Recent interaction with ex; Thoughts?

[VAmama]

Like most of you, I got dumped this summer by my BF of 2 years. I posted a lot about it over the summer, but have 'gotten a life' to to say and have been keeping busy and off the boards in an attempt to heal and move on. I check in often, and occassionally post still.

 

So, to cut to the chase: the ex and I have been in LC the whole time since our split. Mostly email or text. Some initated by me, some by him. Mainly just friendly stuff ever 2-3 weeks. Last contact was early Nov.

 

So, this month I needed to get an Xmas tree up in my house. I don't have a lot of males friends or family in the area to call on for assistance, so I emailed my ex last week to see if he'd be willing to help me out. I expected an email in response a day or two later, but instead I got a phone call from him a few hours after I sent the email. He sounded really happy to hear my voice, and we chatted it up for a bit. He agreed to come over in a week to help me out.

 

So, last night the ex came was over to help with my Xmas tree, and then he ended up staying about an hour to chat. The last time I saw him was about 2 months ago and while he was friendly, he was distant a bit. Last night was like a total 180; very, very friendly, caring, interested, etc. When he got to my place, I kind of let him lead the conversation and such. He started talking to me in my kitchen, then he suggested we sit down in my living room on the sofa after a bit, and we ended up talking there for another 45 minutes. The highlights (with which I need a guys perspectice on what it may mean):

 

1) He was talking to me about his friends and such like I am familiar with them (which I am). Last time he was over, it was more like "remember so-and so?" Um... yeah, ex. We only hung out the dudes like a hundred times... There was none of that this time. We were talking back and forth about people in our lives and such with familiarity.

 

2) He made references to things we did or talked about in the past. Nothing major, but like " we stayed at the same hotel as when you and I were last in town for the game" or " I remember you were talking to me about..." Some of it was a little flirty and such.

 

3) He was VERY touchy feeley with my legs. When we were sitting on the sofa talking, he grabbed my leg at one point and carressed it quickly when he told me "he cared about me" and then again, for much longer, when he was getting up to say goodbye... like a whole leg kind of thing, letting his hand linger on my leg, then running his hand down it as he was getting up, like he couldn't get enough of it. We briefly held hands when his hand was on my lef, and then had a long hug and kisses on the check goodbye. Again, nothing like before.

 

Also, when we were standing talking and looking at the tree, he made a point to stand behind me, very close to me, very much in my personal space, and it would have made me uncomfortable had it been anyone else but him.

 

4) Was very interested in ME... asking me lots of questions. I've had a lot going on in my life personally, and as I was telling about how I handled various things, I could see how proud he was of me (as well as him telling me so, and telling me how smart I was to handle things the way I did).

 

5) After all the superfical chit-chat was done, he looked at me and asked "So, really, how are you?" I didn't know how to respond, cause while I am happy right now, I miss him terribly. But I just told him I felt I was in a happy place. I regret this just a bit, cause I feel like this may have been my opportunity to open up the door a bit about us (esp given the next point). But anyways, I told him I was happy, and I asked him why? And he just looked at me and told me he was only asking because he cares about me......and that's the first time he touched me.

 

6) So... I asked the same of him. He, and this surprised me, said he was sad. I asked him why. He just said it was because of the economy and that he's been so busy, and the gloomy, cold weather.... Do you buy that? Here's a man with a type A personality, very driven, and whom has spent pretty much every other weekend out of town with family or friends for the past two months, and has a 10 day European vacation planned with his best childhood friend, and he's SAD????? I mean, not even excited in the least about his vacation, and said repeatedly that he's sad? How could that make anyone sad? And I have a hard time buying the whole "economy" thing is depressing him. I mean, we're all suffering a bit b/c of it, but I know he's certainly not struggling to survive or anything b/c of it. Maybe I'm being self-centered, but I have to wonder if he's not having regrets about me... given everything that was going on while we were talking, and that's what's driving the saddness, and he was just using the economy and weather and his hetic life as excuses. Thoughts?

