stuck33 Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 hey all i'm back again for a lil update as i'm now at a complete loss. i apologize in advance as this is long winded i wrote the hubby a letter saying i was unhappy and why etc etc. he went a little (errr a lot) crazy, starting going through my stuff accusing me of cheating and the like. we did a marriage counceling session but still couldn't really talk to eachother, so it was pretty useless. after a month of tension and fighting and him being crazy, i said enough is enough i'm finding a temporary place to sort this out. needless to say he moved out. at the time i felt like it was a decent idea - the constant tension, accusations and fighting were making me crazy - i was messing up at work (a big no no as im a nurse) and it was just awful. i thought maybe if we both took a breather and stepped out of the situation we could start dealing with everything better. ok so here is half the problem...we have marriage problems together and i am struggling with finding the effort to want to fix them because of all the effort i put in earlier in our relationship. he put me through hell - cheating lying etc. well we have been seperated now 3 weeks, i told him about 2 weeks ago that i thought i should see my own councelor to help me get over the issues i had with our past and then we could start baby steps with getting our marriage back together. yesterday i found out that he has been texting his ex (whom he cheated on me with and who he put me through 2 years of hell with) pretty much since he moved out. i'm floored, it all makes no sense. and when i talked to him about it he said "i will talk to whoever the f*** i want, your a selfish person" etc and was just SO angry with me about it. now i'm at a loss. i thought i made it pretty clear what i wanted/needed from him and what i was feeling and willing to do to try to fix it. he told me he would do anyting to make this work. now call me crazy but why would he go talking and hanging out with a girl who is a large part of the root of our (and especially my) problems? at this point i've just about had it. a big part of our marriage issues were that he didn't listen or pay attention to how i feel and even with the prospect of divorce he can't seem to bring himself to care how i feel. any insight from the guys on here?
TrustInYourself Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Yeah, I started talking to women and texting old girlfriends when my wife moved out. I'm not sure if I feel bad about it, considering she was out doing whatever she wanted to come to terms with her lack of feelings for me. You left him coping with issues and emotions on his own. He's going to take whatever actions he feels necessary to be happy. Is that right or wrong? I think that's a matter of opinion or perspective. Sure, you may have voiced your intent was to work on yourself, but listening is not something many of us come into marriages knowing. Look at his track history, he ignores you. He probably is self-centered, narcisstic, and a "taker" in the relationship. He doesn't know any difference. I'm sorry. I know it hurts, he's just incapable or unaware of how deeply his actions hurt you. He probably hurts so much from your decision to leave, he's doing anything he can to feel "loved and wanted". I hope that helps.
Geishawhelk Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 hey all i'm back again for a lil update as i'm now at a complete loss. i apologize in advance as this is long winded i wrote the hubby a letter saying i was unhappy and why etc etc. he went a little (errr a lot) crazy, starting going through my stuff accusing me of cheating and the like. we did a marriage counceling session but still couldn't really talk to eachother, so it was pretty useless. after a month of tension and fighting and him being crazy, i said enough is enough i'm finding a temporary place to sort this out. needless to say he moved out. at the time i felt like it was a decent idea - the constant tension, accusations and fighting were making me crazy - i was messing up at work (a big no no as im a nurse) and it was just awful. i thought maybe if we both took a breather and stepped out of the situation we could start dealing with everything better. ok so here is half the problem...we have marriage problems together and i am struggling with finding the effort to want to fix them because of all the effort i put in earlier in our relationship. he put me through hell - cheating lying etc. well we have been seperated now 3 weeks, i told him about 2 weeks ago that i thought i should see my own councelor to help me get over the issues i had with our past and then we could start baby steps with getting our marriage back together. yesterday i found out that he has been texting his ex (whom he cheated on me with and who he put me through 2 years of hell with) pretty much since he moved out. i'm floored, it all makes no sense. and when i talked to him about it he said "i will talk to whoever the f*** i want, your a selfish person" etc and was just SO angry with me about it. now i'm at a loss. i thought i made it pretty clear what i wanted/needed from him and what i was feeling and willing to do to try to fix it. he told me he would do anyting to make this work. now call me crazy but why would he go talking and hanging out with a girl who is a large part of the root of our (and especially my) problems? at this point i've just about had it. a big part of our marriage issues were that he didn't listen or pay attention to how i feel and even with the prospect of divorce he can't seem to bring himself to care how i feel. any insight from the guys on here? Yup. It sounds from your post as if you're doing all the rowing, and he's just trailing his hands in the water..... He is who he is, and he's doing things he chooses to do. You can't fix him, and you can't fix the bothofyou.... You can only work on you. With or without him. Given that he doesn't seem to want to take his turn rowing - what do you now want?
TrustInYourself Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Yup. It sounds from your post as if you're doing all the rowing, and he's just trailing his hands in the water..... He is who he is, and he's doing things he chooses to do. You can't fix him, and you can't fix the bothofyou.... You can only work on you. With or without him. Given that he doesn't seem to want to take his turn rowing - what do you now want? Maybe he's rowing too much.
Geishawhelk Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Maybe they're both rowing and going round in circles..... They're just not rowing together, are they.....?
TrustInYourself Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Or rowing in opposite directions, effectively spinning the boat, while screaming at the other person to row the other direction.
ReeWoo Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 hey all i'm back again for a lil update as i'm now at a complete loss. i apologize in advance as this is long winded i wrote the hubby a letter saying i was unhappy and why etc etc. he went a little (errr a lot) crazy, starting going through my stuff accusing me of cheating and the like. we did a marriage counceling session but still couldn't really talk to eachother, so it was pretty useless. after a month of tension and fighting and him being crazy, i said enough is enough i'm finding a temporary place to sort this out. needless to say he moved out. at the time i felt like it was a decent idea - the constant tension, accusations and fighting were making me crazy - i was messing up at work (a big no no as im a nurse) and it was just awful. i thought maybe if we both took a breather and stepped out of the situation we could start dealing with everything better. ok so here is half the problem...we have marriage problems together and i am struggling with finding the effort to want to fix them because of all the effort i put in earlier in our relationship. he put me through hell - cheating lying etc. well we have been seperated now 3 weeks, i told him about 2 weeks ago that i thought i should see my own councelor to help me get over the issues i had with our past and then we could start baby steps with getting our marriage back together. yesterday i found out that he has been texting his ex (whom he cheated on me with and who he put me through 2 years of hell with) pretty much since he moved out. i'm floored, it all makes no sense. and when i talked to him about it he said "i will talk to whoever the f*** i want, your a selfish person" etc and was just SO angry with me about it. now i'm at a loss. i thought i made it pretty clear what i wanted/needed from him and what i was feeling and willing to do to try to fix it. he told me he would do anyting to make this work. now call me crazy but why would he go talking and hanging out with a girl who is a large part of the root of our (and especially my) problems? at this point i've just about had it. a big part of our marriage issues were that he didn't listen or pay attention to how i feel and even with the prospect of divorce he can't seem to bring himself to care how i feel. any insight from the guys on here? well, I can see that you thought that you were helping him by having him move out . . . this guy is your husband, letters don't cut it, you two certainly have a communication problem and letters are written with one thought and often are read with a different meaning. Don't do letters. Sure he's your husband but don't husbands usually live in the same home? Who was the unhappy person again? And by having him move out you became happier? Sounds like you may have been trying to spread around the unhappiness but it didn't work. At least you have the time you wanted to work on yourself and a husband that is letting you do it. Don't waste time, you may not have much of it. Get to working on yourself and your marriage. Then again, the ole boy cheated in the past, maybe he is doing you a favor by letting you have time to think. Make a good decision.
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