What do I do now

[tml-13]

My wife of 12 years has cheated. We have two young children and she went back to school to get a post graduated degree. While I was holding down the fort, she was spending a lot of time in the home office.... Too much time. Every time we would go out she would rush to the computer to check her "email".

 

Eventually I started to look at bills and notes on the calendar and got suspicious... I started checking the computer and found out she was having an EA with a guy from highschool that she re-connected with on FB.

 

As I started snooping more the pattern became more clear and I figured out that she was having an affair; plus there were several other inappropriate "chats" with others.

 

I kept my knowlege secret for 5 months... reading every psych and self help book I could get my hands on, having breakdowns and night and not sleeping at all. Eventually I confronted her... she denied and threw me out for a night.... we talked on MSN later and she wanted me to come back.

 

We went to MC and she wouldnt admit to anything. Eventually she admitted to "one time" with the OM - after about 6 MC sessions. Claimed that I didnt "support" her while she was in school, even though I was taking care of the kids, meals and finances.

 

I knew there was more so I kept pressing...

 

MC sessions were going good. She closed her FB account and gave me a list of everyone she chatted with.

 

She has started working as a supply teacher and is generally working every day.

 

Around this time, my mother was sick and had to go for cancer surgery, while she was in the hospital, things were suddenly different... She didnt want to go to MC anymore - was uncomfortable with the councilor.

 

I looked on the computer again... Turns out there were two OM and she was seeing one, an MM when I confronted her initially and was trying to set another liason up.

 

I was pissed... how could she seem so willing to change and make these gestures and then abandon me like that; however I told her again that I was willing to try to work it out, but this time her actions meant more than words... I wanted her to set up an MC session with a new councilor if she wished... and prove that she wanted our relationship to last.

 

2 weeks went by... she wouldnt talk about it and didnt find a new MC... eventually I found one and gave her his card... still nothing... "Not enought time"... "need to build my career"

 

Dont know what to do now... I have sacrificed MY career for her... I make good money but am self employed.. I come home every night to MAKE dinner... and I dont ever go out with my friends....

 

I feel I have contributed to her indescretions... by allowing her to walk all over me for 12 years...

 

Dont know what to do now... lately I have absolutely no feelings.... neither love nor hate...

 

I feel bad for my kids... but dont know what to do... kinda paralized between this and my mother's illnesss.

 

Help....

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry to hear about your mom's illness, cancer SUCKS!!

 

Look, your wife is not thinking clearly, she's acting selfish, she's in an affair-fog. Time for a wake up call! You shouldn't be thrown out of the house, she should leave. If she wants other men, whether it be online or offline, she can do that, but not under the same roof as you.

 

Start standing up to her and draw the lines in the sand. Marriage counselling and fixing the marriage is a must or she's OUT.

 

I hope she wakes up and realizes what she's doing to you, to her kids, to your family. It's like she has no idea what damage she's caused(causing) and until she actually feels and suffers consquences of her choices and actions, nothing is going to change.

 

You should continue doing MC on your own, even if your wife won't go. You need someone to talk to as you have alot on your plate right now.

[Bryanp]

I am very sorry for you but it is abundantly clear that your wife has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. She likes you providing for her while she is able to engage in a single lifestyle by having sex with another man and trying to hook up with other men. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What have been the consequences to her having sex with another man and putting your health at risk for STD's? My guess is that there has been none.

 

You confront her about her affair and she kicks you out of the house? What is wrong with this picture? You constantly set up marriage counseling and she is trying to hook up with other men at the same time? What is wrong with this picture? She is playing you for an absolutely fool because she knows she can continue to engage in this type of behavior because you are doormat and her actions indicate that again she has no respect for you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She has no boundaries and knows you will always accept her disrespectful behavior because she feels you are co-dependent on her. Why are you allowing her to demean you, trick you and humiliate you in the worst possible way? You have totally lost your self-confidence which she encourages by her behavior. My friend I suggest that you contact a lawyer to understand your options. Do you honestly feel if the roles were reversed that your wife would put up with this type of deceit, humiliation and betrayal from you that you seem so willing to endure? If you do not stand up for yourself no one else will. Enough is enough. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

[lost4ever]

Listen to post above(whichway is up)....She is in a fog, she can't think straight right now. But don't start thinking of things as you being walked over for the whole marriage....Talk about it in MC and about the not supporting her in going back to college....these were the same problems in my marriage, we didn't talk about it

[tml-13]

Yeah... I thought about that a lot... but where the hell is my support? I am a self employed consultant and one of the things I didn't mention was that my contract may not be renewed... so, I'm dealing with job, mother and wife issues at the same time... and she still tries to set up another meeting... I so want to tell the OM's Wife (he has 2 kids) but I'm not sure if I'm wanting to do it for his wife's sake or my own satisfaction.

