Moving Up Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 As I have perused the threads in this forum I discover that I am not the only one who has endured the grief and heartbreak associated with being someone's "other". My story began over two years ago with a woman that I worked with and I honestly thought, and still believe it to be true, that I had met the woman of my dreams. We had everything...connection, chemistry, incredible sex, and a friendship that surpassed anything I had known previously. But, be that as it may, she was on the verge of moving into a condo she had just purchased with her significant other. Over the course of time so much happened...we would break up, get back together, I would beg her to leave him, typical affair behaviour. The bond we shared was complicated early by her getting pregnant with my child. She made the choice to not keep it. I wanted her to have the child and I even proposed to her, but such is the choice she made. She was set up with a home that she loved and didn't want to let go of it, even if it meant sacrificing her true feelings. Her SO, in the time she and I have been together didn't really suspect a thing. Unless he was just turning a blind eye. Fast forward 18 months. I accept a job to move across the country, back to the city I am from. I leave but then things begin to heat up between us. She starts to think she could leave SO for me and begin afresh in a new city. To make things even easier, SO opts to take a job in another city as well. She visits me twice and we have amazing times of connection with each other, as well as my family and friends in the other city. She spends the summer alone and in contemplation. Unfortunately. the job I went away for didn't go as planned and I began making plans to move back, mostly to be with her. As it turns out SO's job wasn't working for him either and he returns to her a month before I came back. Before I return she tells me "I really want to make it work between us" which I felt was my cue to make the move back. It's now October 2008 and I have made the move. Feeling unsettled and in need of a solid foundation I give her an ultimatum. November 1, when I move into the condo that she had chosen "with her in mind", she was to have done something of significance with SO to tell me that she was serious about us. Just so you know, she is currently in therapy, and has been for two months, to get her life sorted out. She opted out of my ultimatum, preferring to do things in her own time. Making me feel like I was not her priority, and that, as a close friend has told me, fulfilling her own needs. She has, since then, made a lot of progress with her SO in terms of being honest that they need to break up. I, on the other hand, and am now left with little of what I returned for. I'm paying rent on a sublet that ultimately I can barely afford on my own. I'm humiliated and heartbroken. But the good part is, we haven't seen one another in over two weeks and I have not communicated with her in 4 days. I feel free, albeit a little aimless. Is this anything new? I doubt it. But it is my story...and it really sucks. Thanks for listening
Owl Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 It's now October 2008 and I have made the move. Feeling unsettled and in need of a solid foundation I give her an ultimatum. November 1, when I move into the condo that she had chosen "with her in mind", she was to have done something of significance with SO to tell me that she was serious about us. Just so you know, she is currently in therapy, and has been for two months, to get her life sorted out. She opted out of my ultimatum, preferring to do things in her own time. Making me feel like I was not her priority, and that, as a close friend has told me, fulfilling her own needs. She has, since then, made a lot of progress with her SO in terms of being honest that they need to break up. I, on the other hand, and am now left with little of what I returned for. I'm paying rent on a sublet that ultimately I can barely afford on my own. I'm humiliated and heartbroken. But the good part is, we haven't seen one another in over two weeks and I have not communicated with her in 4 days. I feel free, albeit a little aimless. Is this anything new? I doubt it. But it is my story...and it really sucks. Thanks for listening You lost me here. It's not October...it's December. Over a month past your "drop dead date". What happened with that? What is she DOING to end her relationship with the SO? Not what is she saying...what is she DOING? Actions speak louder than words...and her actions (still living with him) are telling. There's nothing new here. She's an accomplished cake-eater. She's strung you on all this time...and him as well. This will last for as long as she can keep you on the hook.
Author Moving Up Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Sorry Owl, I should re read these things before I post them. October 08 is when I returned. The Ultimatum date was November 1. It's now December and am finally moving forward. The past two months were some good times, but mostly just squabbling as I put the pressure on. Yes, she is still with SO but now I don't really care as I feel burned and exploited. What she wasn't getting from SO she was getting from me. What I couldn't give her was coming from SO. Will she leave him...who really knows. I just know that I am finally in a place where I have the strength to move beyond the status quo.
