Is it still cheating if the situation is online?

[MystifiedOne]

~~I posted this earlier this month on the Cheating board but the responses seemed to think it was a joke as the situation occurs online, so I have posted it here in hopes I may get more helpful responses, as the situation is still ongoing.~~~

 

Is it cheating to cheat on a cheater?

Searching the internet for advice in my situation I came across this site and it seemed like a place where I may get some answers.

 

Briefly, I am involved in an online game, or virtual reality if you will. I have recently become intimately involved (within the confines of the game) with a guy who, while not married real life is however in a long term live in relationship. It seems his partner has some issues with depression etc which have caused her to withdraw from the sexual side of their relationship, and he has turned to the game for both social interaction and sexual release. I am divorced and not in a relationship at present.

 

Neither he nor I are looking for anything more than enjoying each other's company within the game.

 

My issue is that he has very recently (before we became intimate) started 'dating' another woman in game. This woman is married also and has had prior 'partners' in the game, as has he.

 

Even though she 'staked her claim' to him as 'her man', he and I continue to private message each other and spend time in each other's company, both intimate and otherwise. There is plenty of opportunity for this as she lives in a different country to us and there is quite a time difference, not to mention the demands of being a wife and mother I would suppose, which necessarily limites her time online and opportunities for cyber intimacy.

 

My question is, is it wrong of me to still be involved with this man, in regard to his other in game relationship? Surely it is hypocritical of her to demand his in game exclusivity while cyber cheating on her rl husband? Obviously I don't think so right now, but would be interested to hear other's perspectives.

[Geishawhelk]

I remember replying to your original request.

 

I still think you should turn off your computer and get out more.

Why, oh why, oh why, is this so important?

[me4u2]

Out of curiosity what game is this? How in the heck can you cheat on someone while playing a game?

 

So there's no actual real life cheating, just game cheating? I'm confused.

[MystifiedOne]

and as I responded to you on my previous thread~~ I have a full "normal life" outside my computer. This "game" is a hobby, something I enjoy playing and is surely better than sitting in front of the tv.

 

This is important to me because real feelings are involved, but I suppose from your responses you think they're not.

[MystifiedOne]

me4, it is not so much a "game" as a virtual reality where players make cyber renditions of themselves (commonly called avatars) and interact much as you would in a real life setting.

[MystifiedOne]

donna, I do fully realize he is cheating on his rl relationship, but whether I am involved or no, he is already doing that with this other woman in game, is he not?

 

My question was regarding the in game dynamic and whether I should feel that I am helping him to 'cheat' on his cyber OW. Does this situation merit the same ethical mores as real life cheating?

[Geishawhelk]

and as I responded to you on my previous thread~~ I have a full "normal life" outside my computer. This "game" is a hobby, something I enjoy playing and is surely better than sitting in front of the tv.

 

Why?

How is sitting infornt of a computer screen playting a virtual game, any better than sitting infornt of a good educastional documentary, or a well-made historical drama....?

 

This is important to me because real feelings are involved, but I suppose from your responses you think they're not.

 

Well, how about considering the emotions of those other than your own?

 

OK.

Cheating, is cheating, is cheating.

Lying, is lying, is lying.

 

But maybe this is like having your fingers crossed, so it doesn't count.

[me4u2]

Ok then I'm thinking it's not really cheating. It's a game with real feeling, I understand what you're saying, but I don't believe it's cheating more than it's some sort of sexual outlet. As far as this other game woman, do what you want, I suppose it's an online game affair cheating thing then, right?

[MystifiedOne]

donna, this question came up because some of my friends in game seem to think "cheating" with him on his cyber gf is despicable and seem to want to apply the same standards as if they were real life partners.

 

From my point of view, they are both already cheating on their real life partners anyway, so what's one more? How can they cheat and then expect fidelity in game?

[me4u2]

Here's another reason why I don't think it matters. Because you said you PM each other right, so how do either of you know that he's not doing the same PMing with several other avatar people. I'm sorry, I don't have the lingo down when it comes to this game but I think you get my drift.

[bubblegum]

and as I responded to you on my previous thread~~ I have a full "normal life" outside my computer. This "game" is a hobby, something I enjoy playing and is surely better than sitting in front of the tv.

 

This is important to me because real feelings are involved, but I suppose from your responses you think they're not.

 

Read bold: obviously not, it's still all based on fantasy, psychological projection, and avoidance.

[me4u2]

donna, this question came up because some of my friends in game seem to think "cheating" with him on his cyber gf is despicable and seem to want to apply the same standards as if they were real life partners.

 

From my point of view, they are both already cheating on their real life partners anyway, so what's one more? How can they cheat and then expect fidelity in game?

 

That's as kooky as the day is long. Your friends are trying to be more ethical online than in real life.

[wildsoul]

It's a game with real feeling...

If the game players experience real feelings, then YES, it's really cheating.

 

She'd be hurt and upset if she found out, just as you were hurt and upset when he chooses her over you. And (as in real life cake-eating affairs) he's using both of you and probably not feeling any guilt at all!

 

One other thought, again based on the premise that this is pretty real for you. If it's real enough to stimulate you sexually & emotionally, then have you thought about the negative effects this drama is having on your psychological & neurobiological system? Your body & brain perceive all this stress as real. Why put yourself through that?

 

Or for an alternate idea, play it out for all it's worth: kick up some kind of serious drama that you would NEVER do in real life! Heck, why not? Can't you make her head explode or something? Or better yet, out him in a public way. Rip up the triangle and start w/ new players.

[datura_noir]

Are you folks really adults?? Because it seems like you all are high school kids playing games. I mean, come on-grow up!! Seriously, online games that involve intimacy, claim-staking, and, wait-do you even hold full time jobs and pay bills? Wow, I guess I'm behind the times.

 

You may not think it is cheating; put yourself in the other persons' shoes. How would YOU perceive it??

 

I don't know; it seems to me that there are more important things in life than to be latching on to some online-***k-buddy.....

[bentnotbroken]

I have seen this on other boards and they are playing games.