In a pickle - husband cheated while engaged

[llama]

Hi everyone, I'm on here because I'm feeling a little lost and not sure how to progress.

 

Briefly, my husband and I met last May and just had our wedding in November. However, one week after we came back from our honeymoon, I discovered that he cheated on me in January, while we were engaged and long distance. This was a bit of a bombshell, especially just after our wedding.

 

We met last May in Morocco while I was on holiday. We really hit it off and I went back to visit in June, and then returned in August to live together for 3 months. Before I returned to the UK in November last year we were engaged, this was very much initiated by him. I was reluctant to agree so soon, but we did love each other a lot and want to be together properly (he needs a visa for the UK), not continue having a long distance relationship.

 

I visited him again for 1 week in January this year, and again in April, and in July I went again for us to sort out our marriage papers in Morocco so we were legally married there and we applied for his visa to the UK, which he received in August. Neither of us are that keen on living in the UK, it was just a logical step for us to be together and I know he loves Morocco. We set the wedding date for November this year.

 

We had our wedding in Morocco, my family and some friends came and it was amazing. I had such a great time, he had organised everything, including lovely surprises for me. At the time he took care of everyone and my family and friends, everyone loved him, especially me.

 

I found out he cheated a few weeks ago because he was snooping around my facebook messages (i had nothing to hide) and it annoyed me as i think it's very rude and nosey.

 

As revenge, when he popped out for a cigarette I hopped onto his hotmail and happened to find some emails to a couple of girls. I forwarded one to myself before he came back and confronted him straight away. He insisted it was a hacker on his account who had sent them. I challenged him that it was exactly his style of writing (we were having a long distance relationship, I know his very poor english emails too well!) and he said that someone must have copied his style. He pointed out another email which he 'hadn't sent' it was photos of him to a girl, and again the writing sounded like him.

 

Anyway, he deleted everything and told me to forget it. Luckily I had forwarded an email to myself... OK maybe you don't need all the details on this. But I emailed both girls and one of them said nothing happened, the other said she had slept with him!! I was so shocked, I was just suspicious he'd sent emails and denied it, not that he slept with someone!

 

I confronted him, he swore blind he didn't send any emails and he didn't sleep with the girl. I eventually got some evidence from her as emails and details and he still denied denied denied even when everything was in front of him. After a lot of screaming and arguing, I got a reluctant admission that he had slept with her and that it was a drunken mistake, although the emails tell me otherwise, he wouldn't stay in touch with a mistake he regretted.

 

After I lot of hard work I got him to admit to the facts of what happened. She kindly told me the whole truth and he tried to lie about everything. He was working in a tourist spot and met a girl and her friend and got friendly with them. She was only there for a week, they slept together for 2 nights (and did it 3 times) and he kept in touch with her by email afterwards. He denies they were in touch by phone, but I found her number on his phone.

 

He has said he's sorry and he regrets everything that happened, but I've come to realise that he doesn't really have a proper reason for cheating on me, the opportunity was there and he took it. I guess this is something I'll have to accept if I want us to advance. The long distance might have been a factor.

 

I love him very very much and I know he loves me too, he has given up a lot for me and I have done so too. There is a lot of love between us but now the situation is not the same. We have a lot to get through but we have made a lot of progress.

 

I'm just feeling a little lost. We both want to try and make this work, especially given we just got married, but I feel a bit resentful sometimes that I've got the harder end of the deal. I feel so betrayed and hurt that he could do this to me... but we both want to move on. I don't feel ready to forgive him but I'd like to get there.

 

Does anyone know if there is a tendancy for people to cheat while they're engaged? For me I always thought that would mean you shouldn't get married!!

 

Do some people get through this and go on to have happy marriages? Or if he's capable of cheating while we're engaged, does that mean he'll do it again?

 

I look forward to hearing some thoughts on this matter... thanks

[jj2007]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. (hugs)

But, I am also afraid to tell you that if he has already cheated before you two even got married and just because he had the opportunity, there is a really good chance he will do it again.

