Pregnant and hurt...but still reasonable?

[moni007]

I've never opened up my life to an open forum before, but today seems like a good day for it! I need some outside perspective please!

 

I'm 14 weeks pregnant from the man I've been in love with for the past 6 months, usually that would be a good thing but he's married. He wasn't when we first met, he was "unhappily" engaged. We were friends for almost a year, then we crossed the line a month and a half before he got married, although he said he knew he had been falling in love with me for months he got married anyway. He said that he didn't believe it was real between us and he had to do the right thing and follow through with his wedding plans.

 

Three and a half months after he got married he asked to talk to me. He said that I was right, that it was real between us. He had only been married three months and he wasn't happy, he knew he made a mistake and he was worried he's messed it all up for good with me, that it was me that he had been in love with and quote "It was you, it is you, it always has been you". I shut him down and said that I was sorry to hear that, but he made his choice, he decided he was going to marry someone and he did it and I walked away. Problem with that was I couldn't get it out of my head. I couldn't shake it, I knew that although I had moved on and was seeing someone I hadn't completely gotten him out of my heart. I knew he had to have done some serious soul searching to sit me down and lay it all out on the line like that, it took a lot to say he made a mistake like that. So we met again and I laid it out there for him. He knew he needed to handle his situation before we could go anywhere and I called off mine. We agreed not to physically be intimate until he had handled what he needed to.

 

Yes that of course didn't stick, we're human and not perfect. The past 6 months have been tough but good. I knew I loved him earlier but as time went by I knew that it was genuine. We had been friends, he saw all the not so nice moments I had, my stress, my anger, my goofiness, my clumsiness, my "power b**ch" as he called it and he liked me. It was nice to know that someone wasn't trying to be with me to score with the hot chick but because he like who I was. And he wasn't my normal pretty boy metro-sexual guy, he was a man's man who like sports and hunting. But as time went by I knew that it really was real and something that was worth figuring out even if it wasn't under the best circumstances and we both made decisions we weren't proud of to get there.

 

And then I get pregnant, the 1% disclaimer is always a funny joke until it acutally happens to you! He freaked on me, made me feel like it was all in my head, he hadn't been serious, it wasn't anything real and he didn't want the baby. He crushed me and then made me mad which is better because I do better angry then a weeping mess. We've had a tough couple of months since we found out. He ended up telling his wife in Nov but to him the smart idea was to tell her that he had a one time thing with someone and they got pregnant. He didn't even get out the pregnant part before she took off. Little did I know she came back and he didn't tell her about the baby until 2 weeks later, then her family showed up the next day and moved her out.

 

We met and discussed things. We've barely spoken to each other, when we do one of us has gotten upset, the other takes things out of context, tempers flare, emotions run high and it hasn't been productive. But he told me he was in a better place and was ready to talk, he's ready to change how things have been between us. He apologizes for all the awful things he said, he doesn't remember half of what he did during that time because he was so out of sorts and upset. But he said that it was real, he did love me, things were messed up for a while between us but not forever. We agree to have a new starting point, not define it or set expectations but that spending time together again is the only way that we will know how we feel about each other and the situation. The talk was good and we leave feeling better.

 

But I have a nagging question in my head....he mentioned wanting it back when referring to his wife and that bothered me. How could we establish a new starting point if he's wanting it back?? So I ask and he says that he doesn't know if that's what he wants he was just being honest about his feelings which I appreciate. I know that he needs to have a mourning period for losing her, he did love her even if they weren't in love and he wasn't happy, I know he didn't want to hurt her and it's ok that he's hurt. But I can't have a starting point if he thinks he wants to work it out. And although he said he didn't know that he even wanted to do that I push the issue that if he does decide that he wants to reconcile with her he better do it with the whole truth out there.

 

I have a strong feeling about him reconciling with his wife under the pretense that him and I were a one night stand - that bothers me. If he wants to work it out, that is his decision, but I will not be a part of more lies and especially not when there's a baby involved. He didn't see it that way, he felt that he's told her enough awful stuff already that if he decided to work it out he would not tell her that information. He already told her that he cheated, it was him that pursued me and that I got pregnant...but he doesn't see the in between information as something she needs to know. I told him that he can't possibly think he can repair a marriage without being completely honest, why would he want to rebuild something based in part on a lie? So we got into a big arguement and he's upset that we were even arguing because he hasn't decided that he wants to reconcile but that he knows now that he can't even if he wanted to because I wouldn't let it happen, I would tell her everything.

