Vertex Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Haha, for sure EDIT: Crap I keep trying to add more to this post but it's coming out wrong. Basically I am trying to say that sometimes times like these make future good moments that much more profound. I've noticed that I've begun to appreciate things more, and sometimes bad experiences are more temporary than I initially think. You learn what to look for and what to avoid, and you learn how to hold onto the things that matter. But, that's not quite all what I'm trying to say. Having trouble articulating. Blast my insomnia haze. You're a good person -- hang in there.
Isolde Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I've noticed that I've begun to appreciate things more, and sometimes bad experiences are more temporary than I initially think. You learn what to look for and what to avoid The first sentence really makes sense, but the second, well, I still need to work on that
RecordProducer Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I am almost 27Oh, my God! You're getting really, really old! Hurry up cuz next year you'll be almost 28. Look, marriage per se doesn't equal happiness. It's just another stage of life. It's like saying that the person who works is more accomplished than the one who is still going to school and working on her PhD. Every stage is important and there is no right time for marriage anymore. If you're still childless in ten years, start thinking about your biological clock. With the divorce rate being roughly 50% (and unhappy marriages making roughly 100% ), I don't see what your problem is. Enjoy your singlehood.
Vertex Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I don't even know what I meant anymore, haha. Haven't slept in a while lately. I meant something along the lines of "You learn what to pursue in life that matters -- to pursue what brings you happiness, and you learn how to deal with more difficult problems or avoid them altogether through knowledge and experience"
Isolde Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Oh, my God! You're getting really, really old! Hurry up cuz next year you'll be almost 28. Look, marriage per se doesn't equal happiness. It's just another stage of life. It's like saying that the person who works is more accomplished than the one who is still going to school and working on her PhD. Every stage is important and there is no right time for marriage anymore. If you're still childless in ten years, start thinking about your biological clock. With the divorce rate being roughly 50% (and unhappy marriages making roughly 100% ), I don't see what your problem is. Enjoy your singlehood. Well, I think the OP just wants to be in a relationship first and foremost. At least that's the impression I get from back and forth with her on a few threads.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I agree with enjoying your single time while you still have it. I wish I had never gotten married, had taken the kick-ass job I had been offered (turned down to move to another state with my then-BF/now-exH), and done a ton of traveling. I'm in no hurry to get back into marriage. I want to be able to make choices for awhile that affect only me. As for the holidays, if I hadn't been strong-armed into going out to visit my family (haven't seen them in a LONG time, and for good reason), I think I would consider volunteering. I know it might seem cliche, but really, maybe if you could volunteer for a local soup kitchen or charity group (like a Sub-for-Santa type thing), it would take your mind off of your own life. I'm being totally serious with this suggestion. Food pantries also use volunteers for accepting goods, organizing, and distributing. I think it would be so much fun to get involved in something like Sub-For-Santa or Toys for Tots or something. If I wasn't stuck going to see my family and then working every dang day other than that, I would definitely get involved volunteering. Thankfully, my boss is being a slave-driver this season, so I'll be plenty busy.
MN randomguy Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 OP, In a similar situation. My family really isn't on my side. No SO, live in a rented room like a dorm room, don't even have a dog. I'm 29. My friends are busy on weekends with the wife and kids. It is frustrating. One thing I think girls fall into is the idea that you're competing. For you its a good deal that your friend is getting married not only because she's your friend. But, now you have a friend couple. Which expands your network. If she's got a good husband, remember, birds of a feather flock together. So, if his friends are going to be at the wedding make sure you're not feeling bitter that day. 27 isn't old. You've got a few years before you can fill your apartment with cats and be bitter.
Gremio Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 LOL yes I know! I just feel like how much torture can one person take? I know in the long run I will appreciate things a lot more, but enough is enough already. I know. The last two weeks have been pretty rough on my end. I just keep looking forward, setting goals for myself. It gets my mind off of the things that drive me nuts.
Rudderless Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I've been through the same thing recently only it was an ex (good friend) getting pregnant that freaked me out. I know this sounds bad, but it is annoying when an acquaintance or friend settles down and you're still looking on from the sidelines and feel like you can't join in. It's like watching a race and not being able to participate, even though you know you can compete just as well. I don't think the internet helps matters either, when you find out that tommy the spotty narcissist from school owns a thriving internet company and has 3 kids. I know I shouldn't do it to myself but it's a hard habit to break.
Woggle Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Your friends will probably be divorced in a few years anyway so don't sweat it.
RecordProducer Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 If she's got a good husband, remember, birds of a feather flock together. And if he isn't good, then that's pretty comforting.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Try not to feel bad, it's only going to make you more miserable. It's hard to see everyone around you getting married. I have tons of friends who have gotten married and I sometimes feel I am going to be the "last one." My best friend got married last year, and although I was very happy for her, I was a little sad because she was getting on to the next step in her life and i felt like I was being left behind. Try not to be upset and think positively that your time with come. Hard to do, but being jealous and miserable makes your life hell, trust me.
