Does the gift your SO gives you show how they feel about you?

[lexi29]

I know this is probably going to come off sounding selfish and shallow and I don't mean to be that way.So tell me, you think it is, I can take it.

 

However, I am upset over the Christmas present my fiance has bought me. We are going to move in together next month and he just got laid off from his construction job yesterday (knew for about a week he would be laid off) He has already applied for another job in case the layoff last more than a few weeks. Anyway, we've been christmas shopping for his 9 year old son and decided to combine our gifts this year. My fiance bought his son two video games, a pair of shoes, 3 pair of jeans, a bunch of sweatshirts, socks, a dvd, an MP3 player, and some other little things. I bought his son some sweatpants, sweatshirts, pjs (that he really wants), two video games, a board game, two dvds, a digital camera (not an expensive one). My fiance had asked me for some ideas of what I'd like for christmas. I figured we wouldn't spend more than $100 on eachother so I told him about a ring at a local jewelry store that was $40, an electric blanket, a pair of boots his son has that I like (yes we wear the same size!), earrings, cute underwear, and most recently after adding songs to the MP3 player he got his son, I told him I really liked it and that might be a good idea for christmas. These are just some ideas for him.

 

Well, he went shopping for his son on saturday and only spent $150 on him (he'd already bought some stuff before this) so he had $200 left over. He then bought himself an MP3 player, new tires for his truck, and some other little things. I had gotten him an MP3 player for christmas and told him this when I found out he'd bought himself one. So he said he'd take his back and buy my present. He spent $30 on his Mp3 player so he was using that money to buy my gift. He bought me a phone. Now at one time I did need a phone because my cordless phone never stays charged. So I can never hear the phone ring because it is dead. So yes, this is useful. But who wants a phone from their fiance for christmas? Its such an impersonal gift. He told me the other day that he still wants to get me something else for christmas but i bet he doesn't even do that. He said he'll probably get me a gift card for Wal-mart. I don't even shop at wal-mart except to buy groceries sometimes.

 

He said he doesn't want to buy me jewelry because I have enough (he bought me a ring for valentine's day but it was only because his son wanted me to have a ring) and then he bought my engagement ring and two years ago he bought me a $300 diamond bracelet for christmas. All HIS idea. 3 years ago he bought me a birthstone ring.

 

I know that christmas is not about the gifts and I should be happy with anything he gets me. But I'm worried this is about something bigger. I'm worried he doesn't care about my feelings or about what I like and its about him and what he thinks I need. Or that his feelings toward me have changed and he thinks of us as an old married couple and doesn't have to do anything nice for me anymore since he's already "got" me. I mean just 2 years ago this guy went out and saved a lot of his money and bought me this beautiful bracelet (way too expensive but it was very thoughtful of him) and now he buys me a $20 telephone? I know its not based on money but the thing is I don't really NEED a phone. When we move I've told him we won't have a home phone (not sure he was listening) so it will be useless in a few weeks. I feel that he doesn't want to do anything sweet for me anymore.

 

When I asked him what he wanted for christmas he gave me all these expensive ideas like a flat screen tv, a tree stand for hunting, and all the smaller things he wanted he just went out and bought for himself. He later told me he was just joking about the expensive gifts and to just get him clothes. I had already gotten him the Mp3 player and so I bought him 3 sweatshirts too. Originally I was going to get him a nice digital camera (he's wanted one for awhile) along with the MP3 player and some new work boots and a nice jacket and some other stuff. But I know it would make me feel bad if I gave him all that stuff and he just hands me this telephone. I know that makes me sound immature because christmas isn't about what gifts you receive but it makes me feel like he doesn't really value me or doesn't feel the need to put any thought into things for me.

I would be happier if he just made me a handwritten card that said something sweet than getting a phone. So its not just about the $.

 

I'm just thinking this is something deeper and that he doesn't appreciate me, he doesn't value me and the fact that I am like a mom to his son and that I love them both so much. Its like he is taking me for granted again. Last year at Christmas I got him a nice pair of Carhart coveralls for work. He really needed them. They were expensive but I was so happy to give him that gift. He was really suprised and liked them. He gave me a $25 gift card to a restaurant we got to and didn't even take me himself. He told me to invite a friend. So I thought this year he'd try a little harder to find a nice gift. Or at least a meaningful one. I even suggested that he take the gift he got me back (he doesn't know I know what it is) and get me an MP3 player because I really liked his son's. He said well too bad you should have told me before I took mine back (the one he got for himself that he took back because I told him I'd already gotten him one) so basically he's telling me I'm not even worth a return trip to the store even though he just went back there the day before to return his son's shoes and get a different size.

