Humble-ment: When emotions subside, and truth surfaces in bits and pieces

[Zapbasket]

I recently posted this thread--http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170953/--where I tried to articulate my feeling of late that the "weight" of the relationship with my ex now falls mostly in the past rather than the present. Enough time has passed now (I was with my ex for 5 years, and broken up 2 years) where I feel like the majority of the hurt, confusion and remorse has subsided. The urge to blame (myself and him, alternately) has passed, such that now both of our actions throughout the relationship and at the time of the breakup stand out in high relief as just actions, without the weight of import that earlier infused them with the appearance of hurtfulness, spite, non-caring, etc.

 

I find myself viewing the relationship from a more objective place. A while ago, that "objectivity" took the form of my ex appearing on a pedestal while I was weighted down with a myriad of perceived wrongdoings on my part. Then that "objectivity" gave way to ongoing attempts to diminish him (he's not "all that," etc.), only to be forced to acknowledge that I was incapable of just writing him off as I did truly love him and do, still, see him as a good person, one whom I could love all over again, or at least regard with warmth and respect.

 

And now this "objectivity" has begun to take another form: that of realizing that maybe I'm not as much of a prize as I once thought I was. What's particularly humbling about this series of observations is that they're not angry self-flagellations and irrational blaming such as I inflicted upon myself in the early stages of post-breakup. No, this is more a cool observation that indeed I am a very stubborn, at times fractious person who has a penchant for believing I have to do everything myself and I can't trust anybody. I'm over-sensitive to criticism such that I'm quick to interpret neutral gestures or statements as criticism. I'm in a new relationship with someone else now, and we've known each other nearly a year now, and I'm seeing how these bad parts of my personality effect the people I love and who love me.

 

The good thing is that I feel capable of changing, and ready to change these aspects of myself. I feel like I have the self-insight and desire to make the change successfully. I have the self-love and love for my partner necessary to do the work to achieve the change. All these are good things indeed.

 

But what it also means is that I see my breakup in a different light, where I can now see more clearly how these difficult aspects of my personality adversely affected my ex. I hurt him without meaning to and I was stubborn without realizing just how much so, and without once stepping back to consider how it might be affecting my ex. Not because I didn't care, but because I lacked the insight. And that makes me sad, that I loved someone enough to truly give him my very best...and yet my best was not, in fact, my best--it may have been my absolute WORST and I didn't even realize it in time to do what I could to make the relationship better.

 

By no means do I think it was "all my fault" that my relationship with my ex ended. My ex brought plenty of flaws to the picture, and I think I'm seeing those with ever-increasing objectivity, also. But all this time I consoled myself by thinking I was such a wonderful prize, a truly wonderful person and girlfriend...and while I know I have a lot to offer, I also recognize that in many ways, I wasn't such a wonderful person or girlfriend in relationship to my ex.

 

It's sad, and it's humbling. I know I should be grateful for havign the insight NOW to make changes that will help strengthen my relationship with my current partner, and I do feel good about myself that I did the introspection necessary to LEARN from my breakup. But now I sit here in deeper recognition of how very flawed I am as a person, and it stings.

 

Can others relate?

[gd26]

I had a very similar realization myself today. I realized how much I had contributed to the demise of my special bond with the man I was close to last summer. When he pulled away, he told me that I was clingy - but at the time, I wasn't clear what he was talking about, as I didn't think I was clingy at all. But looking through old emails yesterday, I was stunned to see how long and tiresome all my emails to him were - they may have been sincere and had some wisdom in it, but they were so long that the point was totally lost. I couldn't even sit through reading through my old emails, as they gave me a headache trying to read through that jumble of thoughts. I can't imagine what he went through reading through all that (though I'm pretty certain he did, as he spent a lot of time replying to all those long emails). I was like "wow, these emails totally come off as clingy and emotionally charged, I didn't realize the extent before".

 

When you start realizing these things, as I did, you start to feel a bit of compassion. Yes our exes were ignorant people - but most of them weren't malicious. They were just good people who didn't realize that they were hurting others. We also contributed to the hardships in our relationships as well. All of us had some role in things falling apart. Once I realized that I had a big role to play, it's hard to get angry at him for all his mistakes, and forgiveness (of both of us) becomes easier.

 

Realizing that I'm flawed does humble me somewhat, but it also cuts him some slack too, since things weren't all his fault either.

[SarahT111]

I can relate to this!

My first love broke up with me about a year ago.

It tore my heart to shreds and for 3 months I was a broken mess.

I went though sooooooooooooo many emotions from blaming myself to blaming himslef and absolutly hating him!

Now that I step back and it doesn't hurt so much I can see that I was an awful gf.

It was my first realtionship so I guess I didnt know how to act under certain circumstances but somehow although I loved him so dam much all I did was argue with him and be an absolute bitch at times!

I feel horrified now when I look back at the way I used to be!

Some of the emails sent mortify me! I would never ever speak to even my worst enemy in this manner never mind the love of my life!!!!

I loved him to pieces but somehow I just couldn't be nice to him, sometimes feelings of utter hate towards him overwhelemed me and I would be just awful!

 

It so interesting to see what losing someone can do to you.

I used to be selfish and rude and really wasn't a nice person.

This breakup turned my life around.

I have almost let it push me to far where I now let people take advantage of me but im working on that!

 

It sux that I didnt learn these lessons with someone else before I met him I still look back and think he really was the one and sometimes I find myself wishing I had met him as a 'second' bf so I could really show him the true me.

[tinke]

yes, I too had already come to terms with acknowledging my faults in the relationship. It's unfortunate that we did not have that insight previously; unfortunate that at least my ex did not seriously discuss the effects at hand. Had this been done, there may have been promise for change.

 

all in all, we did the best we knew how at the time!

[EmperorR]

The only thing I see i could have done better, is give more attention, but when I did she was busy and had to study. And that's the crappy part for me she didn't even tell me why she cheated just that she was a whore and it finally came to fruition.

 

But at least I learnt about trust, and to end a relationship when I feel like it, I should have ended it with my ex long ago but when she cut herself I got scared.