NYgirlinLA Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I recently ended a 10 month relationship because my ex was emotionally unavailable and couldn’t jump into the relationship with both feet. After going through this experience, I don’t find anything remotely sexy or attractive about emotional unavailability and will never get involved with anyone like that again. But this break up is one of the hardest for me even though I walked away. If he would just have let me fully in, it would have been the perfect relationship. I am just curious: Has anyone been in a situation where they ended a relationship because their partner was too emotionally unavailable? Was it harder to move on because even though you were the dumper, you walked away still emotionally invested? And for those who were dumped for being emotionally unavailable and really cared about the person, did you experience any feelings of loss or were you able to move on fairly quickly becuase you keep your emotions at bay? I guess my question is, in this situation are the roles reversed? Does the dumper really feel like the dumpee and vice versa? PS- for those who saw my post yesterday, I didn't call or send him a card for his birthday yesterday. It was sad, but I feel it shows strenght in not doing it.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Can you go more into depth about your opinion of emotional unavailability? What do you define as being emotionally unavailable?
MadBambi Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Have just recently ended a relationship (9 months) due to emotional unavailability, in addition to jealousy, possessiveness and manipulation though. But yes its been very hard to move past it. Most days i'm like ok, well i can't really miss him because he wasn''t really there, you know? But other days i feel like there's still something behind the whole thing - and i feel as though there's still for me the unanswered question of why? Why is he this way? Why didn't he do this or that? I won't ever know.... Even though i've walked away i too felt it'd be the perfect relationship IF he didn't act so unavailable but girl that's a big IF and it ain't goin anywhere. It's a lot of men out there and someone somewhere will grant you and me both the relationship we've been looking for....without the IF aspect!
Author NYgirlinLA Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 They don't, won't or can't commit to a full relationship. Or they may profess to love you and care about you, but they don't follow through with believable behaviors that make you feel wanted and secure around them.
Author NYgirlinLA Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I agree MadBambi!! He wasn't jealous or manipulative, he was a really great guy who just couldn't be vulnerable. And he told me that when I ended it. I just wonder how I could have stayed in the relationship for so long thinking it might change, or why he stayed for so long knowing he wasn't going to change. Whatever - coulda, woulda, shoulda. I am moving on, but this whole experience has fascinated me and I am curious to hear from others.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 God, it scares me to death to think that I may not have been emotionally available to my ex. I was hurt from losing my first love, and although I was over her, the damages still existed. So I may not have been all I could be. And I was facing depression... I did love my ex and I told her that... and I drove 100 miles a week to be with her... and I talked to her as much as I could, but I still can't shake the fear that I may have been emotionally unavailable. This makes me sad that I may have done that to my recent ex of 12 months. If I did, then man, I'm going to hate myself. You don't have to reply to this, I'm just thinking out loud. Not trying to hijack this topic...
stoneymirror Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I think this topic is a bit biased. Emotionally unavailable? what does that really mean... And you're blaming someone for not giving enough of it to you? It's like you're blaming the breakup on him only and not taking any sort of responsibility yourself with the way things developed. Personally I've been in relationships where I probably was emotionally unavailable. But remember it takes two to tango. from my experience I become emotionally unavailable due to insecurities about the relationship. If I feel like you've deceived me, lied to me, or maybe we just haven't communicated very well then it's perfectly natural to pull away and not be emotionally available. Obviously this ex of yours wasn't very comfortable in the relationship and that's a failure on both your parts. I think if anyone runs into these sort of issues, to not wait and then out of the blue dump someone. Rather it's best to actually talk to your partner and let them know how you're feeling. Sometimes two people are just out of sync with one another. but without open healthy communication the relationship will become distant and cold and emotionally unavailable. I wish you the best of luck NYgirl, but I really believe that this was probably the result of bad communication, and issues that weren't fully resolved. Maybe this guy was just a lame duck, I don't know, but I do know it takes two people to work things out. Relationships take a lot of work and if you can't get down to the level of talking to your partner about your insecurities you won't last for long. That's just my 2 cents.
Author NYgirlinLA Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I agree. Communication is key and we did communicate. This was not an out of the blue thing - it took lots of work and lots of talks for me to make my desicion. DSM, his situation was like yours. It had to do with past damages with his divorce. Does anyone think people who don’t allow themselves be emotionally dependent on anyone even feel a sense of loss once a relationship ends?
