does no contact work in this situation

[bkaz01]

so here i am again confused and feel as if i have no where to turn to. after three years we broke up in september for the 3rd time and her changing her number 4 times this years she did it to me again on friday. we still hung out occasionaly and talked everyday until monday after thanksgiving

before friday she said to me on monday that she needed so space and to leave her alone until friday and she will talk to me so i left her alone. friday came and she said she just cant do it itsto hard and that it was better not to have to call me everyday and she thinks its best.

what confuses me and sends me into a downward spiral is that the fact that the day before thanksgiving she was saying she misses sleepinin with me and laying withm, thanksgiving she wanted to come overand see me and friday after she called at 1 am wanting to comeover and i said no its not right eight now and i want to spend quailty time with u. then monday she did what she did after that morning saying she wanted to take our dogs to get pic w santa

another confusing factor is i didnt talk to her all weekend and last night she came on im which she never ever does unless she changes her number and talks to me she has 10 people on her list and none of them are on. we talked nothing good was really said but before she signed off she said just so u know i want my life to end asap. there is no point in living no one apperciates me and so on and so forth...and nothing was said today she also said she does not wanttotalk everyday and that led to her changing her number

so my question is will the no contact rule make her miss me more and come back esp w the holidays coming up i know she wont want to be lonely nor will i. please help this is really important to me for som quality advice

[DSM-IV Tom]

Everyone says use NC just for yourself and to heal... they say if you use it for anything else, then you are evil/wrong/manipulative.

 

To those fools I say "All is fair in LOVE and war".

 

I Nc'd my ex and she came running back. Because I knew I loved her and treated her good and my absence would grant her the ability to see that.

 

Unfortunately, I am an idiot with words, and I said some wrong things here and there. (Maybe moved too fast). So anyways, I'm back to NC with her again (Rofl yes I make mistakes).

 

But listen, tell her something true and from the heart, like you love her to death and until she wants to be with you, you cannot speak to her.

 

Then cut her off 100%. And don't ***** out either. Cut her off like she's a finger with a spreading virus on it. Just do it, and don't look back.

 

You may make her miss you. Or you may end up healing by finding out she didn't care enough to come back. These fools will tell you that you won't heal if you use NC hoping to make the ex come back...

 

But I tell you you won't heal either way immediately. You will heal with time one way or another.

 

Ultimately, regardless of what you do, you can't force her to come back. So you can either choose to be strong and do NC and hope for the best, or you can grovel like a worthless starving cat and keep talking to her and begging her. One way or another, she will either come back or not, on her own, or you'll heal and move on on your own. Even if you use NC to get her back, you will heal over time if you see she doesn't and wont come back.

 

So no matter what, you will learn on your own whether or not it's worth holding onto hope. Don't listen to the know it alls who think NC is black and white, a.k.a. you either use it to heal or you're wrong.

 

Oh and btw, trust me, girls/guys aren't attracted to the starving desperate cat routine.

 

 

 

 

 

P.S., to the many who are sure they've got a solid grip on the entirety of humanity/psychology, and thus are qualified to assess whether people are right or wrong based on their use of "NC"-- come have a chat with me. I'll take you all on at once.

[bkaz01]

and again she came on im at 1230 and talked to me.....if she told me she wants no contact and changed her number but talks to me on im will this hold her up on moving on or what is going to come from this

[DSM-IV Tom]

Man I told you what to do.

 

At least, I thought I did. Maybe that mess was confusing.

 

Cut her out. Now. She is using you; talking to you so she doesn't feel guilty or like she lost anything.

 

Cut her out after you tell her you love her to death and won't talk to her til she's ready to be together.

 

Do it.

 

Cut her off.

 

Or else you're cutting your manhood off.

[bkaz01]

tom i try i seriously try i mean i live in pittsburgh and i go to bars and girls are everywhere but what is she doing if she wants no contact but talks to me on im

[bkaz01]

i also told her i have slept with another girl and she told me she went to the pens game tonight and i told her i went to a movi e w another girl tonight i hope this made her feel uneasy

[DSM-IV Tom]

Man I live in Pittsburgh too. I was stuck in downtown city tonight in the rush hour traffic. I was ready to smash heads rofl.

 

But dude I told you why she is IMing you and contacting you. She is USING you like a TOOL so she doesn't feel guilty or like she lost anything. Do you not understand this man? Tell her if she wants a tool she can go the hell to Home Depot and buy one, cuz you are a man last time you checked.

