I just dont get this guy!!!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I slept with a friend a few weeks ago which I really enjoyed and was hoping something more would happen - friends with benefits at worst or a proper serious relationship at best.

For those of you who dont know I was involved with a married man over the summer which was a very painful situation as you will see from my previous threads, so bad that I thought I could never love again. Getting it on with this guy was ultimately what moved me on from the agony of having the MM just abandon me.

We had messed around several times before over the last few months, just a bit of kissing etc on nights out but I was too pre occupied about the MM to really fall for him or take things further.

Gradually he grew on me though and (we were roommates) on his last night here at this house he asked me to sleep his room which of course I was more than happy to do!

I thought something more would happen as after moving out he was writing me nice things on a regular basis on Facebook etc but on a night out 2 weeks after the liason he upset me alot so I went home in tears and emailed him 2 days later saying how hurt I was about everything and how I felt about him and that night we had sex.

 

 

 

 

In a nutshell he said he likes me alot and would get with me but his life is an absolute mess right now - he has lots of issues, here are just some:

• He lost his job and is still unemployed, hence why he moved out of this place and had no choice but to move back with his Mom who he doesnt get on with.
  
• He was involved with a girl a few months back who he thought was his soulmate but things didnt work out and hes still hurting over it and secretly I think hes still in love with her even though shes made it clear shes not interested and has had several boyfriends since.
  
• Hes bisexual and cross dresses.
  
• He has lots of family problems.
  
• He has self esteem issues
  

However the way I see it, everyone has issues and I think if you like someone enough it wouldnt stop you forming relationships. I have said to him I want to be there for him but hes having none of it.

Granted, I knew about these issues when I got involved with him but Im very confused as I dont understand why he would take me to bed and have really loving deep and meaningful sex if he knew nothing else would happen.

I really love this guy to bits, hes cute, kind and fun to be with and we were very good friends until this happened.

Im so upset, he means so much to me and especially as he is the first guy Ive loved since the MM.

So what shall I do - wait around hoping he will sort out the problems and want to make things work with me - if so how long?

I want to discuss this face to face with him but he wont allow me to visit him at his mothers as its like a war zone apparently and he doesnt want me to see him in that state, and he cant meet me as he literally says he has no money to even get the bus.

Hes 21 and Im 27 by the way (although Im a very young acting 27 year old haha!)

[IrishCarBomb]

The writing is on the wall: it will at best be a casual thing, and only on his terms.

 

You cannot use the sex as a barometer for how he feels about you. For men, sexual passion and romantic passion are two different things. One is not necessarily tied to the other.

 

This sounds bad, but it kinda seems like he knew he was moving out, and took his opportunity to sleep with you, knowing that he'd now be distant in your life. It doesn't strike you as strange that he made the advance on the last night in the house? Your willingness to sleep with him seems like he could have done it earlier, but he chose this time because he had a clear way out afterward. Further, the "I need to sort out my issues" is probably true, but also a tool to put distance between the two of you.

 

Everyone certainly has issues, but I think you need to consider your own issues: why you are attraced to these men. A married man and this guy sound like an attraction for men that will abandon you, men that need "help" (i.e. a "fixer"), or your own low self-esteem.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

The writing is on the wall: it will at best be a casual thing, and only on his terms.

 

You cannot use the sex as a barometer for how he feels about you. For men, sexual passion and romantic passion are two different things. One is not necessarily tied to the other.

 

This sounds bad, but it kinda seems like he knew he was moving out, and took his opportunity to sleep with you, knowing that he'd now be distant in your life. It doesn't strike you as strange that he made the advance on the last night in the house? Your willingness to sleep with him seems like he could have done it earlier, but he chose this time because he had a clear way out afterward. Further, the "I need to sort out my issues" is probably true, but also a tool to put distance between the two of you.

 

Everyone certainly has issues, but I think you need to consider your own issues: why you are attraced to these men. A married man and this guy sound like an attraction for men that will abandon you, men that need "help" (i.e. a "fixer"), or your own low self-esteem.

 

You cannot use the sex as a barometer for how he feels about you. For men, sexual passion and romantic passion are two different things. One is not necessarily tied to the other.

 

I just find this so hard to understand, I could only ever get it on with someone I was really into then sex kind of deepens the bond you share with that person, its just such an emotional thing for me and I cannot grasp why people just have random sex ya know? And this guy was very loving towards me, he did spend alot of time just kissing and pleasuring me - its not like it was all over in half an hour, we spent a good 6 hours! And because we were friends prior to the liason I thought I also meant alot to him and that things would go to the next step afterwards.

 

This sounds bad, but it kinda seems like he knew he was moving out, and took his opportunity to sleep with you, knowing that he'd now be distant in your life. It doesn't strike you as strange that he made the advance on the last night in the house?

 

Well we had kissed and stuff quite a few times before and in fact there was a night back in July that I slept in the same bad as him but I wouldnt go further than kissing and cuddling as I was very much in pain over the MM situation and couldnt focus on anything else, I didnt think it would be fair to put this guy in the picture when I was so screwed up and in a very bad place cos of the MM.

 

A married man and this guy sound like an attraction for men that will abandon you

Yeah I seem to have issues within me, I want a relationship but always fall very hard for guys who are not available, do not feel the same or cannot offer me anything.

And Im never interested in the ones that like me!

[xpaperxcutx]

Did he in anyway mentioned he wanted a relationship? It seems you put your emotion into something based on assumptions of his actions and motives.

 

I absolutely agree with IrishCarBomb that men doesn't process sex and and romantic notions together. Perhaps you were looking for someone to replace memories of MM and he came along and did just that. I don't blame you for falling too quickly, but I believe it's always nice to be a bit guarded against falling for the wrong ones.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Did he in anyway mentioned he wanted a relationship? It seems you put your emotion into something based on assumptions of his actions and motives.

 

I absolutely agree with IrishCarBomb that men doesn't process sex and and romantic notions together. Perhaps you were looking for someone to replace memories of MM and he came along and did just that. I don't blame you for falling too quickly, but I believe it's always nice to be a bit guarded against falling for the wrong ones.

 

 

He did make it clear he wasnt over his ex but showed a definate interest in me by kissing me on a few nights out, ending up in bed yet not actually doing anything one night then ultimately sleeping with me and getting intimate a few weeks back. So although he didnt actually say he wanted a relationship he did give me some hope that it may happen.

Obviously he has now made it clear that now is not the right time for him to start seeing someone new but what also confuses me is why he aint come back for a repeat performance, like a friends with benefits situation. I mean that night we spent together was most enjoyable and judging by his noises, the look on his face and the fact that we spent a good 6 hours just pleasuring each other then he held me all night - he enjoyed it too.

Ive made it clear I like him and he knows I wouldnt say no if he wanted to stay over at mine one night, you would think most guys would jump at the chance to get some action, right?