missesrobinson Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Ok, back story. I was with the father of my children for almost 20 years, since childhood, and we are no longer together. My children are in their mid-teens now. I was single for about 6 months and met a man 10 years younger than me. (I am mid 30's) who is established comfortably in life, owns a flourishing business, a home, doesn't drink or go out and treats me with so much kindness that I did not know could exist in this world. I let him know in the beginning (we are together now 1 1/2 years) that I was not of the mindset to have more children, and if that was something that he wanted then perhaps he should reconsider. I gave him time and space to think about it, and he told me that he could be happy with me without having children. (I did not want to date a younger man partially for this reason, he pursued me until I agreed to go for one date...rest is history) Now he is bringing it into the conversation, what our child would be like, how great of a dad he would be, I am the only woman he can see ever wanting to have a baby with. I asked him if he had changed his mind and he told me that he would love for me to have his child, nothing would make him happier. !?!?!? I love him very much. He is a kind and gentle soul. Attentive and loving. A man like this does not come along very often in a woman's life. And at first I felt like I would have to let him go, find someone younger, perhaps, to be a father. But then I began to think that maybe having another child would be a good thing. I love being a mother, my children are my life's blessing. But I associate my (practically) lifelong relationship with having children, and now that is over. I never imagined having children with more than one man. I know that I need to make a decision. I realize that he (my boyfriend) changed the rules. In most cases it would be a deal breaker. He does not want to break up, he will accept any decision that I make. But how do I decide what the best choice would be?
Gremio Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 You stated many positives about the man and said he agreed to your terms, but you never said why you don't want more children. You are young! If you truly love him so, you should normally want to share that bond with a person. There is an underlying reason behind this.
melodymatters Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I think you need to seperate your feelings of love for this, what sounds like, a terrific guy, and REALLY THINK, about how YOU would feel becoming a mom again. on one hand it is one of the greatest things one ever does. on the other it is HARD work, that is basically 24/7 for....well, the rest of your life. YOU need to decide how YOU feel, and then share your thoughts with your guy. I'm married to a much younger man, and this has come up with us too. I'm not sure how i feel either if that makes you feel any better ! ( my daughter is 15 and graduating early, almost freeeeee) but i love him enough i don't want to deprive him of this experience, and i know if i were to become pregnant, i would love the baby as much as i love my darling daughter. Might even give me a new lease on life !?! Only you will know the answer, GOOD LUCK !
Trialbyfire Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 You don't owe him this experience. You also aren't responsible for him missing the experience. Choices. This isn't like getting a hamster, that has a 1.5 year lifespan. Having a child is forever. If you're torn, don't do it. Only if you're all in, will it be fair to everyone. Resentment can grow from being pressured into anything. You were very open and upfront.
Lishy Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 You don't owe him this experience. You also aren't responsible for him missing the experience. Choices. This isn't like getting a hamster, that has a 1.5 year lifespan. Having a child is forever. If you're torn, don't do it. Only if you're all in, will it be fair to everyone. Resentment can grow from being pressured into anything. You were very open and upfront. I second this above advise. You already know that relationships fail, would you be happy doing this alone of the worst happened? Do you WANT more kids (not just for your guy)? Will you be able to cope if (god forbid) the child was handicapped in any way? and there are many more questions to ask yourself You need to do this for YOU and you alone. It is a HUGE decision, and as you know, a huge commitment for the rest of your life.
O'Malley Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 you never said why you don't want more children. You are young! If you truly love him so, you should normally want to share that bond with a person. There is an underlying reason behind this. I see it differently -- the OP needs to take her feelings for this man out of the decision on whether to have more children. Would she want to have another child if she wasn't in a relationship with this man? Would she be fully prepared to be a single parent to a significantly younger child than her other kids, should this man have a change of heart about fatherhood down the line? Anyone conflicted about parenthood shouldn't compromise by having children to bond better with a partner.
Trialbyfire Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 You already know that relationships fail, would you be happy doing this alone of the worst happened? Do you WANT more kids (not just for your guy)? Will you be able to cope if (god forbid) the child was handicapped in any way? and there are many more questions to ask yourself You need to do this for YOU and you alone. It is a HUGE decision, and as you know, a huge commitment for the rest of your life. I see it differently -- the OP needs to take her feelings for this man out of the decision on whether to have more children. Would she want to have another child if she wasn't in a relationship with this man? Would she be fully prepared to be a single parent to a significantly younger child than her other kids' date=' should this man have a change of heart about fatherhood down the line? [/b']Anyone conflicted about parenthood shouldn't compromise by having children to bond better with a partner. Exactly! Children aren't gifts to present to your SO or to cement your relationship with. They're wonderful little people to bring into a world full of love, especially your love.
melodymatters Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 For the record, I agree with all of the above posters, stating that one needs to know if oneself, really wants to become a parent for all the right reasons. Having said that, life can not always be planned via ones blackberry or whatever the cool kids are using these days. i had hoped and prayed, that i would meet a man who could love my D as his own, and want to have more children for YEARS. No luck. Then, when i finally gave up, i met someone who fills that bill, but i might genetically be 'too old". So, I'm probably not the best person to ask, because i feel conflicted myself, but as everyone has stated, make sure YOU want a child, and you are willing to raise it alone. my H could die in a car crash and all statistics go flying out the window !
Enema Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I don't think you should do it... You know you don't want to, you were clear about it when you were lucid, but now your love of this guy is clouding your judgement. You're creating rationalizations for kids in your own mind now that you may not really believe in the long run.
Lizzie60 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 This is a very personal decision.. ONLY YOU can make... If you don't want any more children, then don't... and he will have to live with your decision.. he changed the rule.. not you.. I know I wouldn't have a child just to please a man...
Trialbyfire Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Having said that, life can not always be planned via ones blackberry or whatever the cool kids are using these days. Psssttt...they're called crackberries!
Author missesrobinson Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 and I agree with several points. My main issue with not wanting to have more children was tied in with my children's father, our epic relationship that took us from children ourselves to being young parents and then to ending our relationship. It was difficult, that was my family and now it is not longer a family. If that makes sense. In my mind it would almost be like trying to create another family. I had that, that part of my life in my mind is now over. I am simply not sure that I want to go through all of that again. I have softened to the idea, but I need to keep my perspective.
Lishy Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 You need to just do what is right for you, I understand your fears, I have them too - Dont go into this JUST for your boyfriend is all I am saying Good luck whatever you decide x
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