pollywolly Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Hello all! I'm new here and hoping for some advice and insight. I met a man a couple of months ago and we really hit it off. Lots in common! Things progressed very quickly and we fell in love. I am a recently divorced mom of four and he even really cared for my kids! I left a somewhat abusive husband and my divorce was final a month into our relationship but we had been separated for 18 months before that. This man I was seeing began to say that he was sometimes scared b/c things were going so quickly but we both agreed we couldn't help it. He would say that he was not ready for a "serious relationship" meaning marriage. I never mentioned marriage but he did he said b/c his feelings for me were so strong. I told him there were no expectations and that we should just enjoy making each other happy. He was divorced in the last two years and was hurt by his ex. He had a hard time believing I cared for him so much at first and seemed afraid I would hurt him. I told him I wouldn't. Everything was great! We spent whatever time we could together although time alone was hard since I have four kids but we managed. He spoke of wanting to take me places and how my kids needed a proper vacation. He introduced me to all his friends and his family.I introduced him to mine. One day last week,out of the blue, he said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship.He even said he still wanted to see me. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. He was shaking and very upset. I know he loved me. He told a mutual friend that I should date around but I don't want to!! I love him! He also said that he really loved me and cared for me but was confused. I'm fairly certain he spent the rest of the week at home alone and most of the weekend. He hasn't contacted me except briefly online because he heard I was not feeling well. I don't understand how he can not even contact me! All I want to do is be with him. A person can't make love disappear overnight. Tell me what to do, how to handle this. And, what went wrong? My gut reaction is to try to get him to talk but I know men are not wired like women. What should I do? I really feel he is making a mistake and blowing a chance for us to BOTH be happy.
BCCA Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I think you may have had a miscommunication for a while. When he originally told you he wasnt interested in a serious relationship, you took that to mean marrige, when in reality, he seems to have meant any kind of serious relationship. I've learned, the hard way of course, that when things like that come up, you really need to get an understanding of where everyone is at and what theyre looking for. Otherwise, you both kind of live in assumptions, everyone beleiving what they want to. If he truly cared for you, him leaving you alone completely is the best thing he can possibly do. Having been hurt before, he probably knows this. Its not going to help you move on if he's constantly calling or trying to spend time with you, because it only gives you false hopes. And if hes confused or unsure, he also needs time to clear his head. Ok, I have to be honest - him suggesting you should date around is not a good sign. He seems to want you to be happy, but probably knows its not going to come from him. And if he's blowing his chance for happiness with you, so be it - his loss, there is nothing youre going to do or say to change his mind. It really, truly is best to just go on about your business as if he isnt going back. Its the hardest thing to do, initially, but you WILL be much happier when you finally commit to going no contact and moving on. I think he does care, but for whatever reason, doesnt feel the two of you are a good idea. Again, its his loss, but him leaving you alone completely is the nicest thing he can possibly do.
Author pollywolly Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Thanks BCCA. I know I should try to move on. He did clarify that, at least inititally, what he meant by serious was marriage. That is why I was so confused as to why he was mentioning the M word because I never did.
samspade Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Hey PW - all I can tell you is actions speak louder than words. It sounds like he had a great time with you but just didn't want to get serious. I know that I have cut off relationships before they got too serious, and I have no problem being alone versus continuing something I'm not sure about. It's nothing against the woman, just that I'm secure whether I'm alone or not, and I'd rather not lead a woman on if I'm not as crazy about her as she is about me. So at least be glad he didn't jerk you around. Best of luck.
2sure Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Polly -with your divorce final, you will date other guys. This particular one is not for you right now. Maybe bad timing, maybe he loves your kids but doesnt see himself as a real part of their lives. Regardless, in the future - take it slower with your kids. And yourself. Many single parents dont let dates meet the kids for months.
Author pollywolly Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 OK, so here's the thing: word has come back to me that he is very depressed. Maybe he felt like he was out of control of his emotions and so mistakenly thought that breaking up as opposed to trying to slow down was what should have happened. He did say he still wanted to see me and he hasn't gone out with anyone else yet. So, my question is, should we talk about still seeing each other but just trying to slow down? Or is all this just pathetic, wishful thinking on my part?!
