Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I didn't say they should sack her. I said that I feel they should have suspended her. As I pointed out, the Head/Acting head is also on the Governing Body, but not as a member, or appointed Governor. He/she is there as the primary representative of the school and staff. They really have created a holy mess, and why the OP should have to bend over backwards to make life easier for others is beyond me. I see what you are saying, but I think it's asking too much of her.
anne1707 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I think code of conduct is more the issue: http://www.thurrock.gov.uk/education/governors/content.php?page=code_con#c008 To quote: Honesty Holders of public office have a duty to declare any private interests relating to their public duties and to take steps to resolve any conflicts arising in a way that protects public interest. I think the private relationship between governor and headmaster is very much in conflict with public interest.
Author worlybear Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 :mad:wowee- you have an absolute nerve to post on here . i have never had/will never have any sympathy for a woman who is a deliberate marriage breaker .She knew what was involved when she became involved with him ,she has destroyed our marriage,our family ,and his career. do not attempt to tell me what to do with my daughter until you are unfortunate enough to be in the same situation as me.Then see how you feel about ow as you hold your sobbing 7 year old. i concur entirely with the other posts re her need to resign ,if she had a scrap of humanity ,she wouldn't need to be asked.
Billie63 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 :mad:wowee- you have an absolute nerve to post on here . i have never had/will never have any sympathy for a woman who is a deliberate marriage breaker .She knew what was involved when she became involved with him ,she has destroyed our marriage,our family ,and his career. do not attempt to tell me what to do with my daughter until you are unfortunate enough to be in the same situation as me.Then see how you feel about ow as you hold your sobbing 7 year old. i concur entirely with the other posts re her need to resign ,if she had a scrap of humanity ,she wouldn't need to be asked. Here, here.
travelgirl Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 :mad:wowee- you have an absolute nerve to post on here . i have never had/will never have any sympathy for a woman who is a deliberate marriage breaker .She knew what was involved when she became involved with him ,she has destroyed our marriage,our family ,and his career. do not attempt to tell me what to do with my daughter until you are unfortunate enough to be in the same situation as me.Then see how you feel about ow as you hold your sobbing 7 year old. i concur entirely with the other posts re her need to resign ,if she had a scrap of humanity ,she wouldn't need to be asked. Well said! It amazes me when OW's always claim "why me, what did I do - blame your husband not me" Woowee, this OW was married, has kids in the same school and also overstepped her work boundaries by jumping in the sack with her boss. Now the entire school knows, gossip is spreading, kids are talking to each other, people are losing their jobs and getting suspended and most of all 2 families are in crisis. There is NO way you can rationalize that the OW didn't have anything to do with it. Even if worlybear's H did pursue her, she could have still said no - it isn't appropriate but she didn't and the day she decided to cross the line in the sand personally and professionally, she became accountable for all that is wrong as well. Obviously we are all blaming the H here - it was his marriage and family he destroyed but OW played a major part in that, especially working in the school and knowing the family well and sleeping with her boss behind the rest of the govenors backs. You just can not come here as a previous OW and tell a BS how to handle the situation. You have NO idea what it is like
Author worlybear Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks for all the support. i really find it helpful. No reply yet from Chair of Govs- i know he isn't always in his office but if he hasn't acknowledged my email by Mon.eve i intend to copy letter to all the govs.(except ow of course.) H has been picking up older daughter from High school and spending a little time with younger daughter at teatime. (its for their benefit not his although older daughter is not bothered about him.) at the moment we are civil with each other but its difficult for me to keep the chat impersonal or to just relating news about the girls. i think i've managed it ok so far. he is finding it harder than he thought being out of the loop at school. He has not been contacted by county and has been leaving messages at various offices and is not having calls returned. school is due to have one of the new short notice ofsteds this month.(24 hours warning.) i can't see this mess being resolved in time and it will affect the school's performance. Union are chasing the office too to find out why he is not allowed into work.Apparently,according to union it is not unusual for a HT to be suspended on the vague surmise of "pending further enquiries." It is a huge worry as i can't see a way forward. i really hope he doesn't lose his job as primarily it will hurt the family financially. its also a terrific emotional strain. i still can't understand how he didn't see the terrific fall out from his selfish actions. every day brings fresh worries and the weekends are worse . Despite everything i miss him terribly. i maintain a cool ,impersonal front when he's here then fall apart when he's gone and the girls are in bed. i think we still haven't reached rock bottom yet both job wise and personally.