Miss K Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I feel for you, I've been there too. For me it's not just about marriage, but of finding someone that wants to share their life with me. At 27 I saw all my friends and work colleagues planning weddings and showing off engagement rings while I would be all alone wondering why no one wanted to be with me. I felt so lonely, isolated, sad and worthless. Please don't be like me, I spent a couple of years alone thinking that and wish I hadn't wasted my time. But then at 28 I met a man totally by chance (friend of a friend, at an engagement party that I felt bitter and sad about) who changed my life. I went from living in a run-down apartment in a cold part of the UK to emigrating to Florida, finding the perfect job and living a life that others could only dream of. And all this happened within a couple of months. I'm not married or engaged yet, but will be in a few years. It will happen, and when it does it will be the right time. No need to force it! You will find someone and although you feel crap right now, take every opportunity to enjoy these weddings, and smile a lot because you never know who might have their eye on you! Even if you have to fake it, do it. Faking it worked quite well for me (vodka helped), and at that time I had already planned my spinsterhood. ((hugs))
D-Jam Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I feel so left out, so behind in life. It's different when you are a female, not sure if the guys will understand this at all. I am just having such a hard time right now. I don't even have a BF, let alone a fiance, I am almost 27, I have an OKAY job, my family is horrible. I don't even want to go into details there because it will just upset me even more. Please don't take anything I say here as an attack of any kind. Usually when I see the 1-2 girls in the "groups" who are still single, no BF or fiance, and it seems like all their gal pals are marrying off and settling down, I'll want to delve into deeper why they are single and why they can't seem to find the "decent man" they want. Sometimes it's just a lot of bad luck...and I feel for those women. Other times though we find that it's more of things like "she's too picky" or she wants some unrealistic standard of male. Sometimes it's some past heartbreak or some experience makes her reluctant to get close to any guy. So she'll say how much she wants love, but when it comes down to that moment, she'll cringe and run. Sometimes they live lifestyles that keep dating from happening, like the hardcore career woman who works all the time. Sometimes they have big red flags they don't even see. You're 27, "ok" job, family you don't get along with (I'm assuming). I'm just going to ask you point blank: 1) Why do YOU think you're still single and can't seem to find someone? 2) How much effort do you make to meet guys and date them? 3) Do you feel that the standards you set for your ideal guy might be too high? or they are realistic and reasonable? Or a snowstorm, if you're a Chicagoan Right now it's raining...and I don't just mean water from the sky. So I should just get over it and be happy for my friend I know. But its just so hard sometimes. How am I not supposed to feel angry at life, and bitter about my situation? Something that just seems so easy to everyone else, is so hard for me to find. I guess I won't fully understand it because I'm a man. We're not as driven as women are to marry and such. For me, I got to the point where I just felt like every woman I met was either a flake or they were holding out for some standard of man that didn't come easily or didn't exist at all. Made me look at love as something not important to me. It's why I live my life in a sense where I just don't care if I have someone and I feel like I won't miss out in life if I never marry and such. Not saying this is the solution for you, but sometimes you should also look at your peers and wonder how many of them have happy marriages and lives, and how many of them have drama and even divorce? It's funny when those in the RLs will tell me on the side how lucky I am. How free I am. Both men and women telling me this.
LoveLace Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 This could make you feel better or worse. But I was you at your age...now I'm 32, and I'm still you...no boyfriend, with friends raising their families like crazy and only 1 single girlfriend I can count on to go out with. It's a challenge for me to not let it make me sad, everyday. I've spent the last couple of years trying to feel truly happy with myself and with what I have. This doesn't happen over night but when it does, it really helps. It has not changed the fact that my dating life sucks, however. Every guy is the wrong guy for some reason or another. It just doesn't bother me as much as it used to. If I were to let it be any other way, I'd get way too depressed. Instead I decided to look out for myself and not let this happen...but I also have family and friends to be very thankful for. To feel you have a non-fulfilling family life only makes this more difficult for you. But if it's a non-fixable situation, you can still somehow make peace with it. I would work on that 1st, before depending on love to make it all seem better. 1 step closer is to indulge in the things YOU love...shopping, music, whatever it may be. There are lots of things that can be enjoyed without a person there with you. An example for me is that I was once an anorexic as a teenager. Thin was never thin enough. I thought the thinner I was, the more attention I could get from boys. Even after recovery, I struggled with my body image and let it determine why anyone wasn't attracted to me. But finally now I see what's attractive about myself and know how to use it to my advantage. I'm still not as thin as I want to be, not even close...I still pick the parts of me I hate...but I'm at peace with it being there. I just focus on what's nice about myself and the non-fulfilling things just sord of take a back seat in my mind. Maybe with the right kind of counseling and such you could have a similar experience; it would boost your confidence in a way that makes it more acceptable to feel different from your friends. I still feel deprived of many things like love, but I no longer feel "left out" as often. I enjoy the time with my friends and their kids. Welll good luck.
