berrieh Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Normally, I cannot worry about things that are far away, but I have basically just figured out why the new boy was potentially being weird (I was not imagining it). He really likes me, but he had plans already in place that would take him away in a year, for an extended period of time, and between that, and his work and lifestyle, he felt guilty asking me to be in a relationship. He didn't anticipate meeting someone he really liked. Basically: He does want a relationship with me and really like me.But he can't imagine changing his plans.Therefore, it would have a shelf-life of a year, though he thinks I'll probably be "sick of him" by then anyway. And who knows? Maybe I will.Part of me thinks, anything can happen in a year, what's the harm. Maybe I will get sick of him. Maybe I'll want to/be able to join him (probably couldn't afford to if I wanted to, and he won't be able to afford to take me and keep all the plans he wanted). Maybe he'll fall for me and change his mind. Maybe we wouldn't have lasted a year anyway. A year is a long time, and this is a fun, sweet, lovely, intelligent guy I just like being around...why not just enjoy it and see? At the same time, a year is a long time, and I'm in my mid-twenties, and I'm not getting any younger...and I do want to get married someday; what if I waste all this time? (I could wind up like those Sex and the City women, and then I'd have to kill myself... Only half kidding.) It's still so early, so I haven't given up on it yet. Why can't I just be happy in the moment? Would you date someone with a likely shelf-life of a year or so?
Isolde Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 If he's truly "Fun, lovely, sweet, intelligent", that doesn't come around too often. If you feel like you're compatible with him and that you aren't just feeling lust, I think you should give it a try. Here's what I think. If you date him for a few months and it fizzles, then you only lose a few months. If you continue past several months, and feel like it's something really strong, then you can take a risk, or break it off. Don't decide the whole thing now. Its not like a job with a contract.
Trialbyfire Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I hesitate to tell anyone to pursue a shelf-life relationship. If you can handle it, then go for it. If you can't, then don't. I forced a shelf-life on my last STR. It was okay for me and not so okay for him. On the otherhand, neither was looking for a relationship in the beginning but he changed mid-stream. The shelf-life was a compromise to entering into a relationship at all.
movingonandon Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 If he's truly "Fun, lovely, sweet, intelligent", that doesn't come around too often. If you feel like you're compatible with him and that you aren't just feeling lust, I think you should give it a try. Here's what I think. If you date him for a few months and it fizzles, then you only lose a few months. If you continue past several months, and feel like it's something really strong, then you can take a risk, or break it off. Don't decide the whole thing now. Its not like a job with a contract. Spread the word, spread the word, spread the word. Relationship would be so much more fun (and with increased likelihood of long term success) if they were started with this attitude on both sides... I feel an honest resentment towards women who start relationships by mapping out the possible way to the isle... (and for the record, I really want to get married; but not like this...)
Author berrieh Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Spread the word, spread the word, spread the word. Relationship would be so much more fun (and with increased likelihood of long term success) if they were started with this attitude on both sides... I feel an honest resentment towards women who start relationships by mapping out the possible way to the isle... (and for the record, I really want to get married; but not like this...) Yeah, I don't really care about getting married in general, but a friend basically said, "What if you miss out on the guy you were supposed to meet because you were wasting your time with this guy?" and I had no answer. I don't really believe in The One or that you can miss out...but what if I'm wrong? I guess I just feel like it sucks to have to be aware of some deadline. I understand the reasons behind it (he's not being a jerk), and what are the odds of it mattering by then anyway? But it is frustrating to know there's already an obstacle to long-term happiness. Not that I know I want that. But now I can't have it! And you know what happens when you can't have something... It either becomes all you want, or everything goes to hell. I think I'll have fun for now, but if I start falling, I'll have to make a beeline...