 

I know I am probably over reacting and my reaction doesn't have to do with the christmas present so much as I'm questioning how he actually feels about me. I mean, I do so much for him and his son and just feel that he doesn't reciprocate. He will do nice things once in awhile (he made me brownies the other day after I asked him to) and we have fun together and everything but I feel like I'm a sugar mama or something sometimes. (and he makes the same amount of money that I do and I have a car payment and he doesn't.)

 

In my defense, I grew up with my family always giving loads of gifts to everyone and finding the perfect gift for each person was the goal. So I grew up thinking gifts= love. and I know thats not the case and I should be grateful he got me anything.I can remember my mom getting upset that my dad just bought her all these pens and file cabinet things that she really didnt' need because it wasn't a personal gift. I've always had SO's buy me cute underwear or some type of jewelry or clothes they know I would like or something I collect. But my fiance seems to be saying he doesn't want to buy me anything I suggested instead he'll decide what I need. But its such a huge change from what he used to do I'm wondering if he's just not that into me anymore?

[hotgurl]

Lexi,

this has nothing to do with the gifts and everything to do with your relationship with him.

 

But also he may not be buying you a lot because of the canceled wedding. HE may still be pissed about that.

 

Did he have to eat the money? OR did oyu guys get any of your deposits back?

 

BTW what is going on in regards to that?

[lexi29]

Lexi,

this has nothing to do with the gifts and everything to do with your relationship with him.

 

But also he may not be buying you a lot because of the canceled wedding. HE may still be pissed about that.

 

Did he have to eat the money? OR did oyu guys get any of your deposits back?

 

BTW what is going on in regards to that?

 

 

We got all of our deposits back except for $500 of his. He did receive about $1000 back. The minister kept his entire fee and the dj kept his deposit. I had to pay for the wedding cake (about $300). So yes he could be irritated about that but he hasn't shown it in any other way. We have now said when we are ready to get married (meaning ME) we will just go to the courthouse.

 

I know its not about the gifts. I feel he is dedicated to me but it feels like he's just not that into me anymore (not talking sexually or anything, that is fine) like we are already an old married couple or something.

[MadBambi]

Hmm...all i know is that some guys just suck at buying gifts. They just get practical or remotely thoughtful and things that they may have heard women are into. I'm not sure if it reflects how he feels for you. After the ring, bracelet, and moving in he's probably thinking how can i top that? Maybe i'll just get her a gift card and she can pick something out - that way i can't lose!!

 

I don't really know - i've never been a man but my guy friends think i have manly ways n' thoughts at times. Even still he could just be pulling your leg and planning to get you something awesome. Keep us posted!

[hotgurl]

We got all of our deposits back except for $500 of his. He did receive about $1000 back. The minister kept his entire fee and the dj kept his deposit. I had to pay for the wedding cake (about $300). So yes he could be irritated about that but he hasn't shown it in any other way. We have now said when we are ready to get married (meaning ME) we will just go to the courthouse.

 

I know its not about the gifts. I feel he is dedicated to me but it feels like he's just not that into me anymore (not talking sexually or anything, that is fine) like we are already an old married couple or something.

 

well you guys have been together for a while.

 

I think it could be possible he resent the fact that you are not married. That is why maybe it feels that he is not into you so much anymore. Have you guys talked about things or did you just sweep it under the rug?

[lexi29]

Hmm...all i know is that some guys just suck at buying gifts. They just get practical or remotely thoughtful and things that they may have heard women are into. I'm not sure if it reflects how he feels for you. After the ring, bracelet, and moving in he's probably thinking how can i top that? Maybe i'll just get her a gift card and she can pick something out - that way i can't lose!!

 

I don't really know - i've never been a man but my guy friends think i have manly ways n' thoughts at times. Even still he could just be pulling your leg and planning to get you something awesome. Keep us posted!

 

 

I know he's not pulling my leg. He really did get me a phone (he was dropping hints about what it was and he wanted to give it to me that day instead of waiting for christmas but I told him to wait. He doesn't know I know what it is but I KNOW because of one of the hints he gave me.

 

yes, I know that some guys are bad at finding gifts. My guy friend is horrible at this! His nepwew wanted a hunting game for his playstation and I told him about this really fun one and instead he got him a race car came where you build your own race car. This kid is 16 and really into hunting games but instead of getting him something you know he'd love, he got him something HE thought was cool. However this guy friend has always gotten me thoughtful gifts. Another guy friend will just ask everyone what they want and buy something he picks out (and its pretty funny) one year he got his 30 year old sister (she wanted jeans) these jeans with sparkles and rhinestones on them that looked like a 13 year old would wear them!

