still Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Olivia, nickname for my ex. i broke up with her one year ago. i loved her very much, i thought she was the girl i am going to spend my rest life with. Four years of relationship filled with quarrel and pain, because we dont have much in common, we cant carry on a conversation on the phone, she is distracted when i am talking to her, whenever i sent a gift to her her reaction is always disappointing and indifferent she told my father in front of his face that i and her couldnt work out. i can make a long list about how she treated me terribly, and disappointed and hurt me in every way possible. During those four years i got depression and compulsion obssession and received psychological therapy. i never blamed her of my condition. After 2 months of treatment in a mental hospital, i decided to start a new life , a life without her. Because i felt there is no more love between us instead of hate. So i prompt the breakup, she didnt detain. After the breakup, i jumped into another relationship with another girl Hana totally unreadily which i realized later. Hana was my high school classmate, i got a crush on her before at that time, but i did't have the guts to confess my love. i thought i am luckiest man in the world to have her. i spent two very happy months with her, but a few weeks later when one of my friends told me she was seeing someone. Suddenly i felt my heart broke into piece, i felt sad, angry, unbalanced. i called her, she told me she was not happy in her new relationship, and i comforted her. Soon after that she told me she broke up again. Then, i felt released again. i keep contact with Olivia, one call per week, then reduces to one call per month. i think gradually she is going to fade away in my life.But one year later, she stops calling me again. i felt uncomfortale and confused , so i called her. She told me that i should stop calling her again, and we both need to move on with our life. i hang up the phone thinking it was the end. A few days later, when i called her, she told me she was with her new boyfriend,"it's been one year, i need to move on now" she said. Then she hang up on me. Since then i felt my life has gone back to the past again. i feel sorrow, anger, fear, anxiety, unbalance, i cant sleep, i feel my life is pointless, i feel i suddenly lose the ablity to hate her and always think of the rare happy time i spent with her. i know this compulsive obssession **** is killing me and making my ****ing brain uncontrollable. So i called my closest friend, i cried, very loudly, to release the pressure that keeps hauting me. it worked, but not very long. The unhappiness and depression infected Hana, and she is pissed off knowing that i still keep in touch with my ex. She cried and called me an a,s,s,hole. i felt extremly guilty and sorry to her, and i dont know how to suppress the compulsion to call my ex again. I tried very hard to control myself not to call her again, but i failed. i felt my whole body was trembling when i dial my ex's number, it got through. i told her how bad i felt about all the things happened resently. She listened and showed indifferece with them. 30th, Nov, the last time i called her, i told her i am going to say something i dare not tell during these years. i cried, i blamed her about all the terrible things happened to our relationship and to me. i asked to change her number so i cant find her again. After that call, i felt released, big time. But whats worse is Hana is trapped in deppression just like me because of what happened, or can say what i did. i felt my life has been once again dragged into a terrible circle. i felt guilty and sorry to Hana. And this depressed emotion drives me to think about calling Olivia agian and i don't know why the F U ck I want to call her again. But it just doesnt quit in my mind. And it's killing me now. i dont know what to do. i feel i wanna kill myself.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Ok man. It is absolutely imperative you seek professional help about this. You are facing a circle of depression, anxiety, and many other things. You cannot continue down this path. It is also imperative that Hana seeks professional help as well. You two are NOT by any means beyond the realm of help. Make sure YOU TELL YOURSELF THAT SUICIDE IS NEVER AN OPTION. SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!!!! SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION. EVER.
Recommended Posts