G-girl Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I knew it was wrong when it started 18 months ago I began an affair with a married man. 5 months into it we were found out . His wife kicked him out, a week later she made him choose . He picked me iwas thrilled because I loved him deraly and still do. After about a month they became friends . He always said they were friends first and they kinda ended up together married it was good the first two years then they became roommates. I do believe that . They would get together for dinner once a month . I thought no biggie. Well he and I hit a rough patch plus with the holidays here his first without his wife in 10 years they were married for 7 years. He now he says hes confused he loves her. But he is in love with with me and wants to be with me. But has started to wonder if he and his wife could ever work things out. Now he and I are on a break he says he is soooo very confused he misses his old life the nice house , the pets , the rescept of his older family members ( they blame me for the marriage ending, he has always said if it had been good I wouldnt have been looking) . With me he lives with his parents ( hes back in school) trying to pay off all his debt before he graduates. With me he no longer has the material things. One thing that i have is I want children She does not . He very much wants children. But now he doesnt know he he wants me or her . Yes she would take him back. He says he is very confused and needs time and space. Which I am giving him. What do I do is there hope for us or was it doomed from the start . I love him and he says he loves me. we do speak everyday and text a couple times a day.
2sure Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Never a good idea to get involved with a married or even seperated man. Moral issues aside, its just a good rule of self preservation. These relationship triangles always end up with pain for ALL involved and most of the time the OW/OM gets hurt the most. Typically, most of the pain comes during the back and forth, regardless of the outcome. It sounds like your MM more than anything is missing his house and independence. Since he is back in school and living with his parents it sounds like the only way for him to have his adult independence is to move back in with his wife. Which, is a terrible thing to do the wife even if she wants him back. The best thing you can do - for yourself - and you wont - Extricate yourself. If and when he is officially DIVORCED (which without children is not a big deal) then and only then can you seriously believe he has anything to offer you.
Ronni_W Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 G-girl, My current relationship started very much like yours -- I was like an hour out of separating. I have no idea how my b/f coped. I can only tell you about what I received from him...what he gave me: First, he never made my situation about himself or my ex. (You are making it about you or her, instead of about your b/f.) He did understand that I had a lot of grief and healing to get through, and that I could only do that on my own, taking whatever space-time my psyche needed. He gave me the understanding, empathy, time and space. I was doing my best to reassure him but I also had 'backslides' when it came to holidays and other special dates. I wouldn't say that I felt "confused" so much as...bewildered, is perhaps a better description. Just stressed and exhausted and, "WTF am I doing, and where is my real life???" Not really that I ever seriously wanted to go back with my ex. But sometimes it was like, "What if I didn't try hard enough? Am I a failure cos my marriage ended? Should I try again?" These were my self-doubts and fears, obviously...they were NOT about my b/f. (Are not about you or his ex, if that makes sense?) During my first few years with my current, I did make a lot of goofy decisions -- but only "goofy" with hindsight. At the time, I was trying to do: what felt right for me + what I thought was good for my ex + what was supportive of my new relationship. In that order -- the new guy got the short end of the stick. If he wasn't prepared for that, then he should not have gotten involved with someone who was brand-new separated. If he hadn't read the 'text books' and/or lacked the foresight to expect that I would have issues and backslides, then that was on him, IMO. I don't know how he coped. What he gave me was limitless understanding, empathy, and all the time and space that I wanted and needed. Ten years later...we are too happy for words!!! Hang in there. It will be tough on you...remind yourself that you chose it. And remember that you can be a really positive support and influence; an oasis of calm and peace. All you gotta do is play your cards as well as my b/f played the hand that he was dealt. You CAN have this, but only if you're willing to ride these initial rough waves without making his stuff about you . Enjoy and appreciate what he has the energy and capacity to give you right now...maybe that's how my b/f coped? -- by enjoying and appreciating the positives I was able to give him (even though they were, really, just crumbs...maybe he just recognized and accepted that it was the best I had to give at that time, and he was okay waiting for me to finish my grieving and healing.) EDIT: Yes, there was a possibility that my b/f would have turned (and you will turn) out to be the 'rebound'. That is the biggest risk of it; of getting involved with the brand-new separated.
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