alwayssme Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 My friend and her ex boyfriend are still really close, talk, hang out... While me and my ex aren't anymore. We were best friends, we had a "good" break-up I guess you could say...But we don't talk as much... Last night he called and we talked for about 5 MINUTES!! Then he said he had to go. Okay that's fine, I get that I'm still not over him and I am trying to move on. My concern is that when i DO move on and want to be his friend, too much time will have passed and it'll be awkard or he probably won't even want to be my friend. Like things will never be normal again And then I think of how MUCH he hurt me, and it really has got me messed up. I think the way he acted towards me after the break-up hurt me more than the actual break-up...If that makes any sense. My question...what happens to two people who were so close, loved each other and were best friends, what happens to them after they break up? Is it possible to maintain a friendship?
justletgo07 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Most definitely. Actually, one of my best friends is my 1st love. We didn't talk for a long time after the break up, and she even started dating my best friend not long after she broke up with me, so I was pretty angry at her for a while. I think though, that we both realized that we needed that time apart to heal, and that to try and force a friendship before we were ready to would have ended in disaster. It sounds cliche, but when you are REALLY READY to be friends, you'll know. I personally believe that once you've gotten that close to someone, and things didn't end badly, that they'll always be in your live in some way. Just don't force it. Haha, in fact, she has been my biggest source of support during my last 2 break ups, which I would have never imagined at the time. It's funny how things work out, and how feelings can change.
Author alwayssme Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 But for some reason it doesnt feel that way...it feels like when i try to be fis friend later on, he wont want to....its hard to explain....i dont think he cares as much as he used to...he promised me to be my friend when im ready but he has made so many promises that he didnt keep so i dont know...weird this is my concern right now...i dont want to lose his friendship in the long run
MadBambi Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I dated an ex of mine for 1 1/2 yrs and we broke up - cuz he was a liar and a cheater and because apparently i'm crazy ... Anyhow in that period of time we did become very good friends and there were times after the break up when we'd call each other just to talk. No matter what our differences were in the past we were always there for each other. That was almost 2 yrs ago and we're still friends. He's actually one of my closest. No Sex though that would totally ruin everything! Remember that! He and I realized that we're much better as friends than we were as lovers - and now i actually understand his lying cheating ways and he understands my craziness. Sometimes i ramble and forget the point....which unfortunately has happened. Sorry. I hope you found some of that to be helpful anyway!
Author alwayssme Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 So how do I be his friend without scaring him away? He even deleted me off hisfacebook for no reason!!
justletgo07 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Alwayssme, it never feels that way in the beginning. It probably over a year for us to get to that point. We both had to change, and completely move past the relationship. You may think that he is completely over it and ready to be friends now, but I guaruntee you he's not ready. It takes a long time for both sides to completely let go, and the whole break up process can bring out a bunch of old feelings, resentments, etc. in both people. You have to really cope with those things before you can be friends.
justletgo07 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 In many ways, you have to take a similar attitude to that of getting him back as a bf...You have to let go completely, and let life (yours and his) just happen for a while. Your desire to be friends is probably, at least in part, driven by your romantic feelings for him. You have to let your feelings for him and your past relationship with him "die". I'll give you what I believe is probably the best piece of advice from Star Wars (dorky, I know): "You must let go of everything you are afraid to lose."
Surfer Dude Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Why on earth would I want to be friends with someone who dumped me for another man and then treated me like sh*t, after we got engaged? She was extremely mean to me, there is no way I would ever even talk to her, let alone be her friend.
EmperorR Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I'd rather eat dog poop than be friends with my cheating lying ex fiance
Surfer Dude Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I can't possibly imagine why anyone would want to befriend their ex after getting dumped. Always, are you so scared to live your life without your ex being a part of it, that you would accept this half assed friendship, even though you're the one who was discarded and treated like crap? Come on people, keep your dignity.