Eve Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I was involved with someone who was very emotionally distant because his former partner had left him. He was a nice person but I found that because he was so reserved with his emotions I had to keep things flowing. In the end I didnt like how I behaved when I was around him, so I ended things.When I finished with him he became really interested in me but I had moved on by then. He was too much hard work! Regards,Eve xx
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 If he is anything like me then hell yes he feels a sense of loss. I'd have taken a bullet for my ex, and it was like climbing from the pits of the infernos and darkness of hell when I lost her..
silentcharon Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I was invested in someone who were not available for a long time. I was heads over heels for him, even when he told me I was wasting my time on him. I finally left because I could not stand it anymore, feeling so unwanted and I realized that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. Guess what happened? He asked for more time and that he would commit. I said no, because it only told me that he was willing to commit now that I was leaving. I saw that even if I gave him a second chance, a whole new host of issues would come up- ie: did he commit because he didn't want to be alone, or did he really love me? etc. It hurt like hell but it wasn't worth it. Like you, I will never get involved with someone who won't commit.
9Lives Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I totally understand what you have been thru. Some of it was his damage self and the other could be just who he is..... I have learned. Love is not fair. Love is not fair. Just because you have been doing right by your mate...does not mean they are going to be yours forever or do you right. You dont have to do anything to get dumped. Tell them keep it moving b/ch.....Im done too. And get on with your life. They sucks.
Author NYgirlinLA Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 It's sad because an emotionally unavailable person will not be able to give the next person any more than they gave the last one. He told me this was a cycle for him and he didn't know how to fix it. Well, people don't change unless they want to. It's not our job to fix something that we didn't break. They have to do their own emotional work, and with past issues such as his, it might take consistent therapy to allow himself to be vulnerable. I am done lugging around all of this broken stuff, and am ready to find stuff that works. We have both kept NC for about 2 months now. No outreach from either side. So he has probably moved on, or is being respectful of my needs and won’t contact me since I made it very clear to go our separate ways unless he was ready to give it his all. Just wish I could stop wondering if someone as emotionally unavailable as him even feels a void now that the relationship is over! Not that is should matter anyway… I really like this forum and hearing from others! Any other similar experiences? How did you get through it?
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I'm going to therapy in Jan. I gotta get through this. You shouldn't be so hard on someone who's emotionally unavailable. They've been through something tough. You should be more empathetic instead of just criticizing them for not being able to provide for you. That's selfish. If he saw you as selfish, then there's a chance he won't miss you. I wouldn't miss someone who wasn't understanding. But by the same right, I wouldn't go into a relationship without first explaining the situation. Which I did. If the other chooses to be with you despite the warning, then you cannot blame the emotionally unavailable (or in my case, somewhat emotionally lacking) individual.
Eve Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I hope that therapy really helps you DSM. If anything I think its important to take time out when a person has been hurt in order to avoid awkward relationship problems. My hubby took time out after his ex wife left him and his boys. We met 18 months after their split. He was divorced by then and had completed a lot of healing. He was able to fully give me his heart at this point and well the rest is history. I think that if a person is really hurt they should be responsible and hold off from involving another person who will more than likely want more than what they can actually offer. It just doesnt work and is especially unfair if when they are hott.. Regards,Eve xx
Woggle Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 When a man leaves himself emotionally vulnerable it puts him in a very weak position and can really mess him up when a woman takes advantage of that vulnerability. I just don't realize why more women can't understand this.
xero Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Yeah, well my ex told me that 3 months ago she was emotionally unavailable...now she's telling some other guy she loves him. I wonder if she knows what that means...
alwayssme Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Right now I would say I'm definetely emotionally unavailable and for that reason i don't bother with relationships. If your ex was feeling anyway how I'm feeling, I wouldn't say he doesnt care about you, it just simply means that maybe he wasnt ready to open his heart again because he hasnt completely healed.
Author NYgirlinLA Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I think you are right Alwayssme. Thank you!! DSM - I was nothing but understanding and soooo not selfish. I was using the thread to vent a bit. Anyway, at the end of the day I know how I handled our situation, and I handled it and with nothing but love. And I know he will look back and remember that too.
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