travelgirl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I don't think you should go to the press, at least not at this time but I am sure your union rep could threaten that action if things are not resolved quicker and make sure they all understand you are not going to leave, or feel the pressure to leave. I also agree with Billie. H is not on your side and everything you tell him right now could backfire on you. Just try to imagine him telling everything back to OW and this will stop you from calling/texting him. The less you talk to him, the more control YOU have of the situation because he is currently an outcast at the school and is only getting his info from you and OW. You need to take yourself out of the equation and also stop asking him about his job/meetings etc... The less you talk, the more he will wonder. This is what he is doing to you, right? And isn't it driving you crazy? Give him a dose of his own medicine! Make sure you keep his contact with his daughter between them and not you. Do not let him in YOUR house, don't let him in AT ALL. Have him wait in the car and daughter will meet him out there. When he brings her back, he just drops her off. No coming in, even for hot chocolate. He BROKE the family, he doesn't deserve that treatment. It won't win him back, you have seen it and know this so stop doing it. When you let him come in, let him chop the wood, paint etc.. he is thinking he is doing right, he is the good guy. DON'T let him feel like that. He needs to feel what a future WITHOUT you, his house, his dogs, his kids and everything he once had is like. He will NEVER feel this if he can come play house, do chores, spend time with the kids in the house, see you, talk to you and then leave, go to his flat and see OW. It is almost the same as the affair. He needs to CHOOSE and you are not making him. And just to let you know, 99% chance he will choose OW at this point. Let him see what it is like with just her and her daughter in his little flat. Take away everything but some visitations with his daughter and things won't seem as fun/wonderful as they were with OW before. And yes, maybe he won't ever come back to you worlybear but you have to move forward and make decisions. You don't have to make life altering ones but this "living day by day" attitude won't get you very far. It is what you have been doing all along and honestly, how much better are you now then a month ago? Think about what hasn't worked and change it.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Worly, FWIW, I haven't posted for a while but I've been following. The school - staff and Governing Body - have made the classic if predictable drastic mistake - of permitting their judgements to be clouded by the emotive issue. More fool them. I can't believe how bone-headed they are being, and it's good that the vice-Chair of the GB is behind you. You're experiencing ups and downs, that much is clear, but you'll never be at the lowest ebb you hit recently. Sounds as if you're getting good and mad - and rightly so. Counselling is doing wonders for you, and as they say - don't get mad, get even. but do it legally and in a clear-headed, logical and un-emotive way. unlike others we could mention. you're going great guns and making all the right moves. But get the people working for you - working for you. Ask for action as opposed to just supportive platitudes. Go get 'em girl.
jwi71 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 1. i am applying for the job just to show that i may be down but i'm not beaten and if there is a conflict if i am appointed then i'm not going anywhere. H will have to move. Awesome. Love it. Have a plan and execute. 2. i have checked out another school for younger daughter as an alternative option. she is adamant that she doesn't want to move at the moment so i'm leaving her where she is for the time being until the professional view is clearer. Again - excellent. Know your next steps - we call them "IF THENS" at the office. IF <X> THEN <RESPONSE TO X>. 3. i am continuing to use H as transport and child sitting for as long as it is necessary and the girls want it. Put her needs first. And she still needs and wants him in her life. 4. i am NOT going to the press. i know English law and i would end up looking like an embittered ,wronged,emotional wife and my family would be publicly embroiled in it. I can respect that. 5. i am biding my time re the treatment i have been getting at school and i will have my day-lots of plotting and planning here so that i will have an iron-clad case with evidence and damages and 100% legal backing. Again - great. Up till this post you had presented yourself as passive, reactionary and basically a wreck. Which is understandable given everything. I am thrilled that you have plans, set them in motion and are moving forward with protecting YOU and YOUR family. i am receiving counselling and i have decided that this is not the time to make major decisions ,regarding family ,H ,and job. i am not planning for the future ,just concentrating on the present and getting through. g. Good, good and more good. I would urge you to consider life by yourself and on one income. I would actually ask you to plan for that life - or at least scribble down the changes that MIGHT occur. Simply stated, since divorce and loss of one income is a very REAL possibility - make plans for what you will do should it come about. You need NOT work towards that outcome, but at least spend a few hours mapping out the "what if". Very pleased that you are WORKING towards stated goals. Please keep us updated and post as necessary. (One of the few Good Job posts I see on these forums...made my day)
Author worlybear Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Have just hand delivered job application to school . I'll wait and see what happens next and keep posting.
travelgirl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Congratulations!!! Keep us (and not H) updated!!
