Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I've been through the same thing recently only it was an ex (good friend) getting pregnant that freaked me out. I know this sounds bad, but it is annoying when an acquaintance or friend settles down and you're still looking on from the sidelines and feel like you can't join in. It's like watching a race and not being able to participate, even though you know you can compete just as well. I don't think the internet helps matters either, when you find out that tommy the spotty narcissist from school owns a thriving internet company and has 3 kids. I know I shouldn't do it to myself but it's a hard habit to break. EXACTLY! I know I am just as good if not better than most of my friends. I am a nice girl, I have never cheated on EXES, unlike some of my married friends. That is what is so frustrating. The internet is horrible like that, things like myspace and facebook makes me feel worse nowadays, when I see partically everyone is married with kids, and here I am single with no children. I am not so worried about my biological clock ticking, I have no desire to have children anytime soon, at least not until the right guy came along. I never wanted to have children with my EX, and I was okay with that. So thats not really an issue with me. I would be perfectly happy with a bf/fiance/husband and a dog Quite simple... or so it seems. I just don't want to get older and older, and make it even harder for me to find someone, because at this age (27) I am not going to get anymore prettier.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Being without a SO is one thing, but no one to spend Xmas with? That sucks. <big hug> RF Thanks, I need it.
Gremio Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I would be perfectly happy with a bf/fiance/husband and a dog Quite simple... or so it seems. I just don't want to get older and older, and make it even harder for me to find someone, because at this age (27) I am not going to get anymore prettier. No dog! I love animals, but can't have one. They ruin everything!
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I am 27 also and I absolutely love being single! In fact, I love it so much, that it is going to be hard for me to commit to someone. I feel like there are endless possibilities to my life and I don't have to answer to anyone. I recommend that you stop focusing on marriage and get out and enjoy life! That is awesome, good for you. I hope one day get to that stage, but let me ask you, do you have a good family? Good friends? I always think that if I had a better family, or made more money, I would beable to accept the fact that I am single a lot easier.
Isolde Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 CandyGirl, even if your family life was great, you'd still be bummed about being single. The one problem doesn't compound the other all that much. What I'm saying is try not to link them or you'll just get more upset about both issues. You may feel helpless about your family life, but you shouldn't feel that way about your romantic life. Leave some space in your life to start fresh. Also, do you even realize how many people get married in their thirties and forties these days? I'm not saying that's ideal, but you should let go of your dated notion that being a certain age makes you less desirable. In fact I know several women who look better in their thirties than they ever did.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I try not to think about it because if I do it will only depress me. I'm hoping that the right guy is out there for me and my hope is what keeps me going. I look at my Dad, and he's been married and divorced twice. He hates being alone so much so that he’s still dating a woman who has done nothing but use him for money. He's admitted this and I ask him why he keeps taking her back and he says "because I can't be alone". My sister and I are considering doing an intervention at this point. What's even funnier is that a friend of his wants to introduce him to a 50 year old woman and my Dad's response was "I don't know how I feel about dating an older woman". I said "but Dad, you're older then she is", my Dad's in his 60's!
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 CandyGirl, even if your family life was great, you'd still be bummed about being single. The one problem doesn't compound the other all that much. What I'm saying is try not to link them or you'll just get more upset about both issues. You may feel helpless about your family life, but you shouldn't feel that way about your romantic life. Leave some space in your life to start fresh. Also, do you even realize how many people get married in their thirties and forties these days? I'm not saying that's ideal, but you should let go of your dated notion that being a certain age makes you less desirable. In fact I know several women who look better in their thirties than they ever did. Yeah, you are probably right about my family situation. I just am very insecure about it, and often think that no one will want to be with me once they find out how strange/abnormal/psycho my family is... and I don't blame them. But I know many people that hate their inlaws, so maybe it won't be an issue after all.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 What's even funnier is that a friend of his wants to introduce him to a 50 year old woman and my Dad's response was "I don't know how I feel about dating an older woman". I said "but Dad, you're older then she is", my Dad's in his 60's! LOL!!!! Yes, that is why I stayed with my EX for so long, scared of being alone.