Isolde Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I'm not sure I completely agree with DJam's advice that one should live their life as though they'll never find someone. I think you still need to expect, way in the back of your head, that things will work out. What's the point of getting set in your ways so much that you can't even see yourself in a relationship anymore? I think you should be able to be happy single, but it's okay to be like, "Gee, I do want a relationship with a great guy, and I think that would enhance my life." Allow yourself to have just a little vulnerability.
refurb Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I have no plans for Christmas, I will get no presents or give presents. I will do nothing. And yes it makes me depressed, I know I need to get over it and grow the F up. Being without a SO is one thing, but no one to spend Xmas with? That sucks. <big hug> RF
D-Jam Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I'm not sure I completely agree with DJam's advice that one should live their life as though they'll never find someone. I think you still need to expect, way in the back of your head, that things will work out. What's the point of getting set in your ways so much that you can't even see yourself in a relationship anymore? I think you should be able to be happy single, but it's okay to be like, "Gee, I do want a relationship with a great guy, and I think that would enhance my life." Allow yourself to have just a little vulnerability. Well...my logic is and was more on the idea that I refused to make "finding someone" such a priority and such an important thing that I depress myself or hold back my life. The last girl I dated before meeting my GF years later more or less burned me big time. She kept playing games, was a psycho, and then dumped me for her best guy friend. I know I brought a lot of it on myself trying to be a "pleaser", but after dealing with 6+ years of one woman after the next flaking out on me, rejecting me for bad boys, psychos, spoiled princesses, and women with loads of red flags...I realized I was depressing myself thinking about all this. Bringing myself down wondering if I was doomed to be alone for life. I've mentioned this story before. Instead of imagining myself as some lonely old man on his porch waiting to die, I decided to think about what I could do in my life if I never found Ms Right. I decided I would travel, go to cultural affairs, learn interesting and fun things, and live my life for me. NOW...I figuratively wrote these plans in "pencil" so I could "erase and rewrite" as things changed. I never decided to just chuck it all and give up on love, but decided that I would be the best person I could...but I would only take a woman into my life if it came on my terms for once. She had to have her head, heart, and live in order. Not some drama case looking for a quick husband or one of the many who are in their 30s and still think some bad boy will give up the easy sex life for marriage...or the "I don't know what I want" women. At that point...I really became very happy in my life. I felt like I didn't have this big burden on me. I thought about going to Italy, England, and Spain. I thought about taking djembe (African drum) classes, or learn more cooking, or possibly martial arts. I got my Masters and now had free time to do freelance web work on the side. Every day was just more a building block for making myself happy in life...on my terms. THEN...I met her. Funny how they say they always come when you least expect it. My buddy's girlfriend had a lonely coworker whom she thought would totally be a good match for me. We both reluctantly met...clicked...hit it off...and now she's my GF. It's been four months, and while she's thinking of joining the Navy and going to Dental School in SF through them, things are strong. I don't fear if we stay together or drift apart. I more see it as a wonderful time and a test to see if this is the real deal. Lord knows SF is an easy flight away and it's only 4 years with visits and summers with me...and I have plenty in my life to keep me busy while she's studying. If we last and stay strong, I will marry her. If not, then I wish her success and happiness and I will do the same for me. MORAL OF THE STORY: The biggest issue I see with so many women and some men when they hit their late 20s and early 30s is that they put so much priority on "getting married" that they either depress themselves into being "cat people" or settle for less in the name of the ring and marriage, but later end up divorced and possibly fighting over children. I think love, happiness, marriage all exist and can be successful, but times have changed and we don't easily find it when we get out of high school or somewhere in college. Before I met my GF, I was open to meeting women, socializing, dating, etc...but I didn't make it a priority. I think the OP and others like her need to do the same. Make her life about her...and let the right man find her. She should be outgoing, fun, social, do stuff, but not worry so much on IF she'll find someone and just let it happen. I guess rather than feel down because she's the last of the pack of gal pals who isn't married/engaged...she should look for positivity in life and be happy for what she does have that her friends don't. Carry the attitude that Mr Right will find her, but it's gotta be on her terms...and until then she will enjoy the world around her and her life. She won't sit at home depressed over Hagan Daas and cats, but be out there.
