jwi71 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Thankyou for all your replies. I appreciate that my words and account of my actions are extremely frustrating to some posters. I don't always understand them myself. Fair enough. I didn't take my marriage vows flippantly and thought long and hard about them so even though it seems ages to some of you I do not intend to rush into dissolving our marriage. No doubt you were serious about your M...YOU didn't cheat. I do disagree about dissolving your M...at this point its little more than a piece of paper. We are currently trying to work out finances so that the girls have minimum disruption to their lives. Its a little late for that worly. I favor - at this point - a hard, clean break from the stbxh. You and he need to sit down and work out a visitation schedule. Go 50-50. Because its best for HER. And while you're at it, go ahead and begin dividing assets. I think you'll find that once you two actually start working on dissolving your M...it takes on a life of its own and gets easier. It did for me anyway.
TaraMaiden Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Yes, I think actually, at this stage of circumstances, this is very sound advice, because you know, he is no longer married to you. If somebody were to ask him if he was married, he would either hesitate, or simply say, no, we are separated. This marriage is no longer a marriage. it doesn't matter how long it lasted... it's finished and in the past. I think now you have to face the practicalities of the matter. And say to him: 'I propose to make a list of joint assets. I will give you a list of items I consider to be your property, items I consider to be my property, and items we will have to discuss the division of.' Then make this list....and give it to him, asking him when he would like to collect his items? if he cannot be decisive (and I know experientially, men do seem to encounter difficulties with this at times) you must do it for him.
delajoonal Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 worlybear... divorce is a death of sorts, or even seperation...it is too painful to put in words, especially if like you and i, believe so much in the covenant of marriage and the vows we took in front of God. i am only 2 months into a rollercoaster of a reconcilation, then dh moved out 2 times, then back, etc...so i too am in a FOG and not sure of any emotions day to day... i do know that i will allow myself ALL THE TIME it takes to get to the end or by the grace of God a reconcilation with ALOT of MC. i wish you well and happiness worlybear...you just sound so hurt and in so pain and confusion....my prayers are with you sweetie..take care;)
pelicanpreacher Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It would probably be easier Worly if your husband acted like a complete azz your entire marriage to imagine that one day he'd be capable of acting with such callous disreguard for your feelings now. In 28 years you get a lot more than a feel for someone since you should have acquired the ability to anticipate them so well that little is left to mystery. The fact that he is now completely unpredictable has so destabilized the bearings of your extrasensory compass that you find yourself wondering what has been real and what has been a lie your entire marriage. It would probably be far easier to understand if he did make a commitment to the OW so your sense of values found the image of his behavior satisfactory but the fact remains is that he has become unpredictable at this late stage of the game and that challenges your sense of order in all that you've learned since being married. The simple yet revulsive truth that your husband has cleverly hidden a ticking time bomb away within his psyche that would one day dramatically reveal the fact that he's a POS, has always been a POS, and will always be a POS is too disheartening to consider for it brings into question your own sense of judgement and perception for reality. Currently, if you lined your husband up with all the usual suspects and was forced to reconcile one from the other, you couldn't distinguish your husband from sh#t or shinola for past emotional entanglements makes even the harsh light of the newly revealed truth's exposure difficult to ascertain the differences between the two. Try not to feel too disheartened if you husband seems to revel in the relief of disclosing who he truly is for if you saw him as you should really smell him it is very unlikely you'd find him desirable in a loving embrace anyway.
jwi71 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 worlybear... divorce is a death of sorts, or even seperation...it is too painful to put in words, No it isn't. Filing for D is NOT death - not EVEN close. Try and think of it as a new beginning...a whole new world with infinite possibilities. The longer you stay mired in the crap...the crappier you feel. Get out. And with YOU not filing and HIM NOT filing...it makes wonder what EACH of YOU truly want. How many MORE months are you prepared to live in limbo?
tami-chan Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 No it isn't. Filing for D is NOT death - not EVEN close. Try and think of it as a new beginning...a whole new world with infinite possibilities. The longer you stay mired in the crap...the crappier you feel. Get out. And with YOU not filing and HIM NOT filing...it makes wonder what EACH of YOU truly want. How many MORE months are you prepared to live in limbo? yes, it is...it is a death of a marriage. You can spin it however you want it....it is an end to something. But always, the cycle of life is about death and birth(life)...so out of this OP can start out afresh, anew and renewed.
jwi71 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 yes, it is...it is a death of a marriage. You can spin it however you want it....it is an end to something. Marriage? Please. He left her. Moved out. Signed lease. Continues with his OW. Makes NO effort to come home. This M has been dead for a while. Now its only a piece of paper - which didn't matter to him much anyway.
