Men becoming quiet-Women becoming mad!

[Posco_Proudfoot]

A recent post by someone on this forum suggested I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", and it has really been an eye opener for how my last LTR has caused a separation.

 

One of the issues has been her problems with me becoming quiet and to myself sometimes. She would get so upset over it. I think she even called me "psycho" one time!! :lmao:

She registered it as me not wanting her there, became very lacking in her own self confidence, and even felt like she couldn't trust me. It was never over any any argument beforehand, or even problems with each other. I would try to explain it but really never could as to why I did this. I was usually thinking of a problem in both our lives that I was trying to solve. She felt like I was suppose to share this information all the time. She would take it as me being mad at her for days at a time, when I was never mad at her at all.

 

This might all sound like gibberish to everyone reading it.

I wanted to know if anyone had experienced these issues in their own relationships?

[Winnie B.]

Tell once more.I am encountering such a case for the 1st time,I can`t get the written in my own language.You are from Mars. LOL

[wierdmunky]

she might not feel included

[Trialbyfire]

You are from Mars. Plse speak English.

 

Okay, I'm going to take a run at it. When you have issues in your life, you withdraw to your cave, not telling her why this is happening, just shutting her out, right?

[Geishawhelk]

This "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" malarkey is utter cr*p.

It's rubbish.

We all have the same emotions, feelings, wants, desires, and all have a right to them.

 

Communication and issues of this kind are more to do with social, environmenal, moral and ethical conditioning, coupled with past experience, than whether we're men or women.

 

Men are from Earth, and women are from Earth. Get over it.

 

For more, google this:

 

"Talking Tosh on Mars and Venus" a Times online article.

[Trialbyfire]

Haha...love it! There's no excuse for bad behaviours!

[D-Lish]

Men and women process and interpret things differently.

If we didn't, there would be no need for places like Loveshack...or therapy:eek:.

 

I've discussed things at length with male friends and we always find it enlightening to explain certain gender behaviours and differences.

 

Of course we all have the same basic wants, one of those to be loved. But I still maintain genders aprroach getting there differently.

 

It's naive to think men and women think the same way, heck it's unrealistic to think all humans think the same way.

[Geishawhelk]

It's naive to think men and women think the same way, heck it's unrealistic to think all humans think the same way.

 

precisely my point!

But the fundamental difference is not necessarily that it's a man-woman thing.

If you look at the threads about being heartbroken, how to cope with being dumped, how to maintain NC... anyone (without knowing the gender of the OP for sure) would be hard-pressed to determine whether it was a man or woman who was posting.

Look at any thread here, and take out, or turn around the 'hesaid-shesaid' element, and it could be anyone posting....

 

It has a major part to do with upbringing, conditioning and influence of peers, plus the experiences gone through.

The greater tragedy in my opinion, is not that the two genders seem to have a reputation for being wired differently, and therefore communicating differently - it's that for the greater part, many young people don't have a clue about how to communicate at all - !

[Trialbyfire]

If there are two extremes in communication methodologies, the two had better be willing to communicate in the middle, or you're going to crash and burn.

 

If you're a cave-dweller, time to come out and play in the sunshine. If your g/f needs to be inside your head at all times, she needs to get out of yours and her head and join you in the sunshine.

 

You can't totally shut someone out who cares about you. That's insecurity and selfishness talking. She can't consume you through her insecurities.

[cybersister]

I kinda agree with everyone here. I found Mars and Venus helpful- but I do think we all have the same basic needs (as other posters have said).

we have the same needs yet we do react differently - and I do belief that some reactions are more common in men and some more common in women.

I also agree that the partner here is insecure.

While you do not want to be run by another persons insecurity it would be self destructive in the relationship not to acknowledge it.

In other words- do what the author says- let her know while you need time in your cage that you will be back.

 

BTW- has she read the book ?

[wisebutnotperfect]

I was married for ten years to a woman who HAD to be right. I mean, about anything discussed. If I ever raised the prospect of her being incorrect about anything, weather, color of the sky etc. she would argue it to the death. After time I just said fine, you can be right if you need to be, I have no reason to argue this point with you beacause it drains my energy. This really ended up being one of the largest reasons why we are no longer together. I think that she ended up not respecting me because I stopped standing up to her bull****.

[thisismystory]

it's funny because my bf is just like you. he doesn't respond much. and when sad he doesn't like to tell people. and this annoyed me originally. i was like "why don't you talk much? why don't you respond? grr grr"

 

although i don't think all men retrieve into a cave. everyone's different.

 

but you DO realize how you are and you should tell her that. you SHOULD make and effort to communicate with her more....reassure her. but tell her that's just the way you are....and if you ever revert back to your quietness (because you will)....then she can just ask. and that she should expect it to happen and to not freak out about it.

[Trialbyfire]

One of the easiest ways to handle problems is to retreat into self. When doing this within a relationship, you maintain control of everything and in essence are saying to your partner without meaning to, I don't trust you or your judgement.

 

I do this naturally and I'm not a man. I have to force myself to share my problems sometimes, waiting to share them until I have a resolution. Even my closest friends sometimes say, "Why can't you tell me when it's happening, instead of waiting until it's over?".