 

7) We were talking just like we did when we were a couple.... it was just so effortless again. Like he was my best friend and nothing had changed. He seemed so happy to be talking to me.

 

) When we were on the sofa, we were just both kind of leaning our heads back on the sofa, looking directly at each other, and talking. Very intimate. And he kept giving me his "look" like where he's feeling very emotional and is about to say something that is difficult for him to speak about...

 

9) He kept staring at my hands, and at one point, made a comment about them. He has always loved my hands; has said repeatedly in the past they are the softest he's ever felt on a woman...

 

So, in the end, I don't know how to interpret all this, and given I'm not exactly unbiased on this, am looking for someone elses take. I think it's clear he still really feels, but.. he's got so much on his plate, it's not like anything could really happen. He and his friend leave next Friday for Europe, don't come back to new years day, and then his friend is staying with him for a week in town before going back home. And by then, he could have a whole new perspective on life.

 

I did comtemplate asking him to come to an event with my son and I this weekend, to lift his spirits. And then maybe raise the issue of us. But I question if that is wise. I need to think about it more., esp since the timing would be wierd, with it being around the holidays and him about to leave the country for two weeks not long after that. And what if he were to say he still can't be involved with me, as much as he cares for me. Do I want to deal with the possible fall out from that so near to the holidays?

 

I don't want to push him, and think it may be better just to continue to let him miss me and let it sink in more. I don't worry much about him finding anyone else, since he clearly hasn't in the 4 months since our split and clearly still thinks about me. I don't worry about him partying in Europe, since he and his buddy are so not the types (his buddy doesn't even drink to begin with, and my ex, hardly so).

 

I guess I just wonder if he's looking to me to open the conversation about us, since he would be the type to choose not to raise the issue no matter how badly he may want to, if he were to percieved I was happy and he thought I had moved on. He wouldn't want to do anything to cause me to hurt again, even if it meant sacrificing his own wants (and he would also think that this is the consequence of his breaking it off with me to begin with...) But I also realize that could just be me denying reality by trying to make excuses for why he doesn't reach out to me and ask to work things out.... Are there couples that the dumpee has to take the initative to get back together? Or does the dumper have to show some iniative? Some interest? It confuses me.

 

So, men. Given everything above, what's your take, from a male perspective? What does it mean when a male acts like that?

 

And you all say women are confusing! LOL!

[BCCA]

The big thing to watch out for is that you dont confuse him enjoying your company, and/or wanting to get laid, with him wanting you back. From what you've said here, it seems that he's happy to see you and genuinely has some feelings there, but what it means...only he knows.

 

I have been the dumpee and initiated a reconcilation, but I wouldnt recomend it. If you do, he'll always have the upper hand, almost like hes done you a favor by getting back together. And you want to make sure that this is 100% something HE wants to get involved in before letting your mind get too far ahead.

 

What does it mean when a male acts like that? One of two things, usually: he's into you or he wants to get some booty. I know, you're going to think that he wouldnt do that, or thats not like him, but understand - things are drastically different post relationship. People will do things you never thought they were capable of, and even if some of it is unknowing, they'll use you if you let them.

 

Here is what I would do: dont contact him again. He knows where you are, and if he wants to talk to you again, he will. Dont look at him going out of town as a bad thing, it could actually give him time to reflect on things a bit more, and the less you are around - the better.

 

A word of warning though, it could mean absolutely nothing beyond he felt guilty for hurting you or wanted some company. Not to be a pesimist, but you have to be careful.

[VAmama]

I don't disagree at all with any of the points you made BCCA. I really, honestly, don't believe he was looking for a hook-up or anything. He has always been a stand-up guy, very much a believer in conducting himself in all ways that are true to his character and show integrity. While I realize there are many instances where ex's change dramatically post break-up, I haven't seen any evidence of that in the 4 months since we've been apart. He's continued to show me nothing but respect in our few interactions since our break-up.

