lilyweb Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Hi, I have never used a site like this but don't know who else to turn to and hope someone may bring an outside perspective to help! :-) I am an outgoing, enthusiastic and loving 21yr old girl and completely fell head over heels for my boyfriend. When we met he was funny, outgoing and we had such a great time together so couldn't be happier when we started a relationship. After making 'us' official everyone spiralled downwards as he suddenly stopped the lovely texts and random phone calls that i loved. He started commenting on what clothes I would wear as I don't have big labelled brands but as he has money he is head to toe in them. I gradually became more and more insecure about myself and how I dressed or how i wore my hair and how much make up i had on. Its got to the point where I'm craving his attention but I'm trying to just play it cool as I don't want to seem needy but I'm losing my personality traits of being a happy bubbly person. I am realising that he is a truely selfish person who expects me to travel to his family functions (2 hours away) but wont come to my sisters b.day party i have organised etc. I would love if someone could reassure me of what I think I'm about to do, call it a day. Its hard because is it worth being in a depressing relationship rather then be alone.....probably not but i just wish he would wake up and realise what he is missing out on.
Winnie B. Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 It sounds like it had not been for a long time that you are together with your him , however. You can and are able to work the situation out ,just need to be patient and wise . You will always have time to stay alone,but to gain a happy relationship you need to work for it
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Have you talked to him about this? What has been his reply? How selfish is he? Is the extremely self absorbed and only worried about himself, and you because of how you can benefit him? Because so far you've described a narcissist: perfect at first, but once he "hooks" you, he begins to not care, except when it comes to how you can benefit him. (I.e., how you dress can make him appear better, etc). It's too early to tell but from what you've said SO far, he is a narcissist.
justletgo07 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Lilyweb- I am really sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. I know how frustrating and painful it can be to have your needs continuously go unattended. However, I think you are in an EXCELLENT position to take the "power" back and get your sanity back in this situation. Let me explain. I realize that right now, you are trying to play it cool and not address the fact that you aren't getting what you need from the relationship. You don't want to rock the boat, for fear of looking needy, clingy, etc. I can completely understand this, but at the same time, you're building up resentment for him every time he seems to ignore your needs, especially when you are still doing things that he wants (like going to his family functions 2 hours away). This is what I did, and believe me, it keeps getting worse. He may very well be selfish, but it also may be that he is simply taking you for granted. He did all of those sweet, loving things because he wanted to impress you and for you to like him. It is natural in relationships for this sort of behavior to fade. People don't put the effort in because they take for granted that the person is not going anywhere. Add to that you are reinforcing his behavior every time you go out of your way to do things for/with him when your needs are going unmet. The longer you do this, the more he will expect you to make those sacrifices, and the more he'll take you for granted. I imagine he'd be quite surprised if you stopped and said "No more." I would suggest reading some books about setting boundaries. This may not seem like a boundary-setting situation, but it really is. It is about creating boundaries in your relationship that protect your own sense of self-worth, and that make you feel ok with not meeting his needs if your needs are going consistenly ignored. Remember, you are a FANTASTIC person just how you are. No one needs designer clothes, make-up, or fancy hair-cuts to be attractive. You need to be comfortable with putting your foot down and saying "I need certain things to be happy in a relationship. I respect myself, and I refuse to be in a relationship where I'm unhappy. If you are unwilling to work with me so that we can ensure both of our needs are met, then this is not going to work. There are plenty of smart, funny, attractive guys out there that would love to date me. If you working with me isn't something you feel you can do, then that just means you aren't one of those guys." If you can say that to him, and really believe what you are saying, I think you may be surprised at his reaction. Either way, I think you should leave the situation feeling very confident and self-assured, because you would have just asserted your self in a very healthy, mature way. Setting boundaries and feeling comfortable asserting yourself and getting what you need is VERY ATTRACTIVE. No matter what you decide to do, I think this approach could help you get your sense of self back.
samspade Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Its hard because is it worth being in a depressing relationship rather then be alone.....probably not but i just wish he would wake up and realise what he is missing out on. Baby, it's always better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Trust me. You should realize that being happy whether alone or with a SO is an attractive quality - shows you are not dependent on others for happiness. He may wake up and realize what he's missing after you leave his a$$, but by then it will be too late. The key for you is realizing you can do better, which I am sure you can. Close the book on this one.
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