tami-chan Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Marriage? They weren't at one point in time married? This M has been dead for a while. Now its only a piece of paper - which didn't matter to him much anyway. So you agree, that at some point something died and it was the marriage:p
jwi71 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 So you agree, that at some point something died and it was the marriage:p Glad you agree that the death of the M happened BEFORE the D - meaning of course that divorce is the death of NOTHING. And I also notice that worly and her stbxh are still ALIVE, again...no death.
tami-chan Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Glad you agree that the death of the M happened BEFORE the D - meaning of course that divorce is the death of NOTHING. And I also notice that worly and her stbxh are still ALIVE, again...no death. Divorce is burying the marriage. It is part and parcel of the funeral ritual. Part of what to do when something or someone dies. In this case the marriage. Too silly.
Author worlybear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 :confused:Bit lost in the philosophical fog here.... Anyway we are meeting to discuss finances tomorrow. Taking steps that I can cope with , no clear way ahead as yet and I would like to know that the girls and I have a roof over our heads and that younger daughter can continue at new school. She is very unsettled at the moment and I want to make her life more secure.
Author worlybear Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Met with H yesterday. Pointed out that even if he gives me some of his settlement towards the house, girls' upkeep etc ,he will still need to contribute regularly as well. He said that he would pay whatever he could, when he could, depending upon his success at getting supply work/jobs. Kept quiet and am going to see Solicitor to see exactly where I stand financially regarding H. Younger daughter is very stressed.
RecordProducer Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 :confused:Bit lost in the philosophical fog here.... Anyway we are meeting to discuss finances tomorrow. Taking steps that I can cope with , no clear way ahead as yet and I would like to know that the girls and I have a roof over our heads and that younger daughter can continue at new school. She is very unsettled at the moment and I want to make her life more secure.Exactly! The philosophical stuff is for outsiders. When YOU are the one who's divorcing, you have to deal with worries about how you're going to survive, where you're going to live, where your kids will go to school, making the kids feel secure, etc. On top of everything, you're devastated, confused, stressed, angry, depressed, lonely... Divorces are terrible. But they're terrible for everyone. Your husband doesn't feel good right now. He also feels guilty. If you put all your anger and pain to the side, can you think of why he left? It doesn't sound like he fell in love with the OW and is leaving you for her - or perhaps he is pretending that she was not the reason for a divorce. Was he unhappy with your marriage? Did you two have a close connection? Was the sex frequent enough and good? Did you fight? Did you nag him, were you too demanding for his taste? What is it that made him leave you? It can't be the OW because many men cheat and never leave. I've read many posts in your thread, but I've forgotten some information. Did you try marriage counseling? Does he mention the divorce? I still think that after 28 years of marriage, one had to be unhappy in the marriage in order to leave. But "unhappy" is a relative term. Sometimes, people think that if the sparkle is gone, they don't love their spouses anymore. Some people want to pursue passionate romance and live life to the fullest. But they soon realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. If your husband still loves you, he'll be back. Give it a time. Don't be so certain that the marriage is over. This is the time when you want to be nice to your husband, because if you are angry, he'll see the worst side of you. It sounds like you're more than willing to reconcile so show him your most adorable side. Be cheerful around him, smile, laugh, be light and easy. Get in shape (if you're not), get new clothes, start dating men and going out. Soon, your husband will see that the separation was the best thing that ever happened to you. If he sees that you're moving on, he'll probably want you back. Twenty-eight years is not a joke.
Author worlybear Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Record Producer- Thankyou for your post. Yes I have been doing a lot of thinking about my marriage and a lot of what ifs.... I do know that H was extremely unhappy in his job for the last 2 years but couldn't see a way out as we have a large mortgage and dependents. He refused to take time off work as he is proud to the point of arrogance and I am sure that he burnt himself out at work. I made the mistake of putting myself between H and colleagues that he was (justifiably) angry with regarding teaching skills and competence. I did it because I thought it would help if I acted as a buffer between them, in fact all it did was signal to him (wrongly) that I was on their side ,not his. I treated him like glass at home and we all tip-toed around his mood swings, looking back to earlier years I would never have tolerated this at all and with hindsight all it did was make him more frustrated than ever. OW targeted him and I was so sure of him I didn't consider her a serious threat (huge mistake.) Our sex life was still very good ,which was why I found the betrayal so hurtful. I truly think that if he could have seen the massive fall-out from his actions culminating in his loss of job, he would have thought twice ,but unfortunately he wasn't thinking with his brain but other body parts. I don't know if he will ever come back as so much has happened that is life changing but in the meantime I am trying to get out and about, I've lost 2 stone(now size 8) and had my hair highlighted. Am making the effort to try and meet new people. Still hoping.