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 This is an interesting question. I think however way you look at it, with relationships in general, love in general, there are no guaranteed safety nets. In your particular situation, there are odds against it already layed out for both of you so there are a few possible outcomes involved. If you both decide to give the relationship a go and the time comes for him to go away in a year, you will both then have to mutually decide together once that time comes. It can be unsettling to know ahead of time that the person you can see yourself investing so much time in and your heart into, may not be there in a year. On the flip side, something could arise that is not known ahead of time. In other words, there is no crystal ball method when it comes to this but it does help to have reassurance in some form or another. Your sense of reassurance and/or safety net may be different from his and vice versa, it really depends on the two people involved and how you coincide with one another.
movingonandon Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Yeah, I don't really care about getting married in general, but a friend basically said, "What if you miss out on the guy you were supposed to meet because you were wasting your time with this guy?" and I had no answer. I don't really believe in The One or that you can miss out...but what if I'm wrong? I guess I just feel like it sucks to have to be aware of some deadline. I understand the reasons behind it (he's not being a jerk), and what are the odds of it mattering by then anyway? But it is frustrating to know there's already an obstacle to long-term happiness. Not that I know I want that. But now I can't have it! And you know what happens when you can't have something... It either becomes all you want, or everything goes to hell. I think I'll have fun for now, but if I start falling, I'll have to make a beeline... Unfortunately, career/life related obstacles to long term happines are not to be underestimated. Love does not conquer all. been there, done that, didn't even get a t-shirt. As for missing out on "the real deal" while you might be with somebody else, that's a valid concern, but should not be exagerated. First, even for casual relatinships, you are not going to date obvious crap. Forst case scenario you'll date a decent guy you arent too sure about, so it's assumed that you are at least open to the possibility that this actually could lead to something more serious (even though the available evidence at the beginnning does not necessarily point in that direction). From my point of view you can't know for sure if somebody is really not a long term potential unless you date them for at least 3 months. Second, casually dating somebody does not prevent you from "meeting" the one, as long as you are willing to take the risk and break things off immediately once you meet someone who you think "might" be the one.
Author berrieh Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Second, casually dating somebody does not prevent you from "meeting" the one, as long as you are willing to take the risk and break things off immediately once you meet someone who you think "might" be the one. It might prevent me from meeting him since I won't be meeting men on dating sites, etc, as usual, or even flirting with men or going out with new men as I would without a bf. If I am in a relationship, I am not going to be stepping out...even if it has a shelf-life.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Shelf- life relationships are risky. For people who can dish out their feelings and emotions like paper napkins, they can't always take it back as easily. People who map out their emotions like a planned curriculum can just as easily miscalculate as the ones that don't plan. I mean aren't emotions supposed to run on its own course, why plan it so accordingly that you want to know when to love him and when to leave him?
Author berrieh Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I guess I should also add: He has said he could see himself interested in me once he gets back, but that won't be for quite a long time (several months to a year) and, from what I can figure now, we wouldn't really be able to see each other at ALL during, so not even like long distance with visits. So, it's not like we'd keep going LD during. I know I couldn't even if he wanted to... We'd be totally different people afterwards. I don't even like making plans a few weeks ahead of time, so thinking that far ahead - a shelf life for going away and then a potential chance at coming back - makes my head hurt even more.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I guess I should also add: He has said he could see himself interested in me once he gets back, but that won't be for quite a long time (several months to a year) and, from what I can figure now, we wouldn't really be able to see each other at ALL during, so not even like long distance with visits. So, it's not like we'd keep going LD during. I know I couldn't even if he wanted to... We'd be totally different people afterwards. I don't even like making plans a few weeks ahead of time, so thinking that far ahead - a shelf life for going away and then a potential chance at coming back - makes my head hurt even more. He could just as well be keeping you on a hook. If you prefer relationships that runs their own course, it's best to turn your attention somewhere else. Of course you'll never know what happens in a year, but it shouldn't mean you should wait a year for him.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 So he's only going to be here for a year and then is going away, he's not sure when he'll be back but anticipates it to be anwhere from several months to a year and within that time you will not be able to see each other in person at all. Is he going into the navy or something?