anne1707 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I hope you got help. I could not read all posts, it's too long. . Can I suggest then that you go back and read all posts then. This thread has never been about why the H had an affair etc so to start posting about how the OP should have done this or that to stop her H having the affair is not what she needs at all. And to be honest with some of what you said, the OP may find it cruel or hurtful. No need at all. The thread is all about the aftermath of this in a situation which is probably more complicated than most. Don't jump in with "advice" when you don't know the full story.
marazul Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Can I suggest then that you go back and read all posts then. This thread has never been about why the H had an affair etc so to start posting about how the OP should have done this or that to stop her H having the affair is not what she needs at all. And to be honest with some of what you said, the OP may find it cruel or hurtful. No need at all. The thread is all about the aftermath of this in a situation which is probably more complicated than most. Don't jump in with "advice" when you don't know the full story. I can see that you censure my post because after reading a few of your posts you are convinced the husband is something bad. Actually what I said is the complete reality but nobody wants to know about... because it hurts, and that's why you censure it? That is exactly the mistakes that people make. You have to talk about the REALITY in order to be constructive and helpful. Just a shame that you could not see further and deeper. Arrivederci!
anne1707 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I can see that you censure my post because after reading a few of your posts you are convinced the husband is something bad. I do not think the husband is bad. I think he is being foolish and cannot see the true consequences of his actions (yet). I would also never be so naive to just conclude that there were no problems in the marriage but that was not why Worlybear came here. She is here to help deal with the aftermath her H's affair. Must admit I am also a bit puzzled as some posts have disappeared from this thread including your original one plus others reacting to your post who were also not quite happy with your attitude. Wonder why that has happened....
Author worlybear Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Found out today that i have got an interview for the job on Tues so I will give it my best shot( even though i know that if i was playing cards i wouldn't even have a hand ,let alone a good one.) i am determined to try my best ,at the very least it will be good interview practice and after it i should have a clearer idea of what to do next whatever the outcome. ow has resigned from govs (at last!) but still in post with TA hours. Worked today, it was good to be back.
jwi71 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 ow has resigned from govs (at last!) but still in post with TA hours. Worked today, it was good to be back. Reality 1, Fantasy 0. I do believe their ship has sprung a leak - boohoo for them. Found out today that i have got an interview for the job on Tues so I will give it my best shot( even though i know that if i was playing cards i wouldn't even have a hand ,let alone a good one.) i am determined to try my best ,at the very least it will be good interview practice and after it i should have a clearer idea of what to do next whatever the outcome. Now don't be so gloomy. The ow's loss may very well be YOUR gain. I'd love to be wrong and see the OW out, the H somewhere else and YOU back on the job. Perhaps I over-estimated the OW and your H - or underestimated the other govs and the school. This is a good sign. Be positive. Be happy.
Geishawhelk Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Way to feckin' go, worly! Ok, hold your head up and be absolutely confident and self-assured. this is brilliant news! hight time she was out of there. I can't believe they waited this long to take her resignation. Shocking.... I love the 'sprung a leak' comment! Time to start baling, I think...suddenly, things don't look so rosy.
anne1707 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 About time too! It is a disgrace that it has taken so long for her to go. This now weakens her position considerably and shows a loss of face on her part. Make the most of it and enjoy.
Billie63 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Hi worly, do you think the school pushed OW to throw in the towel?
Author worlybear Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I think the school is running scared with Ofsted looming so they probably leaned on ow to leave governors but its hard to tell ,its as secret as the gulag there. Not sure how i feel about the interview ,i'll give it my best shot though. Bottom line ,if i don't get the job(and the reasons are not convincing and obviously contrived) then i 'll have no hesitation in dropping the school in it through the union and ofsted. H came to see daughters today- just spoke to him briefly. He hasn't heard anything re his job. Says he's not worried but his body language says he is really.He was very bad tempered. Its about time he started to worry about all the mess he's made. Will keep you posted. weekends are so hard. went bowling last night with older son and his partner and younger daughter so at least i went somewhere.
Author worlybear Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Well here i am again.went to work today and it was not good. ow still very much in the workplace and she is continuing her eco gov duties by going to the meetings as a T.A. Interview tomorrow -all staff are aware but no-one wished me luck at all. i must be daft putting myself through this but the alternative is worse. mondays are such a cr**** day. i am trying to keep my head up and i actually managed to get home today before crying ,rather than falling apart in the car. will let you know how i get on.
