SoStupid Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I am a about to rip my ****** hair out.... I have really hurt my bf for the last 5 years I have lied, cheated and decived him.. I went from a 7 year relationship to this guy and started talking to him for 7, 8 months and we started dating. well its 5 years later and all the hurt later on both parts he is realizing that he doesn't have to be with me anymore. I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME... he said he has love for me but isn't in love with me anymore...I know i deserve everything he does to me but i feel like he ripped my heart out and threw it on the ground and stomped on it.. I know i know its exactly what i did to him.. I know i need to let him go and let him have his life back and his heart back and hopefully he will be able to have the life that he once had back. but its sooooooooooo hard... I cant stop crying this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. To face the past and what i have done and stop making excusses. I know he has no respect for me he says he wants to be with me but he cant like this. He wants me to prove to him that im not the lying cheating hoe he thinks i am. I have learned and grown so much the last 5 years i have changed so much and i dont think of anyone else but him. In the beginning when i cheated on him i didn't think our relationship was going to go anywher due to the long distance and stuff but it did and i tried to hide the fact of what i did with the other dude. now it wasn't full blown sex we just messed around and talked on the phone and occasionally exchanged pictures(nothing nude or anything).. so yes it was cheating and i know it was i have admitted to it but its still fresh in is mind.. well after that happen i was fresh out of the 7year relationship i wasn't aloud to do much so i wanted to mingle with my friends, party, you know all the stuff you couldn't do in a relationship hehe anyways when this guy would hear dude in the background he was really insucure asking me who there were if they were talking to me blah blah blah.. so i would just tell him i was other places and go off to call him so there wouldn't be a possiblity he would hear another dude.. well i was younge i was thinking in effed up ways.. I should have just came out and said im here this is what im doing this is who im doing it with.. and everytihgn would have been good but i had to think sneaky!!! ERRR... well when you lie while druunk when your not drunk you dont reemember where you were at .... sooo yea needless to say i caaught there too.. another dumba** move... so after all this i realized that this dude i just drug threw the mud the last 3 year is still here and still wants to be with me and still lvoes me just as much.. So i told myself this is the one this is the dude you are suppose to be with.. I set in my head that it is what it is and what happen in the past is the past.. well he didn't think that way. the hurt, the pain was still there he never forgave me for what i did to him he just accepted it and stayed with me.. well 2 years later i have changed alot, thinkin more clearly, making better dicisions, being more positive,more open, and way more truthful well he see's the difference but he still says he cant get it out of his head. the dreams the nightmares.. he cant get over it he doesn't look at me the same.. I dont know what to do anymore. he tells me to prove to him that im not what i used to be a liar a cheater a deciver. I know i am all around the map here and not making alot of sense but i know its over between us I know that he wont ever forgive me for what i have put him threw i just wished i never messed up this bad. I WISH I WOULD HAVE FIGURED THIS CRAP OUT BEFORE HELP!! going insane:(:(
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