BrotherD Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Moving up Here's the rub. (I'm speaking to myself here as well, one of the best things about this forum is to "get out" whats on your mind..) You need to go AWOL. YOU MIGHT LOSE HER BECAUSE OF THIS. I understand. That's why it's such a nightmare. You are breaking it off with someone who you are in love with. In essence a "death" of a relationship...Heartwrenching horrible stuff...I know... But how are you feeling now? Living in limbo-land? How do you feel when you know shes goes home to him every stinkin night? How do you feel when you think about him screwing her? Breaking it off is much less painful THE ABOVE... In the book "He's Not that Into You.." by Greg Behrendt, he states that someone would rather be "trampled by elephants" that tell you they are not into you... Telling someone "I wont leave my spouse" is easier than saying "Im not into you..." Or at least not into you enough to want a full time thang... Also the married and screwing around thing is the oldest "dating" trick in the book. What could be easier than hiding behind your "marriage" when you get bored with the fling (all sexual realtionships pass through the "Crazy stage" and settle down eventually..") I can hear it now, "Hey Im married, You knew that all along..." It's WAAAY easier than saying "Im not into you..." So the only way to deal with this is to STOP! If you are the love of her life she will miss you and find you later. If she doesnt, well there's your answer. But staying around enables her to continue to have it both ways. And we're done with that arent we? Another notion... All realtionships reach a boring stage. That's something us single folk should look at very carefully. We've all seen the couple at the restaurant staring into space and not talking to each other, yes? I cant think of anything more depressing. That's what these married people are living. Be thankful we're not pimping websites like ReviveYour Marriage.com or something like that! Sure there are couples that are happily married, but they probably arent fooling around, you know? So these MM/MW are bored. They dont have any excitement in their lives. The affair awakens them with that tingly glow of limerance. When that stage passes (and it always does) you essentailly have a situation that the MM/MW is ALREADY IN!!! MARRIED!!! But their marriage is a known entity. We are not. If they were truly into us, they would take that step into the unknown and risk everything. So we're back to maybe theyre just not into us... Yikes... BroD
bentnotbroken Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 She didn't want to keep your child and she didn't leave SO for you, wha't the problem? She made her choices, deal.
Artu Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I am into same story,just in my story she is not married,its me married . Thinking over and over my situation for last 4+ years, I am almost an expert in such cases ,unfortunately . So my question will be : Did you let her ,did you show her you are the one she should stay with ? Or you have done some things that would make her doubt of your true intentions and feelings of her ,like hurting her severely by something ? That may be the reason that she does not risk .
phoenixrising Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Not a threadjack, just addressing ARTU's question... After 4 years as an OW to someone I truly love, that's EXACTLY why I finally left the situation. His actions (no action at all taken to leave his marriage) led me to believe his feelings for me were merely as someone to fill the gaps in his marriage. No matter what his words, it was his lack of action that finally made me take action to change the situation.
Author Moving Up Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 I gave of myself to this woman in a way that I have never given to anybody previous. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her and was always working toward the hopeful end result. I know that she's not happy with her current situation and that leaving SO is part of her plan. She needs the time and space to deal with the demise of a 6 year old relationship effectively. I am not saying this to say that I have high hopes for her to come running to me because in her pitch for time apart she also stated that there were no guarantees for the two of us. Because I have never been a shoe-in I have also had to keep distance because there has always been the possibility that she wouldn't choose me. I haven't shed many tears at this stage as I have grown accustomed to the usual waffling. When she gave up my child I cried for weeks on end but when it became clearer that she was not making any significant move towards us I began to set my self apart. I am very much a heart on my sleeve type and have never really held anything back. I gave ALL that I could, just never seemed to sway her completely to me even though at times it seemed like it was close.
Author Moving Up Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 4 years...I am so sorry for you. Once we get ourselves entangled in these webs it is really hard to get out of them. It makes one wonder if it would have happened had the circumstances bee different (i.e. both parties being single). I commiserate with you phoenixrising..
Winnie B. Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Phoenix..., where were you brought up ? who were your life teachers? where do you live? I cant understand myself .Thats why I am asking you ! WHO is making an affair while being in an established relationship "to fill gaps" as you say ? As you know,making any relationship outside the established one,lets call it a marriage, means making more troubles onto your own head,into your own head and through your own head ! Is not it so ? I do not believe in filling gaps in any relationship by another one. Its not serious . Though it happens .Yes. But by my psychology it would be just Love. *thumbs down* 2 u ..thats why I am asking you where you live?and who were your life teachers.
Author Moving Up Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 So I feel like I want to lash out and tell my ex-Affair partner what I think of her. It's been 5 days since we last texted one another and many more since we actually spoke. I'm hurt, angry, resentful because the best friend I ever had needs her "space". I know my feelings are illogical right now and that I just need to suck it up and get through this moment. But right now it is agony and torture...I miss her and just wish that nightmare had never happened in the first place.
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