Letter to my ex

[e_roger]

Hi there,

 

My ex and I were together for a little over 2 years. Then we broke up, with no hard feelings and decided to remain friends. However, 2 weeks later, she met someone else, and I got jealous and defensive. We haven't spoken since, and she won't take my calls or reply to sms's. (None of which I've tried recently)

 

We've been apart now for 4 years now, but I still believe she's the one, and I want more than anything to be a part of her life. She is currently in a relationship of 2 years, and I do not want to break her up. I want her to be happy. But I also want to be part of her life - even if just friends. I've written a letter, but I'm unsure if its too soppy. I don't want her to feel pressured into anything though. Please tell me what you think.

 

Dear Name,

I’m sure that I’m the last person that you’re expecting to hear from. Maybe even the last person you want to hear from. However, I felt it necessary to write this to set right the wrongs that I have done.

 

When we broke up, we made a ‘deal’, that we would remain friends. After all, we had played an important role in each other’s lives for over two years, which I believe none of us wanted to lose completely, at least at the time. Then you came to me, and told me you were seeing someone… and I didn’t handle it very well. I was a dick, I may have been insulting – and I was jealous. For the first and last time ever in my life, I was jealous.

 

Things from there got worse, and we got to the point where we no longer spoke to each other in any way or form. And we’ve both moved on with our lives.

 

All those years ago, the reasons why we broke apart, seem so trivial now. Yet, at the time, it was important to me. I was under pressure from my family, who constantly mentioned it over and over… and eventually it got to me. It influenced the choices I made. And I hate them for that. But it’s no excuse for what happened.

 

Throughout the past few years, I’ve learn an important lesson in life. Something which I truly believe in. “You can be right, or you can be happy.” It’s important to let go of the little things, in order to keep focused on what truly matters.

 

I guess the reason I am writing this, is twofold. Mainly, because I’d like to pick up where we left off. Not a relationship, but a friendship. When I said I’d rather have in my life as a friend, than not a part of it at all, I meant it, and I still mean it now. I understand you’re in a relationship now, and if you really are truly happy, I don’t want to interfere in any way whatsoever. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. Even if that means me not ever playing any part of your life again.

 

That brings me to the second reason for writing this. Even if no friendship is revived, at least I had the opportunity to explain myself. My actions. My decisions. And even more so, whether it means something to you or not, that I want you to be happy. No matter what choices you make in life.

 

Whatever you decide, I would appreciate it, if you could let me know. A ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is all I need. Whatever your answer is, I need it to move on with my life. Even if it’s ‘no’.

 

If you ever need anything. Anything at all. Ever. I’ll be there.

Always,

Name

[samspade]

Hey dude. It's sweet of you to reach out with an olive branch and offer friendship to your ex...if friendship is what you want.

 

However, you also say, "I still believe she is the one." The one what? The one for you? If you are hoping to use friendship to leverage your way back into a relationship, you are on a fool's errand - especially if she is in a relationship now.

 

You're speaking out of both sides of your mouth...the conceit is that you want her to be part of your life in any way possible, but you are giving yourself a way here by hinting that you still think she's "the one."

 

Be honest here. Will you be satisfied with "just friends"? Because that is the pretense under which you are contacting her. If that's all it is, then more power to you.

[e_roger]

You are right yes. I would love to get back together with her. But she is currently in a relationship, and I do not want her to have to choose to between me and her current boyfriend, especially since we have not been in communication for so long.

 

As far as 'will I be happy with just friends'. The short answer is no. But will I be happier having her as a friend than not in my life at all - I believe so. Sure it will be hard, but not having her in my life at all will be harder.

 

I realise going into a friendship with her in the hopes of a relationship later may not be very likey, but I am sure if I had to approach her out of the blue, looking for a relationship again, the likelyhood will be near nothing.

[justletgo07]

Just a quick note: You mention in the letter that you were under a lot of pressure from your family to end your relationship with her 4 years ago. To her, this will likely mean "My family didn't/doesn't like you." If you told her this, she may very well write off the possibility of being with you again, since it's hard to see the point if the family of your significant other doesn't like you. It pretty much rules out anything long term, since the idea of marrying someone who's family doesn't like you or doesn't approve of the relationship is not appealing to anyone.

[Artu]

I have almost same situation,bro.

I am in love with someone am not married with.But am married with another woman ...and so on.. it`s not my thread,so wont bother with my story.

 

 

But I could not get from your story,what the reason you departed then ,was ?

 

Was it that she started to see someone other? means,she started with someone other when being with you ?

 

Or you hurt her by not accepting her as of your family pressures you could not stay with her ? I gave up my love because of my parents will myself ... I said I have almost same story,thats why am responding so heartily,bro.