 

Obviously, this is a lot to handle so I'm not sure I'm thinking clear either...

[Athena]

I think you should tell the OM's wife! Firstly, she should know what is going on. Secondly, I bet OM will back off/ drop your wife SOOOO fast when he gets busted for cheating. Then you and your wife can start to deal with your issues, without the OM lurking around.

 

Tough luck if your W realizes it was YOU who told the OM's wife!

[Reggie]

Man, you have a lot on your plate. I am sorry you are going through all this. Right now, I am sure you are messed up as hell. I would be in a psych ward. You are one strong guy.

I went through something similar, with my dad dying of emphysema while I dealt with my cheating wife. She gave me no support and was cruel as can be.

On the exposure to his spouse, just about everything I have read says to do it, regardless of your motivation. Outing the afair to family, work, the OM's spouse etc. are recommended by most "experts" as the best way to put pressure on the affair and bring consequences. It enrages the cheater but, in the long run it is supposed to break the affair in many cases.

Rigtht now, you need to concern yourself with your own well-being. Get therapy and look into meds if you eed them. Exercise and eat , if possible.

And, see a lawyer to explore your rights and options.

Thsi sucks about as much as any hit one can take.

[tml-13]

Thanks Athena.... Just sent the OM a message asking him why I shouldnt tell his wife

[tml-13]

Thanks Reggie... lots of crap going on now... already told her parents... she confessed to them... cant tell mine though-not while my mom is sick.

 

Just getting out of bed is hard right now... I feel really bad for my kids

[whichwayisup]

so want to tell the OM's Wife (he has 2 kids) but I'm not sure if I'm wanting to do it for his wife's sake or my own satisfaction.

 

DO IT. Tell her as it's a sure way of putting an end to this outrageous behaviour. I'm sure there's more that your wife hasn't told you about, I mean, look at what she's risking to be with this guy! And this guy is risking the same thing, a spouse and kids! They need to be busted so this can be resolved one way or another.

 

No, don't involve the OM anymore, directly talk to his wife.

 

Sadly you're right, your mom doesn't need to know this stuff, it'll just make her feel worse.

 

PS I take it you're a Sundin fan? Go Leafs!

[pelicanpreacher]

How old are your children at this time?

[tml-13]

My boys are 9 and 7... and yes whichwayisup... a confessed leafs addict here... and yes, I suspect there is more than just the two OM's.. . not sure if she's really sorry, or just sorry she got caught...

 

Right now, I'm not sure if I really care.

[pelicanpreacher]

It's always funny how the culpable will typically rewrite history to reassign culpability in their assertion of victim status when made to confront their own deeds. That said, your children are far too young and vulnerable to be exposed to the angst that you carry and your mother has her own cross to bear so you must carry this load alone (we're here to support you every step of the way). Your wife, on the other hand, must be made to face the music for she now poses a destructive force in your life. If hers is a dark road that you choose not to travel it may be nigh time for you to make a hard decision about where and how she fits into your future for she may have passed her "use by" date when considering your options going forward.

 

Good luck!

[imagine]

Look, I'm sorry that you have so much on your plate.

 

Betrayed spouses always dither. You need a plan. You can buy "Surviving an affair" By Dr Harley. You can also visit marriagebuilders.com and read the articles.

 

Right now you need to expose everybody in one fell swoop.

 

I think that your wife is planning an exit affair and/or is attempting to get her emotional needs met by someone else. Read the MB article "Why women leave men"

 

Regardless of other factors, you need to put your marriage at the top of the list. Yeah, I know it's hard but it's our job.