I wish you luck because you have a long, hard road ahead of you.

[Reggie]

Sorry you are going through this. It is tremendously painful.

You are healthy if you are angy and hurt. you mentioned he did not have a "proper" reason to cheat. There is no such thing, IMO.

As for your future, I think it is well advised that you seek marital counseling and individual counseling. You will, most likely, need it to deal with this trauma. And, he clearly needs it to see what it is that is so broken within him that he could do this.

This is specualtive, but, now you know he has the capability to cheat and a tremendous capacity for lying. As you rightly point out, the fact that he has amintained contact and the ability to contact this woman does not bode well. He is keeping her for later use, should the opportunity arise.

 

One thing you have going is that you do not have kids , yet. And, you have not invested too much time in this man. I'mnot saying that makes this any less painful. But, if you can think practically, and get past the pain for a while, you can realize that it was probably a big mistake to marry someone like your H.

It was not a mistake where you had knowledge and ignored it. So, I am not at all chastising you. But, he is damaged goods and will likely repeat this unless he does a ton of work on himself with therapy.

You can be the most forgiving person in the world and still have trouble living with this. It is not a question of forgiving, as you may have that capability. but of ever feeling secure again.

Most relationships do not survive infidelity, contrary to some of the propoganda we see from the infidelity healing sites. The average or even above average person in terms of forgiveness, etc. just cannot get past this.

Right now, pre-kids and time investment, you have an opportuntiy to really cut your losses, if you decide to go the divorce route. Get help and advice to see if you are one of the exceptioanl people that can get past this and live a happy life with this guy.

Sorry, again, that you are facing this.

[llama]

I was hoping I would discover some underlying reason for it. He started off by saying that he had loads of problems and was really upset at the time but I didn't believe that - i had visited a week earlier and he seemed happy, and we seemed happy as a couple at that time.

 

On constant nagging he came out with he was upset because I'd had a vaginal infection (sorry for details) and often it smelled really bad and that often put him off having sex with me - but we still had plenty!! He said that the first time wasn't planned and he was excited by the prospect of sleeping with someone who didn't smell down there!!

 

This might have been an issue for him, but it's certainly no excuse for cheating! It also tells me that he DIDN'T have loads of problems at the time as he previously said.

 

He had been drinking, but I know he was still in control and that he also spent a second night with her.

 

He maintains that now we are married, things are different, he could never hurt me like that etc etc although that might be how he feels now - I'm sure he never thought he'd cheat on me before either.

 

He said that he did intend to tell me, and I believe this as there was a time he wanted to tell me something very serious but then bottled out. He said he didn't have the heart and hadn't found the right time to tell me something that would hurt so much. I asked why didn't just admit everything when I confronted him, he said it's because he was caught out on the spot and it was just after the wedding, the timing wasn't right.

 

He is not generally a liar and is otherwise a very good person, I just wish with all my heart he hadn't done something so stupid and selfish. Why was he the one who pushed for us to get married and then he cheated a couple of months after we got engaged??

[Reggie]

Oh, okay, he is using the vaginal infection/smell exception to the engagement rules. I had no idea that was in play. Under section 176.122 of the code, he is allowed two(2) sexual encounters with others per week while the infection persists.Under certain circumstances, like if it falls on his birthday or it is a leap year, this can be expanded to 3 encounters every third week of the month.

 

Pleeeeze. This guy must be a total jerk. RUN.

[Geishawhelk]

Why was he the one who pushed for us to get married and then he cheated a couple of months after we got engaged??

Because then at least he has the certainty of a regular 'bed-fellow' when the lover fades away or becomes too serious and clingy.

[Trialbyfire]

You've got to be kidding. A vaginal infection made him cheat? That's a new one.

 

How many times did he lie to you? What did you have to do, to get even a portion of the truth from him? And you want to forgive this nutbar?

[travelgirl]

First off, I really feel for you. It seems like you were put thru the ringer here.

 

Normally, I would say to try and work together and try and work things out. But after rereading your initial post and your 2nd post, I am sorry to say that this does not look good.