 

Is that unreasonable? Am I bullying him? I don't feel that I am but he does. The whole thing has played out like a Lifetime channel movie but it's MY LIFE and I feel like I am beyond my coping abilities!

[quankanne]

He already told her that he cheated, it was him that pursued me and that I got pregnant...but he doesn't see the in between information as something she needs to know. I told him that he can't possibly think he can repair a marriage without being completely honest, why would he want to rebuild something based in part on a lie? So we got into a big arguement and he's upset that we were even arguing because he hasn't decided that he wants to reconcile but that he knows now that he can't even if he wanted to because I wouldn't let it happen, I would tell her everything.

 

this is a very telling comment you've made, and makes me seriously wonder if he's attempting to play both of you still. Because if he were serious – dead serious – about making things work with her, he'd understand that he needs to be completely honest with her about his relationship with you, otherwise that "reunion" would be based on lies. YOU understand that, and I imagine his wife does too, but he's too dang thick-headed to get that.

 

frankly, this doesn't look good, him trying to cover his butt like this even though he feels he's being "honest" with you about all of this. Are you sure you want this kind of person in your life, esp. knowing that he's got some kind of balls lying to his wife even as he's come "clean" about the affair ... and understanding that if he could do that to her, he could to it to you as well?

 

of course he's going to think you're bullying him, because he has no concept of just how wrong it is to gild over the problem with his wife, and then to try to pass it off as no biggie when he talks to you. Again, I think you realize deep down, this guy is not good, decent material if he's capable of doing this to you AND to her.

[moni007]

I knew by opening myself up to this I could end up getting some big doses of harsh reality, maybe that's what I needed....maybe that's why I did it...I have resisted my feeling to want to defend him, which whooo is hard when you still have feelings for someone. I just want to believe the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt that they'll end up doing the right things....but I guess how can I when he didn't do that for her from the beginning.

[mental_traveller]

I stopped reading when you said he was engaged while you were having unprotected sex with him.

 

If you lie down with snakes, don't be surprised if you get bit.

[moni007]

I do not recall stating that I was having unprotected sex while he was engaged. In fact, no where in my post do I mention unproctected sex, so that would be an assumption on your part. I did however mention the 1% rule is a joke until it happens to you as in condoms are 99% effective leaving 1% for someone to still get pregnant.

[RecordProducer]

So we got into a big arguement and he's upset that we were even arguing because he hasn't decided that he wants to reconcile but that he knows now that he can't even if he wanted to because I wouldn't let it happen, I would tell her everything.

I am going to quote the same part that Quankanne quoted. This proves that he either wants to reconcile with her or isn't sure. But he is definitely not determined to divorce her and be with you. Let's see, you're his true love and he will have a child with you in six months. The situation with you is pretty clear: you have nothing to forgive him. With his wife, he has a history of infidelity at the beginning of the marriage, separation, her family on his back, and no children. Yet, he is seriosuly considering choosing his wife over you and letting you struggle with the pregnancy and motherhood alone. Do you see love here, Moni?

 

While typing this, I am considering your state and how this may affect you. But I can already see you suffer and I think it's very important for you to NOT be in denial and to preserve your dignity. Yes, I would tell his wife everything. But it's up to you.

 

Just keep in mind that he now wants his wife back because she dumped him. When he had her, he claimed he was unhappily engaged/married and he cheated on her. He wants what he can't have. You should dump him too and he'll want you, too. I guarantee you that.

 

I do not recall stating that I was having unprotected sex while he was engaged. In fact, no where in my post do I mention unproctected sex, so that would be an assumption on your part. I did however mention the 1% rule is a joke until it happens to you as in condoms are 99% effective leaving 1% for someone to still get pregnant.

If I were against abortion, I wouldn't have sex in the middle of my cycle or I would use condoms + BC pill. You knew there was 1% chance for you to get pregnant.

 

In any case, you're going to have a baby. Congratulations, Mama! Life is not that bad and men come and go anyway. A few years from now, you won't give a rat's ass about this man and you'll have a child. If I don't see you on this board again, I wish you a happy delivery and a healthy baby. Don't worry too much about this guy. The more you worry the cockier he gets. Show him that he's not important to you.