[lexi29]

well you guys have been together for a while.

 

I think it could be possible he resent the fact that you are not married. That is why maybe it feels that he is not into you so much anymore. Have you guys talked about things or did you just sweep it under the rug?

 

 

He could have resentment toward me because we did not get married. I have asked him about him not being into me as much anymore and he says "YOU are the one who cancelled our wedding twice" so he thinks he should feel I'm not really into him anymore. Our sex life is fine so I haven't noticed that lacking but he just doesn't seem into being sweet or always wanting me around anymore. I rented a great ocean front home next year for a week of vacation with my parents, sister etc. Of course I want him and his son to go. I told him about it recently but he said if he takes a new job he won't have vacation and he won't have the money to go. But a few weeks later he talks about how when he gets his tax return he wants to buy his son this $2500 go kart. So if he just used some of that money he'd have more than enough for vacation (he could take $500 or something). I have no idea how that will turn out.

[lexi29]

I am thinking about telling him to just take back whatever he got me (he doesn't know i figured it out) and buy his son something else or buy his parents something. They watch his son for him M-F so its the least he could do. I talked to him today at lunch and I asked if he was going to buy his parents a gift card for xmas. He'd said last week he'd probably get his parents and me a gift card. Well he said he doesn't know if he will have the money to do this but if he does have extra money he will get them one. If not, I guess they will get nothing from him.

 

I am also thinking if he doesn't like that idea and still wants to give me the phone as my gift, I will just give him the MP3 player I bought him and maybe one of the shirts I bought him and take the rest back. That way I won't feel bad giving him like five gifts when he just hands me the telephone. I know that sounds selfish and I should just give him what I already bought him but I know it will upset me that he just didnt' seem to put much thought or effort into finding a gift I'd like. I'm not asking for diamonds, here I just feel like I don't mean much to him anymore because after he bought his son's stuff he had $150 left just from the money he saved for xmas. And he buys stuff for himself and only manages to buy my probably $20 gift because I had bought him an MP3 player and he had to take the one he bought for himself back and used that money (it was only $35) to get my gift. I know I have no right to feel this way but the whole situation just upsets me.

[2sunny]

wooooooow nellie, slooooow down!

 

take a deep breathe - for goodness sakes this is Christmas!

 

stop worrying about what YOU'RE going to get and start THINKING more about the gift of giving.

 

yes, it's nice that you are both giving to his son... but how much does this child need? his parents help with his son - so the most obvious solution is to appreciate them and their participation in the son's life.

 

when it's not all about YOU - you will be happy... right now this doesn't look happy to me.

 

take his son out and give a few gifts to less fortunate kids in your area. you are missing the TRUE meaning of the holiday spirit and that is why this all seems so backwards.

 

the fact that you are questioning it is great! that means something needs to change in order for it to end up differently. there are times in my family where we don't exchange ANY gifts - but we totally conspire on how to bring Christmas to others that have NOTHING! this is so rewarding... and way better than all the STUFF we think we need. those aren't needs - those are wants. big difference.

 

consider what the priority for the holiday is for YOU... then you will know what needs to be done to correct your attitude.

 

if you really want to be a giver - take the son out and buy his Mom a gift - i'm sure he's worried sick whether or not his Mom will have any holiday or presents. this will allow him to rest easy knowing she's not the forgotten one.

[2sure]

You know, with the gift reference in the title I avoided this thread....I thought it was about bf not being thoughtful or spending enough...not important issues to me.

 

BUT it isnt.If he was out XMas shopping for his son and you. And bought thie son's gifts and not yours thats one thing. But instead of buying something for you, he shopped for himself. (and NO the phone was a token, an after thought)

 

His priority is: His son. Which is A-OK. And then Himself. And then you, kind of.

 

Add this to the fact that he has asked you if you wouldnt mind if he took a permanent paycut , leaving you the main bread winner for him, his, and you before you even move in together (your other thread)...

 

He obviously loves you, I am sure your relationship is a priority to him...but he seems to think its ok if you do most of the work.

[lexi29]

"if you really want to be a giver - take the son out and buy his Mom a gift - i'm sure he's worried sick whether or not his Mom will have any holiday or presents. this will allow him to rest easy knowing she's not the forgotten one"

 

I do donate to toys for tots every year and give to the local angels for animals. As for his son being worried about buying his mom a gift, that really is a joke if you knew his son. He's a good kid but very "me, me, me". My fiance gave him $30 and they made a list of 6 people he could buy for (his dad, me, grandma, aunt, aunt's boyfriend, and grandpa. He called his dad the morning of his school's Santa's workshop (everything is under $3 each) and was bawling and crying to his dad because he didnt' think he'd have enough money left to buy HIMSELF something. So his dad assured him he would have some extra money. So he bought everyone two things (including himself) and even bought his grandparent's 2 dogs two things each (stocking and a toy) but didnt' think twice about buying anything for his mom or his little sister). Wasnt' worried about them but was sure VERY upset because he thought he couldn't buy himself anything.