 

1. It didn't seem like you really knew each other well enough to get engaged and get married.

2. You had a long distance romance. Really, you barely saw the guy.

3. He started looking on your facebook account because cheaters get jealous and act like their partners are cheating on them.

4. You found out only a small window by looking into his hotmail account that one given day. The way your husband denies denies and denies even when confronted with evidence is bad. The fact that he makes excuses for it is really bad. The fact that he blames you and your vaginal infections is beyond horrible, mean and despicable.

5. If he cheated on you while engaged and not just a cold feet one night stand, there is HIGH probability he will do it again.

 

I really think you need to re-evaluate the person you thought you knew and married. He is beyond rude to degrade you after HE messed up. You need to walk away because you will NEVER trust him again and he seems like the type of guy who will not show remorse and actually resent you and say YOU are making the marriage bad, not him. I just have a strange feeling, you have no idea who the guy you married really is. Once you settle down and things get a little less exciting and the butterflies start to calm, you don't think he will be trying once again? You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to try and stay in a marriage and raise a family with someone you do not trust at all?

[whichwayisup]

Uhhh, why did he keep the emails from so long ago? Or is he still intouch with these women?

 

And, how do you know if he's cheated on you since your marriage? Doesn't it make you wonder and mistrust him now? You two started your marriage off with a big lie..

 

Either go to marriage counselling together and fix this, or get divorced. To be honest, he doesn't seem too sorry he got caught and he certainly has blamed you for HIS choice of cheating on you.

 

Please, whatever you do, DO NOT have a baby with him for a long time. A kid will not fix your marriage.

[Saville]

Uhhh, why did he keep the emails from so long ago? Or is he still intouch with these women?

 

That's what I was thinking. For a "one" off, it seems peculiar that he even bothered to email in the first place; not to mention the issue of the phone number.

 

Like the others, I find it astounding that he blamed you and seems to have such little regret.

 

It seems so clear on the outside, yet I know just how much of a muddle these things can seem when one is involved in them.

 

Saville

[Reggie]

Uhhh, why did he keep the emails from so long ago? Or is he still intouch with these women?

 

And, how do you know if he's cheated on you since your marriage? Doesn't it make you wonder and mistrust him now? You two started your marriage off with a big lie..

 

Precisely. A casual encounter with a tourist , yet he retains her phone number and e-mails her post cheating. He tells you someone else copied his style? This guy is a lair, big time, and a dumb one, at that. HE deletes hise-mails post discovery?

You know the tip of the iceberg with this guy.

The smell drove him to it? So, your illness is the cause? You're not buying any of this, I hope.

Next time he forgets to apply deodarant, jump the mailman's bones. I'm sure he'll understand that his fragrance ws the cause and forget the whole thing. RUN.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was reluctant to agree so soon, but we did love each other a lot and want to be together properly (he needs a visa for the UK), not continue having a long distance relationship.

Is it possible the he's just using you to get the UK visa?

He insisted it was a hacker on his account who had sent them.... he said that someone must have copied his style...he deleted everything and told me to forget it...he swore blind he didn't send any emails and he didn't sleep with the girl...he still denied denied denied even when everything was in front of him...he has said he's sorry and he regrets everything that happened...

Fill in the blanks and this could be any cheaters story. What you've described is what they do - lie, deny, stall, lie some more. If confronted with real evidence instead of just suspicions, they turn the tables and accuse you of something - in this case, poor personal hygeine.

 

If you stay, get ready for a lifetime of deceit, deception and betrayal. Was that is your marriage vows?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Do they have annulments in the UK? If yes, you certainly have grounds. You likely have grounds for putting a silver stake through his heart, but an annulment would work

[Athena]

Illama, I only read your initial post (not the responses) and I have to go, but I quickly want to advise you something very, very, important... see -- you are focusing on the WRONG thing here... you are looking at the cheating INSTEAD OF THE LYING TO YOU NOW, WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED.

