relationship in tact then you should have no regrets. She bailed, she didn't want to put any more effort into making it work so why should you? If she wants you back it'll be obvious.
Just_dealin_with_it Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Yeah man, I say move on. Especially since she dumped you. If you like this new girl, then I say explore those possibilities. If your ex decided she wanted you back, especially after you've moved on with someone new, I say tough sh** for her. She made her decision, and now she's gonna have to live with that decision. If she regrets it, oh well, and if she doesn't... who cares. You've got someone new to get to know and enjoy good times with. You're in a awesome position right now. Move forward and move on.
Author stoneymirror Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Thanks guys for the help. Went out on another date last night, and I'm feeling on top of the world right now. Going out again with my new girl this Saturday. And today for some reason, I'm so over my ex. The only thing I still have trouble getting over is how I was played. and how she broke it off so cleanly. Guess I just have to forgive her for that and forget about it. Regardless I'm happy with this new girl and I wouldn't give this up to ever get back with the ex now. I can't tell you guys how awesome it feels to be with someone who's on the same level as I am. I hardly know this new girl, but just based on how she carries herself, and all the similarities we share with one another, it's like I've known her my whole life, and can instantly trust her. It's weird that I actually feel comfortable with my girl now, unlike before, when I was always questioning my ex's commitment and honesty. That's an awful way to go through a relationship, but trust is easily broken and hard to regain. My ex and I had too many things happen between us over the 2 yrs together that it was almost impossible to feel completely comfortable with her. I couldn't give her that last 10% of my heart cause I didn't trust her with it. Guess it was the right choice now looking back. Again thanks guys for all the help, much appreciated. I'll let you know how my date goes this Saturday, I can't wait. - stoney
openbook08 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 yay!! go stoneymirror you sound like youre having a great time with your new girl. found someone on the same page?? just like you advised me! im so happy you can prove yourself right. re: letting your ex know its time to talk, now or never. NO. youve done everything you can with dignity and integrity re: the end of your relationship. you can hold your head high. unfortunately she didnt offer you the same. you owe her nothing. what will be will be. maybe she needs time to grow up to figure out life for herself by herself. maybe youre meant to be together. maybe youre meant for this new girl. who knows? what matters is youre happy. and right now you sound happy so just roll with it!
4by4 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Well done stoneymirror! I'm in a similar situation, started seeing a new girl 2 weeks ago and we are having so much fun. Nothing serious but I feel like she is potentially someone I could date. To be honest, I think it wouldn't be the worst thing for my ex to find out. See I was dumped (at least to my belief) because she knew after 4 years I was NEVER going to leave her. So as time went by, she got bored and started to find my attraction overbearing. When she broke up with me, she even said she felt overly secure (WTF! I thught that's what relationships were for!). Anyway, be good to knock off my ex's confidence in herself and make her realize shes not some God. It's not so much that I want revenge or I'm trying to play games with her head, all I want is to correct her perception that I somehow loved her to death and was obsessed with her. I don't think I'll break NC just to tell her. It would come across as so immature. Facebook or Twitter or MSN can work just as well. Picture tells a thousand words if you know what I mean? Plus words travel fast, sometimes too fast. She'll know you are dating someone new before long, and the best part is you didn't even CARE to tell her. How do you reckon that'll make her feel?
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