[lexi29]

You know, with the gift reference in the title I avoided this thread....I thought it was about bf not being thoughtful or spending enough...not important issues to me.

 

BUT it isnt.If he was out XMas shopping for his son and you. And bought thie son's gifts and not yours thats one thing. But instead of buying something for you, he shopped for himself. (and NO the phone was a token, an after thought)

 

His priority is: His son. Which is A-OK. And then Himself. And then you, kind of.

 

Add this to the fact that he has asked you if you wouldnt mind if he took a permanent paycut , leaving you the main bread winner for him, his, and you before you even move in together (your other thread)...

 

He obviously loves you, I am sure your relationship is a priority to him...but he seems to think its ok if you do most of the work.

 

Thank you thank you! You just made me realize what I am so upset about. You nailed it. I am just frustrated because I SHOULD be important to him and he makes me feel like I'm not. Now some of the things he bought for himself he needs- tires for his truck, I totally understand, but the MP3 player was totally a gift for himself.

 

One reason I am so upset today (and probably why my post came off as whiny) is that at lunch today I suggested to him, that if he really wants to take this other job ($4 less an hour) a way he wouldnt' have to worry about not being able to pay for groceries (and me having to pick up the slack) is he could use the money he'll get for his tax return (and stimulus check if we get one). That would be a few thousand dollars. Now he'd planned to use this money to buy his son a go-kart (the one he was looking at costs $4000 but there is one that "only" costs $2500.) So instead he could save this check and he'd have his half of the rent for 10 months and he'd only have to worry about his paycheck covering things like bills, and gas and cigarettes and groceries. Or he would use that money for groceries (which he said he wouldnt' be able to afford with the lower paying job).

 

What makes me want to flip out is that his first response to my suggestion was "well I was planning to use that money for (my son's) go kart"

 

I am so angry at this right now because HELLO! You are worried about buying some ridiculously expensive toy for your kid when I'm suggesting a good solution so he could take the job he wants (and have a shorter drive) and not have to worry about not having enough money to pay bills (or me having to worry about that I guess!). Then he said that we will be married but I am making it sound like we'll just be roommates because I want everything divided in half. Well since there are actually two of them if we were roommmates he'd actually be paying MORE of the rent than me, if you want to get picky. It seems like yes, his first priority is his son which is fine, but don't expect me to pick up the slack when there is an easy solution that allows him not to duck his responsibilities in order to get his son some great toy he doesn't need.

 

I am sure after we talk about this I will calm down and he'll explain that he is ok with doing that (but its his FIRST reaction that I'm cocerned about) I guess with him I am so afraid I am going to end up being the breadwinner or that he is using me so he has a nice place to live. I'm just sick of feeling like this. Things had better change or I'm not going to stay with him.

[2sure]

You know, I agree, when couples try to split things strictly down the middle it always ends up sounding and probably feeling like a "roommate" arrangement. Like it or not. Fair or not.

 

The thing that is screaming here is that he is saying he cant afford to split basic necessities basically because he wants to purchase a luxery.

 

Now, I wouldnt make a big deal of this, on oocassion we all splurge when we shouldnt. But he isnt doing this with his own money , he is doing it with yours (this is true because it is you that will be picking up the unpaid expenses).

 

Because this is the beginning, I would nip this right now. I would'nt go so far as to assume he is taking advantage...but regarding budgeting, expenses, and priorities ....mans got NO skill.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Lexi,

 

He is without a doubt financially irresponsible.If the choice between my H and I was to feed our kids or buy an incredibly expensive gift (which is some what dangerous to boot) we wouldn't even be having a discussion about it. If he isn't interested in splitting the bills 50/50 then tell him he's welcome to pay them all. That is nuts. I could write a check for that right now and not thing twice, but noway to I want my child to take things like that for granted.

 

The video games he's bought for no reason my son has received as gifts (bday or christmas) or saved his own money to buy. He's not doing his kid any favors. How bout starting a college fund for him instead. I don't care how much money you have, spoiling your children unless they have an exorbitant trust fund waiting, is grossly irresponsible. My 11 yo works for his money. Has his own mini business going... you can bet he's pretty careful with it. Decides what he wants, prices it out... and often times more than not will order it off of ebay because it's cheaper than to straight to the store and get it now.

