aotc Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I've come to realize that I'm just an unattractive looking dude. I've been recording videos of me playing guitar recently, and every time I go back and see myself I cringe at my weird face the some of the facial expressions I make. When I go out to parties or even just out in the day, I'm usually smiling. At parties I'm always laughing and having fun with people I know, but no girl looks at me, so when I see a girl that I like I'll just go for her but she'll always shoot me down instantly. I can't think of any other reason why a girl would do that besides looks. She has no idea what I'm like personally, and from what she might see of me I'm just like any other guy having a good time. There's no other reason besides she just doesn't like the way I look. It's either that or my deep voice...something physical though. I'm getting kind of frustrated. What can I do to get around this? Is there anything besides just waiting for girls to grow and become less shallow and picky about guys looks?
Geishawhelk Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Well, without knowing what you look like..... Tom Selleck doesn't think he's good looking either.
Perry Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Yeah, can't really tell ya much without seeing a picture of you. Maybe it is just in your head??? How many women have you actually asked out? But there are a lot of plain-looking guys out there with cute girls. All you have to do is look around when you are out in public. That is proof enough. They did it, so can you.
Author aotc Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 lol I don't feel good about posting a picture, but I'll say that I have a big nose...really big. I get comments from family that I look like Pete Townshend. I dont know...like he's totally awesome, but saying I look like him isn't much of a compliment... I'm tall and pretty filled out, but I just have a weird face. I'm a junior in college btw, and I don't remember how many girls Ive tried talking to. I haven't asked many out...never got far enough. Like, I can't just go up to a girl and ask for her number...she needs to stick around for a few minutes first, but almost all don't stick around for more than 30 seconds.
kizik Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I have recently been responding to a rash of these vain threads. I want to drill it into peoples' heads: it does not matter what you look like. What matters is how you treat people. That includes YOURSELF. You are treating yourself like sh*t by being so self-critical. Relax. You play guitar? That's killer. Focus on that. You can't change how you look. OK? You cannot. You will look like that your entire life. What you CAN change is your negative attitude. You can start accepting the mirror's reflection. A lot of women out there will respond more to your personality than your looks. If you are constantly walking around worried, b/c you think you're ugly, that will make you quiet and shy and insecure. The sooner you accept the way you look, and embrace the many facets of your personality - the sooner you can begin to lead a happy life.
Isolde Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 A woman needs to be 1.5 times as good looking as a man to get the same amount of attention. Even if you aren't good looking (I doubt a big nose alone could make you ugly), you're a guy, and tall. This is a lot to work with.
shylight200 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 The sooner you accept the way you look, and embrace the many facets of your personality - the sooner you can begin to lead a happy life. That is so true. But unfortunately, it's easier said than done. Once I learned to stop caring so much about everything that I didn't have and focused on what I did have, I was just so much happier with life.
Author aotc Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 kizik, I couldn't agree with you more, but I would only come on here and ask this when I was completely stumped over what's going on. I'm not that vain...I realize that my face isn't who I am inside. I've known that for as long as I can remember, but it certainly seems like others judge me for what's on the outside. I know my word is all you have here, and that I could be perceiving the truth wrong, but I treat people well and I like most of who i am. yeah, I play guitar and it's very important to me. I play in a band and write most of our songs. that's what I love doing and I love that I have the ability to do that. when we're playing a show and I'm on stage, the only thing on my mind is my guitar. I dont have a weird face then. when the show ends, that confidence lingers and I feel like I can talk to any girl I want. I try it, and BAM, I'm ignored or shot down one after another. A few times there would be a girl who would instantly shoot me down and 10 minutes later she'll be all over my attractive bandmate. obviously after a while that confidence fades, and I DO worry, but I don't worry when I start off.
zhsoj Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Perhaps post yer pic on funnlove.com? Just remember it's easy to be vain when anonymous.
sunshinegirl Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 You're assuming it's your looks but there's some chance it could be in the way you approach girls, what you say, what your body language conveys, etc.
Star Gazer Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 There are tons of unattractive out there in very happy, lustful relationships. Really, it comes down to your personality, charisma, and how you treat people. Without knowing how you present yourself, it's nearly impossible to tell you what the problem is.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Don't they have cosmetic surgery for men now? Aotc, I'm not advising to go to extreme measures, but you can't let your " unattractiveness" bring you down. Did anybody say you weren't attractive? Or is it just yourself? We are our own worst critics.
zhsoj Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Personally I prefer the "I'm just plain ugly" explanation... I'm sick of the Stuart Smalley approach. I know I'm ugly as well. It's a simple direct explanation. Occam would likely agree. I think that anything else is really just that ivory tower type of thinking that wants to try to dismiss the simple fact that everyone is vain. Oh and really I have seen little evidence that people become less vain with age... They just become better at compartmentalizing and hiding it. Maybe not what you wanted to hear... That's life.
carhill Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 OP, take a good look at guitarist Keith Richard.....if you dare. Whoa Betcha he's gotten laid his whole life. It's not about your face. It's about the image you project from inside you. Hope you figure that out....
