LouiseC Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 My b/f and I (ex b/f I guess I should say now) met each other on some discussion forums similar to this one and we started chatting on MSN, eventually we met. Eventually he moved in with me and my parents (I lived about 8hrs by car away from where he did). This was just over 3 and a half years ago. It was great for the first couple of years. We were best friends as well as lovers and partners. We were inseperable. Things started going imperceptably wrong about 16 months ago when we started planning our wedding. To be honest I didn't really notice things going wrong, and I don't think he did either - but with hindsight you see things much clearer. I wanted a big wedding, and he said he was happy with what I wanted. I was a bit obsessed with it as girls can be. Anyway it must have been about 3 months ago when I noticed that a lot of the laughter had stopped, that we weren't as close as we once were. But we didn't talk. I was so stressed about finding the money to pay for this big wedding that I thought I needed. So 3 weeks ago, he takes me outside and tells me that his feelings have changed, he loves me but not the way he should. This was 2 days after my day had a stroke, so it was incredibly ****ty timing and a bit selfish - but he told me didn't see any other way and that his head was going to explode with it. My heart was completely broken. He said there was no one else and I believed it. But I just couldn't get around the fact that he hadn't talked to me. I cried of course, and he did a little. So he went to his friends to stay the night. As I was emailing people cancelling the wedding, that very night I got a text message saying he had made a big mistake and he wanted to make things work. we met the next day and talked. I agreed to take him back. How could I not? I love him. I did tell him though that we both had to make changes, spend more quality time together, and we needed to talk. But nothing was the same, I felt so distanced from him. I mean the first couple of days were great, especially when we had sex which was amazing. But after those 2 days I was so insecure. I asked about Xmas shopping, and going on a date, but he was not exactly enthusiastic. Initially I wasn't going to say anything until after Christmas was out of the way but I couldn't stand it anymore. So I made him talk to me. He said he didn't want to upset me but he wanted to be friends. Just friends. Eventually I said yes, but requested that we not tell anyone til after new year. So that's how we are at the moment, living together as friends, platonically sharing a bed. And me thinking every second how much my heart is broken, and how much I want him to want to try. The past 2 nights he's been out late - the first time out for a drink with friends, the second to fix someone's computer. What's killing me is the thought that it could be someone else. i'm going to ask - but can I when I've agreed to "just friends"? I'd rather have him as a friend that nothing at all, but the whole situation is tearing me apart. What to do? Can I get him back do you think? How?
EmperorR Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 The thing is at this point you can't be friends with him. You still have a romantic emotional attachment to him, while he does not. What's worse he's gettig his cake and eating it to, considers you just as a friend yet you two are still sleeping in the same bed. How can he miss you if your Already there as a friend. Is there anywhere else you can stay?
Sari Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 LouiseC I am very sorry to hear of the hard time you are having. Your situation sounds similar to mine, 3 years in my ex freaked out, then came running back for a couple of months, then left again. I have decided to go no contact (nc), as if nothing else he will not miss me if I am around, and if I disappear he may get a short sharp shock at what his life is without me, and come back to me. If that doesn't work, at least I will have dignity and will not have the pain of seeing him. I moved out instantly, I think you should do the same. Some men are very odd and they just cannot settle, and give in to the odd thoughts running through their brains about being 'free'. I'm sure it's the same with some girls too but seems more pronounced in men, they hit the 3 year mark and just flee.
fishtaco Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 What's worse he's gettig his cake and eating it to, considers you just as a friend yet you two are still sleeping in the same bed. How can he miss you if your Already there as a friend. Why is that getting his cake and eating it? OP said they are platonically sharing a bed. To me sounds like the guy felt really bad, so he tried to go back and make it work, because he still cares for the OP. He's gone emotionally, but he doesn't wanted to be gone, maybe he could rekindle the flame. So they had 2 day excellent make-up sex and everything. But after that he realized he couldn't do it. He's really just gone. She noticed, made him talk and they became platonic. I don't see any cake having/eating. It was conflict between his lost love and his caring for the OP. His heart won't do what his mind wants to. LouiseC - I'm very sorry this happened. But kudos to you for initiating the talk. Sometimes people just... change. At least this happened before the wedding instead of after. My view is that there are ALWAY more people out there. So I'm generally against trying get someone back. You want to catch the problem and address it before it gets out of hand to preserve the relationship. But once it's already out of hand, just let it go, and find someone else. The best thing you can do I think is NC. It'll help you move on. It'll hurt, a lot, but short pain is better than long pain.
Author LouiseC Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Thanks for the replies. The problem is we're with my parents atm, we were going to get the wedding out the way then find somewhere for ourselves. So I can't just move out, or believe me I would - but it's getting to the point where I really want him to go as it breaks my heart everytime I just want to touch him and know I can't. I'm going to talk to him over the weekend and tell him as soon as Christmas is over with, he has to find somewhere else. What I can't really get my head around is that he didn't give us a chance to work things out. He didn't talk to me, he just tried to fix things on his own... and that just doesn't make sense. We said after that we'd make all these changes but they never happened - not because I didn't try, but because of his lack of enthusiasm. In my heart I know that we can be together again, as we are perfect for each other (that sounds so cheesy, but it's true). But you're right - he can't miss me if I'm always there. Thanks again, Louise x
Author LouiseC Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 Feel like such an idiot. He's gone out the past 3 nights, and is going to town today with a "friend" - he says he's not seeing her like that, but when I asked if he wanted to, he said "I don't know, you never know what's going to happen" which I personally think he clearly does! And now I'm left feeling stupid and hurt. As I told him today all I asked was for a couple of weeks of normalcy and yet this for him is not normal. He said he's gonna make things more normal. But now I really can't wait until after the holidays so he can find somewhere to live, and I can start the process of getting over him.
Sari Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 He's just doing rebound crap I think. He's probably hurting too at the end of your relationship, and is trying to ease the pain however he can. Rebounds never work out. I think you really need to move out and cease contact with him. It's the only way to get yourself back on track and to make him realise what he has lost.
Sari Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I know it's really hard though, I am having a very hard time this morning. Saturday mornings are hell, remembering the cuddles and chats we used to have. I was this close to ringing him this morning, but to do so would undo all the hard work I have put into looking like I am moving on. Sigh. I just want him back so much, I know we could make it work.
Author LouiseC Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 Thanks Sari. Aren't men gits? But we love 'em anyway. I read through your posts, and your situation is similar to mine - I really hope that we eventually both get what we want.
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