 

I'm angry for you.

[lexi29]

I think I am breaking up with him. I just can't take this. I hate to do it right before christmas but this is just getting out of control. He is actually MAD at me because I suggested him spend that tax rebate check on our living expenses (well not OUR living expenses but his and his son's because I am paying half of everything so his money would be used for his half). He said that he has been planning to use that money for the go-kart and I quote "I'll probably use it way more than he does anyway". So he wants to use his tax return money on a toy for himself, not his son. I mean technically it will be his son's but he knows he'll use it more. He said it is ridiculous of me to suggest he put the money into savings (he thinks I'm implying he won't be able to pay bills and I"ll have to take up the slack which is EXACTLY what I'm afraid of.) He says he doesn't care who pays for everything as long as bills get paid. Said if I wanted to quit my job and stay home he'd be ok with that if he could afford to pay everything. (I don't want to do that but he was using that as an example of how he'd be willing to pay ALL the bills).

 

I brought up that my family is taking a week vacation next summer (oceanfront house at the beach!) and he skipped out on this year's vacation because he didn't have the money to go. I suggested he could take some of his tax return money and save it for this vacation. He said he doesn't like vacations and doesn't really care for the beach so he sees no reason to go (not a priority) I said well I am going and you should want to go with your family (his son and I if we are married at that point) and he said yes he would enjoy that but if he can't afford it then he's not worried about missing it. That really hurt me. Why would I marry someone who won't even set aside $500 so he can go on a vacation with me???

 

I have had it. I am going to his house tonight and hopefully I will stick to my guns and end this. Hate to do it right before christmas and maybe i"m overreacting but this just hurts. I did tell him to take the phone back (told him I didn't plan on having a home phone at our new place and he said he wanted one. So basically he just bought himself a christmas present and put my name on it. I hate him right now.

[lexi29]

Lexi,

 

He is without a doubt financially irresponsible.If the choice between my H and I was to feed our kids or buy an incredibly expensive gift (which is some what dangerous to boot) we wouldn't even be having a discussion about it. If he isn't interested in splitting the bills 50/50 then tell him he's welcome to pay them all. That is nuts. I could write a check for that right now and not thing twice, but noway to I want my child to take things like that for granted.

 

The video games he's bought for no reason my son has received as gifts (bday or christmas) or saved his own money to buy. He's not doing his kid any favors. How bout starting a college fund for him instead. I don't care how much money you have, spoiling your children unless they have an exorbitant trust fund waiting, is grossly irresponsible. My 11 yo works for his money. Has his own mini business going... you can bet he's pretty careful with it. Decides what he wants, prices it out... and often times more than not will order it off of ebay because it's cheaper than to straight to the store and get it now.

 

I'm angry for you.

 

 

He is now saying that he never meant to imply that I would have to pick up the slack but then in the same breath he asks me what if he takes this lower paying job and uses his tax return money to suplement his income (pay his half of the rent for 10 months) and then after the ten months he is making the same amount of money would I kick them out or something once that tax return money runs out? Of course that answer is no, but if he wasn't planning to depend on me to pay a few more bills why would he ask that (even sarcastically). It would just p*ss me off to no end if I had to pay hundreds of dollars of his share of the bills becasue he was working a lesser job (but one he enjoys and is closer) and then he gets this huge rebate check and blows it on a toy that costs more than my car is worth!

 

And his son is a spoiled brat. It has gotten worse in the last year or so for some reason. He used to be sweet but now I feel he needs a good spanking. He knows that if he demands something from his dad he will get it. I've warned my fiance that when he's confronted with an immature angry 16 year old who HAS to have a new car (and will probably refuse to work to pay his insurance) he is going to regret the way he treats him now. that once he grows up and dad's money runs out he will probably end up hating his dad and running to his mom (his mom never gives him anything and he doesn't expect it from her. She made him a cd one time and he loves that cd and was very happy with it. But he's so used to dad buying him everything he wants that he doesnt' appreciate anything dad does anymore. Just expects it.

 

I do buy him a lot of stuff (mostly I'll bring him apples or snacks but occassionaly I'll buy him a video game or movie or rent him one,and he's always very gracious with me, says thank you! and hugs me. When dad does the same thing all he gets is his son to stop screaming and whining about wanting whatever it is that he wants.