 

Although it is a given that cheaters will Deny, Deny, Deny... eventually when there is proof (like the email, or your contact with the girls) they would come clean, apologize, and try make up with you.

 

The fact that he still lied every single step of the way, shows his WILLINGNESS to deceive you -- and THAT is going to be impossible to change.

 

My advise to you, therefore, is to give him severe consequences -- I don't know, like, tell him you were very hurt and disappointed in him that he would not only cheat on you, but lie to you, that he has broken the trust you had in him, and that you want him to move out.

Give him a few days to think about his deplorable behavior (the lying) and to feel some remorse, and to fear losing you. Then start the talking.... you have to negotiate -- remember this: If you don't negotiate in life, you won't get a good deal.

 

Do not be too quick to forgive -- I did that when my husband first cheated on me a decade ago, and guess what?! He became better at lying and deceiving. He got off Scott-free. So he continued to cheat.

 

Make sure you give him consequences for what he did -- it's totally unacceptable that he not only cheat, but lie and cover up over and over. He would have quite happily allowed you to believe his lies, rather than 'man up' and show remorse.

 

I would proceed with caution.

[llama]

Yes good points everyone

 

I missed that he was trying to blame this on me, and I missed that he is actually lying to me after we are married, which is not good. He does come out with lots of crap when he's on the spot.

 

Where are all the people saying give it a go! he made a mistake! or is this so clearly bad bad bad?? I am looking into couples counselling, trying to track down a french one.

 

In the early hours of this morn I wrote him a letter (as otherwise I end up shouting and arguing with him) saying I appreciate he found this infection upsetting but I don't accept it was a reason for him to cheat on me, in fact it's a really stupid thing to say.

 

I said that by using that as an excuse doesn't say much for the love between us, if one little problem leads to a huge betrayal. I told him that I realised there was a possibility when I pressed him for a reason 'why' he cheated on me, that I might discover that there was not in fact a decent reason (like emotional issues between us etc.), and now I have come to the conclusion this was the case, as he had admitted that he wasn't 'very upset with lots of problems' as he previously said. The infection was the best excuse he could come up with.

 

I wrote that I believed he did it simply because he wanted to shag her, so he did, disregarding our love and showing no respect for our relationship or me. And that I'm guessing he enjoyed it which is why he kept in touch afterwards to remember their fun times.

 

I told him the facts of what happened haven't changed from what I knew before, but now I have a better understanding of why he did it, and it's not good, because there is no reason, he just could.

 

I asked him later what he thought about my letter, and he said I'm right about everything, and he is truly sorry. He has apologised so many times, but how can I ever know if he means it? If he was capable of cheating on me when he already had the intention to marry me... that really doesn't say much for him.

 

I think I will go through with some counselling but I will keep in mind that leaving him is a possibility. I think I'll really regret not trying to do everything possible to save our marriage in its early days, there's so much potential and I would always wonder 'what if?', but I accept that maybe he is not the right man for me after all :-(

[Geishawhelk]

I wrote that I believed he did it simply because he wanted to shag her, so he did, disregarding our love and showing no respect for our relationship or me.

 

Ultimately, this is probably the only honest reason people are unfaithful to their partners.

because they feel like it.

 

 

I think I will go through with some counselling but I will keep in mind that leaving him is a possibility.

 

I hope, trust and assume you mean "we"....?

He is going to go to counselling with you, isn't he?

[2sure]

My H and I were married 3 years ago after a fairly short engagement.

Days before our wedding I had reason to suspect cheating, wrote it down to nerves, and my fears were found to be correct a few months after the wedding.

 

I forgave him, like you thinking it may have been a "ONS fling before I get married kind of thing." I was crushed but moved on, having just uprotted mine and my daughters entire lives.

 

A year later, it all happened again. The hardest thing for me to wrap my head around was all the lies he gave me even while I stood there with proof. This is called GASLIGHTING. I wont go into all the details right here...but do yourself a big favor and research this behavior.

