buffaloman Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 My ex and I were college sweethearts and had a great relationship for four years. We hardly fought and were extremely committed to each other. However over the summer after senior year things went sour. We both became frustrated with things and we had so much going on in our own lives that our relationship fizzled. We both became tense and angry but I thought it was something we could work out. Towards the end of summer she told me it was over. She was unhappy and said that things just weren't working and she didn't think they would ever work out. But a week later she wrote me a letter saying that she needed two months to get her feelings together. We sent emails a couple times during this period and then we finally got together to talk about things. She told me she wanted this to work but she needed to take baby steps back into the relationship. But this is where all my problems are. For the next month we only saw each other twice. During this month she said that I could call her but when I did she showed no interested so I only called her a few times. Also during this month she never called me. The following month we saw each other once a week. Whenever we saw each other we always had a good time. But we only talked on the phone once a week and that was to plan to do something. And she didn't seem interested in talking online and always cuts our conversations short. During this time I have sent her flowers, made dinner at my house, and have tried to do cute things that I use to do in the beginning of our relationship. It has been about three months since she said she needed to take baby steps back into this relationship and five months since she first ended it. During this time we have only made out once and thats it. Nothing else. I haven't asked her about this situation because I did that once and she became defensive and didn't want to talk about it. It has just become really frustrating that I am trying so hard and trying to make this work but she seems to just be content on not being serious again. But that is killing me because I don't know how much longer I can handle this game she is playing. To me if you love some one and want it to work you would be with them. You wouldn't just see that person once a week or once every two weeks. I mean things have gotten better between us but they aren't even close to where they use to be because she hasn't allowed them to. I am really just looking for advice and I'm sorry if this is jumbled but a lot of things haven't been making sense to me right now. I appreciate any advice anyone can give me. Thanks.
RecordProducer Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 To me if you love some one and want it to work you would be with them. You wouldn't just see that person once a week or once every two weeks. I agree with you. Cut her off. If she doesn't run after you, she doesn't want you.
datingmum Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Step back quietly and watch. Seriously. If you don't make a big deal out of it (feel like it's totally THE END and force that horrible sad period again) then you will be able to maintain your dignity and sanity. Just step back and watch what she does. And by that I mean, literally, stop dead in your tracks. No phone calls, no texts/IMs/wall posts/pokes/drive bys/you get the picture. If she doesn't respond to this wake up call (at the very least ring you to find out what's going on!), there is your answer. That's the time to cut bait. Maybe she's just gotten to comfortable knowing you are there! Some of the best advice ever is "Stop Trying!". And when they come back, if they approach with negativity and it's confusing and upsetting you - like 'why didn't you call', forward to reasons why you two can't work out - then roll with it. Just smile and agree! Agree with everything! And in a convincing way, no sarcasm! Stay cool! You're in control because you know it's their way of saving face. Repeat the magic sentence after Homer MacDonald (an author of a good book on divorce): You know, I preferred that things would have worked out between us, but you're right! You're absolutely right, there is no future, it's hopeless. We want different things" Thank you Homer! But the key is, stay cool and observe. After a bit, if things don't look positive (you may not like the cut of the person you find standing before you, they may no longer be the same person you thought you were in love with), you will know what to do and will be less torn, more nostalgic.
datingmum Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Brainwave: Is this girl waiting for a proposal? Has it fizzled because she was waiting on you to help add some shape and definition to your joint future? Because it suddenly struck me that it is the sort of game a girl might run if she wants to know where a long term relationship is going. Here's the strategy from the girls team (all of this assuming that she isn't seeing someone else you don't know about): 1. Tell them you don't think it will ever work out between you 2. Step back (and the clue in there is how she emailed you saying she needed two months to get her feelings together - ie still keeping the door open) 3. Never call him, make him call you, value your time 4. See if he gets it and runs after you But perhaps this is way off base and as a disclaimer - not all women do this, of course, but there are many many bestselling books out there that advocate this strategy. "Why Men Love Bitches/Marry Bitches" and "The Rules" if you're interested.
datingmum Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Just remember too: You're a cool, loveable, fun guy! You sound sweet and charming! Remember that! You're in your prime!
