When the worst thing you can say is 'I love you'

[Lily Rose]

I love him. He loves me. I'm engaged to someone else.

 

Michael: I've been with my (now) fiance for four years. We were both young when we got together and fell in love pretty instantly. We planned to live together and get married from a very early stage. I never questioned it until I met a certain person...

 

Alex: It started two years ago. Gradually we became friends and our feelings grew. I broke up with my boyfriend to date him, but he was always busy, and we didn't see much of each other. My ex and I had tried to stay friends, but he found it too painful. He decided to leave for good and never see me again. It overwhelmed me and I begged him to stay and let us try again. We did. It went great until...

 

I was about to move away, where I probably wouldn't see Alex much again. I also knew Michael was about to propose. I wanted to finish the Alex episode for once and for all, so I wrote him a nice letter, telling him all I wish I'd said before, and wishing him well.

 

Michael proposed. I accepted. It was wonderful. I just wished my other feelings would go away.

 

Alex received the letter and came rushing to my house to see me. He said it was to say goodbye, but with hindsight I know he wanted to win me back.

 

I can't excuse what happened that night. But you can take your romance novels and tear them up. Because I never thought it was possible to be so consumed by passion, so on fire with love as we were then. Our minds were perfectly intuned, we felt so comfortable being together, it was as if we'd always been that way.

 

A painful goodbye was exchanged. The next two weeks we phoned one another. I avoided my fiance and tried to think. I completely lost my appetite for food and sleep from the crazy feelings going on inside me.

 

We met once more. The same thing happened, and I decided I had to leave Michael. It was a mortifying thought, but what else could I do?

Alex reveals his heart so rarely that when he whispers 'I love you', I know he means it. And so did I. When it was time to leave, I waited for him to say the scary words to me again. I waited. He looked like he wanted to. But he didn't, he said 'goodbye'.

 

I haven't seen him in six months.

 

So Michael challenged me, and we broke up. A messy, horrible break up that lasted a week. I couldn't bear seeing him so broken and hurting that he seriously considered killing himself. Our mutual friends looked after him while I spent time alone. We'd grown together for so long that without him I was left with a horrible emptiness. And worse than that, the knowledge of what I'd done to him. I thought I'd never deserve happiness again.

 

Living with this void in me taught me that there is a lot more to love than passion and potential. When Michael eventually decided to give me another chance, I was all to ready to take it.

 

It hasn't been easy, I'll admit. I have a lot to answer for. I tried to limit damage and instead caused an explosion. Alex hasn't spoken to me and I don't blame him. We've agreed to wait until our feelings change before seeing each other. Meanwhile, I'm trying to make it up to Michael, my soul mate, partially by getting over Alex.

 

But it's hard. I still miss Alex like a constant dull ache, like there's a leak in my heart, even though it's out of the question to ever be together again. Truthfully, I just want both Alex and Michael to be happy.

 

So there you have it. I've defined and redefined love several times, trying to make sense of the faulty equation here. I love them both slightly differently. Both are lovely people who I've shared emotions and experiences with, and who I really care about. But feeling this way for one is harmful to the other. It is confusing and emotionally nauseating.

 

I think I've finally done the right thing, but I'd appreciate your opinions.

 

How do you define love?

 

How long does it take to get over someone?

 

How should I prevent this happening again?

[gd26]

You have to pick one person, and stick with it. (Otherwise, maybe neither of these guys are good for you, and you shouldn't be with either.) What you are doing to their emotions is awfully inconsiderate. Your fiance never deserved your messing around. I am sure he is broken over it. What right do you have to hurt someone like that? Would it be okay for him to cheat on you too? You are only sabotaging yourself as well, as you will be living in a relationship damaged without trust. Who wants that? You are causing suffering to both of these men as well as yourself. It doesn't seem like either of them deserves to be with you. It seems like you need time away to find yourself and figure out what you want for yourself in life.

[wowIlose]

wow - I gagged slightly reading this... how about you grow up. Seriously...

[TeaAbraham]

Wow, I almost felt like I was reading a post that could have been by my ex. Interesting view from the other side.

 

I love him. He loves me. I'm engaged to someone else.

