Just wondering

[SarahT111]

Just something I was wondering last night ..

 

Why do some people bounce back from being dumped so easily but others can take years?

 

I seem to have many friends who move on extremelly fast or dont get hurt after a relationship breakup!

My best friend moved across the world for her bf of 5 years only to be dumped on arrival! She was simply like "Ok whatever" and had a new bf a week later.

 

I know a lot of people who seem to bounce back so fast and dont even get hurt after being dumped.

On the other hand I have seen people utterly devastated with their life ruined!!

 

So I was wondering it is so much harder for some people and not others?

Is it a self-confidence thing?

Or do they not love or get attached as deeply as others?

 

Just wondering....

[wmast]

Very good question. Maybe some people just weren't THAT emotionally invested or maybe those who hurt for years were invested TOO much. Also could just be different personality types. My brother and his gf of four years broke up a year ago and he took it in stride. He said that yea it hurt him but there was nothing he could do about it and that was it. He never talks about it and apparently it doesn't bother him at all. They were madly in love and were going to get married. Me on the other hand, I'm 7months post breakup and I still feel like crap. I'd like to see other replies

[melodymatters]

this is a VERY good question. i am a "quick healer' and i have often wondered if that meant i didn't truly love my partners enough.

 

My GUESS is that I do this/feel this way because of my defintion of what I want from a love relationship. True love is ALWAYS mutual, they are as into you as you are into them. If they broke the.......chemical composition of the stew we were calling love, I would have no prob shrugging my shoulders and thinking more along the lines of ' ew, glad i got rid of him before too long, I want a man who adores me as much as i adore him, or what's the point ?!?'

 

hope that helped !

[EmperorR]

Could be a bunch of things. Maybe that other person was having doubts about that relationship as well, maybe it was a ldr. Maybe they are hurting but have their own way of coping, all my friends and family think That I was ok with my cheating ex dumping me. Even though I was crying heartbroken everyday couldn't sleep eat for awhile I just put up a fake smile in public.3

[alwayssme]

I have been on both sides...

 

This was my first serious relationship and my first love but i have REALLY liked other people before him...and it's funny i remember being reallyyy into this one guy and we knew each other for quite awhile, although our relationship was not that long, we were talking for a long time. Then one day he broke it off with me and i was upset for a week but then I was like "Ok whatever, life goes on." After that he kept calling me and I was like no we're over...it wasnt that i completely didnt care. i liked him and all but i got over "us" and moved on...

 

 

there was another guy after him that i liked alottt...we were never official but we liked each other and messed around...when we stopped talking, i was hurt but i was able to live my life without him...i was okay...

 

 

My recent ex was the worst pain i ever felt...because he was my first love...now i'm trying to pick myself up and be strong because im sick and tired of being sad all the time....im actually booked for sooo many activities and clubs at my school so that i dont even have time to think about him...i love him with all my heart BUT time to let him go...i do hope to be friends with him in the future but with the way he treated me when i was crying to him and the fact that he wasnt there for me in my WORST moment makes me question if i will want that when im over him...

 

 

So to answer your question (from my experience) the amount of pain i felt depended on how much i loved the person/amount of time i spent with them/how much was the other person worth it (it hurts more when your losing a good person vs. when ur losing someone who was messed up to you)/how good the relationship was (if i had amazing moments with that person, the memories make it harder to let go because you dont want to let go of what made you happy...but if the guy made me feel like crap most of the time i "convince" myself that the break-up was for the better and i'll find someone better)...

 

 

the more you love someone and the happier you were with that person, the harder it will be to let go.

[justletgo07]

I think a quick bounceback can happen for a lot of reasons, both good and bad. Here's a quick list of what I can come up with:

 

1) You escape quickly into a new relationship

 

2) You take on a self-righteous attitude, and believe you were "wronged" by a "bad person". This always makes it easier.

 

3) People deal with loss and grief differently. For example, denial is a very common response to loss. People who are in denial many times appear to have moved on or recovered quickly, and oftentimes believe themselves that they have, but eventually they get hit with the pain and grief.