Peter_pan Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 i dont think you can be. your always be reminded of the memories and feel pain looking at them as a reminder. unless you feel that by being friends somehow you are not letting them go and that you still "own" a piece of them even if there with someone new i personally couldnt do it after she moved on within a week or two. f ing unbelievable
BCCA Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 My answer is big no. The very rare occasions are the first girls you dated in high school, when 'long' relationships lasted a few months and things were much different. Also, with those situations, a lot of time has usually passed, and youve grown up a lot. Aside from that, I have plenty of friends that I havent had sex with or spent years with as a lover. I don't need anyone who dumped me, and I'm sure anyone Ive dumped feels the same way. Its something people come up with in hopes of either not feeling guilty/being selfish (dumper), or in some hopes of reconciliation (dumpee). I've seen very few cases where both peoples needs are being met through a friendship. I am not friends with any ex of mine and never will be. If thats a hard line to take, so be it.
inulg Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 going from my experience and many others... no. if either of you has any kind of INKLING of feelings toward the other... it will NOT work. I tried, and all it did was make me feel worse, and make him act more like a real jerk... because at that point i wasnt really a "friend" but an "ex" ... he treated me less than a friend because he didnt feel that our friendship was worth any more than that of an acquaintance... ps. we were "friends" for a good 4 years before we dated, and we dated for a total of 7 years as "best " friends...
Author alwayssme Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I can't possibly imagine why anyone would want to befriend their ex after getting dumped. Always, are you so scared to live your life without your ex being a part of it, that you would accept this half assed friendship, even though you're the one who was discarded and treated like crap? Come on people, keep your dignity. Because despite the fact that he left me and literally destroyed me, he IS a good person...I'll just let time do its thing...this is some BULL**IT!!!!! first heartbreak!! how the hell do u deal with all this pain?? i have been dealing with it because i have to but i would MUCHHH MUCHHH rather be happy...right now im in a "whatever, f**k it mood" and just focusing on school and friends, work and all that crap.........he called last night and i had to pretend that everything was good and i laugh because i think although he knows i was hurting alot, he really has NO IDEA as to how bad it really was......cant wait for the day im HAPPY again...im either "okay" or "sad"....*sigh*
northstar1 Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 My friend and her ex boyfriend are still really close, talk, hang out... While me and my ex aren't anymore. We were best friends, we had a "good" break-up I guess you could say...But we don't talk as much... Last night he called and we talked for about 5 MINUTES!! Then he said he had to go. Okay that's fine, I get that I'm still not over him and I am trying to move on. My concern is that when i DO move on and want to be his friend, too much time will have passed and it'll be awkard or he probably won't even want to be my friend. Like things will never be normal again And then I think of how MUCH he hurt me, and it really has got me messed up. I think the way he acted towards me after the break-up hurt me more than the actual break-up...If that makes any sense. My question...what happens to two people who were so close, loved each other and were best friends, what happens to them after they break up? Is it possible to maintain a friendship? It is possible, after a long period of time has passed, and providing there was not a grand act of betrayal involved (cheating, lying etc). If someone cheated on me, I don't think I could ever be friends with them again - call it pride or self respect, but I don't think I could ever get past that. However, if the breakup was amicable (you both grew apart), or due to circumstances (it became long distance or some other obstacle in life got in the way), then it is possible - as long as both people have fully gotten past their feelings and let go. This could take months, or years, depending on the people involved. However, the mistake a lot of people make it trying to be friends too soon, especially if one (or both) have not let go of their feelings and moved on. Many will grasp for friendship as a means to stay in that person's life, and it doesn't take long for it to become apparent they are not okay just being a friend.
orangehose Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 It is possible, after a long period of time has passed, and providing there was not a grand act of betrayal involved (cheating, lying etc). Great response. I do think it's possible to be friends with SOME exes, but again, it depends on the manner of the breakup. One that involved disrespect of any sort is very different than one that was amicable. I'm friends with one of my exes, and I have to say, it's rather heartening to know that it's sometimes possible to move past romantic feeling and just have a comfortable friendship. BUT - you have to really be over the person. Wait until you're madly in love with someone else.
Ingenue Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I'm in the same boat now. I dated a man for 5 years, went strict NC for 5 months and reconnected. He would like to be friends (mostly because I believe it would assuage his guilt for dumping me by email). In our first conversation since the break up he apologised not for dumping me by email but for not providing a telephone call immediately after the email dump. He wasn't apologising because he was genuinely remorseful. He was apologising because of the consequence to him (ie we were no longer friends). I think we all have to think whether there are any benefits to a potential friendship with an ex. When my platonic friends treat me like crap and don't atone or apologise for it, I kick them out of my life until I believe that they're genuinely remorseful. Sometimes they aren't and I cut off friendships. Why do we give our exes much more latitude? Think about this. If your friend did to you what your ex did to you, would you still be friends with that person? Probably not. We would say, you treated me like crap and we don't need to put up with this so off you go. We should apply the same reasoning to all people in our lives, exes or not. People can change. People can grow but only you can decide whether you're willing to put up with the type of personality that your ex is, apologetic or not.
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