anne1707 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks for all the support. i really find it helpful. No reply yet from Chair of Govs- i know he isn't always in his office but if he hasn't acknowledged my email by Mon.eve i intend to copy letter to all the govs.(except ow of course.) Go for it. I know how some of these voluntary Boards works and they may not all be fully informed. Make sure they are. at the moment we are civil with each other but its difficult for me to keep the chat impersonal or to just relating news about the girls. i think i've managed it ok so far. That's all you have to do. That is all that can really be expected at this stage. he is finding it harder than he thought being out of the loop at school. He has not been contacted by county and has been leaving messages at various offices and is not having calls returned. My heart bleeds school is due to have one of the new short notice ofsteds this month.(24 hours warning.) i can't see this mess being resolved in time and it will affect the school's performance. Timing is definitely poor but that should also make the governors more determined to take firm action to what has been happening It is a huge worry as i can't see a way forward. i really hope he doesn't lose his job as primarily it will hurt the family financially. its also a terrific emotional strain. That's understandable. Plus wherever any stability can be maintained at the moment, both you and your H need to hang on to it for the sake of your children Despite everything i miss him terribly. i maintain a cool ,impersonal front when he's here then fall apart when he's gone and the girls are in bed. Don't beat yourself up about this. Ofcourse you miss him, it is to be expected. You need to cry, shout, whatever it takes, to deal with the pain and get through this mess. i think we still haven't reached rock bottom yet both job wise and personally. Things will be up and down. Some days you will feel better than others, some days not so good. But over time, there will be more good days than bad.
Geishawhelk Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Go for it. I know how some of these voluntary Boards works and they may not all be fully informed. Make sure they are. I absolutely wholly second this. I full well remember that if some things were not part of my remit, I would be kept in the dark about certain issues. No, go ahead, tell them. And you know what? I wouldn't leave the OW out. She's a member of the Board of Governors. She seems to be more supported than you. Maybe others do not know the whole situation and being armed with few or no facts, they may have formed a false impression. I'd copy EVERYONE. Anne makes a huge amount of sense, and I agree with everything she said. You need to also confide in a close friend or family member about how you feel emotionally. Perhaps you already do, but the devastation he has completely, thoughtlessly and selfishly wreaked, needs to be highlighted in BOLD. Are you getting any professional emotional support?
Author worlybear Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Thanks for the helpful posts. I had an initial session with relate but next appt isn't for 2 more weeks. i do talk to my 24 yr old son and mum in law but i feel they have probably reached emotional overload. i have no close friends to confide in so it does become difficult to hold it all together sometimes. i have also been really saddened by the general lack of support from my colleagues. i think the acting head is rubbing her hands with glee as she has been looking for a headship and the other f/t member of staff does not like my H and would prefer him not to come back as she has discipline issues within her class that she struggles to handle. They are very much going through the motions of offering support and i can feel their insincerity. its just an absolute mess. please keep posting here as its an absolute lifeline.
anne1707 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 In fairness to your colleagues, it is a difficult situation for them to know what to do because they are caught up with the political fallout from all this in the workplace (and the possible impact on the school & their jobs) plus I guess before all this they saw both you and your H as friends Going to Relate is good though. I guess the session you have had was the initial assessment so the proper counselling will start in 2 weeks (and weekly after that?). Please make the most of these sessions. It is your time to deal with how you feel and figure out what you want. You may come away from some sessions feeling worse than when you went in but that is because you are confronting what has happened and dealing with it (my H and I are going to Relate at the moment hence this is from direct personal experience). In the meantime you have got people here on LS who are more than happy to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on if it's ever needed.
