Letting go is the hardest thing to do...

[LiveandLearn]

First, I'd like to say how great a site like this exists. It's kind of comforting to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. I find that it helps to talk about it than keeping it inside, especially to people that have or are going through similar situations. I've pretty much talked all of my friend's ears off, and since I'm still not over this, I feel the need to continue talking about it. So here I am

 

My husband and I recently separated (again). We've been together for 6 years and married for 5 months. It's been a rough 5 months at that. I admit, we didn't have the PERFECT relationship. Like most, we've had our good times and our bad. The main problems we had throughout our relationship were trust and communication issues, which I know are the most important aspects of a relationship. There were times where I found out he was talking to other women online, or his ex-gf. I'd confront him about it. He would first deny it, then admit to it, then attack me for going through his stuff. Saying how I'm always "Looking for trouble". My response to that is that I'm not LOOKING for trouble, but even still there SHOULDN'T be anything for me to find.

 

So we've had this vicious cycle in our relationship where his behavior would be indicative of my actions and vice versa. He was/is an insecure individual; emotionally needy. I am not the most affectionate person. He never wanted me to befriend any males. His reasoning was always that men and women can't be just friends, and that these men that befriend me always had a "hidden agenda". YET HE would always make new friends that were females. But what's good for the goose should be good for the gander, right? Apparently not. So naturally, I would always have my suspicions of him based on HIS own words.

 

To try and sum it all up, I'd find stuff on his computer/phone, or I'll be upset about something he said or did, no matter if he did it today or last week, then I'd get in one of these moods where I just shut down. I become cold and distant, and am short with him or I'll give him attitude. He'll ask me what's wrong. I'll say "nothing". And so if "nothing's" wrong, then he just thinks I'm a "cold-hearted bitch". I felt bad enough for having invaded his privacy, so I never knew how to bring it up until we argue about something completely different then I'll lay it on him. A lot of arguments always boiled down to me not communicating with him and not being emotionally vulnerable/open/available with him.

 

So fast forward to our marriage. It wasn't until 3 weeks after our marriage did I find out about his relationship with this other woman. Even after I found out I wanted to do anything and everything to work things out with him. I even decided to stay with him and LET him see her on the side to let him "figure out what it is he wanted". But that didn't last long. I couldn't bear knowing he was out with her and coming home to me. So I told him to move out and asked that he not see her until he moves out. But he still did anyway. He'd lie to me and go behind my back to see her. He said nothing physically happened between them until AFTER I found out and that they just had this "emotional connection" before it was all out in the open. Oh, this person he's "in love" with is his boss, who is also married, with 4 kids and 11 years his senior (he's 26 and she's 37). The three of us work for the same company, same building, just different floors. She was even at our wedding and reception.

 

So he finally moves out. I was a mess. I'd pretty much cry myself to sleep every night. I never called/contacted him. But he kept contacting me. He was gone for about a month, until he decided that he wanted to give us another chance. I stupidly took him back. He moves back in. Things were going ok for awhile. We were even shopping for a home. Then I find out one day, while I was away from him for a few hours, he had called her, and this was on a weekend. When we got back together I had told him that he would have to cut all ties with her, which he did agree to. Which I know would be difficult seeing as how they work together. So we got into it again. Then he pretty much tells me that he can't ignore his feelings for her. He thought he could and just hope for it to go away. I was devastated again, to say the least. I mean, why put me through the motions that we were moving forward? Hell, we almost bought a home together! Then I gave him an ultimatum: it's me or her. A day goes by and he never said anything, we spent the day together and things were good. So I figured by him not saying anything, he was going to give us another whirl. But the next day at work, after being able to talk to her, he tells me that he loves me but not to the capability he knows he can love another person. And that it's not me, I shouldn't have to change who I am for him, blah blah blah. So he tells me that he's going to move out come December (because we already had a Europe trip planned in November). He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and that he won't do what he did back in August; he won't sneak behind my back and see her outside of work. So we just lived together/carpooled/slept in the same bed for a month until he moved out. It was disheartening.