movingonandon Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I guess I should also add: He has said he could see himself interested in me once he gets back, but that won't be for quite a long time (several months to a year) and, from what I can figure now, we wouldn't really be able to see each other at ALL during, so not even like long distance with visits. So, it's not like we'd keep going LD during. I know I couldn't even if he wanted to... We'd be totally different people afterwards. I don't even like making plans a few weeks ahead of time, so thinking that far ahead - a shelf life for going away and then a potential chance at coming back - makes my head hurt even more. LDRs are always a bad idea. That said, if a year is the maximum time he'l be away it's not a big deal at all! if it's just a year, this is no excuse to preemptively consider the relationship 'over'. With this newe info my guess would be he has only short term interest in you. Nothing wrong with that, just be aware of that possibility.
Storyrider Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I did this exact thing back in my early twenties. I lived with a guy for a year, knowing at the end of it I was going away to grad school. Nothing horrible happened, but we didn't end on good terms either. It was sort of a wash. In the end I think it de-values the relationship to put a shelf-life on it, and it will never amount to the real thing because you'll always be hedging your bets.
Author berrieh Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Well, I think I've decided what to do. I read somewhere on here that someone had been in a sexually monogamous relationship but still dated others (only had sex with each other and were honest with that partner about who else they were seeing), and I am going to ask him if he would be okay with that. He asked me to be exclusive to him, but I don't think it's fair to me to not date others at all, considering there are obstacles to he and I building a future together. He asked me to be exclusive because he liked me, but then he honestly said he probably should tell me his plans because he felt it wasn't fair to me. He's right---it's not really fair to me. No, it's not the navy. It's something he could theoretically "cancel" or alter but I certainly don't expect him to... it was planned long before he met me and I have no desire to change anyone. That's not fair to him, to expect him to change. I am going to keep seeing him because he's fun, and I haven't met anyone I liked in a long time, but I'm going to keep dating others as well. Perhaps being halfway "taken" will make me better at dating and not leaping into anything quickly... so I'll actually find something more serious. LDRs are always a bad idea. That said, if a year is the maximum time he'l be away it's not a big deal at all! if it's just a year, this is no excuse to preemptively consider the relationship 'over'. With this newe info my guess would be he has only short term interest in you. Nothing wrong with that, just be aware of that possibility. Just a year? Well, we've been dating like a month. So, a year seems like a long time. Actually, I would never be in a LDR with someone who was out of the country for a year. I couldn't do it. So, that's totally me saying that it couldn't work long distance, not him.
Nemo Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 That sounds like an excellent plan for a clingy masochist. Try it if you like, but I would recommend reevaluation of the finer details in, say, a year or so. Good luck.
Author berrieh Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 That sounds like an excellent plan for a clingy masochist. Try it if you like, but I would recommend reevaluation of the finer details in, say, a year or so. Good luck. Well, what would you recommend? Just dumping the guy outright? I don't see how that makes me any happier... I considered it, but I failed to see how it made life better overall. I don't expect to stay with him for a year at this point. I guess just until I find someone who's completely available and not leaving...
Nemo Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Beware of short-term thinking. Invest in the long term, or don't invest at all. Having said that, seize the day. Suck the marrow out of every day in your life, and live in the moment. But remember that short-term satisfaction hardly ever leads to long-term happiness. Then again, why worry about something which may never happen? Expect the worst, but plan for the best.
stefspets Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 When I started dating my current BF, he was finishing his third year of medical school. Next year, he may have to move for residency. I knew that going in, but dated him anyway because we got along so well. We've talked about where he could end up and what we will do, and I've decided to go with him if he has to leave. I guess what I am saying is, if you think there is something good there, then just date him and see what happens. I didn't decide right away that I would move with my BF. On the other hand, if there's no way to work things out to be together and you can't do long distance, then maybe cutting your losses now would be the best approach.
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