Author worlybear Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 very difficult day today. Older daughter out all day at pantomimes so i made myself go out and tried to find a new 2nd hand sofa to try and change the main room. Didn't find one but at least younger daughter and i had a hot chocolate. i felt very tearful all day. went to oldest son's house ,but quite frankly he is nearly as much as a mess as i am.he did play with younger daughter and gave me a break for a while. Driving back was difficult. i just wanted to lock up the house ,put the keys through the letterbox and drive off. i know this is not the answer though .:sick:i just wish i could switch my feelings off.
anne1707 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Hang on in there. Today is bad but tomorrow will be better. Over time it will get easier and you will think about all this less and feel as if you have your life back. Focus on your children. Try to do little things to make yourself feel better and regain some control. You can do this
Geishawhelk Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 The big problem is that you are having to deal with this situation on both an emotional and a practical/professional level. is there any way you could actually seek sick leave? You need time to process what's going on and be a bit detached from the centre of things. It's getting to the point where you can't see the wood for the trees..... Also: (Weird suggestion, I know.....) See if you can find an aromatherapist or shiatsu therapist to give you a massage. If aromatherapy makes you shrink away, due to skin contact, Shiatsu is fully clothed, so you're less "open and vulnerable". But both thrapies work on not only the physical, but the emotional. Bach flower remedies are also useful (Rescue Remedy does exactly what it says on the packet!!) Lavender oil is good for stressful situations (though be sparing), and homeopathy might also offer a remedy that can help balance things out. I know some of it might sound far-fetched, but I am a shiatsu therapist, and my mother is an aromatherapist. So I do speak with some insider knowledge. Just a thought..... ((hugs)).
Billie63 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 very difficult day today. Older daughter out all day at pantomimes so i made myself go out and tried to find a new 2nd hand sofa to try and change the main room. Didn't find one but at least younger daughter and i had a hot chocolate. i felt very tearful all day. went to oldest son's house ,but quite frankly he is nearly as much as a mess as i am.he did play with younger daughter and gave me a break for a while. Driving back was difficult. i just wanted to lock up the house ,put the keys through the letterbox and drive off. i know this is not the answer though .:sick:i just wish i could switch my feelings off. This post is so heartbreaking worleybear. I think if I were ever to consider starting anything with a MM, your story would stop me. Your thread reveals the heartbreak that marriage break ups create. It's the idea of your children and their devastation that is so painful (no disrespect to your agony). It makes me have a surprising respect for the parents who do stay 'for the kids', who do sacrifice their happiness for these little ones -it's not fashionable to do it but I find myself looking at this idea totally differently.
travelgirl Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 worlybear - without any close friends and all of this emotional baggage, you REALLY need to go see a therapist. You need to vent, you need someone on the outside to give you goals and help you find a path of healing. Even if you can't afford it, look up free help clinics - anything. I can't imagine what you are going thru. It is too much for you to take on without some help. Please consider looking into this if you haven't already.
Author worlybear Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Talked to mum-in-law today and that helped a bit. i have used aromatherapy before and i like yoga but i just can't face new people at the moment altho i know they are good ideas. Tried to keep myself busy again today. Tomorrow looms but if i don't go back to work i will feel that she has won and driven me from my job and then i won't respect myself. i drafted an email to H (haven't sent it ) laying out quite clearly and succinctly the catastrophic effects that their selfishness has caused ,both through embarking on an affair ,the fact that she is still in my daughter's face at school and the hurt and anguish it has caused to us all excluding the ow who had nothing to lose and everything to gain. word is still out that she is waiting for the dust to settle and will then have a ready made partner/daddy for her kid to move in. Decided not to send it yet I just felt i needed to write it. Will wait and see if there is anymore news forthcoming re his job tomorrow. Also older daughter has a university interview on 21st and as i am working she needs H to drive her there (3oo miles) intend to keep email in my drafts just in case.
anne1707 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I think putting your feelings down on paper could be very therapeutic for you, especially whilst you wait for the Relate sessions to commence. It can be in the form of writing letters to your husband talking about the pain he has caused you or how you are moving on without him (this will happen). Or it can just be a rant. However I would not advocate sending anything to your husband. Just use it as a means of dealing with how you feel and getting things out of your system when it all starts building up inside you.