[e_roger]

As said in the letter, it seems so trivial now. She was a smoker, which didn't bother me at first. But my parents were against it, and as such kept going on to me about it... eventually it started to bother me also, and this ended up being the reason we daparted...

[Oscar51]

Seen the Notebook? Remember when he sees his long lost love through the window? He saw she was happy and getting married. Did he try to be friends or even try to stop the wedding? No. He walked away having confidence in himself that hed find someone else. What happened? She came back to him. That is true love.

 

I don't think you can handle being friends. Even you said it'll be hard. Why put yourself through that?

[Winnie B.]

Very silly reason to depart .

 

..and the fact that your family had some pressure on you because of that

makes you in her eyes very weak and no mannish at all .

 

 

I would think ,if you had hurt her badly,then you got departed ,then it was worth coming here and listening to advices .

Your case is indeed too trivial,you said truth.

[e_roger]

Oscar51 - I have seen it before yes. Several times. You are right in saying he never chased her - but he had no life without her. He lived alone, and could not embrace life or other women. I do not reallywant to end up that way - waiting for a chance encounter (She would not have come to him if not for the photo in the paper).

 

Winnie B - Yes, very silly. However little things build up. A collegue of mine refers to it as the 'toothpaste' issue. A long time with little things bothering you - like he never puts the toilet seat up, or he always squeezes toothpaste from the top instead of the bottom. Things like this build and grow, until it becomes a big issue. I fail to see how it would be more "mannish" of me to have hurt her badly?

[FF84]

 

That brings me to the second reason for writing this. Even if no friendship is revived, at least I had the opportunity to explain myself. My actions. My decisions. And even more so, whether it means something to you or not, that I want you to be happy. No matter what choices you make in life.

 

Whatever you decide, I would appreciate it, if you could let me know. A ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is all I need. Whatever your answer is, I need it to move on with my life. Even if it’s ‘no’.

 

If you ever need anything. Anything at all. Ever. I’ll be there.

Always,

Name

 

You say you want her to be happy, well it sounds like she is happy as she is. If she wanted you in her life she'd have been in touch with you.

 

Secondly, the bit in bold makes me want to vomit. It's cheesy, soppy and it'd probably freak her out. She's going to wonder why you're saying this after all this time.

 

You clearly dont want friendship, and i think you're setting yourself up for more pain.

 

I know no-one wants to hear these words on this site, but: move on - it's obvious she has. I don't understand how you can want her in your life so badly after 4 years of being apart, you've coped this long without her so why do you need her now? What if she's changed?

 

Write the letter and send it to yourself, then read it back and see if you still think it's going to do any good.

[Oscar51]

Actually he was with another woman the entire film. The point is, he saw she was happy and that's all he truly wanted. I think you think this letter will make her come back.

 

I personally think you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt. You say you want to be with her. But if you can't then you'll settle for being a friend? You realize once you're in the friend zone, there's no return. I recommend only going to the zone if you are TRULY ok with it. Which clearly you aren't. You've said so yourself that it will hurt. So you're willing to put yourself through pain? She will most likely say "its been 4 years and he still isn't over me? What a tool". Its harsh I know but that's how women operate. They don't interpret words, they interpret your actions. She will interpret this as a desperate attempt, and no one likes desperate.

 

Do what you must, but we've warned you. Our advice is here, I suggest you take it.

[BCCA]

I wouldn't even consider sending this letter a good idea unless you were truly over her and really would be happy with just a friendship. Seems to me like you're hoping that this letter will cause some sort of reaction in her.

 

I'll be honest, I think youre asking for dissapointment. As much as you probably dont think it will suck that bad, trust me, if she doesnt respond or says 'lets just be friends', you'll feel pretty lousy. And dont think that keeping her as a friend is better than nothing, because sadly, its just not the case. Its probably much better for you to just go your seperate ways, especially since I get the feeling that you would only accept being friends as a means to try and get back together. That never works.

 

I would write this out, and stick it in your drawer for a month. Then, read over it again and think about how ready you really are for just a friendship.

[e_roger]

I understand what you are all trying to say. And I recognise that my point of view is obviously biased. I have tried to move on over the last 4 years. I've had several other girlfriends, and am in fact in a steady relationship currently. While I am content with my relationship, I know I've been happier. Should I settle for second best?

 

I just feel that if I feel this way, is it not possible that she may also? I know the answer is probably 'no'.

 

But if I do nothing, I will definitely get nothing. If I do something, at least theres a possibility of something - however small. What have I got to lose?