D-Jam Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 aotc, I first want to say that I agree with kizik that personality does go a very long way with many women. Seen ugly guys with loads of charm snag hot women. It can happen. You need to realize that there are some women out there who are very hardcore about looks. They want a flawless male with a perfect body and such. You need to ignore those women and not think they represent all women. Lord knows the ones I've known who were that hardcore on looks are chronically single. Shows you how much their logic defies them. NOW...one thing you can do to help improve things is simply to look at your sense of style. So you don't have Jude Law's or Tom Cruise's face...big deal. How do you appear and carry yourself? How's your hygene? I've seen so many men and women complain that everyone sees them as ugly, but they can't take a moment to look in the mirror and wonder if they're putting their best face forward. Do you dress nice when you go out? Or do you dress very "average" or even like a slob? I've gone to events where guys show up in $6 haircuts, polo shirts, and baggy jeans or khaki's...and then wonder why the guy in the fitted boot cut jeans and designer shirt with his $50 haircut is getting the girls. They usually pull the "women want a bad boy" excuse, but they fail to realize they look like an average nobody when they COULD look like that ladies man. Dress yourself in ways that do not change who you are, but does put your best face forward. Look at some magazines, TV, look at things that might turn you on. Pick out clothes you would wear and be happy wearing, but also think of the men the women are all checking out...and what style elements they have that you feel you would like. You can think you have an ugly face, but if you're keeping your body healthy and dressing to impress...then you would be surprised not only how much it'll boost your confidence, but also make women see you as desirable.
Author aotc Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I made this thread months ago but I abandoned it. Now I've come back to this site so I figured I'd reply. I've always been a bit self-conscious about the way I look. Like I said, though, sometimes I don't give a rat's ass about how I look when I'm feeling good. No one has ever told me I'm attractive, not even my mom, lol. Seriously though, my parents have always been pretty blunt and tough (I like that though). When I asked once, my mom told me, "You look like any other joe out there, no more no less. Your face isn't gonna do much for ya, but hell, some girls will realize what a cool guy you are and they'll fight over you." I see plenty of average looking guys with girls, hot girls too. My experiences have really made me doubt, though. I mentioned before about the band. Since I posted this, we must have played over 20 gigs/parties. Maybe not so much with gigs, but if you're a good band at a college party, you're the ****, and we're pretty damn good if I do say so myself. Now, I don't do music for the girls. Hell if I had to choose between giving up my balls and giving up music forever, I'd be a eunuch. But if helps me get girls, why not? It doesn't, though. It helps all my bandmates, but not me. The lead singer is loyal to his gf, but our bassist and drummer are single and big players. After a show the girls from the party will go straight to them and none will go to me. This obviously gets to me a bit. They kinda try to throw some my way (I usually have to suggest it to them though), but the girls never bite. This leads me to believe that I'm just unattractive, or at least I'm outshined by the other guys. From a girl's perspective I'm probably the last one they'd want in the band. The other three guys are pretty good looking after all. Sorry, it just gets a bit disheartening, ya know? I love playing with these guys and they really respect me for my writing and musicianship, but I just wish this would help me out with girls a bit more. carhill...good example. But hell man, I'm in another world when I'm playing. I get the energy from the crowd and just rip on it. That's a pretty sweet image to project, don't you think? d-jam...the way I dress is fine. Jeans...sometimes they're ripped jeans and a t-shirt or regular long-sleeve shirt. The thing about style is the more you invest in it, the more of a tool you become. Style at this age is the tight abercrombie shirt and designer jeans. I have good hygeine, shower every day, use deodarant, the whole works. Of course I get sweaty when I'm playing, but that's a given. I have longer hair than 98% of guys I see around, and every now and then I like to grow some facial hair.
BobSacamento Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 You lack confidence. Chicks can smell that from a mile away.
alphamale Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 You lack confidence. Chicks can smell that from a mile away. confidence is only part of the equation...
Author aotc Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 You lack confidence. Chicks can smell that from a mile away. No **** I do...sometimes. I've said it twice before, though. I'm confident as hell when I'm on stage playing guitar. I don't give a crap what anybody thinks. I don't give a crap if I'm the ugliest guy in the world. Take any guy with "confidence" and make him perform in front of a ton of people and he'd probably wet himself. That confidence carries over for a while, but it gradually gets picked away at as I get let down, time after time. After an hour or so of seeing no success, I stop for the night. Then we do another show in a day or a week and my confidence boosts up again, and the cycle repeats.