 

As much as I know that this is for the best and that I deserve to be with someone that will love me as much as I love him, I would still want to work things out with him, but only for the right reasons of course. I wouldn't want him coming back because it wouldn't/couldn't work out w/ her, etc. We have recently talked and analyzed our relationship over the years. And somewhat agreed as to why it wouldn't work between us. I can definitely say that I have been more emotionally open with him since than I have ever been in our entire relationship, but I guess it's a little too late, right? I still love and care for him. I guess time is just what I need. I never imagined that I'd ever be married more than once. Let alone be separated after 5 months of marriage. I know I need to concentrate on myself and get my sh*t together because living well is the ultimate revenge. I know I need to just let it go, but I still obsess about it, about him and her. I know she's not the problem, just a symptom of the problem. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. But of course, I still hold some animosity towards her that I'm trying to let go. Her husband still has no clue about their affair. And as selfish as it is, I do find some comfort in knowing that whatever it is they have won't end well or as they have planned/hoped. I know I shouldn't care either way and that even IF it does end well and they do live happily ever after, I need to get over it and move on with my life. That's what I'm having difficulty with.

 

Sorry for the rant, and thanks to those that had the patience to read it all the way through.

[TrustInYourself]

Wow, how do you react when you are treated well and respected and your love is valued?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles of the heart. Best wishes.

[LiveandLearn]

Wow, how do you react when you are treated well and respected and your love is valued?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles of the heart. Best wishes.

 

I know It shows that I have a lack of self-respect. My cousin had suggested that I attend a CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting. I have yet to look into it though.

 

And thanks.

[LakesideDream]

I know It shows that I have a lack of self-respect. My cousin had suggested that I attend a CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting. I have yet to look into it though.

 

And thanks.

 

 

When I hear or read the phrase "I need to let go" I shake my head. By the time I hear it, it's obvious to all that the person saying it is holding nothing at all, their hands are full of air.

 

It sad, sometimes tragic. There is no reason to continue thinking there is something to hold on to.

 

Be strong. Next time may be the right time. Good luck and keep posting if you feel the need.

[LiveandLearn]

Thank you! I'm slowly starting to realize that no matter how tight I hold on, it's not going to bring back what's already gone. And even still, I continue to ask myself why I want him back when I've become an after-thought to him and he's told me how "she's the way he's always wanted me to be emotionally" and they've already made "future plans" together. Still, I sit here and replay the past years over and wish for a different outcome. I torture myself by checking his emails and bank account just to see what he's been up to (apparently he's going to San Francisco for xmas weekend, and all I can think of is how they are having a "romantic getaway" and she's going to somehow leave HER family on xmas weekend to meet my husband in SF). I still obsess about it. And I know I do it to myself. I'm only hurting myself by doing these things, but it's hard not to. I have no will power

 

It's a matter of getting my head and my heart on the same page.

[skinman]

LiveandLearn,

 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.. I saw where you posted on my thread so you know what I am going through and Yes ... its hard to let go.. I know that for a fact.. even after my wife told me she hated me and could never think of sleeping with me again... actually what she said was a lot more hurtfull but you get the point... I still hold out hope and have been for almost 2 months... I do know this... it does get easier.. I was a wreck when I found this site but its helped me a great deal....

 

take care of youself as hard as that is .. believe me i know.. do things that you wouldn't normally do live for yourself... time will make things much easier.... Keep strong and know that you have people pulling for you... if you ever need an ear PM me.... i will do whatever I can to help.

[pelicanpreacher]

Now that you've lived the downside of life with a cheating hypocritical liar like your husband use your experience to grow a thicker skin. The nexy guy that runs his game that "You shouldn't go snooping cause you're looking for trouble" ask him if you were in bed and smelled smoke would the prudent course of action be to check it out or roll over and go back to sleep? (Let'm think on that) As to the line "Married women shouldn't make friends with guys cause they always have a hidden agenda" you can now outright laugh in his face if ever he attempts to sell this masquerade by asking him if he was born a hyporcrite or is it something you go to school to learn for he's already backed himself into a deep and inescapable corner on the thorny lies of his own hidden agenda!

 

Let your new partner know upfront that that you will hold on tight to the one you love until their true dark nature is revealed in all its horrific glory whereupon you'll run flinging them from your arms with the envisionment that they are a living mummified leper oozing maggot riddled sores and never look back again. Think of the movie film

"Meet Mr. Black"... (previously depicted as the film

"Death Goes On A Holiday")!

