wildsoul Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I'm curious what you would have done if you were in this situation: Last weekend, I was out with friends. One of my guests was a single girlfriend that I've known since Jr. Highschool. Another guest was a guy friend of mine. Over 20 years ago, he was the best friend of my xBF. (Never anything sexual between us; he's just a dear friend.) My guy friend has a live-in girlfriend. They were on the outs last year, but he recently bought a house with her, so it seemed to me he was committing to her (though he has always said he will not marry or have kids.) His GF did NOT come out with us, as she had to work the next day. I had been in another part of the club for quite some time, before returning to the bar room where these friends were hanging out. When I walked in, my 2 friends were kissing deepy. Both drunk off their asses. Immediately, I'm horrified because I feel a sense of loyalty to my guy friend's girl. He's often a bit flirty, but a good guy overall. At first, she was threatened by me and some of our other female friends because we have SO much history with her guy. I've always gone very out of my way to make sure she understands I'm zero threat, as have the other women. I think it's VERY cool that she trusts him go out with us. If they've ever fought about it, I don't know. Bottom-line: I don't know her nearly as well as him, but I'm not wanting to betray her. My GF who was kissing him doesn't know his GF. She's also not really as close with him as I am. So for whatever reason, maybe it was the booze, she had no ethical problem with making out with my guy friend, knowing he has a live in girlfriend. How I handled it was by litterally pulling them apart. I interrupted and pulled him aside under the pretense that I wanted to introduce him to someone. They were both drunk, so he didn't even realize I was interceding deliberately. Later, they were at it again. In a more quiet moment, I asked him what he was doing kissing her. He said he was blowing off steam because he's thinking of breaking up with his GF at home. Ugh. Interestingly, my GF commented on a social network site about that night and shared she was kissing "a friend" that night and that it was hot. (Ugh, again.) I think I did the right thing for me at the time. My other friends weren't doing anything but looking at them in shock. I felt like I wanted to intercede on the 2 drunks lest they do something they might later regret. It's idle curiosity really, but what would you have done?
2sunny Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 same as you... but when alcohol and hormones are involved there's only so much you can do. you were good to provide the distraction, but hey, they were on a mission! stay out of it now... you did what you could do. if they want to change things for their future it will be up to him to change his life with his live in GF to make room for the kissing friend. it may end up being nothing to worry about... just laugh at it for what it is. two peeps who did something stupid when they drank too much...
norajane Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Huh. I freely read the riot act to my old and dear friends when they're on a collision course with disaster. Friends don't let friends screw up their lives. Granted, they were drunk, so you're not likely to get through to someone who's drunk. I'd have a conversation with him now and tell him to stop messing with other women and decide what he's going to do about his relationship with his gf first. It's sooooooo disrespectful to her that he did this in front of all those people who know her. It's not right to drag another woman into his problems with his gf, nor that he did it so publicly. As for your woman friend, well, that's tougher. She's clearly not phased that he's got a live-in gf since she's posting about him now. How well do you know her? If she's a close friend, I'd have a chat with her, too.
Trialbyfire Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 It's idle curiosity really, but what would you have done? First, I think you did what you felt needed to be done, which was great! Myself, I would have reamed them both out on the spot, with the understanding that the two need to have some respect for the g/f, break it up first, then go like rabbits, if that's what they want to do. People disgust me.
Owl Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I would have told them both what I thought of what they were doing...point blank, and up front. If he'd have made that comment about "blowing off steam"...I'd of simply replied with "Cool, then you won't be upset when your GF sees the video I took on my phone.". Sorry, I've got no patience with this stuff, and I have NO compunctions with ending a friendship with someone who would expect me to condone that kind of behavior.
noforgiveness Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 You screw around with a married man with children and you are going to act outraged when someone with just a girlfriend is doing it. Would you care to explain your boundaries?
norajane Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 You screw around with a married man with children and you are going to act outraged when someone with just a girlfriend is doing it. Would you care to explain your boundaries? Who would know better exactly what a train wreck it would be than someone who's living through one of her own?