[Oscar51]

Has she made any effort to be your friend? You are obviously doing this to try and get her back.

[FF84]

What have I got to lose?

 

Your dignity, self respect... You're also potentially losing the chance to find your real true love by pining for someone who doesn't want you.

 

Ask yourself what you have to gain?

 

It's lovely to think that because you still have strong feelings for her that she might still have feelings for you, but life isn't a film with hollywood endings.

 

Do what you feel you have to do, but look through this forum and see how many people have had their dreams shattered. Eveyone's advice comes from experience and everyone has learned the hard way.

 

Would love there to be a happy ending, but I can only see you getting hurt here I'm sorry to say.

[BCCA]

Dont lie to yourself, I've done the same thing before..."what do I have to lose?" Do you feel like complete ass right this moment? If the answer is no, then thats one side effect to consider. If its yes, then get ready to feel even worse. Truth be told, you have a lot to lose. Your focus, your happiness, your self respect...and much, much more.

 

And as was pointed out, what do you have to gain? A small outside chance that this renewed contact will trigger something? Thats like betting your house for a chance to win a new sweater. The upside is so much lesser, its not even worth considering.

 

I did not want to believe this for the longest time. I tried to rationalize my situation as being different, and only took advice I wanted to hear. The truth is if she wanted to be with you, regardless of how things ended, she WOULD contact you AND let you know her intentions. I know, we try not to believe this because if they dont call, we're faced with the grim reality that they didnt want us. It is, however, SOOOO true.

[samspade]

But if I do nothing, I will definitely get nothing. If I do something, at least theres a possibility of something - however small.

 

I know this seems logical, but it is not true.

 

By doing "nothing" - and, you are not doing nothing, you are living your life with this relationship behind you - you stand to gain much, much more in terms of happiness and fulfillment. Perhaps your current relationship is not satisfying, but you can meet other women down the road, not to mention find happiness as a single man.

 

If you do something- defined here as shoehorning yourself back into her life with the secret ambition of dating her again - you will get something, all right...a world of heartbreak and disappointment.

 

Don't send the letter.

[justaman99]

In all fairness I think you're being selfish. It's about you and not her right? If you really have a respect for her and love her don't pull this crap.

 

"She is currently in a relationship of 2 years, and I do not want to break her up."

 

Who said you even can break them up? Why would you want to insert yourself into what could be a very happy life for her right now? Why cause her confusion and potentially upset her?

 

Also, let's really be honest here. You can't just be friends can you?

 

"but I still believe she's the one, and I want more than anything to be a part of her life. She is currently in a relationship of 2 years, and I do not want to break her up. I want her to be happy. But I also want to be part of her life - even if just friend"

 

You're lying about being just friends.

 

-Just

[FF84]

I would also like to ask if you've thought about what might happen if you send the letter and never get a reply. There is nothing more painful than sending a girl a letter and never hearing back from her - I speak from experience here.

 

The amount of questions you ask yourself; did the letter get lost in the post, does she care, will she one day respond, did she respond but her letter got lost, etc Are you prepared for that?

 

There is a good chance she wouldn't respond, she's living her own life now which doesn't involve you. I think you need to face up to that.

[e_roger]

OK. So I took all of your advise under advisement... and decided that despite all the logic and reason of your advise, this was not an issue for the mind, but the heart. I sent the letter (or a revised version of the letter - less soppy, none of the bold stuff etc etc). Dropped it off in her mailbox one late night...

 

So Saturday she text's me, and wants to meet me. And we met. At first she tries to get me into a 1 nighter.... then says she could never be friends with me as I clearly have more in mind...

 

At some point in the evening some randomly lady interjects our convo to tell my ex, that she can clearly see I adore her completely... which I think played to my advantage.

 

So the 2 hour meeting turns into a 9 hour meeting, with both of us having the best time in years...

 

So the evening end with her hating me.... hating me becouse she still loves me... So throughout these 4 years, where we never met, never spoke, the lost love was mutual. 4 years apart, we both still love each other... things in both of our lives however make it difficut to get back together... but maybe theres still a future... after all.. the odds of where we are now werent very high at all.

 

So at the end of the evening, she refuses to have a relationship, is worried about where a friendship could go, as our 9 hour friendship meeting got quite... erm... intimate...

 

Since Saturday, we've briefly spoken via texts... where she mentioned "perhaps a dinnersometime"...

 

In conclusion - perhaps I'm only causing more heartache for both of us. But we've both had the best time in years, and no matter what happens in the future, for me at least, my last session with her was worth anything the future has to throw at me.

 

To all the hopeless romantics, who get advise from others who have been scorned... never give up on true love. If it's true, and mutual, then its possible...