Athena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I do know that H was extremely unhappy in his job for the last 2 years but couldn't see a way out as we have a large mortgage and dependents. ************ I truly think that if he could have seen the massive fall-out from his actions culminating in his loss of job, Perhaps, subconsciously he knew he was risking his job by having an A with a teacher at school... and didn't care, since he hated his job anyway. Some men will take the passive-aggressive way out of a job or marriage, or in this case, both.
Author worlybear Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Well H has now finished at work- a sad end to his originally dynamic leadership as Headteacher. No further forward re everything else.
Athena Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Well H has now finished at work- a sad end to his originally dynamic leadership as Headteacher. No further forward re everything else. As I said before, I think he knew one way out of the stress of the job that he hated, was to sabotage his own professional success... think about the Timing of what he did....
Author worlybear Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Saw my solicitor yesterday about finances. She said that as H was not living in our home, he doesn't need to contribute towards the mortgage although we have a joint mortgage. This seems really weird- been looking onlline for british solicitors advice and they all seem to think that a joint mortgage is the financial responsibilty of BOTH parties. There is no way I can buy him out so my question is... If I walk away from the house and rent locally ,does that mean that, as neither of us can afford to live in our mortgaged home, the lender will pursue both of us for money or just me as I was in the house longer.Any ideas out there ?
anne1707 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Worly If you stop paying, then the bank or building society would chase both you and your H for payment. However it does not mean that you can pay half and say that the rest is to be paid by your H hence you are not behind in the mortgage. Your solicitor is right in what they have told you.
BUENG1 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Saw my solicitor yesterday about finances. She said that as H was not living in our home, he doesn't need to contribute towards the mortgage although we have a joint mortgage. This seems really weird- been looking onlline for british solicitors advice and they all seem to think that a joint mortgage is the financial responsibilty of BOTH parties. There is no way I can buy him out so my question is... If I walk away from the house and rent locally ,does that mean that, as neither of us can afford to live in our mortgaged home, the lender will pursue both of us for money or just me as I was in the house longer.Any ideas out there ? I think the lender can hold both of you responsible, but they don't have to go after you equally(ie they can go after the one who has the most ability to pay). And are you now the only one that is employed? Maybe that's what your lawyer means.
anne1707 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I think the lender can hold both of you responsible, but they don't have to go after you equally(ie they can go after the one who has the most ability to pay). And are you now the only one that is employed? Maybe that's what your lawyer means. Exactly. Their priority is being paid what is due. Which means they will go for the easiest person to trace and/or the one who is most able to pay.
jwi71 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 worly, The bank lent the BOTH of you money. As long as they get their money, they don't care if he lives in the house, you live in the house or mickey freakin' mouse lives in the house. I would approach your bank. Sit down with them and explain the situation and discuss possibilities. I would also approach a real estate and maybe bankruptcy lawyers as well... Then, I would sit down and have an informed dinner with your H...try and come to an amiable solution.
Athena Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Saw my solicitor yesterday about finances. She said that as H was not living in our home, he doesn't need to contribute towards the mortgage although we have a joint mortgage. This seems really weird- been looking onlline for british solicitors advice and they all seem to think that a joint mortgage is the financial responsibilty of BOTH parties. There is no way I can buy him out so my question is... If I walk away from the house and rent locally ,does that mean that, as neither of us can afford to live in our mortgaged home, the lender will pursue both of us for money or just me as I was in the house longer.Any ideas out there ? What does your H want to do? It doesn't really matter if the lawyer says H doesn't need to contribute financially -- ask your H to do so... I am sure he would if/when he gets another job... Does he get unemployment pay?
Author worlybear Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Went to bank today and opened new personal account. Also spoke to mortgage advisor who assured me that as the mortgage is in both our names ,H is also expected to pay. Tried to talk to H when I got back but he got very antsy. As well as mortgage we have personal joint loan to service. He has got some supply work but is paying it into his own account, When I asked about house payments, bills etc he said that as he was giving me half of his settlement(allegedly) there was enough to cover for next 6 months , there is not enough to pay for more than 4 months max. When I tried to point this out, he got really awkward and stomped off. He thinks he' s being very reasonable about giving me some money from his settlement and either can't or won't accept that the money he's offering is a drop in the ocean to offset the mortgage. Feeling pretty desperate tonight.Still maintains he'll pay what he can when he can. Favourite and only option I can see is to rent somewhere locally and allow house to be repossessed so that we are BOTH chased for the mortgage shortfall. Christ its such a mess.
tami-chan Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Feeling pretty desperate tonight.Still maintains he'll pay what he can when he can. What else can he really do? It's not like he is saying "he'll pay when he feels like it"....
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