RecordProducer Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Step back quietly and watch. This is great advice. The entire post is very enlightening.
stoneymirror Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Brainwave: Is this girl waiting for a proposal? Has it fizzled because she was waiting on you to help add some shape and definition to your joint future? Because it suddenly struck me that it is the sort of game a girl might run if she wants to know where a long term relationship is going. Here's the strategy from the girls team (all of this assuming that she isn't seeing someone else you don't know about): 1. Tell them you don't think it will ever work out between you 2. Step back (and the clue in there is how she emailed you saying she needed two months to get her feelings together - ie still keeping the door open) 3. Never call him, make him call you, value your time 4. See if he gets it and runs after you But perhaps this is way off base and as a disclaimer - not all women do this, of course, but there are many many bestselling books out there that advocate this strategy. "Why Men Love Bitches/Marry Bitches" and "The Rules" if you're interested. If any of you girls out there are serious about your man and are questioning his commitment, DO NOT DO THIS. This is childish and downright stupid if you ask me. Probably the worst advice I've ever seen on these forums. REALLY. Why on earth would anyone test their man like this? It's complete nonsense. The girls that do this are totally manipulative and obviously aren't mature enough to open communication. Talk about living out a lie. This is awful. And what man with any sort of self dignity would run back to their ex after something like this. You have to be out of your mind. Unless you're a manipulative, deceiving girl who wants nothing more than to control her boytoy then by all means go on and try this out. I can guarantee that many of you trying this tactic will ruin the relationship, especially if your man has any real self worth. Games are meant to be played by children, not two loving adults who are trying to make a life together.
stoneymirror Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 One more thing... I guess I get a little ticked off, knowing girls even try this sort of manipulative crap. My ex dumped me saying the same sort of stuff. out of nowhere I get dumped. And on top of that everything that came out of her mouth was so contradictive. I love you, but I can't be with you. We're too different. I didn't have these feelings last week. Am I self sabotaging this relationship. And in the end she said she'd call me in 2 months if everything went well. WHAT??? Well you know what? I didn't go running after her, and I'm glad I didn't. If by chance she was using this tactic it really backfired on her, cause I did love her, and did see us being together possibly forever. But dumping out of the blue and then leaving the door slightly open made me realize this ex of mine must have been totally insecure about the relationship. So I walked and never looked back. Now I'm dating someone new, and I really like her. And you know why, cause if someone says they love you, and wants to move in, and possibly marry you, and then out of the blue dumps your butt. You lose all faith and trust in this person. And personally I wouldn't ever want to go back begging for someone to do this sort of thing to me again. I don't play games, especially when my hearts on the line. If you really love your man, I beg you not to do this. You'll hurt yourself and your partner and you might never get that person back. Then you'll be left constantly wondering WHY, WHY, WHY did I do this. I'm so stupid...
SierraRose Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 It sounds to me, she is testing HER feelings. Keeping you around untill she figures out what she wants. Tell her how you feel; HOWEVER, you have more self respect than to be a doormat. She ought to know by now what she wants. Basically tell her either sh*t or get off the pot.
datingmum Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 One more thing... I guess I get a little ticked off, knowing girls even try this sort of manipulative crap. My ex dumped me saying the same sort of stuff. out of nowhere I get dumped. And on top of that everything that came out of her mouth was so contradictive. I love you, but I can't be with you. We're too different. I didn't have these feelings last week. Am I self sabotaging this relationship. And in the end she said she'd call me in 2 months if everything went well. WHAT??? Well you know what? I didn't go running after her, and I'm glad I didn't. If by chance she was using this tactic it really backfired on her, cause I did love her, and did see us being together possibly forever. But dumping out of the blue and then leaving the door slightly open made me realize this ex of mine must have been totally insecure about the relationship. So I walked and never looked back. Now I'm dating someone new, and I really like her. And you know why, cause if someone says they love you, and wants to move in, and possibly marry you, and then out of the blue dumps your butt. You lose all faith and trust in this person. And personally I wouldn't ever want to go back begging for someone to do this sort of thing to me again. I don't play games, especially when my hearts on the line. If you really love your man, I beg you not to do this. You'll hurt yourself and your partner and you might never get that person back. Then you'll be left constantly wondering WHY, WHY, WHY did I do this. I'm so stupid... Hey, I'm just saying, this is actually printed material in bestselling relationship books. That's all. You will find this sort of advice all over the forums in different guises. Fair play for the diagnosed side effects. I do believe that most of the women who wrote those books are divorced.
stoneymirror Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Hey, I'm just saying, this is actually printed material in bestselling relationship books. That's all. You will find this sort of advice all over the forums in different guises. Fair play for the diagnosed side effects. I do believe that most of the women who wrote those books are divorced. Ha, of course they're divorced cause they are idiots. No one in their right mind would stick around with someone that plays games like that. Unless the guy is a total schmuck and basically a servant to his girl.
Recommended Posts