MW coming back ...

[longtermer]

I have been involved with an MW for over two years now. Her H found out some details last year, and was understandably rather upset, but MW told him enough to be happy that she was committed to the M (i.e. that she didn't sleep with me). Instead she kept seeing me. However it got too much for her, working with me and seeing him at home in the evenings, being pulled this way and that, and in March this year she moved over 500 miles away to work in an interstate office, albeit at a higher level of pay and responsibility. In her absence I started IC, but it didn't work very well and I sank into depression and alcohol abuse. Am still dealing with them.

 

I expected that the A would be over in March when she left, but she invited me to visit her later ... and I went and saw her. And visited her every other weekend to her H's visits, and on several work trips. In September she was going on holiday with H, and she told me she couldn't continue to see me. I agreed that it was for the best and we prepared to enter NC. However when she returned from holiday she tried to get in touch ... and I caved, and we spoke for hours and hours, and eventually I visited her a number of times.

 

She has been back in town over the past fortnight, and again I've seen her. Recently she mentioned that she will be applying for local jobs again, with the same organisation, at the same level as she is at now. She says that she is lonely and hasn't really found much satisfaction there, nor done the soul searching she thought she would. She had asked her H to move to join her interstate and he refuses to leave his job for a number of factors, so she's probably going to come back to maintain a level of comfort about her lifestyle. And possibly start a family

 

I'm totally mixed up about her decision to return. I'm heartbroken by falling so deeply for her and thus want her near, but I can't keep going through the same highs and lows and frustrations as before either. She made a choice to stick it out with the M, but being around day-to-day again is going to cause me even more pain, especially if she withdraws from me; and though I have visited her to date, while she's interstate there is a better chance that we can end things and both try to move on.

 

Maybe I should get a new job, but frankly in the present economic climate I'm protected where I am and I have enough extracurricular activities going on that my situation is tolerable. I don't really feel that it should be up to me to give her space when she is quite aware of how hurt I am.

 

This issue has been keeping me up at nights. I don't feel I can tell her not to apply for the job, but going through things in my head I can feel the pain already ... and worse, because I feel caged I am feeling the bile rising, wanting to smash her M completely, and not for the sake of winning her back but to push her away ... but in calmer moments I don't want to hurt anyone either, we have already hurt a number of people through this A ... I hate the way I feel and probably need help, might be time to go back to IC. Sorry for the long post ... just feel lost and lonely at the moment

[greengoddess]

She's having an affair with you but is going to start a family with her husband?

 

This is a no brainer and you know it. Just look at her character. Who starts a family in the middle of an affair? Is that the type of person you want to be involved with?

 

She has no kids. Leaving her marriage now is easy and she's choosing to have ties with her husband forever.

 

NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT. Just think about those words that she wants kids while in an affair. it should make it really easy. She is the ultimate of selfish. Wants her husband, wants you and some kids into this mess too and doesn't care who gets hurt.

 

Save yourself. NO CONTACT. Change your number, change your email.

[skywriter]

Longtermer,

I am living through similar bad choices. I ignored my lil' intuitive voice that screamed "run", waved flags too. You gotta love you enough to not keep allowing this charmer into your heart. She had her chance with you and she's made a choice to maintain the fasade of a M and now add an innocent child into the mix. Run darling!!! You deserve better and there is surely someone better out there looking , waiting, and hoping for you to come there way. It will be gut wrenching hard to come off of the addiction that you have for her. Just hang in there though and you'll be stronger in the end, not to mention wiser. (I could stand to practice my own preaching by the way.)

[Awakening]

It apparently doesn't matter if she lives 500 miles away or 5 minutes away, you will still see her if you want to.

 

If you want this to end YOU have to do the footwork. I see no answer but NC but from the sounds of it you are really not ready. I have been in the same boat.

 

I faked it till I made it, meaning I told myself that I no longer loved that person and even prayed that I would get over him. Eventually it started to sink in that the relationship was going nowhere. These relationships tear at our self esteem and put us in such a state of denial that people on the outside cannot believe the crap we put up with. After really working on myself and not concentrating on the mm I managed to pull through.

 

I also work with my xmm but I avoid this person because I now WANT to. He still attempts contact but I won't take the bait at the risk of my mental and emotional health.

 

If she is talking about starting a family with her H then she obviously doesn't really give a rat's a$$ about you. She is a cake eater.

 

Let it go.

[whichwayisup]

This woman isn't going to leave her husband, her actions prove this. I mean, if she was totally inlove with you and wanted a new life with you, don't you think she would have confessed everything and took that opportunity when her H found out about the A to leave him? Instead, she downplayed the affair (threw you under the bus) and decided to work on her marriage, yet keep you on the side as the OM.

 

If you want her, it'll "just" be in the role of the OM. Do you truly want her enough to settle and be second fiddle to her husband always? Don't you feel you deserve better and more? Want someone that you can have for yourself, someone you don't have to share? Someone to create a family with, build a life with? If you stay with this MW, you'll always be where you are now. Is that enough?

[wildsoul]

Let your inner revulsion about her wanting to create babies with him while keeping you on the side be your motivator.

 

If you end it now, before she comes back and gets pregnant, you will be so much better off. You might feels pangs of missing what cannot be, but you'll also feel good that you drew a boundary before things got really really messy.

 

Start therapy now and get help so you'll be able to cut contact with her. Seems like the timing is perfect. Do it before she moves back!