Athena Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 i drafted an email to H (haven't sent it ) laying out quite clearly and succinctly the catastrophic effects that their selfishness has caused ,both through embarking on an affair ,the fact that she is still in my daughter's face at school OW may still be visible to your daughter, but I am sure she harbors NO ill feelings towards your child, since she cared for your H, she will care for his daughter too. As for you facing her, you should hold your head up high, and if anything, look at her... I am sure she will avoid your look, since she knows she did you wrong. She is human, and will feel guilty, even though you may not see guilt on her face. Don't feel less than her, and don't avoid her, perhaps if she feels uncomfortable enough with you at school, she may leave. You absolutely do not need to send the email to your H. If you can clearly see the catastrophic results of his selfish actions, then so can he. People can be their own worst inner critic, so let his guilty conscious work on him... the minute YOU send him the email, he will fight your words, and his guilt will not eat him up because he will try to justify his actions to counteract your accusative email. Believe me, he is thinking about the results as much as you are. How could he not? He doesn't have anything to distract him from his thoughts.
jwi71 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 i drafted an email to H (haven't sent it ) ....... Decided not to send it yet I just felt i needed to write it. Smart thinking worly. You put it on paper and it may end up biting you in the rear later on. I wrote tons of missives and only sent a few. Before you do send any I might suggest posting them here for advice. There are some very talented writers here - some very skilled at the highbrow nasty letter. Hang in there.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 OW may still be visible to your daughter, but I am sure she harbors NO ill feelings towards your child, since she cared for your H, she will care for his daughter too. I'm sorry, but this comment sucks. If my husband had been having an affair with a colleague, and I knew that my emotionally fragile, deeply hurt, confused and vulnerable daughter was going to be seeing her regularly, on a daily basis, I'd have a dicky fit. It's not about the OW. It's about the daughter. And don't you believe that the OW harbours "no ill feelings".... some adults who have done stupid, senseless, reckless, idiotic, hurtful things, are capable of anything. There is a misplaced feeling of injustice, and the OW may indeed bear ill-feelings towards the child as being one of the factors that has contrived to mess up her dream of happiness with the child's father. I have seen it happen. Adults spitefully taking their frustrations out on kids is all-too common enough. As for you facing her, you should hold your head up high, and if anything, look at her... I am sure she will avoid your look, since she knows she did you wrong. She is human, and will feel guilty, even though you may not see guilt on her face. Don't feel less than her, and don't avoid her, perhaps if she feels uncomfortable enough with you at school, she may leave. THis on the other hand, is uterly spot-on. Worley, you really do need to let a bit of your anger fuel your actions. If you fill the role of victim, then this is what you will be perceive as. Whilst you may certainly be the primary casualty in this marriage, you are also the mother of three children who have been trivialised by their father, and the wife of a man who frankly, deserves everything thrown at him. You're vunerable, but you're not defenceless. Find your pep. You determination, resolve and character have brought you thus far, in life. Start being a little bit angry with the way others are feeding into this. Show some indignation. And really yes - force your eyes onto her and challenge her presence. She can only hurt and intimidate you if you let her.
Author worlybear Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Went to work yesterday .verytough day. Saw ow who was acting as if nothing had happened ,laughing and joking. managed to keep my head together until i left school ,then totally fell apart. Had email from chair of govs inviting me to a meeting to discuss my well-being. H came in with older daughter and i had a huge row with him.He is still seeing ow and intends to carry on even though if county find out he will be instantly dismissed. After he left i did all the wrong things. i sent the email and went to see him at his flat. Told him i was going to kill myself and he could bring up the girls .Sat there for 3 hours and got drunk. Managed to get myself home and older daughter phoned my son. Sent texts asking H to give my wedding rings to the girls and any assets to the boys. He can sell the house. Son came over early am and took younger daughter to school. Sent H another text saying i love family and him, goodbye. H came round and saidnot to do anything silly but i can't see any light. He won't give up ow, although he's not really happy. I quit. I can't face going to work ,I'm stuck in a house I don't like/can't sell and i'm a crap mum. whats the point in carryingon.He's won and he'll just have to bring up daughters by himself.at least i won't hurt anymore.