 

Yes, you now know what you know and cannot un-ring the bell so you may as well toughen up and start growing that thicker skin!

[LiveandLearn]

Thanks skinman, I do sure hope it does! There will be days where I am absolutely "fine" and feel like I'm moving in the right direction, then there will be days where I wake up feeling like I'm all alone in a deep, dark hole that I can't crawl out of. I try so hard to keep positive, but then those lingering, depressing thoughts rears its ugly head and always gets the best of me. It's just so difficult to get the idea/image of them being together out of my head. Especially since we all work for the same company. Luckily I haven't run into the both of them since he's moved out. Although I did see that wench last week waiting in the lobbby (I presume waiting for my husband). She just looked at me and smiled, then turned around and paced the other way. It just burned me up.

 

I have this strong urge to somehow notify her husband (don't know how though) but at the same time I don't want any more drama in my life. I figure their affair will unfold on its own and it won't be pretty. I guess I was just lucky enough to find out about it sooner than later.

 

Pelican: You're right. I definitely need to grow a backbone. Sometimes I feel so weak when it comes to him. I feel if he were to come back a week/month from now wanting to come home, I'd take him back too easily. Like I have before.

[quankanne]

sounds like you're clinging to a hope that just isn't going to be realized: Not because something's wrong with you or that you're dumb, just very much a believer in trying to make something as faulty as your marriage has been, still work.

 

and, quite frankly, it sounds like you're still in the grieving process for your lost marriage – reading his email and checking his bank account will only prolong your hurt, so you need to try to stop doing that for your own peace of mind.

 

do you think a part of still wanting to make the marriage succeed is because you feel that if it doesn't, then you're *really* a "loser" because you can't keep this man? I can see how that can happen, especially when someone invests so much of themselve in that relationship and feels that this is one whom you were meant to be with for the rest of your life?

[LakesideDream]

Thanks skinman, I do sure hope it does! There will be days where I am absolutely "fine" and feel like I'm moving in the right direction, then there will be days where I wake up feeling like I'm all alone in a deep, dark hole that I can't crawl out of. I try so hard to keep positive, but then those lingering, depressing thoughts rears its ugly head and always gets the best of me. It's just so difficult to get the idea/image of them being together out of my head. Especially since we all work for the same company. Luckily I haven't run into the both of them since he's moved out. Although I did see that wench last week waiting in the lobbby (I presume waiting for my husband). She just looked at me and smiled, then turned around and paced the other way. It just burned me up.

 

I have this strong urge to somehow notify her husband (don't know how though) but at the same time I don't want any more drama in my life. I figure their affair will unfold on its own and it won't be pretty. I guess I was just lucky enough to find out about it sooner than later.

 

Pelican: You're right. I definitely need to grow a backbone. Sometimes I feel so weak when it comes to him. I feel if he were to come back a week/month from now wanting to come home, I'd take him back too easily. Like I have before.

 

 

LiveandLearn, There is a silver lining in this for you. You can take solice in the reality that you've only been married a few months, and only been together six years. Believe me, it could have been much, much worse.

 

You husband seems like a very disrespectful man. All the usual obviously apply to him. He isn't feeling guilt, or sadness over hurting you. He has his own agenda, his own needs and desires and "change" is not something you should be expecting from him. Even a person like him should have been on his "best behavior" for the few months you were married.

 

I suspect that he married you because you brought something to the marriage that he needed. Something tangible, not emotional. A house, bank account, something. Once he believed he had control of that he didn't resist his urge any longer. I doubt he is capable of feeling "love" in the sense that you do.

 

Time to sever ties, fire for divorce or seek annullment. You appear to be a bright young lady. Odds are you are attractive too. Don't waste any more of your life on a scoundrel like this one. Time is to precious to throw away good after lost.

[LiveandLearn]

do you think a part of still wanting to make the marriage succeed is because you feel that if it doesn't, then you're *really* a "loser" because you can't keep this man? I can see how that can happen, especially when someone invests so much of themselve in that relationship and feels that this is one whom you were meant to be with for the rest of your life?

