PerfectLee Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I’m getting married at the end of January and my 4 bridesmaids have known about this date for the last 8 months. When we all went to get the girls fitted for their dresses, I surprised them by paying for all their dresses. They were shocked to say the least and questioned me. My reasoning is pretty simple. The way the economy is right now, and with the holidays here, I decided to cut them a break. I knew they were all stressing about how they were going to pay for the dresses plus alterations etc. So I told all of them “It’s my pleasure to pay for your dresses, but for every event here on, I would hope you would all pitch in your part and pay for the rest.” They all excitedly agreed and I specified what I meant. From decorations to food to anything else I needed in the process. I’m having a very non-traditional wedding and decided to do many things the complete opposite of what tradition has shown. I’m not sure what to do and I’m asking for any suggestions. My problem is now that my wedding is 1 month away, for the Bridesmaid Lunch I paid my own tab ($12), all 4 of them just cancelled to attend my bachelorette party, 2 cancelled the pampering/spa session I planned, and it’s all because of money! As anyone knows, planning a wedding isn’t cheap, and we booked this wedding prior to knowing how bad it was going to get. I don’t have money to pay their way! We’ve been doing absolutely everything on a budget, from asking a family friend to do the photography (it’s free for us) to shopping at the dollar store for the little things. The dresses were inexpensive & we shopped around prior to making a final decision, I’m not upset about that-it was my decision, but now it’s backfiring on me. How am I supposed to have the wedding of my dreams when the people who are supposed to support me cannot financially pitch in their part?
disgracian Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 As long as they are all there on the day, nothing much else should really matter. If they truly can't afford all these other activities you are planning, what else can you expect? Times are tough and you have to cut people some slack. Cheers, D.
Geishawhelk Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 The choice to pay for their dresses was yours. You offered and they were, as you put it, "shocked to say the least". However, not everyone is finding finances easy to handle. If they have difficulties - That's your emotional problem. And their practical one. They cannot honour the bargain. Because it was only a bargain, not a written agreement. I'm afraid you're going to have to bite the bullet and, as they say, 'suck it up'. If you remain friends with them, good on you. If you permit this to tarnish your friendships, then it would be a shame to think you base these friendships on something which in the end, is hardly life-threatening..... Try to have a good time anyway.
OWoman Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 How am I supposed to have the wedding of my dreams when the people who are supposed to support me cannot financially pitch in their part? It's the wedding of YOUR dreams, not the wedding of theirs; I'm sure they're supporting you as best they can emotionally; but I have to agree that putting oneself on the breadline to subsidise a friends dreams of a lavish lead up to what is essentially a big party isn't the kind of demand a true friend should be making. Sure, you didn't plan for the financial downturn - perhaps it's time to get them all together to look at resizing your wedding aspirations to cut your fantasy suit to suit your economic reality cloth. If you want them to be at some of the ancillary activities but they can't afford it, that's a reality you need to face. Either have tose activities alone - or with others who can afford them - or decide that they're less important and can them. Getting bitter and twisted about your friends' inability to meet your financial expectations in a financial decline is only setting the scene for stress and heartache.
quankanne Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 it sounds like the problem isn't that people are in a financial bind and she's totally oblivious to that fact, but that these women she counted on to be her moral support don't even seem to be trying to be there for her. the spa/pampering thing is a bit much when you're pinching pennies, even though it sounds heavenly ... my larger concern is that these women seem to have ditched the prospective bride by not giving moral support because they are concerned about money. I know I'd be just as thrilled with a low-key, inexpensive events as I would be with something that's over the top, simply because my friends thought enough of me to do them for me.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 From decorations to food to anything else I needed in the process. I've never really heard of the wedding party pitching in for food or decorations. I've also never been to a bridesmaids luncheon that wasn't paid for by the person who planned it (never the bride ). I've heard of the spa pampering but that also was planned by the wedding party, not the bride. Typically, the only expense that the wedding party incurs is their dresses or tuxes, and gifts for showers, and hosting an event should they choose. It is wonderful if they can be of moral su pport and help the bride with decisions or errands but seriously should NOT envolve months of being at the brides beacon call. My mother paid for the brides dresses also, because she wanted to. She also paid for lodging for the out of town brides maids and their families, as well as a breakfast for the wedding party and their families and all out of town guests on the day of the wedding, in which my aunt stood in for her as hostest. Since I had a load of showers I made it known to them that they would be invited to all of them, but that they should pick and choose which ones they wanted to/ could fit in their schedule to attend. Being part of a wedding party should be an honor, not a financial burden or a several month sentence. It was very nice of you to buy their dresses but choosing how they will need to spend their money for your wedding isn't very friend-like. Best wishes to you and your fiance.
