Athena Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Tried to talk to H when I got back but he got very antsy. (...) he said that as he was giving me half of his settlement(allegedly) (...) He thinks he' s being very reasonable about giving me some money from his settlement I find it rather interesting that he offers up 50% of his settlement... say, instead of 70% -- there are three of you in the family... you, him, and your daughter... two of you live in a HOUSE (more expensive than his rental apartment) and yet he naturally expects he will get to keep 50%??!!
anne1707 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Went to bank today and opened new personal account. Also spoke to mortgage advisor who assured me that as the mortgage is in both our names ,H is also expected to pay. . Worly Please be careful. The usual wording is along the lines of "jointly and severally liable". This means that you are just as liable for the full mortgage as your husband is, i.e. not just a share of it. If you cannot afford to pay all then they won't just put the pressure on your H, they will also look to you. Talk to your H and establish what he can contribute - after all he has to help support your children too.
Author worlybear Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 I realise I am also liable but my understanding is that if I stay in the house lenders will look to me for the full amount which I can't pay. If I move out,at least we will both be pursued for the debt which isn't terrific but at least it remains a joint responsibility. At the moment H seems to think that by giving me some settlement money,which works out at roughly 4 months of mortgage and other debits,electric etc he has discharged his financial responsibility. He's made sure that he has kept enough to pay his flat and expenses( plus £5,000 )until December. He has got some supply work coming up and intends to keep all that salary for himself. I am contracted until the end of term and desperately seeking f/t work for Sept. onwards so its not like I am expecting him to be the sole financial support. I do think that if he is earning he should be paying towards the house and personal loan that we took out together even if its only a small amount. He is the one who has walked out ,lost his good job, left his family,disrupted our lives(especially younger daughter) and put us in the position of being re-possessed and homeless. By looking for a rental I am just trying to make sure that we have somewhere to live.
Athena Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 By looking for a rental I am just trying to make sure that we have somewhere to live. If all else fails (regarding accommodation), then just move into Hubby's flat! Ha! It will cramp his style...
Lucky_One Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Wouldn't it make much more sense to put the house on the market and try to sell it, rather than have it repossessed? Surely having a mortgage default on your financial records is harmful and best to avoid for as long as possible?
LifesontheUp Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Saw my solicitor yesterday about finances. She said that as H was not living in our home, he doesn't need to contribute towards the mortgage although we have a joint mortgage. This seems really weird- been looking onlline for british solicitors advice and they all seem to think that a joint mortgage is the financial responsibilty of BOTH parties. There is no way I can buy him out so my question is... If I walk away from the house and rent locally ,does that mean that, as neither of us can afford to live in our mortgaged home, the lender will pursue both of us for money or just me as I was in the house longer.Any ideas out there ? Yes the joint mortgate is the responsibility of you BOTH. However, if he stops paying then they will pursue you both for the shortfall. I'm not sure if moving out and stopping paying is a good idea - as it will damage your credit rating, and affect your ability to get a mortgate in the future or any other credit. Can you come up with some sort of agreement with him?
LifesontheUp Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Do you have any free legal advice with your Union???? Mine allows me telephone calls to UK based solicitors. I don't think a lot of what your solicitor advise on him not liable to pay. Get some other advice please
jwi71 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Worly, I hope you immediately set about finding a NEW place to live. Not tomorrow, not "later"...NOW. You WILL lose the house. You cannot afford it. Let it go. You have precious little time to get your life in order. Find place to live, salvage what possessions you can and move forward. Your credit will take the hit. You CANNOT prevent it. It isn't the end of the world. You have to save what you can. Build from what little pieces you have. I've been there worly. I know how hard and painful it is. I lost my house too. You CAN survive it...
Author worlybear Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks for replies. Went to see lender (building society) yesterday. Slightly better news as the mortgage will go down not up so as long as I keep working I have a chance of staying put. Spoke to H and he agrees he has to keep paying towards mortgage and is looking for teaching work. Putting house on the market but not in a rush to sell while he is on joint mortgage. Applying for full time jobs myself. Work is absolutely awful and if it wasn't for our daughters and the kids I teach I'd quit tomorrow. Although H is now sacked its like having an un-acknowledged elephant in the room. Needless to say ow is still there,the sooner I get out-the better.
HookedOnHim2 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I feel your pain. Going through this myself. Its even worse when they do it with someone you know. Thats a double kick in the gut. Its too hard to get over knowing this woman knows your husband "biblically". Like I told my husband "you don't **** where you eat"
Author worlybear Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 H has settlement and I have an interview next week for maternity leave (2 terms ) at daughter's school. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I will give it my best shot. H has asked where I want money put so that mortgage is paid for next 6 months and says that he will keep paying towards it. Have put the house on the market but have priced it as high as possible. H still calling every day to see younger daughter. I'm just keeping out of the way as I find it hurts to be around him.
citizen67 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Fingers and toes crossed for you - Now you go make it happen!
Author worlybear Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Got the job! Really pleased as it solves the immediate problem of getting daughter to school(she goes there) and lifts some financial concerns temporarily. It starts September for 2 terms, so it also gives me breathing space. Been out for a drink/coffee with 2 guys but not sure about this. Guy 1 too keen and guy 2 no spark. Still finding it very difficult to come to terms with H not being with me but plodding on. He's still very involved in our lives.
citizen67 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Terrific about the job! Focus on the things that are working!