JeezLouise Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 You brought back lots of warm fuzzies for me. My college BF had a big nose, and I still miss him. I thought his nose was so incredibly cute, and he hated that its size - and it made him the man that he was to me. Gosh he was a sweet thing - and a dynamite kisser! OK - how long is your hair? Longer than 98% of the male population? That's too long. And a lot of men tend to not take care of their hair when it gets that long - it gets straggly and thin at the ends, with split ends. You need frequent trims - and although I can't say because I don't know what you look like - you probably need to get a lot of it whacked off. Personally, I don't like to think that any man would take longer than me in the bathroom doing hair. The bathroom is my domain, and if he has to blowdry and gel, then there is no room for ME! And if you say "Oh but I don't blow dry or use hair products as I just wash it and let it dry", then your hair will look as unkempt as any girl's would who just washes it and lets it dry. Long hair needs care and attention to look good. How about find a Sports Clips or somewhere that works with a lot of guys, and go in and cut a good 5" off, and let them talk to you about hair care? It is just hair, and if you hate it shorter, then it will grow. But summer is coming, it will be cooler, and you will look way more in style. (And i get your grandma would appreciate it, too.) Ever see Legolas in LOTR? Now that is a man who knew how to have good long hair! Even Aragorn looked fantastic, even though he desperately needed the use of a nail brush - but their hair was either shiningly clean and smooth, or it was thick and mussed just right with the correct hair product. Anyway - I think you need a hair change. Easy, cheap and fixable.
peteyj Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 If the other members of your band have girls coming up to them after a show and nobody even wants to talk to you, then the reality is girls around that age probably find your friends more attractive than you. It's funny when people try to throw out all this other advice and can't accept the truth. Yeah plenty of people wind up dating people out of their league in the looks department, male and female, but if it's you and 4 or 5 others competing at the same time, you might have a hard time. Nobody is going to fall for your personality if they don't talk to you. But maybe it's more than just your looks. Maybe as others stated you need some kind of make over. I mean maybe you are wearing clothes that don't match your style or maybe it's out of date or who knows what. Or maybe you look angry because of this and look like you want to bite somebodies head off all the time. The hottest girls might run to your friends but if you're in a band playing gigs and are somewhat good, you should at least have some girls coming up to talk to you. If none are, maybe you aren't smiling enough or putting out a 'hey come talk to me' kind of attitude.
Star Gazer Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 John Mayer isn't the next Brad Pitt, and he makes BIZARRE faces when playing and singing.... ....And he gets ALL the ladies. No fear.
Isolde Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 While John Mayer's persona isn't my cup of tea at all, I find him far more attractive than Pitt. Just goes to show that attractiveness is so subjective.
Author aotc Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I'd say John Mayer is a pretty good looking guy, far better looking than I am. He's a pussy though. =p Jeezlousie - I like my long hair. I like it because it makes me different. I would look like any other guy with short hair. I don't care if it's not in style. And I don't gel or anything like that...just shampoo and conditioner. If you're not into that type of hair, then that's your thing, but I'm not going to spend lots of money and time to make my head *pretty*. Look at Frank Zappa (since he had a big nose like mine). He looks a lot better with long hair than a short cut. My hair is not going to change anything anyway. One physical thing like that isn't going to magically make a difference. I don't see how people expect a guy to be so into his clothing and his style. First of all, I don't have that kind of money to spare, but even if I did, I would have better things to spend it on. Secondly, it just seems to metrosexual and superficial for a guy to give a damn about how his hair looks or the style of his clothes. Am I wrong here?
JeezLouise Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Well, I think that you could be wrong to say that it is metrosexual for a guy to care about how his hair looks. When you are across the room from a girl and can't really see her facial details like eye color, what is the first thing you notice? Her hair. "The hair is the richest ornament of womnn" So long hair is very noticeable. So it needs to be thick, full without being bushy, healthy, shiny and well-kept. Look at Keith Urban - great hair. David Beckham. I know that you like your hair, and that you think it makes a statement - you are cool, hip, and too male to be bothered with female things like hair styling. But girls notice things like that. It doesn't take money, unless you count going for a hair cut every 2 months expensive. You say it is longer than 98% of other men's hair. That is pretty long. Are you talking shoulder length? Mid-back? If it's mid-back, why not TRY cutting it off shoulder-length. (I would vote for Keith Urban's style - that dude looks GOOD!)
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