 

I just have two questions for you:

1. How old are you, if no secret?

2. Is there any motive other than love for him to want his wife back (e.g. money, connections, etc.)?

[xpaperxcutx]

He doesn't seem like he wants to settle down with you. His feelings prove how erratic he is, he chases after the ones that dumps him. He made no mention of helping you raise the baby instead talked about getting back together with his wife?

 

I wonder what was it that made you love him? Morality aside, was he as a much a sweet- talker as he was a bull- s***er? It just isn't fair to both his wife and you. If worse gets to worse, do you think you have the ability to raise a baby on your own?

[moni007]

Do I see love here.....very good question, one that I feel I know from my end but from the other side hmmm....I'm doing my damn best to not be in denial on this, to see things with a clear unblurred view but wow it's not easy. I think that is why I let this intimate, not best shining moment out in the open, what an interesting new type of therapy.

 

I am 33 and that is where the part of this being an especially hard pill to swallow comes into play because I manged to get myself into this situation! We were taking precautions but obviously I am aware that it wasn't enough and for whatever reason this baby was meant to show up. I am pro-choice but it doesn't mean that abortion is for me. I have two children, a year after I got married I was pregnant with my daughter. She wasn't planned and it wasn't an optimal time but I couldn't imagine life without her and so to me this baby wasn't any different. Already knowing what was going on inside me, I couldn't bear to think of any other option.

 

And to the second question, there isn't any motive that I know of for him to stay besides lonliness, him having to cope with being on his own when he hadn't been for a few years. He said that he missed her and was hurt be he didn't know if it was a feeling that would go away in time, he kept saying that he didn't know what he wanted when it came to her. I felt the need to push the issue of her knowing everything if he did decide to reconcile because I wanted to set some boundaries and borders for it, just to make sure that if he was even thinking about it then he would know where I stood. I'm thinking my need to push the issue is sort of highlighting that I think he might be considering it as well.

[moni007]

Thank you that made me laugh - but good point! I actually must be making him sound smoother then what he is! He isn't a sweet talker at all, so when he says that kind of stuff I take it as being sincere. I omitted the parts of our conversation that centered around him being there for the baby, his message on that has been steady since he came out of his freak-out fog. He continues to state that he will be there to raise the chiild, I am not alone on that but it doesn't mean that we will be together as a couple. So my confidence in him on that is okay, it's been the other part that's hurt. If he loved me then how is he so quick to toss it out on the curb when this happened? I'm completely prepared to raise the baby on my own, I've been divorced for 5 years and although I have a great relationship with my ex and he's been here for the kids at times he likes the idea of being a parent better than the real thing so I've had a lot fall on my shoulders. I know I can be just fine on my own, I've just got to deal with the relationship part, the "woman" who was in love with someone and now feels dumped on. Keeping the woman side out of the parent side is something I mastered with my ex and it is responsible for our relationship today, but with this guy it worries me. I don't want to be that woman who didn't get over the guy who wronged her and I become just another example of how women can become crazy man haters.

[RecordProducer]

I felt the need to push the issue of her knowing everything if he did decide to reconcile because I wanted to set some boundaries and borders for it, just to make sure that if he was even thinking about it then he would know where I stood.

Well, if they do reconcile, she needs to know that you were a couple, not a one-night stand. His lie was shameless! And he wants you to cover him.

 

Anyhoo, you sound like a very strong and independent woman. I am 33, too.

Vive le complicated life and us strong women who can hadle it!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

he can't possibly think he can repair a marriage without being completely honest

 

This is just wrong.

 

When the only reason to tell her something would be to sabotage whatever he has, or thinks he has with her, then saying nothing is the only move.

 

You are the wildcard in his poker game. Someone who is a serious threat to go off uncontrollably at any point.

 

But from his angle, the only move is to say nothing, and hope like crazy that you don't flare-up into the middle of anything he might work out with her.

 

Why would he want to stir her up additionally when it doesn't have to happen?

[Pinkstar7896]

To me he sounds like one of those guys who like to have 2 girls..and i bet on anything the lovey dovey stuff he says to you he says the exact same thing to his wife. what u should really think is obviously he isnt ready for noo comitment at all since he didnt even take getting married seriously he just did it to do it..Honestly all i see happening is if you get with him your the one thats gonna "the wife" and see how she felt when he does the same thing to you and he will be telling the other girl "im not happy Im just with her because of the baby". But u know what no matter what happens NEVER EVER regret that baby your having. God blessed you with a baby and if your getting mad and stressing all your doing is hurting your child. Be careful love and i hope you have a blessed life!