 

That's why I say there's no excuse for bad behaviour. It's not solely a male dominated trait to cave dwell. Learn to share or your relationship will truly crash and burn. If stubborn ol' me can do it, learning to ask for help and talking about needs, so can men.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I have found that men and women can think differently overall, but if you breakdown the personalities, age, and background, there are some values a relationship of what each of us want. The difference in sexes is what can change that. For example, most women want a man to take care of them financially, to be their knight in shining armor, to be a man and do the man things. Most men want to do that, to feel wanted, and to be appreciated. One example that can open up issues in a relationship.

 

In my last relationship was the first time since I was a teenager that my spouse and I simply couldn't communicate. Things I said were usually taken completely out of context. One time she was talking and kept changing her mind. It went on for probably 10 minutes of her going back and forth with something, which was really insignificant in our lives. Toward the end she says "What do you think about that?". I started laughing and said "You change your life too much". OH MAN!! The wrath I got for saying that.

Simply a comment that is taken to the extreme. Later she said it was us trying to learn each other, but to me it was a huge signal of things to come. To this day, I still don't understand it.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

but you DO realize how you are and you should tell her that. you SHOULD make and effort to communicate with her more....reassure her. but tell her that's just the way you are....and if you ever revert back to your quietness (because you will)....then she can just ask. and that she should expect it to happen and to not freak out about it.

A big problem I have is that I have a computer science job. I sit and think about a problem and try to create a solution for it. Without going through the process of math and finance, I'll do that quite a bit for the company I work for.

 

Well, I would bring this home and do it for problems in our finances and home remodeling, plus another home that was up for sale. If you look at it from my side, the problems were put to me. What do I do? I do what I do best, I think about it and try to find a solution. She'd get so p***ed over my silence, and even took it as me being mad, and I could never figure out why, even after I told her what all of this.

[flc]

Men and women process information differently there is no doubt about that. There are numerous scientific studies that support this. Some of the differences are no doubt biological based both on hormonal differences during brain development and a genetic component. In addition you have cultural effects. While these types of differences can be stereotyped or generalized as with any stereotype no individual is the stereotype each are unique.

 

Here is a link to some interesting information on the subject

 

http://www.cerebromente.org.br/n11/mente/eisntein/cerebro-homens.html

[fral945]

One of the easiest ways to handle problems is to retreat into self. When doing this within a relationship, you maintain control of everything and in essence are saying to your partner without meaning to, I don't trust you or your judgement.

 

I do this naturally and I'm not a man. I have to force myself to share my problems sometimes, waiting to share them until I have a resolution. Even my closest friends sometimes say, "Why can't you tell me when it's happening, instead of waiting until it's over?".

 

That's why I say there's no excuse for bad behaviour. It's not solely a male dominated trait to cave dwell. Learn to share or your relationship will truly crash and burn. If stubborn ol' me can do it, learning to ask for help and talking about needs, so can men.

 

Trial,

 

Do not take this as an insult, but you seem to be wired in the brain a lot like a male. My impression is that you are fiercely independent, logical, rational, and reason based. I associate those qualities more often with men. I think even you would have to admit you are not like most women in that respect. I still think it is a male dominated trait to retreat inside yourself, but obviously there are exceptions like you. I think everyone knows a few people who display traits we typically associate with the opposite sex (chatty, sensitive men, highly rational women, etc). That doesn’t make the generalization untrue, however.

 

OP,

 

I have always been one to retreat into myself when I have problems, so I am a typical male in that respect and a lot like you. I'm very independent and I tend to internalize and like to deal with my problems on my own. My career (as an engineer) tends to lend itself to that type of person. I have, however, made an effort to share things more with women. Regular vocalization and sharing of thoughts, problems, etc. seems to be a very important need for women in a relationship. The key for me has been forcing myself to share some of my problems, issues, concerns, etc., even trivial ones or when I don’t really care to.

 

I try to meet halfway or compromise a bit. Usually I just tell her I’m the strong, silent type and like to take care of problems on my own. I also usually say (half true and half joking) that I wasn’t meant to talk much because when I do start to talk a lot I lose my voice. I’m guessing I was specially designed for a chatty woman.

[Trialbyfire]

Trial,

 

Do not take this as an insult, but you seem to be wired in the brain a lot like a male. My impression is that you are fiercely independent, logical, rational, and reason based. I associate those qualities more often with men.

I won't deny those are traits I have. I also won't deny that there are A LOT of irrational people out there, who are nutbars, extreme. I will categorize people like that, as products of their environments, male or female.

[Phateless]

A recent post by someone on this forum suggested I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", and it has really been an eye opener for how my last LTR has caused a separation.

 

One of the issues has been her problems with me becoming quiet and to myself sometimes. She would get so upset over it. I think she even called me "psycho" one time!! :lmao:

She registered it as me not wanting her there, became very lacking in her own self confidence, and even felt like she couldn't trust me. It was never over any any argument beforehand, or even problems with each other. I would try to explain it but really never could as to why I did this. I was usually thinking of a problem in both our lives that I was trying to solve. She felt like I was suppose to share this information all the time. She would take it as me being mad at her for days at a time, when I was never mad at her at all.

 

This might all sound like gibberish to everyone reading it.

I wanted to know if anyone had experienced these issues in their own relationships?

 

We just need a couple hours to ourselves to be in our own head sometimes. YOU my friend, need to learn how to take space when you need it.