 

However, as much as he may still dig me, and think the world of me, I realize too he could be feeling guilty, like you said. He broke it off with me b/c he didn't feel he could give me and my son what we wanted (marriage and a family life) b/c of certain feelings he was having. He knows he hurt me and my son horribly, and it was difficult for him too. He never stopped caring; just realized that he wasn't being fair to me or himself either, based on his feelings.

 

I don't mind that he's going out of town, and do realize it could be an opportunity to have him miss me. I realize space is good. He always wanted me with him on vacations, social functions, and such, b/c he always felt he had more fun with me at these things than by himself. He's been traveling a lot lately, and I wonder if he's not feeling some of that now.

 

I just dunno. I guess I'm curious if I closed the door a bit by telling him I was happy. He knows he hurt me, and if he saw I was moving on and in a better place now, he wouldn't necessairly want to ruin that for me again- esp. since my prior unhappiness was due to his action (to break-up). I mean really, if you cared for someone but hurt them, would you then go and risk hurting them again for your own gain after they moved on? Not if you really cared, right? Even if it meant sacrificing your own wants...

 

I guess part of this is coming from his sad comments. In the two years I've known him, I have never heard him admit to be sad or down about anything. It struck me as very odd, very unlike him, and very strange for a dumper to admit to the dumpee. He's usually such a positive person, very, very energetic, and the fact that he has been with all his friends and family and traveling and such and doing all these things he's wanted to do, really, it was the very last thing I expected to hear from him. Nor is he happy in the least about his upcoming trip to Europe with his closest friend... we had a short text exchange last night where I wished him well on his travels, and he just responded "I hope so!' Really, you hope so? Who in their right mind wouldn't think they would have a good time on a three country tour of Europe over the holidays? So... suffice it to say it really confused me and I have to wonder what's behind all it. I don't buy that his sadness is just rooted in the economy and a bit of gloomy weather.

 

That's why I wonder if I should initiate some form of contact again in a few weeks, when he's back. But I agree BCCA; I feel like I'm at a point where we're on the same footing again in terms of the balance of power, and I don't want to tip that. And I don't have the first idea about how to even go the route of initiating that converstation without putting myself emotionally out there for rejection again...

[Eyeofthoth]

I won't be much help here, but I just have to say that this sounds exactly like what happened with me and my ex when I called and asked if he could come over and help me with an emergency 4 months post break-up.

 

He left me for a previous ex, and he made a point of telling me that he was still seeing her, yet he acted as though he still loved me, and honestly, I think he does. I would even say I know he does, even if he would not admit it himself.

 

Yet he is still with the other woman, and I think this all has to do with various life circumstances rather than who he loves more.

 

Still loving a person won't make someone want to get back together with them if the circumstances or the timing won't be right.

 

So consider what was wrong with the relationship. Why did he break up with you? What was not working for him? Has any of that changed?

 

Also I agree with the previous poster. Let him come to you now because only then will you be sure he is really invested in giving things another chance.

[Eyeofthoth]

My situation, fwiw, was a bit similar, in that I have kids, and my ex broke up with me because he didn't think he was up to moving things forward -- could not see himself ever living with my kids. He has kids but they are grown and out of the house, and that is the same with the previous ex he reconnected with.

 

So -- circumstances.

 

If he doesn't want kids and you want to get married and have more -- I would not hold my breath for him.

 

Funny thing is I did not really care if he ever moved in with us or not, but he was doing most of the driving back and forth and a lot of my time was taken up with the kids, so it was hard for him.

 

I don't blame him, really.

 

I can't see ever trying again with anybody though . . .

 

Hopefully you are more resilient.

 

He also asked me how I was doing in a very serious way when he came over -- I said I was doing okay because I was a strong person, but life was hard . . .

 

And now I am second-guessing myself because I wonder if it would have been better if I had come across as happier!

 

We always second-guess ourselves in these situations.

[confused_2008]

I'm way too inexperienced to offer any advice in this thread, but I just have to hijack briefly to ask why you're concerned about "tipping the power" in this situation. Is it because you're setting yourself up to be hurt?