 

this year he wants a quad for christmas and a lap top. He said he's going to be very upset if he doesn't get these things. well he's not getting them (but I know if my fiance could afford them he'd run out and buy them for his son) There's going to be one very unhappy little boy on christmas morning. Also the other day he told his dad "you don't love me" because his dad would not go out and buy him a new video game that very second. I told him "love isn't about presents You don't have to live with your mother do you? That means dad really loves you"

 

He is VERy spoiled but the whole family is to blame. His aunt (not really his aunt but his mom's friend) bought him this motorized orange county choppers bike last year (which I felt bad about because his dad could barely afford to get him a regular bike for his birthday) but I'm off topic here. Yes, his son takes EVERYTHING for granted. Buy himself that he HAS to have (he will cry for days because he NEEDS whatever the latest thing that caught his eye is) and he grows tired of it in a week or so. Funny thing is he never expects anything from his mother. She gave him one birthday present in the last five years (he is 9) and it was three weeks late. He never asks her for anything. He knows better. But he knows he can pull his dad's strings and dad will buy him anything.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, if dad is going to buy these things anyway, then why not atleast let the child earn the money from him. I expect help with certain things in the house, but extra things like weeding the garden, I throw up a price. I've got $40.00 for someone to weed the beds, do you want the job or should I call one of the other boys. Since S doesn't like physical labor he'll say call 'em UNLESS he's saving for something he wants.

 

Help the child to make choices by allowing him to earn his money and choose how he spends it. When you do that though you can't turn around and buy them what they don't have money for!

 

You're right about the mom thing. They learn very quickly what you're willing to give in to and how to manipulate. My S has a best friend who is one of 5 and the other's have VERY special medical needs. There family is wonderful but strapped to the point that McD's is a major treat (he actually said, thanks for hte burger but you didn't have to buy me a drink too!). I love to spoil them when he spends the weekend. We do movies, bowling, nice restarants (I hope to invite him to Disney world if the trip pans out) It took about a month for my son to figure it out and to start abusing it... or rather, asking for very special treats in a bratty manner. Basically I told him that whom ever chooses the event pays! That shut him up pretty quickly.

 

Sounds like your fiance is trying to make up for him not having his mom.

[lexi29]

He is trying to make up for his mom not treating him well, but even more dangerous, he's trying to give his son the childhood he never had. My fiance was one of six kids and they didn't have much money. Never went on vacations, only got toys at Christmas and once in awhile on birthdays. At 14, my fiance had to get a job. Also he says they only had enough clothes for one week so they had to wear the same stuff to school all the time and he got picked on. So I understand he wants his son's life to be totally different but he overdoes it. Its weird because it's just in the last two years or so that he's really gone overboard. Before that he would take his son a lot of places (we'd go to the park, movies etc) but didnt' really buy him stuff except for christmas and birthdays.

 

But the year and a half or so he buys his son every single thing he asks for. I spoil him too but not nearly as much as his dad does. For example, my fiance just got laid off. He literally has $5 till he gets his last paycheck today. His son wanted Mcdonalds (he can walk there) so his dad gave him $3. That is enough for a small order of chicken nuggets or two double cheese burgers or a hamburger and small fry and maybe a small drink. Well his son comes back and demands more $. (I had just got there when he came back) He said he needs $7 more (total $10) so he can get some food. I told him no, even a kid's meal is about $4. His son says he HAS to have a 10 piece chicken nugget meal with large drink and large fries.( He never eats fries and he won't eat more than a few chicken nuggets) his dad says no (only because he doesn't have the money). His son storms out the house crying. He calls his dad a little later and tells him to ask me for the money. his dad refuses. Son comes home and asks me for money. I tell him that he only needs $1 more for a kid's meal and I will give him that but thats it. He says no he NEEDS $10. I say no. He says I have the money and he will go through my purse. I say don't you dare.

 

Subject is dropped. My fiance starts digging thru change trying to come up with more money to give his son. I told him to stop. I tell his son I will call Mcdonalds and find out how much a kid's meal is and we will give him the exact $ for that. Take it or leave it. He screams that he needs $10 for a large meal. I said ok, you yelled at me, you aren't getting any money now. If you are rude I'm not going to be nice. He doesn't say anything. A little later I suggest that we have chicken nuggets in the freezer and dad can make some of those. Son is fine with that and eats about four of them and is happy. Now, if I wasn't there, his dad would have gone through the couch cushions to get enough change (even after he told him no,) to get him exactly what he wanted if he could because his son would have demanded it and whined about it for the rest of the night.

 

Suprisingly, after I told him no, instead of being angry at me, he was very sweet and affectionate. After dinner he cuddled with me on the couch and held my hand and was a little sweetie (something he hasn't done in a few months). So I think he actually LIKED that I set limits for him. That he couldn't boss me around the way he bosses his dad around. When I left last night he told me he loved me like 3 times and he hasn't done that for awhile either.