Author wildsoul Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 You screw around with a married man with children and you are going to act outraged when someone with just a girlfriend is doing it. Would you care to explain your boundaries? My married man is a SEPARATED man. The time when we were blatantly cheating was for 1 month, last Jan to Feb. I broke up with him until he moved out last April.They don't have kids.I don't have kids.I think cheating on friends and/or within a circle of friends is worse.Welcome to my ignore list!
noforgiveness Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 sigh. Recent post from you about his marital status. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. One thing that really had (fading fast into past tense!) me hooked is trying to hold on to the "good times." I dearly loved the affection/romance/sex/companionship we had. This guy poured the verbal praise onto me (and vice versa) to the point that it was a red flag in the beginning. I felt like he was trying to sell me on him, yanno? But soon, it felt so good to my bones. I was head over heels in love with him. I bought into it enough to (sort of) overlook his marital status and other transgressions. another very recent. Meh. I don't know if he was lying per se. I think he did mean to spend T-day with me. Although he wants a D, his W (who still wants him) is a source of ego food.Her family (based on what he tells me) is a HUGE source of ego food.I'm also a big source of ego food (and my friends/family too, but not guaranteed yet.)As I've been insisting that he stop cake-eating (e.g. move out, spend holidays, etc.) in order to date me, then he's been backed against the wall. So he was angry, testing, and extorting care from me. And in a self-defeating prophecy, because he was being such a dork (as you say) he ended up blowing our R up. So not only was he still married with a wife who very much still wanted him but you were pressuring him big time to leave her for you. and more Before, I was still making ALL the justifications that OW make: He really seems to be The One for me; He must love me deeply because he's already planned our future; We get along SO well; I've never had such great chemistry; He's really there for me at a hard time in my life; Maybe it's just a case of bad-timing. For all of these reasons, I was willing to date a still married man. I'm sure there are many more examples. So I ask again How can you be outraged by someone kissing a man who only has a girlfriend when you are doing much more than kissing with a man who has a wife? I guess you like to believe you have boundaries and like to enforce them to others just not yourself.
Reggie Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 sigh. Recent post from you about his marital stat another very recent. So not only was he still married with a wife who very much still wanted him but you were pressuring him big time to leave her for you. and more I'm sure there are many more examples. So I ask again How can you be outraged by someone kissing a man who only has a girlfriend when you are doing much more than kissing with a man who has a wife? I guess you like to believe you have boundaries and like to enforce them to others just not yourself. Wow, nice job on cross:). Your witness.
NoIDidn't Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I guess you like to believe you have boundaries and like to enforce them to others just not yourself. Lots of people are like this. I don't know why it surprises you. But I think you are wrong about what is going on here. Some people really do not want to see their friends get into an affair when they have already BTDT. She knows what may lie on the other side of an affair and is trying to help them avoid it. What's so bad about that? Oh wait, your handle just reminded why.
NoIDidn't Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 WS I would have done something similar, but I am a very direct person to my friends. I would have told him the truth of why I was parting them. Drunk or not. But, I also would have considered the fact that alcohol was involved. I don't give a pass for being drunk. Being drunk is really poor manners and bad behavior in my (admittedly, self-righteous) book. I don't have a problem with friends drinking - its the going all the way to drunk that I have a problem with. He would have also been served notice about me possibly telling the GF that I worked so hard (in your case) to gain her trust. I would not be a party to what has great potential to make her distrust the whole lot of his female friends.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I would have minded my own business and not went out with them again. Physically pulling them apart? That's crossing a boundary. People are free to make their own choices. Not that I agree with what they're doing, but who am I to judge?