Isolde Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Yeah, you are probably right about my family situation. I just am very insecure about it, and often think that no one will want to be with me once they find out how strange/abnormal/psycho my family is... and I don't blame them. But I know many people that hate their inlaws, so maybe it won't be an issue after all. Very true. I'm sorry about your family issues, it sounds awful and unfair, but you shouldn't feel like you're doomed or anything (ever heard of the self fulfilling prophesy?)
carhill Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I would be perfectly happy with a bf/fiance/husband and a dog I've been where you are, am old enough to be your daddy, and I can say with absolute certainty that I'd be very satisfied with a cat right about now. Just a cat
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Very true. I'm sorry about your family issues, it sounds awful and unfair, but you shouldn't feel like you're doomed or anything (ever heard of the self fulfilling prophesy?) Yes, I have a BS in psychology.... LOL go figure!
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 I've been where you are, am old enough to be your daddy, and I can say with absolute certainty that I'd be very satisfied with a cat right about now. Just a cat Just a cat, no SO? I know you are having troubles in your marriage. Sorry to hear it, you seem to be so understanding.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Yeah, you are probably right about my family situation. I just am very insecure about it, and often think that no one will want to be with me once they find out how strange/abnormal/psycho my family is... and I don't blame them. But I know many people that hate their inlaws, so maybe it won't be an issue after all. Well if it makes you feel any better, my sister and I are the same way, my Mom's side of the family are a bit overbearing to be around and some of them are very negative. It frustrates me at times because I hear them talk and it's always so pessimistic. My sister was hesitant to bring her now husband around them at first for the very same reason because he comes from a family who outwardly appear completley "normal" and so well put together but no family is 100% normal if you really think about it. My sister and her husband have a good marriage and two of the best kids you could ever imagine.
carhill Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Just a cat, no SO? I know you are having troubles in your marriage. Sorry to hear it, you seem to be so understanding. Having a large sample (15 years or so) of living alone and not being social, a smaller sample of living alone and being social and living in a marriage for nearly a decade, yep, I'll take the cat . What I'm trying to tell you is that I felt a lot like you did at your age, and for another decade or so after, and have come to realize it was all in my head. All that angst I suffered was groundless and pointless. Of course, I only realize that now
RecordProducer Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 What I'm trying to tell you is that I felt a lot like you did at your age, and for another decade or so after, and have come to realize it was all in my head. All that angst I suffered was groundless and pointless. Of course, I only realize that now As they say, Marriage is like a besieged fortress: everyone out wants in, and everyone in wants out.
aamber Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I'm defintly going through this as well, It seems like all of my friends are already either married, engaged, have children, moving in with their boyfriends, or in some sad cases - Divorce. I'm not jealous of the last part. You totally wanna be supportive and HAPPY for your friends but you just can't help but feel a little sad in the back of your mind. I think as girls when we were younger we set higher expectations for ourselves. Personally, I planned to be married + have children at 25. I'm 25 now, and while I'm in a pretty good relationship. I really don't think my boyfriend is planning on purposing anytime soon. And I don't want to rush it either. It's even worse when your parents got married young as mine did, and they're all like "When you going to get married, and give me grandkids???" Ah! I hate that..