This is in the present tense. So after all that you've written and how you are back with michael after he's giving you another chance you are still in love with the other guy? Your fiance is "someone else?" You should not be his fiance. He does not deserve that. Your whole situation is really f*cked up. Don't pretend like it's not by getting back together with Michael. You're not ready to be given another shot. You still have some sort of feelings for another. How can you be engaged like that? How? How can you say that you want to live the rest of your life with this guy when you have feelings for another? You're not giving your fiance what he deserves.

 

It's all just a lie if that's how it is. And he is giving you a shot and having so much faith in you, you obviously don't deserve it. I would love to be engaged to somebody who is still struggling over emotions with someone else. Even better, I would love to be married to someone like that. Oh wait, even better. I would love to have kids with someone who shares her love with someone else.

 

It's just not right.

 

So you have a few options.

 

You could leave michael. Go running ot alex. See if things work out. You don't really know if they will. I had the same chemistry you had with alex wih my ex. Guess what happened to the relationship? I'm here on LS. So things may or may not work out. Who's to say. I don't know what the probability is. You would still have feelings for michael though (I hope you would. If not, why are you engaged to him?), so you wouldn't be giving either of these men your all. But if you left michael, there's no way in hell he is ever giving you another shot ever again. So regardless if you still have feelings for michael, he couldn't run to him like you ran to alex if something goes awry. So you're banking everything on alex, which may or may not work out in the long run. So right now you could probably have either of them. If you left for alex you would only be able to have alex, whom you would then be much more depdant on as a result. While this means you will probably want to work through problems more, it also means you will be more clingy, which has the potential to push him away. Let's just go with a 50-50 chance it will work out with you and alex. So your odds of eternal happiness (except for your guilt) are 50%. And then your odds of having neither of them are 50%. So in both cases Michael is left on the wayside, feeling like ****, and there is a 50% shot that you will eventually be likewise. So in any-case Michael is screwed, and half the time you're screwed, and alex wins 100%.

 

So lets say you stay with michael and get married. You still have feelings for Alex. This makes your relationship more likely to fail. Let's say there is a 75% chance you two break up after 6 months due to your lingering feelings, and thereafter the probability drops by 15% each month for the next 3 months until it stabilized at 30% (not too bad granted the divorce rate). Now let's say with Alex there is a 5% probability starting 3 months from now (the time it takes him to get over you) there is a 10% chance he finds someone else and completely moves on. So at month 6 you have a 75% chance of having michael not work out, and there is a 10% chance you wouldn't be able to get with alex. But there's a 50% chance it won't work out with alex even if he doesn't have someone else, so that 10% where you're screwed needs another 45 percent added to it, which is 55% probability of being screwed even wth alex! So lets focus on the "you're screwed" probability, where you can't be with either michael or alex. For the first three months there is a 75% chance you won't be with michael, but a 100% chance you could be with alex. So for the first three months there is 38% chance you are screwed. You have alex to fall back on every time, but only a 50% chance of things working out.. But month 4 comes and suddenly alex could possibly be with another woman. In month 4 there is a 75% chance you won't be with michael, and a 55% chance if that happens that you won't be with alex either, in which case you're screwed. So you're total chances of being screwed for month 4 are 41%. For month 5 there is a 75% chance you're not with michael (still got those butterflies for alex!), and a 60% chance alex is with another woman or it won't work out with you two. So you're screwed probability is 45%! For month 6 you're probability of being screwed is 49%. At month 7 finally you start getting over alex and your relationship with michael gets better. So 15% better relationship, combined with a 70% screw factor with alex, you've got an 42% screw factor. It's actually gone down! For month 8 it's still 18%. For month 9 it's gone down to 34%. So after this point the you're screwed probability starts to go up again, because alex is moving on and on and you've stabilized at 30% screw probability with michael. Until after a while there is a 30% chance you're screwed as alex has 100% moved on and you have a 30% chance with michael, until you hit about age 40 where it starts going down about 5% every 3 years until it reaches a 0% screw probability at age 58.

 

Now think of michael doing all of this and everything you've done to him with another woman. Oh wait, he probably wouldn't because he loves you.

 

I'm actually amazed you didn't run to alex when michale broke up with you.