 

Because we were newly married it has been difficult because we had no other stong foundation or history built up to get through this crisis together. I never took the infidelity "personally" , didn't feel any OW was threatening my marriage....I didnt have anything to correct and the marriage was so new we didnt have any "problems" to fix. The problem all begin and ended with him.

 

We are recovering. It has been 1.5 years. Trust is being rebuilt. I had to make HIM the victim of his actions instead of me - until then he didnt really in his heart understand the betrayal.

 

I can tell you that you seem to be on the right path for yourself. I can also tell you that if I hadnt had my daughter - I would have bailed.

[travelgirl]

Yes good points everyone

 

I missed that he was trying to blame this on me, and I missed that he is actually lying to me after we are married, which is not good. He does come out with lots of crap when he's on the spot.

 

Where are all the people saying give it a go! he made a mistake! or is this so clearly bad bad bad?? I am looking into couples counselling, trying to track down a french one.

 

You are missing these things because you are not thinking clearly. You need some time away from him to take control of your thoughts. HE should be looking for a marriage counselor, HE should be doing everything to save the marriage, not you!!!

 

In the early hours of this morn I wrote him a letter (as otherwise I end up shouting and arguing with him) saying I appreciate he found this infection upsetting but I don't accept it was a reason for him to cheat on me, in fact it's a really stupid thing to say.

 

His "reason" should never be brought up again ever, especially by you. Drop the whole infection thing - on both sides. It is a complete fabrication of the real issues here.

 

 

I wrote that I believed he did it simply because he wanted to shag her, so he did, disregarding our love and showing no respect for our relationship or me. And that I'm guessing he enjoyed it which is why he kept in touch afterwards to remember their fun times.

 

Please think about this. Why would he keep in touch with her for just memories? You are fooling yourself here. It was still going on after your marriage.

 

I told him the facts of what happened haven't changed from what I knew before, but now I have a better understanding of why he did it, and it's not good, because there is no reason, he just could.

 

Why are you telling him you have a better understanding of why he did it. You still have no idea, he is a compulsive liar. There are many layers here that have not been peeled away. HE hasn't even shown an understanding of it, why are you letting him off by telling him YOU understand it.

 

I asked him later what he thought about my letter, and he said I'm right about everything, and he is truly sorry. He has apologised so many times, but how can I ever know if he means it? If he was capable of cheating on me when he already had the intention to marry me... that really doesn't say much for him.

 

Why are you writing him letters and then nagging him to say what he thought? You look desperate here and are playing right into hands. HE should be coming to you. He should be desperate to save this marriage and do anything he possibly can to work on it. You were the one cheated on, lied to and degraded. Why are you doing all the work here? Just for the same ole "I am sorry." He doesn't mean it. Words are easy to say to appease someone, to shut them up. What are his actions???

 

I think I will go through with some counselling but I will keep in mind that leaving him is a possibility.

 

Now, HE needs to go to counseling and then also with you to marriage counseling. I really wouldn't waste your time in marriage counseling until all of the truth is out and you won't get it unless he feels threatened that you will leave him for good. Right now, he is skating by on what little you know of his life before he met you, while you were dating, while you weren't in Morocco, during and after you were engaged, and after you were married. You said you met him while visiting Morocco. This seems to be him AMO. Meet the tourists and sweep them off their feet for some easy time between the sheets. He met these other women THE SAME WAY HE MET YOU. Please don't bother wasting tons of money on marriage counseling unless you are positive you know who you are dealing with here.

 

I think I'll really regret not trying to do everything possible to save our marriage in its early days, there's so much potential and I would always wonder 'what if?', but I accept that maybe he is not the right man for me after all :-(

 

No, this is where you are misinformed. Was your husband doing everything possible to even form a marriage, let alone save it? He made vows to you under severe false pretenses. He looked you in the eyes on your wedding day and lied to your face. Why in the world are you thinking you will wonder "what if?" Why are you trying so hard to save it when he isn't? Everything was based on lies and deception. If you don't think otherwise yet, you are only fooling yourself.

[Dexter Morgan]

Does anyone know if there is a tendancy for people to cheat while they're engaged?