D-Jam Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I'm always curious to read such posts. Specifically, I'm interested in how women cope with the sence of doom associated with "mid-30s and not married", especially regarding the biological changes and the increasing likelihood of complicated pregnancies thereafter (this concern aside, this is obviously not a big deal...). I'm a guy and even I feel bad about it! As a guy I feel some level of sympathy for the marriage-minded women who want to be mothers and housewives. Some of them are the women men fear...the leeches who just want someone to take care of them so they can avoid responsibility in life. However, a lot of these women are more "traditional-minded". They grew up seeing their moms take care of the children, clean house, and be Mrs So-and-so to the man of the house. Now they're adults and want that too, but find just how many men now are scared of commitment, divorce, getting screwed over, etc. It used to be normal that someone at age 24-27 would marry and start a family, now it seems like you toss that idea out to most men and women, and they'll think you're crazy...treating those years as still the time to be young, free, and "sow your wild oats". Too many think they should wait til 27 or 28 to BEGIN looking for a spouse, and then end up finally finding someone in their mid-to-late 30s or never at all. While I give sympathy to men who married and got screwed over by the "evil bitches" that do exist, I feel worse for all those marriage-minded/relationship-minded women who were raised to not be empowered feminists, but instead to be wives and mothers, yet no one seems to want them. I tell any guy who want a wife and mother to go after those women. If he goes off about how he'd prefer a college-educated woman with a career, I ask him if he wants some girl to give up everything she's worked for to be a mom and wife. Back and forth it goes, and even Jillian Strauss wrote about this in Unhooked Generation. Guys who think the college educated career-minded woman is ideal, but then realize these women generally don't want to be moms and housewives...yet the guys still believe all women who didn't go to college and want to be wives and mothers are somehow leeches or trash. I'm not totally blaming men here on the problems in dating, but it's funny how this one little conundrum some men put themselves through can make things problematic in finding Ms Right, and worse how many "good women" are passed up while they try to figure it out. Biggest issue in a lot of this is also the fact that we see 30 as the age when we're truly "grown up"...while 20-29 is treated like an extension of the teenage years, only with alcohol and more money added in. Both genders need to seriously figure out what they want in life and stop thinking there will always be time, especially if one wants children. CandyGirlXO, it sounds like you had some bad luck, men who didn't work out for one reason or another. I think my suggestions is that if you tend to keep ending up with the same kinds of guys, like they all start off strong, but months to years later they suddenly are all anti-marriage or ant-commitment...then ponder if you're going to the right environments. Big downer of when you get into your 30s is that too many people are so "set in their ways" that they look at every possible mate as a "will I give up my comfort zone for him/her?" I don't know if a dating site is the answer, based on the vast amount of stories of women getting on them and finding just one loser after the next. I am of the mind that you would probably just keep meeting more of the same kinds of guys. Maybe you should take some "fun classes" and learn something fun while being sociable (since you say you work a lot). Something you pencil in and tell work you are busy that time...and enjoy it. Something of course with people around your age who are not socially inept or strange. So don't put yourself into a class for some hobby or something where it's all women showing off engagement rings...or a bunch of middle aged people who have no life. Maybe cooking classes or something. The trick is to get you out there in a non-bar kind of environment where someone can meet you. Someone who isn't like the typical guys you might end up with who disappoint you later.
Vertex Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 "If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got."
movingonandon Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Biggest issue in a lot of this is also the fact that we see 30 as the age when we're truly "grown up"...while 20-29 is treated like an extension of the teenage years, only with alcohol and more money added in. Both genders need to seriously figure out what they want in life and stop thinking there will always be time, especially if one wants children. Good post overall, but my negativity compells me to focus on this part. unfortunately, it is SO TRUE, *especially* for women. Way too many have the sad, sad, sad tendency to exagerate their sexual powers in their 20s, and not put them to any productive use. Before they know it, they end up 30, burned through a bunch of boyfriends just for fun, and with no real character or relationship skills to speak of. Then they get "the marriage itch", but often either scare mature men away or end up with a repressed nice guy, only to divorce him after the kids are off to college. That said, many men are no better. I want to vomit every time I see a 35 y/o metrofaggot ordering his 10$ half-caf-half-soy-caramel-machiado-with-a-dash of cinnamon that has nothing better to do with his time other than be annoyed at his girlfriend for not appreciating his new PS3. Just two generations ago people our age had careers and families by this age. I'm all for enjoying "the finer things in life". But that's not the same as mindless (and agressive) self-indulgence and believing in your own immortality.
