My girlfriend's sex drive is almost non-existent

[Byren]

Hello!

 

I was hoping to get some advice, hopefully from men or women with low sex drives themselves or from someone that's in a similar situation to me, but any advice would be fantastic =). I've posted this on the general board too, but I figure it fits this forum too and has a higher chance of being seen here.

 

So basically I've known that my gf's libido is a fair bit lower than mine since we started going out (about 3 months ago) but last night she let me know how low it really is. She told me that she felt like she's a little bit pressured into sex because of our differing drives and that really she would only want sex maybe once a week (we've been having sex once, twice, sometimes 3 times a week). I also get the feeling that sex has maybe become a little bit hum-drum, it usually starts in the same way and she told me that she often pre-empts it and subtly stops it in attempt to protect my feelings.

 

Before this relationship I was a virgin so I lacked physical experience in this area but as far as I know I have no problem in pleasuring her. She's told me many times how good I am etc etc, so it's not this that bothers me, just the fact that she seemingly doesn't have the need or want to fire up the engines.

 

Because of my higher sex-drive she also feels that I'm not much of a challenge, basically whenever she wants sex I'm more than happy to jump her bones since she's not often in the mood! Can I be blamed?

 

Apparantly she used to have a much higher libido around 16 and 17 but it's kind of tapered off as she got older (she's 20 now), and apparantly one of her exes pressured her into sex a lot. I do NOT want to be like that guy. I respect that she doesn't want sex as much as I do... but it'd help a little if her desire for it were a little higher =P

 

Every other part of our relationship seems stable, we were good friends for 2 years before we started going out and can talk to eachother about anything. We're also living in the same house with a few of our other friends so perhaps I'm not giving her enough space?... I dunno, it could be a small part of this puzzle.

 

Any advice would be awesome! Methods to get her in the mood? Tips on making sex more spontaneous or more exciting? Techniques I could use to stop feeling frustrated sexually? A magic bean that'll raise her desire for sex?! Anything you've got, just chuck it this way!

[JamesM]

First, if you are focusing in the amount of sex you have after three months of dating, then I suggest that you refocus your relationship on friendship. It sounds like sex is the reason the two of you are together.

 

Second, let's assume for the sake of argument that it is okay to have sex after three months so often, I can say without a doubt this problem will never be different. If you cannot accept the sex life you have now, then I suggest that you begin looking for a partner that is better matched.

 

Personally, I think there is a strong possibility that she thinks you want her mainly for sex...especially if she feels she is not "satisfying you" as often as you think you would like.

 

Accept her as she is or move on. Three months and a low libido spells long term trouble.

[serialgf]

hi:

 

there are two things that struck me from your post:

 

1. her saying that you aren't much of a challlenge. i'm kind of torn on this one, because on the one hand I would say why should you be a challenge? you're in a relationship, sex shouldn't be a challenge... maybe this is an issue of hers... thinking that sex should be a challenge. On the other hand, I do see her point if you are always in her grill about getting it on... I mean if you're not getting any anyway, why not just back off for a little bit and see what happens? I think it would behoove you to actually listen to her because she is telling you what she wants, or what would help the situation - I suggest you don't initiate sex for 2 weeks ( i know, it's torture but like i said its better than it being forced or making her miserable...) and see what happens.

 

2. her past relationship. this is not something to be taken lightly. from my own personal experience, i have learned that traumatizing experiences, particularly of a sexual nature, can have a total adverse affects on someones libido and ability to partake in sexual intimacy. my bf and i have also been dating for 3 months and his last relationship (which he got out of 2 YEARS ago mind you) left him completely traumatized in the sex department. he doesn't kiss me, though he will have sex with me, but lots of times i was feeling like i was forcing him. i find that when i focus on how he must be feeling, rather than my own horniness and needs, it helps me be a lot more accomodating, and in turn we have more and better sex!

 

good luck!

[Ruby Slippers]

People will give you all kinds of advice on this, but I think her sex drive is unlikely to change much. However, look around and you will see that there are a lot of women who enjoy sex often and are not satisfied with their low-libido men. I, for one, like to have sex every day. My last boyfriend told me he'd never had a girlfriend whose libido even came close to matching his -- till me. (This might be the reason he fell so hard for me. )

 

It's a compatibility issue. You might try all kinds of things to improve it, but in the end, you're going to have to accept it or move on.

[berrieh]

The only reason I think it might change is because you said it had before, which makes me think it might be physical or emotional, rather than just in her nature.

 

Was she on birth control pills or any hormones when she had a higher sex drive? Is she now? Many women who are on birth control pills will experience a lower sex drive as a symtom (not from all pills and not all women, and these women can usually find a method - another brand, a name brand if they're taking generic, the ring, the patch, etc - where this issue changes). It has happened to loads of my friends, and some didn't even realize it when they were on the pill.

 

Was her diet significantly different when she had a high sex drive? Her exercise level? Many people will feel an increased sex drive when they're eating better and exercising regularly. And those are both good things to do anyway, and you can exercise as a couple and prepare better meals together.

 

That's the physical. The emotional you bring up is her ex... If she truly began to see sex as a chore, and still kind of does with you, then it might actually be making her sex drive even lower. That seems like something that can be changed with time, though I don't know what YOU can do about it (not much, if they're her issues, and you don't exactly want to call her out on it). Working through them might come naturally, though, and her sex drive may increase.

 

Honestly, though I've had ups and downs with my sex drive (mostly physical or issues I was working through), I cannot imagine not wanting sex with any boyfriend I've had unless they were (a) not very good in bed, or (b) I was in some sort of pain (sore, etc) and that made it not so fun. I have a fairly high sex drive, but I don't crave it every day...still, when I'm in a relationship, it's usually with someone I'm really attracted to, and I crave THEM everytime I see them. When my interest is waning, I crave sex less. However, not everyone is like me, so I'm not sure not wanting to have sex all the time is a bad sign. Still, it's worth considering whether or not this really seems normal/natural or whether perhaps there's some deeper issue in your dynamic.

 

Or, as many have mentioned, it could just be a compatibility issue and this could be her normal sex drive. Can you live with that?

[Byren]

Hey guys, thanks for your feedback.

 

Personally, I think there is a strong possibility that she thinks you want her mainly for sex...especially if she feels she is not "satisfying you" as often as you think you would like.

I did think that she felt that way, and that's the last thing I want her to think. She loves it when people value her personality and brains above how she looks physically (she gets a lot of attention from guys) and I'm pretty sure she'd be devistated if i started just seeing her as a sex object, which I don't by the way.

 

Was she on birth control pills or any hormones when she had a higher sex drive? Is she now?

She's been on the pill for as long as i've known her. I've thought that it might be the pill that's affecting her libido but I can ust tell her to stop taking it, it helps ease her through her periods; something that I cant imagine is too much fun. I wouldn't dream of taking away her pain relief.

 

Was her diet significantly different when she had a high sex drive? Her exercise level?

She doesn't really exercise but her diet is really good. She works as a chef for a resturant so she understands the need for good food, and I think she has done for many years.

 

The ex thing could have done this... I know he's effected her in other ways too, like she wont have sex with the lights on because of him.

 

Then again, you could be right, it could be her natural drive now. I think I can live with it, I loved her as a friend and I think i'm falling in love with her as a girlfriend. If a low libido were to ruin what I have here then I'd never forgive myself.