 

I think you need to purge your feelings for one of them before you could be with either of them. But who's to say alex hasn't already moved on anyway? Then you're stuck with michael regardless huh? You need to find out what love means to you. And not just theorize what love should be. You need to know what love IS to you. You need some integrity. Is love wishy washy? Is love half-assed? Apparently so. It seems to me like in feeling for both of these guys you love neither and potentially hurt both. Maybe you could just hurt one? But then how do you decide? I don't know. You seriously just need to be truly alone for a while.

 

I am sorry this is very harsh. I really am. But let this be some useful insight into how much capacity you have to hurt people and how badly they may feel. And you're even letting him take you back when you're not completely healed but just because you were alone for a while and couldn't handle it, giving yourself another shot at hurting him like crazy again?

 

So tough love here, but you really need to step back and figure out what love is. At it's core it's integrity and commitment. Who the hell are you in love with?! It can't be both. All your chips are in when you're in love. And that's why it hurts so much when you get screwed over. But love just doesn't work unless all your chips are in. You've got some chips here, some chips there. I think you need to just leave the table and rethink things for a while. Rethink it all!

[Surfer Dude]

This is horrible. How can you do this to the man you claim you love and you promised to spend your life with? It's just unbelievable.

 

If you don't love him, then be honest with him and leave his life forever, give him a chance to be happy with someon else. It's extremely immature to string him along just because you can't decide which one you want.

 

It actually reminds me of my ex, who would date couple of men at once, being unable to decide which one she wanted... sickening. Do you have any idea how much you're hurting both of them? Do you feel no compassion for the man you claim you love?

 

Sorry for harsh words, but this is how I feel about this.

[quankanne]

How do you define love?

 

How long does it take to get over someone?

 

How should I prevent this happening again?

 

when you love someone, you do what's best for them even knowing that it'll cause you pain. In your particular case, your smartest move would be to give up BOTH men and get yourself straightened out – it's like you can't decide which prize is going to be the most fun, so you grab them all. Not that you're bad for doing this, just creating some unnecessary misery all around. Again, you really need to step back from both relationships so that you can sort out what love really is to you when you look at it as a long-haul thing.

[Winnie B.]

As you are now between two fires,and the fires are growing starting burning you from inside and outside,

you just need ,must, are to decide with whom to stay and whom to let go for God`s sake really .

They do not deserve this . Not only You are suffering,but them both ... because of you . Decide whom you want and let the other go .

[openbook08]

Lily Rose i have no words for you (well none that youd wanna hear)

im just speechless

poor michael.

[alwayssme]

I read your post and I kept thinking to myself...

 

Hmmm... she likes two men. They both love her. Most of us here are HURTING because someone like YOU has done this to us. And now we're left with nothing but a broken heart...but i'm not here to bash you...just saying the first thoughts that crossed my mind...and let me tell you IT IS NOT PRETTY BEING THE HEARTBROKEN ONE...meaning being michael and alex...they must be really hurt.

 

I understand your situation may be "confusing" but umm you cheated on your fiance?? and your first headline says "i love him. he loves me. im engaged to someone else." Sounds to me like you want Alex because you have "passion" with him, while Michael is someone you love as a person and is someone you really care about.

 

I'm gonna say this and dont take it the wrong way but be careful...life has a way of turning things around on you..although your not a bad person and you are not doing this with the intention of hurting them...karma is a b*tch....im speaking because i know from experience....in a blink of an eye, everything can change...but that guilt of making people you love suffer...well it takes a long time to go away and sometimes it never does. You cannot possibly LOVE two people at the same time, so you dont love neither one of them...true love is much deeper than that and you wouldnt hurt someone u love!

[norajane]

Alex = infatuation, lust, desire

Michael = fall-back guy

 

You don't LOVE either one of them. What you love is the validation you get from these guys.

 

Love is an action verb. It's something you DO, not just something you feel. Loving people means behaving in a loving way toward them. It means your actions are loving and kind and thoughtful. Love is not selfish and about me me me and how these guys make you feel.

 

Instead, your actions are cheating, running back and forth between both of them over and over depending on whether Alex wants you at that particular moment, and treating Michael like a yo-yo.

 

You should break up with Michael, and stay away from Alex and any other guy until you learn what real love actually is and how to treat people in a loving way. You should stay far, far away from anything remotely resembling marriage, because you will fail at it and will hurt both your husband and any children you might have before you cheat again.