 

I feel that a large part of me that continues to hold on is scared of being alone. I'm 25, 26 in a week, and for the past 6 years he's all I've known. I didn't really make any new friends while with him, I parted with a few friends while with him and the friends that I still have, have moved out of state. So in a sense, he's all I had/have (except for my family of course). I am trying to get back out there and socialize and make new friends. The other part of me is still in love with him...for some bizaar reason. I think it is because I've vested so much time, effort, and love into this relationship and wholeheartedly believe that he was going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with, that I can't just give up on it, just like that. Then my logical, rational side will slap me in the face and ask me why I'm trying so hard to save a marriage/relationship when he's already given up on it. Then the emotional, weak side of me joins in and takes over. Bah...I'm just full of mixed emotions

 

During our talk last weekend, he said to me that I act as if he just left me and is out there having the time of his life, but in actuality it's just as hard on him as it is on me. I find that somewhat hard to believe though because I'm here, alone...trying to deal with it all by myself, and he's there, already with someone who has replaced my role as his confidant/significant other.

[quankanne]

well, he *might* be feeling a bit guilty about how it all played out, esp. if he realizes how much you've invested yourself in this relationship! However, since he's already made up his mind, he most likely cannot understand why you aren't moving on, too.

 

I can see how you don't want to let go of the familiar: It's scary having to reinvent yourself when you're not willingly wanting to make that change! But again, it's something you need to start doing to get your life on track. The very best part of it is that at 26, you're in a prime position to do this because you've got access to a larger dating pool than if you were 40-something; you have the option to travel with your job without certain other obligations pulling you down. Pretty much, with youth on your side, the future is wide open and anything is possible because of that.

[LiveandLearn]

I suspect that he married you because you brought something to the marriage that he needed. Something tangible, not emotional. A house, bank account, something. Once he believed he had control of that he didn't resist his urge any longer. I doubt he is capable of feeling "love" in the sense that you do.

 

I feel that I brought him "security" and once he had that, he probably felt he could 'test the water' with this other MW to see how 'real' their relationship is and how far it could go and if it didn't work out, he'll always have me to fall back on.

 

Christ, why is it I can realize this, but still be weeping over this man? I've been blinded by my love for him.

 

However, since he's already made up his mind, he most likely cannot understand why you aren't moving on, too.

 

Funny thing is, during our talk he had said that "the idea of me trying to get over him hurts and bothers him". He had brought that up because one day last week he had asked me who I went to lunch with and I just said "a friend" and he got all bent out of shape over it. So I was just livid over that..like wtf? How do you have any right to feel that way? YOU'RE the one that's already over ME and is WITH someone.

 

Thank you all for the encouraging words. It definitely helps me get through the day.

[TrustInYourself]

I feel that a large part of me that continues to hold on is scared of being alone. I'm 25, 26 in a week, and for the past 6 years he's all I've known. I didn't really make any new friends while with him, I parted with a few friends while with him and the friends that I still have, have moved out of state. So in a sense, he's all I had/have (except for my family of course). I am trying to get back out there and socialize and make new friends. The other part of me is still in love with him...for some bizaar reason. I think it is because I've vested so much time, effort, and love into this relationship and wholeheartedly believe that he was going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with, that I can't just give up on it, just like that. Then my logical, rational side will slap me in the face and ask me why I'm trying so hard to save a marriage/relationship when he's already given up on it. Then the emotional, weak side of me joins in and takes over. Bah...I'm just full of mixed emotions

 

During our talk last weekend, he said to me that I act as if he just left me and is out there having the time of his life, but in actuality it's just as hard on him as it is on me. I find that somewhat hard to believe though because I'm here, alone...trying to deal with it all by myself, and he's there, already with someone who has replaced my role as his confidant/significant other.

 

You are handling it on your own terms. He is masking his pain with being with someone else. Who wins long term?

 

I'm not saying it would be impossible to work this out, but you're dealing with a someone who is very self-centered. You have a discussion, where he has decided to leave, and he talks about how his life is hard. That's very nice. He sounds very insecure.

 

You ask yourself why you still put up with him. Well, everyone loves imperfect people. If you are truly trying to understand, you'll have to do some inflections into your past and who you are to understand why you love this man. What does he bring to the table. What draws you to him, etc. Then you have to weigh that against his vices. Only you can make a decision and start acting on that decision, to create change in your emotional state.