Author worlybear Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Difficult day today as it was my birthday and so I decided to go join a club as they hold a disco every month' I was ok during the day but saw H as he came round to babysit. When he arrived 2 sons were here but they didn't want to see him and left as he was cutting the grass . H was v.off and didn't say much at all to me. Went to the disco all dressed up, walked into the venue and fell apart. Luckily there were some v nice people there so I pulled myself together and did dance. Got back 11.30 and H still very off, barely said 2 words to me. Feel quite knocked back and wondering why he is so cool as he had been quite chatty in the week (just general stuff). I find it very hard to cope when he is so distant but I don't let him know. If he is still funny tomorrow when he comes to see daughter will ask him whats wrong as its driving me mad.
anne1707 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Worly Don't you dare ask him why he is off. He is off because you are getting on with your life which is exactly what you should do. If you ask him why he was in a strange mood, you are taking a step back just after taking two steps forward. Don't give him the satisfaction of making it clear you noticed his mood. This is your life not his. Apart from that. Very Happy Birthday Worly :bunny:
Author worlybear Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Thanks for the birthday wishes. H has put money into my account and i am putting the house onto the market. We are civil towards each other at the moment but it seems so sad that our life has now become like this. Don't know whats going to happen- tried a few dates but not really interested, joined a club to try and get a social life and cope but it still seems a huge struggle. Looking forward to starting my new job and am concentrating on that and my family. i still miss him.
redtail Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 worlybear, you're awesome! In my opinion, you're doing the right thing. When I found out about my wife's affair, (she had cheated twice on me before we got married), the best advice I got was to treat divorce like a taking off a band aid, do it fast, other wise the pain is just prolonged. It was difficult for me too, having been married 21 years, but don't force things on yourself now. You miss the spouse you thought you had, not the one he is or at least, has become. In a year from now, trust me, you will be better off, you will be in a better place and you'll not ever look back. No regrets worlybear... My absolute best wishes to you!
HsMomma Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Thanks for the birthday wishes. H has put money into my account and i am putting the house onto the market. We are civil towards each other at the moment but it seems so sad that our life has now become like this. Don't know whats going to happen- tried a few dates but not really interested, joined a club to try and get a social life and cope but it still seems a huge struggle. Looking forward to starting my new job and am concentrating on that and my family. i still miss him. Happy (belated) birthday, Worlybear! If you aren't really interested in the dating thing, don't go on any more for a bit. I've been in your shoes (including having to sell the only home my daughter had known (at least at that point in her life)). Do the 'social' thing a baby step at a time - it will come, but don't rush it. I know you still miss him & I know what it's like for him to be "off" at times with you. When I FINALLY began to emerge from the cocoon I'd wrapped myself in after D-Day, and started moving forward, my ex would act all squirelly around me. If you let him know it bothers you, you're allowing him to control you. Don't do it (even if it kills you not to show it) - I once heard that the best revenge is living well...well, the next best revenge is letting him THINK you're living well (even when it sucks!). Take care of yourself & your kids...look forward to the new job...do something nice for yourself, and let him lie in the bed he made. Keep your chin up, Worlybear!
Author worlybear Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks for the good wishes I really appreciate them. Counting the days at work now until I leave. I manage to more or less pull myself together the rest of the time but I find it so difficult to work near ow on Mondays. Despite trying not to obsess I am dying to know if H is still seeing her and it makes it really difficult when she's in my face at work and I'm teaching her kid. I'm just trying to be dignified but its very difficult. H is still seeing daughters regularly but I try not to talk to him unless its about the girls or practical matters. I'm very lonely but anxious about meeting new people. Family think I'm coping well but to be honest I stll feel as if everything is a struggle. Younger daughter is volatile at the moment due to a combination of things but at least H and I are standing together for her. She's had such a lot of s*** in her life recently to deal with. Quite often feel like giving up and moving away .
Author worlybear Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Finally left work! New job starts September. Have started to go dancing every Sat night and am slowly re-building my life. H still around but beginning to realise life aint so great for him but good for me. Thanks for all support. Bless you all out there!
citizen67 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 have followed your story for a while - to read a positive sounding post by you really made my night! You go Girl!
smarterthanbefore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I have read your posts as well, I'm so happy for you. It seems you got your confidence back and are doing well. I'm so proud of you. You made my night as well. Your life is yours to live and you are living it by your rules. You go girl. Your husband is just realizing what he really lost. I bet that OW don't seem so great to him now that his life has been destroyed. But more important, you did not let him break you. You seem like you realise that your life is for you to live for yourself, not to wrap around you husband. I learned a long time ago to never make a man your world. You seem to have taken back the best of yourself. Again, I repeat ,i am so proud of you. Please don't take offense to the wrapping your life around him statement. I'm just recognizing the fact that us women tend to make our husbands and kids our sole purpose in life, and forget ourselves. You have to always put yourself on that list of important things. I think doing that make us better wives and mothers, and it seems you are now back on your list of important things. Congrats.
travelgirl Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Worly, so glad to see you are moving on. We all told you this day would come and it would backfire on DH. How is your younger daughter doing?
Recommended Posts