 

4) Some people have been brought up to accept the truth, even when it hurts, and to never look back. These people can completely bypass the "Trying to Get My Ex Back" stage that keeps so many people stuck, since the thought of trying to change someone's mind once it is made up does not make sense to them.

 

5) Pride. For many the process of grieving, especially publically, is unacceptable and they will never allow themselves to be that vulnerable. This could have caused them to have major barriers up during the whole relationship. On the downside, this also limits how close they are able to get to people.

 

6) Probably the rarest: The dumpee has a healthy perspective on relationships, has strong boundaries, and was able to successfully remain (at least to some degree) independent or inter-dependant with their ex before the split. These people are able to look at the relationship for what it was, accept their ex's decision, understand that their ex's decision does not relate to their own worth as a person, and can deal with their emotions in a healthy, self-assuring way. These rare people don't equate their ex with their own happiness, which is probably why they don't get dumped very often.

 

Getting dumped sucks for everyone, but I think the length of time you suffer often has to do with how you direct all of the emotions and energy generated by the break up. I think the people who struggle to recover typically do one of 2 things: 1) Focus all of their pent up energy on trying to get their ex back, or 2) Focus all of that energy inward in a very negative way, with lots of blaming and negative self-talk.

[SarahT111]

Hey guys!

 

Thanks for your replies! I found them really interesting!

Especially yours justletgo.

 

I just find it hard when I have friends who, have been in long term relationships and whom I know are very much in love, get dumped and recover very very quickly!!

 

An example is a close friend who was utterly obsessed with her bf of 3 years. He was her life!

One day he dumped her and she didnt seem to hurt at all. She was dating someone else by the end of the week and they are still together one year later.

Now I know she didnt check out of the realtionship or anything. They were very very in love and the breakup was a big surprise. But like I said she moved on so dam fast and didnt seem to hurt at all!

 

I have many friends like this and its getting to the point where I am getting very frustrated with myself as I cant do that to!

I hurt like hell!

 

I know im not a very self confident person at all so maybe this has something to do with it?

 

Im far from being the most attractive person out there and I think this plays a part as I worry I wont be able to find anyone else, or even that that played a part in me getting dumped!

 

Anyway again thanks for your replies!

Very interesting stuff!

[4by4]

It's a mixture of their past experiences with break ups, their confidence and know how to keep themselves sane and happy, their maturity, their actual feelings invested in the relationship etc.

 

I think you get better at knowing how to get over someone as your experience builds up. You learn through the process of healing what works and what does't work. Often people develop stronger life views that allows them to see situations more rationally. But the most important one is just how much feelings and emotions they invested into the relationship.

 

We can't measure or compare how much we feel for someone afterall.

[SarahT111]

I understand what you mean when you say: "But the most important one is just how much feelings and emotions they invested into the relationship." But thats where I get confused!

 

I see people who invest absolutly everything in the realtionship and whom I know love their partner so much, people who have been together for years, but when they are dumped they seem to not hurt at all!

 

My best friend loved her now ex bf so much! I have never seem her so much in love or so happy before! She moved half way across the world for him and he dumped her when she got there.

She simply took in in her stride, never shed a tear and had someone else a week later!!

 

Alost of people I know do invest alot in their realtionship and do really love their exs but not hurt when they seperate!

 

On the other hand I see people in exactally the same situation with their exs, people who love them just as much and whom invest just as much in the relationship get absolutly destroyed for years over a breakup!

 

Its like if you out two people in exactally the same situation, who feel and same and invest the same, one will bounce back and not hurt and the other will be destoryed.

 

I am one of them, I get utterly destroyed and im just trying to work out what is it with my personlality that makes me unable to bounce back like some others can?

 

 

Hope this makes a bit of sense!

[justletgo07]

Sarah,

 

I think that the main issue that is holding you back is this: You seem to believe that the failure of the relationship is a reflection of you, your attractiveness, the type of girlfriend you were, etc.

 

You were probably using the relationship as a type of personal compass that you could use to assess and determine your own value and self-worth. People are often completely destroyed by relationships because they completely merge the success or failure of the relationship with their sense of self-worth, and become dependant on the approval of the other person in order to feel ok with themselves. That's what I did, and I think many people use their romantic relationships to feel good about themselves because they don't know how to find that sense of "I'm just fine the way I am" within themselves. That's why relationships can often be such stressful situations for people. You are essentially allowing your value as a person to be determined by someone else. Talk about scary! People change their feelings all the time, so it's almost like you're putting your sense of self-worth into the stock market and taking your chances. It's so nerve-racking, yet we do it all the time!