 

Please note that MC's have an 84% failure rate and most therefore do more damage than help. This is another reason you have to get on to the marriage builder program.

 

Another thing, from the sounds of your mood, you may well be in depression. Consult a doctor.

[jwi71]

Yup, affair fog. How long has elapsed since her confession?

 

She cannot decide to work on the M or bolt and go to one of her (many?) lovers. Actually as I read this her ACTIONS say much.

 

Answer this: IF left to her own devices, would she find another MC?

Oh - wait. You DID allow her to find another - and she refused.

You then did it for her - and she refused.

What does that tell you because from the outside looking in it screams "F@#k you and this M".

 

So its decision time. Time to decide where to draw the uncrossable line. Where is that? What actions or words would cross the line? Draw it and tell your W.

 

I presume that you wish to preserve the M. If so, TELL THE WHOLE WORLD WHAT YOUR WIFE IS DOING. An affair can only survive in darkness and secrecy - deny it both.

 

1) Tell the OM's W. Provide all the proof you have to HER.

2) Tell her family, tell her friends, tell her classmates, tell her coworkers, tell her friends, tell your church, tell EVERYONE. (In your case, not you mother). Provide them the same proof.

3) Do one and two above for EACH and EVERY OM.

4) Tell your friends, family, coworkers, boss, etc...

 

To save this M, you need friends and family who will support the BOTH of you heal. And you can only do that by discovering who knew what and when. No point asking her friends for help if they supported her A and helped her carry it out. You gotta know where everyone stands. And as a bonus its great revenge on the OM.

 

Speaking of which, telling the world will upset her greatly - and that's putting it mildly. Been there, done that.

 

Then go talk to a lawyer for advice only. Learn the law as it is and not what your friends or LA Law says it is. Pay the fee and talk for 90 minutes. Get a legal advocate on your side. And hire the best one you can. I don't care if he/she costs 750 an hour. Do it.

 

Then, after talking to the lawyer, ask your wife bluntly if she wants to stay married to you. If she says yes, take her cell phone, her computer and other means by which she contacts her lovers. If she needs PC and internet for work or school, then YOU must be present when she uses it. She has NO privacy anymore. And because you told her boss I am sure he/she will reiterate that corporate time and resources are for working, not carrying out an A.

 

If she says no. File your divorce.

 

Like I said, been there, done that. This can be survived - but you gotta draw boundaries and you both have to WORK at it.

[whichwayisup]

She's sorry she got caught. She more than likely hasn't thought this through, what the consquences really are. Losing her home, losing you, her family life as she knows it. Her lifestyle, her inlaws, the whole package. That's the affairyland fog she's living in. Wanting her cake and eating it too. Sneak afew men on the side yet still have the comfort of home, you and the $$ (hate to say it, but it's true.)

[seibert253]

It's obvious she has not taken you seriously and unless drastic action is taken on your part, she will remain the same. If it was me, I wouldn't really care if she changed because the marriage would be over, kaput. You NEED to stand up for yourself and take charge of this situation. She cheats on you, gets caught, and makes you leave the house, BULLSH#T!. This will get her attention; consult an attorney, draw up divorce papers, and when she's away from YOUR home for an extended time, (work, out with friends, etc,), pack up her clothes and sh#t, and put it out on the curb in front of your home. Change the locks on your doors. When she calls, tell her to find somewhere to live, because a lying cheating whore is not a fit mother or wife, and she's not welcome in your home. This will get her attention. When you do finally meet to discuss things, serve her with the divorce papers. If you decide to work on things, set parameters she must keep or the deals off. Do not compromise or back down on these. If she loves you and wants to remain your wife, she will do whatever it takes to keep you. If she doesn't, then it's time to cut bait and find someone who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve

Good luck and God Bless.

[Dexter Morgan]

I kept my knowlege secret for 5 months... reading every psych and self help book I could get my hands on, having breakdowns and night and not sleeping at all. Eventually I confronted her... she denied and threw me out for a night....

 

Oh no the hell she didn't!! She messes around, and throws you out for confronting her? Why did you go? You should have told her to leave. SHE was the one cheating, not you.

