lightscamerainaction Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I have been dating a wonderful man for 4 months. We are both 24 and have had sexual partners before each other. We sleep over at each others' places every weekend. But whenever I try to go beyond kissing and fondling he is either unable to (maintain his erection) or doesn't show enough desire to actually try to go all the way. We have had conversations about this. He said the deeper emotionally attached he is to someone the more emphasis he puts on sex and thoughts go racing in his head when it comes down to it and they cause him to lose his focus. He also says he is not very in touch with himself and that maybe he is just backward about sex. He says he doesn't understand it himself, but tells me he does want me. He just needs to get over this anxiousness somehow. He also says he is madly in love with me and has never felt this way with any girl before. I believe him, but we have slept with each other at least 30 times already and I no longer think this is normal. When you are with someone you love who also loves you back, shouldn't the urge be natural? I have never met a man who could suppress it with thoughts, not to mention for 30+ times! I have put on sexy lingerie, given him sensual massages, everything I can to ease him into it without posing pressure. Yet when it comes down to the act, we never make it further than fondling. I know he loves me very much. We are very compatible and he is a kind, honest and loyal boyfriend. Please help me! I'm frustrated and feeling unfulfilled and unwanted. I don't know what to do or expect.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Sounds like erectile dysfunction. I'd bring it up (ha) sooner rather than later. It's probably not going to get better on its own.
flc Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 ED is a physical problem and generally results in no erection, so I doubt it is ED although ED medication may help anyway. I expect he has some issues that are going around in his head that are as he says causing him to be distracted. I suggest he gets some counseling since he will need to get past this if you are to have a meaningful relationship.
Gremio Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 *cough* I'd be a wee bit concerned. I can't get hard and I vomit. Priceless!
LovieDove24 Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Only 24 and isnt hard at the sight of his girlfriend whom he loves in sexy lingerie? Sorry, sounds gay to me. Do you ever get that impression?
Scottdmw Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Maybe he was hurt by previous relationships, and is reluctant to get more physically involved as a result? I know in my case I've seen that the more physically involved I get, the longer and more painful the breakup afterwards. I'm to the point where I'd almost prefer delaying anything past kissing until marriage. My religious beliefs (which I haven't always followed) also point me in this direction, but they've been backed by sad experience.
Gremio Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Only 24 and isnt hard at the sight of his girlfriend whom he loves in sexy lingerie? Sorry, sounds gay to me. Do you ever get that impression? I'm a male, mid 20s. I'll share something that may surprise you. I love sex. I have to say though that with my career, I rarely (if at all) get hard at the sight of a gorgeous woman. What gets me going is the thoughts of her... of us together. Also, if I am sexually interested in a woman, even a kiss can get me going. So please don't rule off the sight of a woman not getting a man hard as gay. I see models almost daily and because of that, you could say perhaps I am desensitized or it's just I have to put off those thoughts purposely and it has altered my own personal mind.
Jellyhead Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 He has ED, probably caused by performance anxiety. It's a psychological thing. Fact is, everyone is different, and while many men have no trouble getting an erection no matter what, others struggle when it's time to perform - and multiple failures don't help. He either needs to see a counselor to help him through this, or he can take some ED medication to regain his confidence. What you need to do is refrain from putting pressure on him or making him feel bad and to allow sex to develop without any anticipation of penetration. This has nothing to do with his attraction toward you, and suggestions that he's gay are immature and ignorant. Look, some women have a similar problem called vagimismus, where their vaginas involuntarily tense to prevent penetration. Whenever a woman has this problem, no-one turns around and says, "You must be a lesbian!" That's got nothing to do with it. Try a few Google searches on this issue (start with "performance anxiety") to get a proper feel for what's going on here.
Author lightscamerainaction Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Thanks everyone for your input! I have actually dated men with performance anxiety, but it never lasts this long, and so persistent! I have also wondered if he has ED but when I asked him if he gets hard touching himself I was shocked to hear him say he does it every other day. He insisted it is different from sex because there is no emotion attached. I just don't get it! In the last conversation I had with him about this I wondered what is going through his mind when he can just push me off him and turn around to fall asleep when I'm naked and kissing him, he said "I guess I'm just weird in that respect, but no, it's not that the desire for you is not there". Um....excuse me? How is that not? I can see someone having problem with ED being frustrated with himself, but if he is, he is hiding it very well. On many nights I find myself frustrated and staring up at the ceiling and he just falls right into sleep. I think he just has low libido. But at 24 and having dated only 4 months? It's a terrible thought about someone I want to eventually spend the rest of my life with...so sad
Storyrider Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 when I asked him if he gets hard touching himself I was shocked to hear him say he does it every other day. Hmmmm.... It is difficult to enjoy a meal when you're always snacking.
Gremio Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Hmmmm.... It is difficult to enjoy a meal when you're always snacking. Not for most men... well in their teens and 20s anyway.
Recommended Posts