 

Try repeating this to yourself over and over "I'm ok. He broke up with me, but I'm ok. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. My value and worth have nothing to do with the relationship ending. I'm ok." You can come up with your own, of course, but part of it is just focusing on this idea that although the relationship failed, you are not a failure! You're a fantastic person, and there are plenty of attractive, intelligent, funny guys who would love for a chance to date you.

 

I hope you find a little peace of mind!

[SarahT111]

Thanks again justletgo07

 

You are completely right of course!

I know I put far to much emphasis on relationships!

I do use relationships as a personal compass to determine my self value and worth.

Infact I guess im like that with many things in life, If I fail at anything I get very down and blame myself!

Its one of the things I dis-like most about myself. I guess I have very little self esteem and confidence in myself which has lead to my happiness being based of whether or not I succseed it certain things in life.

 

My latest relationship was very stressful for me!

I ran a rampage just to make him happy and I forgot entirely about me.

I also have a fear that I will be alone in life, I worry that I will be single and no one will want me while everyone else is married with kids.

It is one of my biggest fears for some reason and im not sure how to get rid of it!

I guess when a relationship ends that fear becomes more of a reality for me!

 

I often wonder where this fear came from and if other people have similar worries?

[orangehose]

I think there are individual differences in resilience. Some people bounce back from ANY kind of trauma (death of a loved one, loss of a job) in stride. Probably a combination of genetics and early environmental influences.

 

There's also a good bit of random luck / chance. Your friend who had a new boyfriend in a week - well, she was lucky to find someone new she really liked in only a week (or maybe she's not picky when it comes to love). If it had been a couple of years and she hadn't run into that person, she might be on this website, writing the same post that you've written.

[jc]

Thanks again justletgo07

 

You are completely right of course!

I know I put far to much emphasis on relationships!

I do use relationships as a personal compass to determine my self value and worth.

 

I also have a fear that I will be alone in life, I worry that I will be single and no one will want me while everyone else is married with kids.

It is one of my biggest fears for some reason and im not sure how to get rid of it!

I guess when a relationship ends that fear becomes more of a reality for me!

 

I often wonder where this fear came from and if other people have similar worries?

 

 

Hi Sarah,

 

I was actually just about to start a thread about this exact topic: is it normal to be so worried about being alone and single? I worry about the same thing A LOT since my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. What if I never meet the right person? What if I never get my chance to get married and have kids? What if I'm that single friend who has to invite herself along on family outings, etc., and always attends weddings and dinner parties alone? (yes I know, like these things are SO terrible:o)

 

Part of me knows that this can't possibly be true...I will meet someone again, I won't be alone forever, but often it doesn't FEEL that way. And these thoughts are terrible because they don't make me feel any better, they make me feel a hundred times worse, so I don't know why I engage with these thoughts, it just seems to feed the fear.

 

I've seen a therapist in the past specifically in regards to this issue (I had an extremely difficult time getting over my last breakup), and what she always told me, was that these are OLD feelings. They are tied to events in your past that you've never processed or released, leaving you with a belief about yourself that you bring into each relationship. I really think that I almost caused this most recent breakup to happen because I still have this belief that I will be abandoned.

 

I'm not sure how to fix these old feelings exactly....something I have been exploring is EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy). I've done some of it in the past and it did seem to help me release some of the most stubborn emotions and fears that I held. So depending on how I'm able to cope with this most recent break up, I may be going back for more! Something you can also try at home that is kind of similar is EFT therapy (emotional freedom technique), you can find a guide on Utube, it involves focusing on the emotion and releasing it while tapping specific points on the body....I don't know if these therapies truly cause healing or not...they could just be a placebo effect, but I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm willing to try almost anything.

 

I guess I'm wondering a similar thing...is this fear of being alone and feeling as though you will be single and alone forever a common thing for people on LS? I may still post a separate thread...