[2sure]

You know what Lexi?? Some people are just not good with money. It is just not a skill they have. I have brought many skills to my marriage - but not that one. It has been a problem. My H is good with money, so now he just handles everything. Because I am aware of my lack of skill, and not because he is "the boss" - I rarely make large purchases, rarely purchase anything on a credit card, and if I have a big bill come up I hand him my paycheck. He doesnt ask for any of this, but to be honest, I appreciate him being there to handle this stuff for me.

 

FREQUENTLY one partner handles the money either because the other cant or just because its easier to budget, etc. And it isnt always the major bread winner. Handing over your paycheck is not a burden, its something many couples do to budget succesfully.

 

My H loves to travel and we do quite a bit. I love it too, but would have to admit its easy for me to do without. I am fortunate right now, and we live well, but I have to admit the years of being a single mom kind of gave me a comfort level with being broke. Fortunately H does not share this!

 

I wanted to point these things out to you because they don't HAVE to be deal breakers...as long as you handle the issue the right way. And it doesnt mean your bf is a beast, or lazy, maybe he just doesnt posess this particular skill. He needs to recognize that you do and be thankful one of you does! You need to recognize the skills he does bring and point out that you appreciate them.

 

While I'm at it....don't break up with him for XMas Lexi! To be honest, from your other posts...it sounds like you typically get your shorts in a bunch around the holidays (no offense, same way here)...maybe everything just seems magnified right now.

[lexi29]

I totally understand that some people are just not good with money. And thats fine. I have never had a late payment on anything in my life, always pay my bills first before I buy any extras. My fiance's moto is that he finds a way to pay his bills (doesn't plan but gets it done) He actually balances his checkbook to the very last cent. He figures it out so his balance is exactly the balance the bank has. I have no idea how he does that (except he doesn't subtract the money until the bank cashes the check) I on the other hand never have a balance anywhere near what the bank says I do. Because the instant I write a check I count it as money I no longer have even if it hasn't been cashed yet.

 

If he would hand his pay check and bills over to me we'd be fine. NOt so much worried about that but I am VERY worried about his judgement and his priorities. How can he talk to me about being afraid he's not going to be able to pay his share of the groceries if he has to take a lower paying job but in the same breath still plan to buy a $4000 go-kart for himself and his son???!!!! That blows my mind. And when I talked to him about going on vacation with my family next year (trip already planned, house already rented) he says he won't have the money (yet he's getting a $4000 tax return and it might cost him $500 to take this trip with us as all he'd have to pay for is food and any souveniers etc) And yet he doesn't want to touch his tax return money to save 10% of it so we can take a great trip as a family. So that tells me that FAMILY (ie me joining the family) isn't that important to him.

 

And the odd thing is he's always said he wanted to take vacations before. We went away three times for a weekend this summer (once with his son) now I paid for all three times (the accomodations) so maybe he only likes to take vacations that are paid for? and he was supposed to go to the beach for a week with me this summer and didn't . He was planning on it (so he claimed and I believed) up until a few weeks before when he said he didn't have the money to go. So that is why I wanted to make sure this year he'd be able to go- talk him into saving money from his tax refund check- but he seems reluctant to do this.

 

You are right, I do get stressed out around the holidays but I'm so angry at him right now because he just seems to make everything all about HIM. It feels like we're not in this together. We had everything planned (how to split bills etc) and now he is saying he just agreed with me (to split 50%) because that is what I suggested and he just went along with it. He says he doesn't care how we split the bills as long as they get paid. That he thinks we should each be responsible for certain bills. I really don't see how that if fair because if the electric bills is always around $200 a month and the cable bill is only $40 how do you decide who pays the more expensive one? Also things like I don't want or need a home phone but he wants one? So who pays that bill? I know it should be OUR money if we are married but he isn't talking like its going to be "ours" because I have NO say at all in how he spends his income tax return obviously. I mean he got upset with me because I suggested using it for practical reasons (to buy food!!) instead of accepting that he wants to blow it on a toy. Which is totally impractical. So at this point, I don't care if I break up with him around christmas. I would hate to hurt his son. But really don't care if it hurts my fiance.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Suprisingly, after I told him no, instead of being angry at me, he was very sweet and affectionate. After dinner he cuddled with me on the couch and held my hand and was a little sweetie (something he hasn't done in a few months). So I think he actually LIKED that I set limits for him. That he couldn't boss me around the way he bosses his dad around. When I left last night he told me he loved me like 3 times and he hasn't done that for awhile either.

 

Lexi,

 

Kids love adults who responsibly, and lovingly enforce limits. It keeps them from spiralling out of control. I think you handled that wonderfully.