[bkaz01]

how long did u have no contact w ur ex for before she contacted u and how long were u guys together ...did u break up w here or did she dump u i was the one dumped

[DSM-IV Tom]

how long did u have no contact w ur ex for before she contacted u and how long were u guys together ...did u break up w here or did she dump u i was the one dumped

 

 

It only took 2 weeks for her to break down and contact me but it was some bs basically and I wasn't interested in bs. So I told her I wasn't about to be jerked around like a poodle on a leash. And I kept strong. If she comes back she does. If not, then she doesn't. It's been a few days since she talked to me last. I told her some great heartfelt things and reminded her I was a good dude and never cheated or lied, and then I told her I'm not going to talk to her til she's ready to be together.

 

I was dumped by her. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, of course, but at least I treated her good, never lied, and never cheated.

[bkaz01]

http://www.myspace.com/rjkaz01 hit me up maybe i could talk to u u are the first person that seemed real on this site and i need help with thissituaion

[DSM-IV Tom]

I added you but I won't be on til tomorrow. Send me a mssg and I can talk to you then.

 

But man just a warning in advance... this site goes nuts on anyone who posts a link to any other site... so expect to get warned/banned (like me, twice).

 

Lol. Crazy rules

[bkaz01]

anybody out there can u help me

[SRV]

In situations like this, you need to do the opposite. NC is not to get her back but makes you heal and move on. If you push/pressure her it will only make her move further away from you. Once you have said your piece, let it play out. If she was meant for you, she will be back, if not you will have your answer.

 

Sounds simplistic but true.

[BCCA]

Here is why NC should be used solely for the purpose of healing and getting over her:

 

Suppose a month goes by, and she gives you a call. Youre on top of the world, super happy-excited. She wants you to hang out, and so of course you do. Then, youre sitting there, happy as can be, next to the girl you love and she lays it on you "I'm so glad we can be friends. There is this guy X I've been talking to..."

 

And I know, youre thinking "she wouldnt do that". Dude, she would. I would bet everything I own that she would. Like tom said, shes just using you to not feel guilty and get her imediate needs met while not considering you or your feelings at all. Thats not to say that she doesnt care, but her mind is only thinking about whats good for her.

 

To give you a story, I was with my ex for 5 years, lived together, were planning on getting married - she dumped me. I told her that we were probably never going to be just friends, so do what you have to, but have a nice life without me. A couple months go by, I get a text to hang out, so like a fool - I do. We hang out the next day, too. Then, a few days later - she invites me over for dinner. At this point, I'm thinking everything was going well...and she basically comes out with it that she just wanted to hang out platonically, and sorry she knows how selfish it is, but she doesnt want to lose me forever...she just wants me to go along with a situation that she knows would make me misserable and really only benefit her. I tried not to get too invested in it, but its impossible. After all was said and done, I felt like an idiot and really just hated her for doing that to me.

 

Moral of the story, what you should do is get over her, and thats where NC is most useful. Dont worry if she ever calls again, if she does - she can leave a message that you may/may not return.

 

With ex's, its when youre over them/met someone else/not interested that you hear from them. And you cant fake it. With that said, why waste time on someone who didnt want you?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Ah, BCCA's specific situation is the one counter situation to my use of NC. Lol. Nice man.

 

But that can be avoided by asking her when she contacts you, if she's just contacting you as a friend/to be friends.

 

Problem solved.

[CaliGuy]

so my question is will the no contact rule make her miss me more and come back

 

No. Adamantly, no.

 

NC is not meant as a means to manipulate your ex back into your life. It's meant as the quickest way to heal.

 

If you are using NC as a way to try and force your ex to come back you will be sorely disappointed and hurting a lot longer than you have to.

 

Do yourself a favor and read the link that is contained in my signature regarding the NC rule and what it does and DOES NOT do.

 

Cheers

[BCCA]

Ah, BCCA's specific situation is the one counter situation to my use of NC. Lol. Nice man.

 

But that can be avoided by asking her when she contacts you, if she's just contacting you as a friend/to be friends.

 

Problem solved.

 

That's a perfect solution, problem is - most people dont do that because theyre affraid to mention the relationship because theyve been fooled into thinking that if they do, then it will only make things worse. So they go along with it until its too late, almost 99% of the time. If you asked why she contacted you, shes probably not going to come right out with because she knows if she does, youre not going to be interested. So, she'll probably just say she misses you or likes hanging out. Ambigious as can be.

 

Also, people usually KNOW deep down inside what the answer to that is probably going to be. Thats why its better to just ignore any contact unless its a message coming right out with their intentions. If they want to talk to you about anything else, trust me, you'll know, as hard as I'm sure that is to beleive right now.