BCCA Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 OK, so here's the thing: word has come back to me that he is very depressed. Maybe he felt like he was out of control of his emotions and so mistakenly thought that breaking up as opposed to trying to slow down was what should have happened. He did say he still wanted to see me and he hasn't gone out with anyone else yet. So, my question is, should we talk about still seeing each other but just trying to slow down? Or is all this just pathetic, wishful thinking on my part?! I think its wishful thinking. Like I said to someone else earlier, do your best to never fill in the blanks for someone else, because more often than not, youre going to fill in what you want to be there. Also, even if you wanted a break, there is still a loss to mourn, so him being depressed doesnt neccesarily imply that he's regretting his decision. It doesnt mean that he isnt, but I wouldnt get too far ahead of myself. You should only talk with him if/when he comes to you and wants to talk. He has to be ready and 100% committed, and if its your idea, he never will be.
norajane Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 OK, so here's the thing: word has come back to me that he is very depressed. Maybe he felt like he was out of control of his emotions and so mistakenly thought that breaking up as opposed to trying to slow down was what should have happened. He did say he still wanted to see me and he hasn't gone out with anyone else yet. So, my question is, should we talk about still seeing each other but just trying to slow down? Or is all this just pathetic, wishful thinking on my part?! Well, do you want to slow things down? You just got divorced and you said in your opening post that you both agreed that you were moving too fast. Would you be happy seeing him, but not as often and not careening toward marriage?
Author pollywolly Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Sure, I'd be happy not careening towards marriage; I never even thought about it too much until he said something. I would be OK with it, I think, IF he were not seeing someone else. I know that is probably just bad news for me... BCCA-I hear ya about not filling in the blanks...thx
norajane Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Did he SAY anything about wanting to see other people? Or are you guessing that's behind his wanting to slow things down?
Author pollywolly Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 No, he didn't. In fact, he said that wasn't it. But I can be pretty jealous, so naturally, that is my fear. IDK what to do...
Author pollywolly Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 What I think is behind it is what he has said so much, and that is that he has never felt this way about anyone and it is all going so fast. And that he is not ready for a serious relationship. We never sat down and said "ok, we are exclusive now and very SERIOUS". We just knew neither of us wanted to spend time with anyone else. We loved each other. And since he vomited the whole day that he broke up with me and was even shaking while we were talking, and since he told our mutual friend that he was mainly worried about me, I got to thinking that maybe the reason I haven't heard from him is b/c he thinks it is easier on me that way. He told our friend that all he knows is that he loves me, he wants me, but that is all he knows.
norajane Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Why don't you call him? Maybe it would help if you and he talked things through instead of hearing things second-hand from other people. If you care for him, then suggest slowing things down instead of breaking up. Tell him you're ok with not even considering marriage at this point - that it's not necessary. Tell him you're comfortable with dating in an exclusive relationship and enjoying each other without putting all kinds of serious parameters on where the relationship is going. See how that goes. What do you have to lose, really? You can always break up for good later if this doesn't work out. But, I suspect if you take the pressure of forever commitment off the table, you may just settle into a sweet little romance.
Author pollywolly Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Thanks norajane. I am trying to keep from getting my hopes up but this just doesn't FEEL right, ya'know? Either way, I have to have some things cleared up so if it is over, I can try to proceed toward some sort of closure. I did message him and told him I would like to get together and talk sometime this weekend and he replied "Sure!" So, we will see...
Author pollywolly Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 *UPDATE* HE messaged ME online this afternoon. It was very brief and he said he had to run but that he would talk to me later. I thought "yeah right". But a little while later, he popped back up and we chatted for a few minutes. I told him we would get together sometime this weekend and talk and he said "I'd like to". When we said bye, I told him to stay warm and he said "u to hon". So!! I am trying still not to get my hopes up, but this is certainly an improvement!
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