frannie Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Argh. Difficult situation. I think maybe some guilt playing into it about the g/f and MM's W..? Maybe a bit of jealousy that you and your other g/fs have considered him off-limits and then here goes this brazen woman snogging his face off in front of you all . I don't know, maybe that's not really the point. But trying to understand your own motivations for wanting to interfere is sometimes helpful. I think it's pointless to try to police other people's relationships, but it is so hard, wondering whether you'd like to be told what's going on if you were in the g/f's shoes hmm. Sounds like she's aware what he's like, but who knows, is she maybe 'too trusting', and how far is that your business? FWIW I think it's pointless having a go at him or the single b/f. The single b/f is single and doesn't know his girlfriend, and he's the one cheating. But, while he's cheating, he's doing it in front of people who know his g/f, so he's either a monumental idiot (possible), and/or he really doesn't care about this relationship at home and really is planning on ending it... or more likely, hoping stuff will get back to her so she ends it for him, in typical PA-style. Sometimes I'm so glad to be single
Author wildsoul Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Argh. Difficult situation. I think maybe some guilt playing into it about the g/f and MM's W..? Maybe a bit of jealousy that you and your other g/fs have considered him off-limits and then here goes this brazen woman snogging his face off in front of you all . I don't know, maybe that's not really the point. But trying to understand your own motivations for wanting to interfere is sometimes helpful. Only one big motivation here: me feeling badly for his GF and not wanting to be an accomplice through social approval. Also, I didn't really explain it before, but it wasn't just a night where we met out at a bar. It was a an overnight party at my country home, where heading out to the local tavern was part of the plans, so I felt a bit more responsibility. The secondary motivation was more about protecting the 2 drunk friends from acting stupid. And as someone else said, this sort of thing does tend to get gossiped about. I don't want her to hear that he went to my house for the weekend then was kissing one of my best girlfriends. BTW, it's not even that I considered him off-limits per se. He's very attractive. But he was the best friend of an xBF i was with for almost 8 years. That puts him in the "brotherly" category. I don't have affairs with my boyfriends friends, even if I'm no longer dating the guy. I think that's a bit creepy. He sent me an email that ended with, "No more tequila for me!" So I think that's his way of acknowledging they were too loose.
RecordProducer Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I wouldn't have done anything. I am actually surprised to hear something like this from you, given that you dated a married man! The only thing I might have done if I felt it was necessary is remind my friend (if we're close enough) that he/she might regret it tomorrow if they ended up in bed with the other person.
Author wildsoul Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 I wouldn't have done anything. I am actually surprised to hear something like this from you, given that you dated a married man! I've never cheated with anyone before, and wouldn't ever do it again. I've only continued my R with him because he's separated. I'm surprised no one else here thinks that cheating is worse when it's amongst friends. I'd have guessed that would be the hot topic. On the one hand, I think any BS who was cheated on by a friend or someone in the same social circle would find that to be a MUCH bigger betrayal. (I would if it were me.) Yet on the other hand, a person is a person. Is betraying a stranger any less of a crime than betraying a friend? As to the case in point, if my friend had been kissing a girl we didn't know at the bar, I'd still feel bad about it on behalf of his girlfriend. Yet him kissing one of my best friends seems even worse to me.
Agent_99 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Yes the cheating between two people within a social circle cause some serious conflict. There is a very small lesbian community where I live and it caused some polarization after the first Dday when BS tried to tell some lies about me, there where people who knew the truth and even some who didn't who had a hard time believing what she said about me. Then there where the ones who stuck by her. Most people have a tendency to take 'sides'. If I had been someone outside of the social group, it would have been different.
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I would have minded my own business and not went out with them again. +1 If either asked why, I'd calmly explain, but only then.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I had a similar situation happen to me. My very close male friend was dating a woman that had a hard time with me being friends with her man. I went out of my way FOREVER trying to be nice to this girl- and it proved to be futile. One evening when my male friend was away I invited his wretchid gf out as a show of goodwill. I was driving and sober and she got drunk and I lost her in the club. I came around the corner to find her making out with a guy. She ended the night exchanging numbers with him and lamenting to me all the way home how confused and messed up she was... I NEVER told my male friend. Even though she was often mean to me. Why? Because I don't think he would have believed me... and I think I would have lost him as a friend if I told him because she would have denied it and blamed me... He recently married her- I don't think me telling him what happened would have changed that. If your male friend is conflicted- he needs to work that out on his own. Be there for him if he needs support, but remind him that you will no longer be a party to his cheating. There is not much else you can do. Would I have intervened? Not at that particular moment. I would have chatted with him afterwards and found out what was going on- offered him an ear if he needed it. I stay clear of judging my friends- but that doesn't mean I won't point out when they are being self destructive. Tough position for you to be in. Sadly, I don't think there is much you can do if these two want to hook up again. It's in their hands, not yours. It's his consequence to suffer.
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