 

My H by the way grew up exactly like yours it seems. One $10 - 20 gift for Christmas, 5 kids. NO hamburgers, pizza's, nothing! They were a hard working loving family. The boys started paying rent at 14. He doesn't see it as a bad thing though. He will tell you that that is exactly where his incredible work ethic comes in.

 

I"ve read other of your posts and it seems the arguments are mostly about money. Sounds like something that you might be able to work out.

[redfathom]

My H sucks at getting gifts. There have been times where for our wedding anniversary or my b-day I got nothing...there have been other times where he has gone all out planning my b-day or x-mas gifts. Even this last V-day he did something nice.

 

Needless to say we have every different views on gifts and holidays. He grew up as a Jehovah Witness and so he doesn't have the memories I have as a kid when it comes to holidays and birthdays. So I am understanding of this.

 

I have to say though that his gifts are like $500-$1000 where he spends around $100 on my gifts.

 

One year I wanted earring for my b-day, I even showed him which ones I wanted, and he got me a Gameboy, hahaha! It was a very nice gift and he said I would get more use out of it.

 

Now we seriously just buy our own gifts...and agree with the other person what it will be.

[lexi29]

I know that some people are not good gift givers. My issue isn't that he sucks at buying a nice gift- he has bought very nice gifts in the past. But the last two years he just sort of bought me something dumb and didn't put any thought into it just as a placeholder, I guess. It is not about money- he's had the money to buy something if he wanted. Its about the lack of thought that went into it. Like I am an afterthought.

 

He doesn't buy his parents anything either even though they watch his son every single day after school. I shouldn't be this upset so I know the issue is something deeper. He doesn't buy presents for any of his friends or family other than myself and his son (sometimes he gets his parents something but not the last two years). I just feel that he bought me really nice thoughtful gifts two years in a row and then the last two years it's like he could care less. Thats the part that bothers me. He just doesn't do sweet or nice things for me anymore. But I know if the tables were turned and I didn't get him anything he would be bummed out. I know for a fact he expects/hopes for something nice FROM me for christmas. Last year I gave him a mix cd of his favorite songs that I made. He liked it but was like "thats ALL you got me?!" as though he was disapointed. (I had actually gotten him a pair of coveralls for work that he really needed and wanted but I hid them and didn't let him find them till later).

 

It doesn't matter, I told him I know he bought me a phone and that I was telling him now he should take it back because I don't plan on having a home phone so I have no use for it. Tried not to be a b*tch and told him it was a nice idea but unfortunately I don't have any use for it. He said he'll just keep it them for himself if he ever needs one. Said he will try to buy me something else but isn't sure he'll have the money (he'd have an extra $20 if he took the damn phone back)

 

He just makes me feel like he's not that into me. I mean he still wants to marry me, but he is just so lax about things that have to do with me. He went to our new place today (which is about ten minutes from where I work) and he could have called me and stopped to see me at lunch time (time he was there) Instead I called him at lunch and he told me where he was and why and I said do you want me to stop over? and he said he didn't care, I could if I wanted to. He was there asking the neighbors if they knew of anyone who could watch his son in the mornings before school. (so obviously he's still planning to move in together) I went to see him and asked why he didn't just call me (if I hadn't called him I'd have never known he was in the area) to have lunch together and he just said he didnt' think about it. I just think he's taking me for granted again and I"m tired of it.

[Mary3]

He's Cheap !

 

He handles money poorly.

 

The reason he thinks of your gifts as an afterthought is because you ARE an afterthought. After 12 gifts for his son totaling hundreds of dollars and nice gifts for himself , you get whats left over. A 20 dollar phone.

 

You THINK this will change in the long term . ? NOT !

 

And by the way you cancelling , he feels fully justified in feeding you crumbs for xmas.

 

He loves trips YOU pay for. If he pays its McD ;s time....happy meals...

 

I wouldnt touch this cheapo with a 10 foot stick.

 

Oh and the son is way over spoiled. He wants everything yesterday. When I was a kid...well you know the story. We got next to nothing .

 

He also is OVER compensating with his son. He is UNDER compensating with you.

 

Nobody wins. Well at least you dont....

 

YOU did the RIGHT thing cancelling this wedding.

[crazy4you]

Seems to me like he's being a bit cheap and focusing on himself over you. I'm sure he loves you and all... but as a guy I know that women notice little things like gifts very much. That's why I got my gf a ring this year. They love that stuff. A phone is nice and all...but if he was listening to you he'd have gotten you an MP3 player (and MAYBE jewelry if he had money for it). Who knows... he MAY surprise you with something better on xmas (I love doing that for my girl) but if he doesn't it just shows that he's not listening to you.