Owl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Then let him suffer the consequences. Send a note to the county (anonomously if you'd like) informing them of the affair. Ensure that they know that the school administration is aware of it, but has yet to take action even though it's been weeks since it was brought to their attention. You've given them the chance to act, and nothing has happened. Time to escalate the situation.
Nomad1 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I feel for you and totally understand how you must feel. You are very close to the situation at the moment to realise that it is H who is not in control of his life! For a HT with 5 children! A respectable job that is on the line, not to mention his reputation! to continue seeing the OW who has led to the demise of his marriage, the destruction of his family and his career, not to mention possible negative equity in current climate! Accept that if none of the above has stopped him from seeing OW, nothing else will! It is so easy under the strain to hit rock bottom! Your response is perfectly natural! But don't give him the pleasure of seeing you like that or knowing that you are hurting so much! It will only make the OW seem more desirable! You are worth so much more. He was a stupid man for losing you and his family! Reach for that strength inside you! I am a parent governor at a school in UK and know how dreadful thinks must be for your H! He must be in turmoil! Neverteless, people who allow themselves to get into the situation he got into are vulnerable addicts who can not help themselves. It may take him years to wake up! He may never wake up! But, the thrills he is getting at the moment will diminish in intensity! He will then start to look for a new fix! The older he gets the more miserable he will become! Worlybear. I have a very similar story to yours. Wife of 17yrs fell for a 10 year younger heroine addict and jailbird! Unemployed and unemployable! Our family was destroyed! 3 children! Our house is not selling! A year and a half later, she is still living in her fantasy! At one point we both taught at the same uni.! I am glad I have moved to another! I have moved on and have very little contact with her. It is the only way to do it! Good luck!
travelgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 worlybear, You hit rock bottom but now it is time to re-evaluate the situation and move forward. You are not a bad mom - you are in turmoil and your older kids know it and love you. And really what has your H won? NOTHING. He is close to losing his job, his kids are sickened by him and he walked away from YOU. So what if he is seeing OW still? Really, why would he not be? He has nothing else in his life and it probably keeps him from reality setting in on his foggy brain. Now is the time to take action. Stand up for yourself and don't worry about him or his job, the financials etc... Let him lose his job, let him hit rock bottom. Get to a lawyer ASAP. Once he sees how much he will have to pay in child support without a job, he will snap out of it. Keep your job, have that meeting and say I AM UNHAPPY!!! Let that chair of governor know YOU WILL NOT BACK DOWN. Make an appointment to talk to a therapist. Stop letting H see you in turmoil. It only makes his decision to stay with OW a better one. You have to pick yourself up and start thinking like a single mom. H can't help you right now and you will be happier in the long run that you didn't guilt him into staying at this point. Find the strength, you can do this!!
anne1707 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Put last night behind you. With everything you have been going through and then having to go back to work yesterday, I think you did well not to slap the OW across the face. As Owl said, make sure the Board and Education Department at the council are fully informed of your H's continuing relationship with the OW. This is not just because of the pain he has caused you - it is also unethical because of her role as a governor. I am quite sure it is a breach of the Code of Conduct for the school governors. You need to get yourself back out of the house tomorrow. To stay indoors will allow you to dwell on everything and let it all overwhelm you. I know it is incredibly hard but try and go back to work. It is not you who should be keeping out of the way - the OW has no shame from the sounds of it. Well you go back into that school and show your colleagues what real dignity is like. Only you can hold your head up high. Not the Ow and not your H. Is there somebody you could take with you for moral support when you have the meeting with the Chair (even if they cannot join you, knowing that somebody is there to hold your hand afterwards may help you through this process). As for your children - they love you, and your older children especially will understand that you are in a mess at the moment. They will certainly not be thinking you are a bad mother so get that idea out of your head now. It is their father who has let them down, not you.
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