[LakesideDream]

LiveandLearn, Carpe Diem! Your a young lady. Don't waste your youth on someone who doesen't appreciate what you have to offer.

I'll bet you are smokin pretty, hot as a griddle and loyal as a puppy. With luck you will find someone who appreciates what you bring to a relationship. Life is to short to waste it on uncaring companions.

[quankanne]

Funny thing is, during our talk he had said that "the idea of me trying to get over him hurts and bothers him".

 

kinda vain, IMO – my sister's ex-husband was NOT happy when she told him she was remarrying. Apparently, his response was, "But you're supposed to wait for me" … he'd gone through two more wives and several live-in companions after their divorce, but he honestly expected her to sit around waiting on him!

[LiveandLearn]

You are handling it on your own terms. He is masking his pain with being with someone else. Who wins long term?

 

I'm not saying it would be impossible to work this out, but you're dealing with a someone who is very self-centered. You have a discussion, where he has decided to leave, and he talks about how his life is hard. That's very nice. He sounds very insecure.

 

You ask yourself why you still put up with him. Well, everyone loves imperfect people. If you are truly trying to understand, you'll have to do some inflections into your past and who you are to understand why you love this man.

 

He is very insecure. I'm sitting here, asking myself that question, and honestly, I'm having a hard time coming up with valid answers, other than "I just do". He is my first love and my first serious relationship that just so happened to lead to marriage (and now separation). Now that I think about it, he has had this habit of "looking elsewhere" to fill his void of loneliness. He had told me w/ his ex-GF, while she was out of the country, he started talking to women online because he was lonely, sure enough his GF at the time found out. He has done the same w/ me. While in college, I lived 2 hrs from him and would be away from him 3-4 days out of the week, and that's when I found out he was talking to other women online. He had told me his reason was because he was lonely when I was away and always felt that I was cheating on him. I forgave him of course, but since then I never fully trusted him. So I would assume, with this MW he is with now, since she can't be with him 24/7 he'll probably end up doing the same thing to her. Old habits are hard to break. He has jumped from one relationship to another. When he and I started talking, he had just recently broken up with his gf/fiance about 3-4 months (they were together for about 4 years). I kinda knew I was the 'rebound', but didn't care because I wasn't looking for a relationship, but it just somehow turned into one. The rebound just lasted for 6 years. And now he's jumped right into another relationship.

 

But you all are right. I'm still young and it doesn't make sense that I want to be with a man that doesn't love me the way I need & want to be loved. Hell, he's even uttered those words to me too, but I still was just sobbing and pleading that we work things out and telling him that I know I can be that person he needs. I guess I was (still am) just shocked that my marriage is over so quickly. I'm also embarrassed that I took him back just to have him leave me again a month later. I've even lost a close friend over this, but that's a whole 'nother story.

 

I had bought him a Christmas gift a couple weeks ago. Don't know how I should go about giving it to him. I know he doesn't deserve it, but I guess I'm just too nice...almost to a fault I'm still debating, if I should buy him a birthday gift, which is coming up in about a month. I mean, I know I shouldn't, but I want to...not in hopes that he'll come back, but because I still care for him.

[TrustInYourself]

He is very insecure. I'm sitting here, asking myself that question, and honestly, I'm having a hard time coming up with valid answers, other than "I just do". He is my first love and my first serious relationship that just so happened to lead to marriage (and now separation). Now that I think about it, he has had this habit of "looking elsewhere" to fill his void of loneliness. He had told me w/ his ex-GF, while she was out of the country, he started talking to women online because he was lonely, sure enough his GF at the time found out. He has done the same w/ me. While in college, I lived 2 hrs from him and would be away from him 3-4 days out of the week, and that's when I found out he was talking to other women online. He had told me his reason was because he was lonely when I was away and always felt that I was cheating on him. I forgave him of course, but since then I never fully trusted him. So I would assume, with this MW he is with now, since she can't be with him 24/7 he'll probably end up doing the same thing to her. Old habits are hard to break. He has jumped from one relationship to another. When he and I started talking, he had just recently broken up with his gf/fiance about 3-4 months (they were together for about 4 years). I kinda knew I was the 'rebound', but didn't care because I wasn't looking for a relationship, but it just somehow turned into one. The rebound just lasted for 6 years. And now he's jumped right into another relationship.