Isolde Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Too many think they should wait til 27 or 28 to BEGIN looking for a spouse, and then end up finally finding someone in their mid-to-late 30s or never at all. While I give sympathy to men who married and got screwed over by the "evil bitches" that do exist, I feel worse for all those marriage-minded/relationship-minded women who were raised to not be empowered feminists, but instead to be wives and mothers, yet no one seems to want them. I tell any guy who want a wife and mother to go after those women. If he goes off about how he'd prefer a college-educated woman with a career, I ask him if he wants some girl to give up everything she's worked for to be a mom and wife. Back and forth it goes, and even Jillian Strauss wrote about this in Unhooked Generation. Guys who think the college educated career-minded woman is ideal, but then realize these women generally don't want to be moms and housewives...yet the guys still believe all women who didn't go to college and want to be wives and mothers are somehow leeches or trash. WHY do people on this forum think that women with a college education and jobs don't want to get married before 35? It's simply not true... I want to get married, wait a few years to have kids, and then work part time or from home when I have kids. (Ideally) and even if I had to work FT with kids I'd limit it to 40 hours a week.
movingonandon Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 WHY do people on this forum think that women with a college education and jobs don't want to get married before 35? It's simply not true... I want to get married, wait a few years to have kids, and then work part time or from home when I have kids. (Ideally) and even if I had to work FT with kids I'd limit it to 40 hours a week. Not good enough . "Honey, I'm home!", then sweet wife in cute apron greets me and hands me a martini (I hand her my trench and fedora). Nurse the martini in front of the (black and white) TV (to see what the damned commies are up to) until dinner (roastbeef and cranberry pie) is ready. After dinner, I spend 30 minutes showing restrained affection to the (bathed and properly dressed) kids, before wife takes over the process of putting them to bed. can't do this s**t working 40 hours a week. Aww, those were the times
D-Jam Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Good post overall, but my negativity compells me to focus on this part. unfortunately, it is SO TRUE, *especially* for women. Way too many have the sad, sad, sad tendency to exagerate their sexual powers in their 20s, and not put them to any productive use. Before they know it, they end up 30, burned through a bunch of boyfriends just for fun, and with no real character or relationship skills to speak of. Then they get "the marriage itch", but often either scare mature men away or end up with a repressed nice guy, only to divorce him after the kids are off to college. Those were the "leeches" I spoke of. Women who see marriage as more a means to avoid responsibility than a true bonding. These particular types marry more to avoid the full responsibility of an adult life. Seen many of these who skipped on college and are working odd-jobs with no real goals in life. Just floating one day into the next until their late 20s hits them and now life is creeping up. My female college spoke of these types of females as "they are looking for their Mrs. Degree" That said, many men are no better. I want to vomit every time I see a 35 y/o metrofaggot ordering his 10$ half-caf-half-soy-caramel-machiado-with-a-dash of cinnamon that has nothing better to do with his time other than be annoyed at his girlfriend for not appreciating his new PS3. Just two generations ago people our age had careers and families by this age. I'm all for enjoying "the finer things in life". But that's not the same as mindless (and agressive) self-indulgence and believing in your own immortality. I don't see anything wrong with the idea of marriage and family being redefined for the modern age. I do think though that too many out there don't take this commitment as seriously as they should. They will have children, then wonder why they have to give up on going out drinking or playing xBox to take care of these kids...or they marry and then wish they didn't because that ring is not getting them loads of attention from other men or women. I think redefined is the idea that if both sides want to work, then they can...but they don't make their lifestyle about 2 incomes, in case one has to take maternal leave. They don't take on careers where they are constantly traveling or being at the office, as opposed to home with family. They both share in the responsibilities of income, as well as housework and child care. Biggest thing is that they LET GO of the "young, wild, and single" logic. They accept and embrace that this person is the only one for them in life. They still try to go out on dates and be a couple, but they don't sit there wondering on what they might be missing or something like that...thinking they can be as outgoing as someone 10-20 years younger than them. If someone wants to be an overgrown teenager, then they should do the world a favor and get their tubes tied/cut, and not bother with commitment, as well as be honest with every potential mate that comes along and you're all about the short-term. WHY do people on this forum think that women with a college education and jobs don't want to get married before 35? It's simply not true... I want to get married, wait a few years to have kids, and then work part time or from home when I have kids. (Ideally) and even if I had to work FT with kids I'd limit it to 40 hours a week. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. I was mostly speaking of men who have this delusion that some educated career woman is going to just give it all up to clean his home and have his kids, playing the Ma Cleaver role. That or even some who want the career woman so she'll take on half the expenses, but yet these guys believe she should do all the cooking, cleaning, and child care. Can you believe that? It's like I said, people need to redefine marriage and family for the modern age. I believe two career people can be married with kids, but they have to have balance. It might mean they both won't go as high on the corporate ladder as they wish (because they can't devote every ounce of their time to work), but they can have a good stable life and good kids come out of it. As I mentioned before, the problem was more the particular types of males I've read about and seen who seemingly have the delusion that the modern age means they should just marry, give sperm, and pay half the expenses while the wife should do the rest. All the "traditional woman roles" PLUS half of his male role. It's no wonder why so many divorces happen.
Isolde Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. I was mostly speaking of men who have this delusion that some educated career woman is going to just give it all up to clean his home and have his kids, playing the Ma Cleaver role. That or even some who want the career woman so she'll take on half the expenses, but yet these guys believe she should do all the cooking, cleaning, and child care. Can you believe that? It's like I said, people need to redefine marriage and family for the modern age. I believe two career people can be married with kids, but they have to have balance. It might mean they both won't go as high on the corporate ladder as they wish (because they can't devote every ounce of their time to work), but they can have a good stable life and good kids come out of it. As I mentioned before, the problem was more the particular types of males I've read about and seen who seemingly have the delusion that the modern age means they should just marry, give sperm, and pay half the expenses while the wife should do the rest. All the "traditional woman roles" PLUS half of his male role. It's no wonder why so many divorces happen. Then we're completely agreed. I'd actually love to take on a bit of a housewifey role, but that can be hard. In this age, the only people who can afford to live on one income are people who marry rich surgeons or top execs. And while that could be awesome, there are things higher on my list when looking for a marriage partner than money. So... I'm planning out a career, but I do have my limits and things I could easily give up when I get married and start a family. I would never want a "house husband," yuck. The ideal for me would be both people working but not overworking and both helping out with house stuff, with the wife doing cooking/cleaning and the husband doing manual labor.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 WHY do people on this forum think that women with a college education and jobs don't want to get married before 35? It's simply not true... I know so untrue! I went to college, because I grew up poor, and I didn't want to live that way anymore. Also I didn't want to be one of those women who are financially stuck in relationship, because she can't support herself. I have always wanted/looked for a husband, thats why usually I have been in a LTR since I was 16...they just don't work out in the end. But I have always been open, and I would have gotten married earlier, even in college I would have for sure. I want it all, a marriage, and a career. Sad that sometimes we have to choose one or the other. I just can't stand those women that expect a guy to take care of them financially. I thought most guys felt the sameway, but it seems like I might be wrong.
D-Jam Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I've only been of the idea that male or female, if you want children and a family...and you don't want them raised by nannies or day care...then you have to set limits on the career. That means you can't take on the jobs, projects, and ambitions that keep you at work 60+ hours a week. If it means you don't get to become the CEO of the company then that's the price you pay. Lord knows out of all the wealthy executives I've met in my life, NOT ONE of them had good stable children...and many more never married or had kids, male and female. The ones who had kids more or less show how dysfunctional things can be when their mother and/or father are only there a little bit at a time, because they're mostly at work. Marriage, family...that's not something anyone can just put on the shelf when they don't feel like being a part of it. That becomes like the job...part of your life...and a must in your timeframe of days and weeks.
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