amymarieca Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I believe you are using marriage to validate yourself as a person. Why do you need to be married to be happy? Why don't you concentrate on things for yourself first. I know everyone says that, but it's because it is true. Also, just because people are married, doesn't mean they are necessarily happy. I am 27 also and I absolutely love being single! In fact, I love it so much, that it is going to be hard for me to commit to someone. I feel like there are endless possibilities to my life and I don't have to answer to anyone. I recommend that you stop focusing on marriage and get out and enjoy life!
movingonandon Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I'm always curious to read such posts. Specifically, I'm interested in how women cope with the sence of doom associated with "mid-30s and not married", especially regarding the biological changes and the increasing likelihood of complicated pregnancies thereafter (this concern aside, this is obviously not a big deal...). I'm a guy and even I feel bad about it! I honestly wish this wasn't the case, and I'm always impressed by women in their 30s that while they may have these motherly concerns, are strong enough to live as if they don't give an f**. I'm not sure if its possible to trully not give an f**, but really, what are the other options? Retreat in the country with 5 cats?
Gremio Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I'm always curious to read such posts. Specifically, I'm interested in how women cope with the sence of doom associated with "mid-30s and not married", especially regarding the biological changes and the increasing likelihood of complicated pregnancies thereafter (this concern aside, this is obviously not a big deal...). I'm a guy and even I feel bad about it! I honestly wish this wasn't the case, and I'm always impressed by women in their 30s that while they may have these motherly concerns, are strong enough to live as if they don't give an f**. I'm not sure if its possible to trully not give an f**, but really, what are the other options? Retreat in the country with 5 cats? Some people just prefer to live alone or put a career and other things in life first. It's surprising since it goes completely against instinct and human survival, but it's often done.
Isolde Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Some people just prefer to live alone or put a career and other things in life first. It's surprising since it goes completely against instinct and human survival, but it's often done. I think close to everyone on earth wants a relationship or at least a long term intimate partner at some point.
Gremio Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I think close to everyone on earth wants a relationship or at least a long term intimate partner at some point. You are right, but the key is most. Many nowadays are sociopaths and prefer to be alone.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Your friends will probably be divorced in a few years anyway so don't sweat it. LOL! I always tell myself things like that. 50/50
Author CandyGirlXO Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Please don't take anything I say here as an attack of any kind. Usually when I see the 1-2 girls in the "groups" who are still single, no BF or fiance, and it seems like all their gal pals are marrying off and settling down, I'll want to delve into deeper why they are single and why they can't seem to find the "decent man" they want. Sometimes it's just a lot of bad luck...and I feel for those women. Other times though we find that it's more of things like "she's too picky" or she wants some unrealistic standard of male. Sometimes it's some past heartbreak or some experience makes her reluctant to get close to any guy. So she'll say how much she wants love, but when it comes down to that moment, she'll cringe and run. Sometimes they live lifestyles that keep dating from happening, like the hardcore career woman who works all the time. Sometimes they have big red flags they don't even see. You're 27, "ok" job, family you don't get along with (I'm assuming). I'm just going to ask you point blank: 1) Why do YOU think you're still single and can't seem to find someone? 2) How much effort do you make to meet guys and date them? 3) Do you feel that the standards you set for your ideal guy might be too high? or they are realistic and reasonable? Right now it's raining...and I don't just mean water from the sky. I guess I won't fully understand it because I'm a man. We're not as driven as women are to marry and such. For me, I got to the point where I just felt like every woman I met was either a flake or they were holding out for some standard of man that didn't come easily or didn't exist at all. Made me look at love as something not important to me. It's why I live my life in a sense where I just don't care if I have someone and I feel like I won't miss out in life if I never marry and such. Not saying this is the solution for you, but sometimes you should also look at your peers and wonder how many of them have happy marriages and lives, and how many of them have drama and even divorce? It's funny when those in the RLs will tell me on the side how lucky I am. How free I am. Both men and women telling me this. No offense taking. I appreciate you trying to help me. As far as your questions. 1. I have had many long term relationships, over 2 years each, but they just don't last. I would like to say it is just bad luck. I got out of my last LTR about a year ago, and I work long hours, and don't go out as much as I would like. I don't meet guys as much as before (college) 2. Not much effort at all, I am thinking about joining a dating website, but am kind of scared to do so. 3. No not at all. My standards are pretty normal, I wouldn't consider myself too picky at all. I just want the guy to be nice, have a decent job, preferrably a college degree, no drugs, and okay looking. Pretty basic I think. Not trying to be conceited but I am a lot more attractive than ALL of my friends, and I have had a lot more LTR than them all. I just think I stay with the wrong kind of guys for too long. Like my ex who was verbally abusive towards me, took me a while to leave. Yes I think about that quite often, even though so many people are married, how many of them are actually happy. And just because they are happy now, what about 5 years down the road. I do have some gf's jealous of me, because I am not tied down by kids and I am available to flirt/do what I want, and they can't.
Recommended Posts