nittygritty Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 The bridesmaids aren't supposed to buy the dresses they wear in your wedding. Traditionally your parents are supposed to foot most of the wedding bills but more modern wedding etiquette includes both the bride and grooms parents paying or the bride and groom paying for their wedding themselves. Put your focus on having the marriage of your dreams and scale back to a budget that you and the groom (and/or your parents) can afford.
2sure Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I think the fact that you paid for their dresses was very gracious! However, I would think that asking them to instead pay for decorations and food would only cost them MORE money. But maybe not, like you said you were being creative. I am assuming that your bridesmaids threw you a bridal shower? One that they planned and attended? Were there any other showers they also attended? The addition of a Bridesmaid Luncheon AND a PAMPERING/SPA DAY, is perhaps something they had not previously considered. Unless they planned these days FOR you....these extra obligations are not something a bride should plan herself and require others to attend or pay for. Is it possible that they would not have minded the extra obligations so much, and would have enjoyed them more...if they had been able to plan something themselves, with their own budget in mind?
Author PerfectLee Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Thank you all for your insight! I should’ve been a little more specific in my original post (I apologize), but the pampering/spa session is something I planned and it’s FREE! I won a contest & was able to invite my whole bridal party. So why they’re not coming…maybe because it’s planned the same week as Xmas & they can’t make it. The food and decorations…I meant for the bridal shower specifically. The other major thing is that my parents are passed on, so I have no financial support from them. One other thing is at the Bridal Luncheon where we discussed the details of the wedding; my Maid of Honor’s spent a lot of money on her drinks, her tab came to $50! My tab was the smallest of everyone’s, and I’m seriously not going to complain over $12. My complaint is that 2 of my girls can spend $ at the bar several nights a week and then complains about money. I can’t tell them what to do with their money, it’s not my place. My fiancés family has put in a couple thousand to help us out with expenses so far. Being part of a wedding party should be an honor, not a financial burden or a several month sentence. That’s what I’m trying to avoid “IfWishesWereHorses”, thank you for that. In no way do I want them feeling financially obligated to me. if they had been able to plan something themselves, with their own budget in mind? 2sure-thank you, but apparently my girls don’t really have a budget, they’re in the negative. I’ve realized that just because I don’t have financial support from my family, doesn’t mean my GF’s should be obligated to it. ...but that these women she counted on to be her moral support don't even seem to be trying to be there for her. Quankanne-I think you nailed it on the head. With 2 of them making this wedding into a Keg Party I feel…USED. They’ve made comments like “I’ll bring the champagne to the pampering session!!!” and “Ohh we’re supposed to take pictures after the ceremony? Well what about the cocktail hour? Ohh that’s for the guests? Well, I’m gonna go get some drinks in me before taking pictures!” and “Can’t make it to the bachelorette party but we can go to a bar and get tanked!” Sure...I love to party, but every event's focus shouldn't be a sloshy wasted tanked beerfest event! I'm afraid you're going to have to bite the bullet and, as they say, 'suck it up'. Geisha-I think you’re right. I feel like this wedding is becoming about everyone else, not me and not my fiancé.
quankanne Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 honey, if you're anywhere in easy driving vicinity of East Texas, *I'll* join you for your spa-pampering party ... and even let you have my wine you know, that really does suck ... I know it being a holiday week things get busy, but dang, what better reason than to take a break then? Do you think the company that offered the event will let you do it on another day? Or, maybe you invite some of your relatives (favorite aunt, cousin, niece) to indulge with you? not to be ugly, but just HOW old are your gals in your wedding party? From some of their comments you shared, they don't seem to be mature enough to understand that not everything is a cause for boozing it up!
Author PerfectLee Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I love wine!!! I'm in California though.. My Maid of Honor is 30 and the other one is 23. The other two are 25. They have all been in weddings and understand the role of a bridesmaid. This isn't new to them, but this is ALL new to me. I've never been a bridesmaid, so maybe I'm naive in my thought process.
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