 

But you all are right. I'm still young and it doesn't make sense that I want to be with a man that doesn't love me the way I need & want to be loved. Hell, he's even uttered those words to me too, but I still was just sobbing and pleading that we work things out and telling him that I know I can be that person he needs. I guess I was (still am) just shocked that my marriage is over so quickly. I'm also embarrassed that I took him back just to have him leave me again a month later. I've even lost a close friend over this, but that's a whole 'nother story.

 

I had bought him a Christmas gift a couple weeks ago. Don't know how I should go about giving it to him. I know he doesn't deserve it, but I guess I'm just too nice...almost to a fault I'm still debating, if I should buy him a birthday gift, which is coming up in about a month. I mean, I know I shouldn't, but I want to...not in hopes that he'll come back, but because I still care for him.

 

As a young guy, I was exactly the same way. I put myself first. I made myself the center of the universe. I used women to validate my own happiness. I know his type, I used to be, and still am to an extent, like that.

 

There are positives and negatives to his personality. You are probably all too aware of how great a guy he CAN be. The problem is how uncaring and inconsiderate he IS. That's the concern.

 

You see value in him and you see the upside. Sure he could change, but will he? His past says that he probably won't change anytime soon.

 

I didn't really change either until I had a daughter. Becoming a father really opens your eyes. You suddenly realize there is more to life than just YOU.

 

Of course he's going to say exactly the right things to manipulate your feelings. He needs to be the center of attention, in order to appease his insecurity. If it works, why stop?

 

But he's making his choice and it's not with you. You can choose to play a part of his game and feed his narcissism, or you can choose to sit out. You want him to pay attention and desire you? Stop playing his game. He'll notice that more than any gift or gesture you could offer.

 

Best wishes.

[LiveandLearn]

As a young guy, I was exactly the same way. I put myself first. I made myself the center of the universe. I used women to validate my own happiness. I know his type, I used to be, and still am to an extent, like that.

 

There are positives and negatives to his personality. You are probably all too aware of how great a guy he CAN be. The problem is how uncaring and inconsiderate he IS. That's the concern.

 

You see value in him and you see the upside. Sure he could change, but will he? His past says that he probably won't change anytime soon.

 

I didn't really change either until I had a daughter. Becoming a father really opens your eyes. You suddenly realize there is more to life than just YOU.

 

Of course he's going to say exactly the right things to manipulate your feelings. He needs to be the center of attention, in order to appease his insecurity. If it works, why stop?

 

But he's making his choice and it's not with you. You can choose to play a part of his game and feed his narcissism, or you can choose to sit out. You want him to pay attention and desire you? Stop playing his game. He'll notice that more than any gift or gesture you could offer.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thanks for all the advice/input you've given. It's helped me think a lot more with my head than my heart, although my heart likes to nag at me. Sometimes one just needs to hear the harsh reality of it all.

[LiveandLearn]

Yesterday was great. I thought I was doing well. I kept busy reading the forums while here at work. I didn't check any of his accounts (email, facebook, bank, etc.) and I was in a good mood. I hung out with some friends last night. Had dinner, watched the Lakers game. Then we decided to get tarot readings done for sh*ts and giggles.

 

It was my first time doing this (paying for it anyway). It was fun, interesting, and a bit eerie. She just asked what it is I wanted to know, so of course I said "love". All she asked me for was his name and to pick some cards. I did. First card I chose was "trauma". Anyway, just to sum up everything, she was pretty spot on regarding my current situation. She said he's having trouble communicating with me and he's not telling me everything. Told me how he has a lot of growing up to do. Said that he would either have to do the growing up on his own or together with me. He might have to leave to do this. She says he has a lot of issues that he needs to figure out and his head is so far up his ass that he doesn't know what he's doing. She said that I would need a lot of patience to deal with him. The cards told her that I'm extremely "sensitive" and my head isn't clear and because of what he's going through it's going to be too unbearable for me to stay with him and I would have to decide if I want to stay with or be without him.