 

Why does that matter? If people told you that engagement cheating is normal, would it make a difference?

 

 

For me I always thought that would mean you shouldn't get married!!

 

Someone that cheats, period, shouldn't get married.

 

My advice, get an anullment, QUICK. If he can cheat in these early stages, and even before you got married, just wait until being married bores him to death and the 7 year itch sets in, but looks like it already has.

 

Anullment time.

[llama]

2sure, thanks for your post. Its interesting to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. I'm reading up on 'gaslighting' - certainly not a nice concept!!

 

I'm just so so disappointed. How I would have loved to have a 'normal' marriage and not have to deal with all this just a few weeks after we had our wedding. It's really f*cked up.

 

I haven't been thinking clearly and he obviously thinks I won't be leaving him anytime soon so is just fudging through. He will come to marriage counselling with me, although he's not very excited about having to go through everything again...

 

Travelgirl said: "You look desperate here and are playing right into hands. HE should be coming to you. He should be desperate to save this marriage and do anything he possibly can to work on it."

 

I am desperate - desperately hoping that our marriage is real and that we can get through this!! I know I should be strong enough to stand up for myself and leave if I wanted to - but the prospect of leaving this marriage and all the things we had planned together for the rest of our lives scares me. This is a scary time for me - I want to believe him and that he won't do it again, but I can never know what his true intentions are.

 

Maybe he feels he has apologised for all the wrong that he's done and wants to 'move on' by trying to continue our normal life, what's to gain by going through all the details and getting upset over and over again? But obviously I can't just let it go so easily - I need to know why.

 

Believe it or not, I have never thought of him as a liar on anything else - only this topic where he is wrong and has done something bad and he has been lying his ass off. Normally he is perfect, caring, really takes care of me, would appear to be the perfect husband, and I'd love to believe that he has done something very stupid and wrong and won't do it again.

 

Obviously cheating is not acceptable even if everything else is great.

 

The 'other woman' told me that they stopped being in touch by about May. I guess it just fizzled out after a while. They never made plans to meet up. She didn't know that he was engaged and was completely shocked when I contacted her. I'm glad she has been so co-operative, it's nice to get some straight answers from someone.

[Athena]

Ilama, you have received some very good advice from all. I especially like travelgirl's post and agree with every single point she made, and I would suggest you read her post several times!

 

It's true -- your H, if truly sorry, would be moving heaven and earth to make this up to you!

But he's not. He is simply going along with what you are doing, and somewhat begrudgingly, eg the counseling. What does that tell you?

 

I am telling you the signs are not good. You have made it too easy for him to be forgiven, therefore he has not felt any real consequences for his unacceptable behaviours and he will continue to do whatever he pleases during your marriage... he will just become better at covering up his actions. You will be living in doubt, and second-guessing yourself.

 

It's absolutely normal for the female to seek to reconnect and mend the relationship, while I am sure that if YOU had done what he has, and he found out about it he would have dealt out more appropriate consequences for you.... think carefully about what your actions are telling him -- that it's 'okay' for him to do this, since his marriage is still intact and you are working very, very, hard at making things good between you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm glad she has been so co-operative, it's nice to get some straight answers from someone.

Doesn't it tell you something that you get more "straight answers" from a stranger than you do from your Husband? One might accept that anyone can make a mistake and do the wrong thing, but doesn't his conduct after you found out about the cheating tell you something?

 

Were it me, I wouldn't want to spend the next 20 years wondering when the next shoe is going to drop. Based on what has happened, it's not a question of if but only a matter of when...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trialbyfire]

OP, you need to get by your fear of loss. It only hurts for awhile.

 

Step back from your emotions and rationally approach this:

• He's a liar and a cheater.
  
• As Mr. Lucky has so succinctly put it, you had to rely on a stranger to give you more truth than the man who supposedly loves you.
  
• He's blamed you for his cheating, due to YOUR vaginal infection.
  
• He's reluctantly going to MC with you.
  
• You've only known him for about a year and a half.
  

What exactly are you trying to save here?