 

 

We went to MC and she wouldnt admit to anything. Eventually she admitted to "one time" with the OM - after about 6 MC sessions. Claimed that I didnt "support" her while she was in school

 

Oh there you have it, blaming you, not admitting to her worthlessness, and not taking responsibility for her own actions.

 

Why are you still with her? She won't change.

 

 

I looked on the computer again... Turns out there were two OM and she was seeing one, an MM when I confronted her initially and was trying to set another liason up.

 

Oh geez, enough already. Get a good divorce attorney and serve her ass with papers. Get rid of this cancer in your life and move on.

 

 

Dont know what to do now

 

Divorce her, thats what. Pack her belongings and tell her she needs to leave. She can mess around with other men somewhere else.

 

Don't let her be your problem any longer.

 

 

I feel bad for my kids... but dont know what to do.

 

 

Believe me, I understand the kids part. But you didn't do this to them, SHE did.

 

Unfortunately, unless she is a drug addict or a proven prostitute, or mental/physical abuser of your kids, she will get custody in a divorce. Thats just the shaft that men get. She can screw 100 men in your bed at once, you catch it on film, and she will still get custody if she wants it. And you will get to pay for the priviledge of not seeing your kids on a daily basis. What a deal huh?

 

But that shouldn't deter you. You need to live your life and there is no way you can do that by being with a complete s!ut adulteress.

 

Secretly seek out a divorce lawyer and start the process.

 

if you don't do that, then you are just creating your own misery. This woman is no woman at all.

[In Like Flynn]

Sorry but it sounds like you wife is a square peg in a sea of round holes!!! No matter how hard you try to shove her through she aint going to make it. That is too many attempts right in your face and she keeps trying. Now her excuse is for not starting MC is that her career is too new???? Sounds like she needs you to wait till she is on her feet then she is going to dump you. Heck she has been trying to replace you for some time???

[tml-13]

Ok... so she finally scheduled the appointment with a new MC... its in 3 days... not sure I want to go back to MC...

 

I'm just having a hard time accepting what this will do to my kids - but I don't know if I can physically stomach this sh*t anymore...

 

I hear what you're saying Dex, but... still conflicted...

 

I dont know what I'm going to do yet... but I'm sure as hell not going to decide until after XMas.... I've been dealing with this crap since the beginning of the year... what's another few weeks?

 

If I do decide its over, at least the kids will have a good xmas.

 

Does that make sense or am I just addicted to pain?

[Reggie]

Makes perfect sense. Take your time and think about what you can live with. I'd bet you have to opt out, not only because of the cheating and it's attendant destruction, but, due to her attitude. She seems pretty far gone on the lack of empathy, accountablity and remorse scale. Truly seems like an abuser.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok... so she finally scheduled the appointment with a new MC... its in 3 days... not sure I want to go back to MC...

 

 

I wouldn't either. her actions are too little too late and I don't think there is any amount of counseling on the planet that will cure her.

 

 

I'm just having a hard time accepting what this will do to my kids - but I don't know if I can physically stomach this sh*t anymore...

 

Again, you didn't do this to your kids. SHE did.

 

My kids had a hard time with it at first, but they adjust. And my kids right now are too young to understand infidelity and such, and really, I wouldn't have readily offered up information to them if they were older.

 

But if they ask me when they get older, I'm going to tell them the truth about their mother. I'm not going to lie to them. but I'm not going to say a word unless they ask what happened.

 

 

I hear what you're saying Dex, but... still conflicted...

 

Believe me, I understand my man. You are in shock, you are scared for your kids, you are probably scared of losing your comfortable situation(with the exception of being married to someone so worthless).

 

I was in that situation too. But I realized that my life would be sh#t if I stayed with her. And whatever happens to my kids is of her own doing. I will always be there for them and if it becomes evident that she isn't doing right by my children and isn't giving them the home and sustainence they deserve, I WILL take her back to court because then I'd have a shot at getting them.

 

 

If I do decide its over, at least the kids will have a good xmas.

 

Does that make sense or am I just addicted to pain?

 

It makes sense since I was in your shoes. If it is the divorce process you are scared of, don't be scared of it. It will set you back a few thousand, but you will recover. Take out a loan if you don't have the money.

 

Its a scary thing. But when its all over, you will wonder why you didn't divorce her sooner.