 

So after that, she asked if there was anything else I wanted to know, such as work or family. So of course, I had to ask the burning question: if she can read about a certain couple. She said sure and asked me their names. I gave them to her (N and A for short). And she said "Oh, well that would explain why he has his head so far up his ass. Funny that another person didn't come up. It means that it's not that significant" I don't remember her exact words, but that was pretty much it. And to sum this reading up, one of the main cards was...I don't remember the actual name of it, but it had to do with lies; that things aren't what they seem. She said that N still needs to grow up. He doesn't know if he's doing the right thing/making the right decision. He's kinda got one foot in the door and out the other. Whereas A is ready for whatever's next, but most likely not with him. She is gonna want him to grow up as well. One of the cards told her that someone's leaving or has left and that there are other people involved in their relationship. Essentially, they're not gonna work out and they're not as happy as they make themselves out to be.

 

Yeah, I know I have to take everything they say with a grain of salt, but it did leave me feeling a little bit better hearing that. I know, it's selfish of me.

 

So for whatever reason, today I've been in a funk. I even looked at his facebook just to see what he's been up to. Luckily, I didn't see anything that would have upset me. He hasn't updated it in awhile. I guess last night just got me thinking of him again. Damn you magic people!

[hopeful26]

Hey LiveandLearn. I'm a 28 year old guy who was dating a girl for 5 years and was married to her for 2, divorced at 26. As some have said you and I are fortunate to be so young in comparison but I'm not sure that means the pain is any less intense or real. It'll be coming up on two years since the split for me and although the memories will always remain time does have a way of bringing that emotional roller coaster to a stop. It does get easier, I promise.

 

I won't sit here and tell you I know it all or have all the answers but I know from experience sometimes it takes a little bit of the pain away to know that there is someone out there who knows EXACTLY how you are feeling. I can't sympathize enough and I'm so sorry to hear that someone as (insert complimentary adjectives here) as yourself is going through this. For what it's worth I used to check her damned accounts too! MySpace! Bank! All of them! Ahh! I had to stop that.

 

Lots of this stuff just never makes any sense. Eventually I had to accept the fact that I probably wasn't going to get answers to all my questions. Doesn't make it any easier, I know. One day you're great, one day you're not. FWIW, I never pictured myself as the divorced guy either.

 

Relearning how to socialize as a single person was weird at first but like everything it gets easier over time. Keep yourself busy. Get back to doing the things you enjoy. It's all about you now. You deserve someone who will love you, not leave you! You might need to fake it until you make it for a while; one day at a time, one minute at a time even, but you'll get there. Also keep in mind that there are several stages of grief that can come and go and sometimes repeat themselves, hence the better and worse days I suppose.

 

I tell ya there have been days recently when I think, "Kinda sucks not having someone to hold during the holidays..." Then I just have to remember what it's like to be married and alone and suddenly single and alone seems great! Take care of yourself. Keep us posted.

[LiveandLearn]

Thanks Hopeful. It does help to know that I'm not alone. I'm doing a bit better now that I'm home. It's such a bitch to be at work because it's a constant reminder of him and of them. I have considered switching jobs, but financially, it wouldn't make sense, plus this job will fit better with my school schedule when I go back next year. I figure I'll just have to stick it out for another year or two until I get my teaching credentials.

 

It's been so long since I've been "single" during the holidays. And it just sucks even more knowing that, unlike me, he's technically not alone during this holiday season. It makes me feel even more alone. Luckily I was able to plan a mini trip for xmas weekend with a couple of friends, but it still bothers me knowing that he may be spending xmas weekend with that wench. Bah...ok, no more thinking about it. Thanks again for your kind words.

[LiveandLearn]

Ideally, if I can qualify for a civil annulment, I would like to have one. We didn't get married in a church and neither of us are Catholic. From what I can gather online, adultery/infidelity technically does not qualify as grounds for an annulment, but I would possibly like to try. I haven't consulted a lawyer yet. Is there any way I can petition for an annulment/divorce but have HIM pay for everything?

 

Are annulments cheap? I believe they take longer as well. We live in CA, so I think we may also qualify for something called Summary of Dissolution, which is suppose to be a faster and cheaper divorce.

 

Any info or shared experience regarding annulments would greatly be appreciated.