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Hang on....She's either a member of the Governing Body, or she isn't. She can't keep going to meetings as a "TA" because that's not a legitimate reason. She is either a Governor, or she isn't. But her position as a TA doesn't give her entitlement to be present at any meetings to do with the GB. Simple. That really is very odd. Knock them dead, go into the Interview, confident and self-assured. No, I know that's not how you feel. But they won't know that. F**k 'em.
allcriedout2 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Hi Worly, been following your story but my replies seem to have vanished into cyberspace. Best of luck tomorrow, put the entire saga behind you for a while, if you can, and strut your stuff. Don't worry about the other staff, they've also been placed in an invidious position, if H gets reinstated he's still their boss and the walls have ears in a staff room! Let us all know how you get on, we're all rooting for you
allcriedout2 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Well Worly, how did it go? Hoping no news is good news.
Author worlybear Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Well, it went.I felt i had a good interview but knew that i was doomed from the moment i walked in as the interview panel consisted of 3 govs, the invesigative head(who acting head had complained about me to last week) and acting head as "observer." I had less chance than a 1 legged donkey. I did give a good interview and I know i gave the right answers. When Gov phoned me to tell me i was not appointed i asked why. He couldn't give a straight answer. He was also unaware that Headteacher on interview panel and myself had met before.Gov. did not know of my suspension through this guy. Took it to the union. I have 2 options. 1.Make a fuss ,go public and be sent on permanent leave (union have met this kind of situ before.)Lose job. 2. Take my hours elsewhere ,retain my work and my dignity. It really is a no win situation. I have to say that if I had been offered the job I would have turned it down .The people in charge of the school are poisonous and the staff worthless. i will have my day. Ofsted looms and even if my daughter and myself are not there we will make our presence felt. H still not heard about his job although i suspect that things may move forward if i negotiate hours elsewhere. ow still in post- anyone got any good ideas about how to get rid of her from the school? She and her kid are not suffering any fall out at all. H asked me to call at flat for a glass of wine last night to discuss interview. No thanks. Really p***** off.Will post more later.
travelgirl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Worlybear, your post says "no change there then" Are you kidding me? This is the BEST post I have seen of you yet. You just don't realize it. 1. You went to the job interview full well knowing that tainted staff would barely give you a chance. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Not many would do that and it is something to hold your head up and be proud of. 2. You went to union right away and are getting options 3. You are asking how to get OW to feel some fallout. Not saying serious personal revenge is healthy but this is more positive then worrying what H or anyone else will think all the time, keeping quiet. She needs to be ousted. I would make that a "deal breaker" if you choose to leave for another school/position. Get it in writing or threaten to go public. DON'T leave with OW still there or you will lose control. 4. You denied your H anytime with you. Who knows if he was sincere, missing you or wanted inside info for himself or OW. But who cares?? Last week you would have been over there in a heartbeat if he asked you to come over. The tables are turning and he is falling, he realizes this. 5. You are not sad anymore, you are ANGRY. This is a good thing. You are taking control of the situation. You are coming out of the fearful/sad fog which I know first hand is scary but you will start to realize (if you haven't already) that being fearful/sad was more annoying to you then the situation itself. You will actually get angrier how sad, low key and nice you were about the situation. H will see the change and wonder what the heck happened. Worlybear - you are on your way to recovery. I am not sure what the future holds for you but it seems that you are breaking free and becoming a little more confident in your decision making no matter what the outcome. WAY TO GO!!!
Billie63 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 travelgirl is spot on worly - I hardly recognise you. What you did at the interview took real guts, give yourself a pat for holding it together. I think insisting that OW leaves her position as part of your deal to go nicely is an inspired idea. As for hubby, good God travelgirl is so right - you would have been round there in a shot. I went thru this same stage with my ex - where you feel angry and icy towards them and just want distance from their sorry arse. You really are very special worly - believe it.
Author worlybear Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 :)Thanks for the posts.They really cheered me up. H came to see daughter tonight but I only spoke briefly to him.He asked me what I was going to do about the job interview and I just told him to watch this space-the union is involved. Gloves are off now and if he and his job gets caught in the fallout so be it. Didn't tell him what I was really going to do. He is not very hopeful for his job and concentrating on his forthcoming eco trip to Australia (early March.) He will be away for 2 and a half weeks. I think that they will probably reinstate him at school. They have to make some decisions soon. Still trying to think of ways to cause ow hassle.It really gets to me that she is getting off scot-free.I would love to wipe the smile off her face.I know that what goes around ,comes around but I am fed up of waiting for it. Does it ever really happen?
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Look at the situation. It's happening now. She's probably not as popular as you believe, and your h. is in shi-ts-treet... She truly cannot be happy with the way this has unfolded, and I would surmise that the staff and governors are divided by this. l Look at the shockwaves. Shock - Waves. What you must do, is to rise above it, because you are coming out soooo much better than they are. On the waves they've created? be the Surfer, not the Sufferer.... They are floundering. You are breezing. Of all the people - staff, governors and all - the one person who can truly hold her head up high - is undoubtely, certainly - you.
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